Can triads really work

I lived in a triad for six years. Together as a triad for seven. And we were a V shaped relationship for two years before that.

While I'm seeing a people talking about "true triads" (I guess meaning everyone is romantic and sexually connected? and if you aren't then somehow its not a valid full triad?) my triad wasn't all sexually connected. We were romantically connected and planned our lives together. We shared resources and took care of each other... sorry that was my own rant... fuck right off with the idea of a "true full triad"...

Anyway, it was super complicated. It was a lot of work. And it eventually ended not because of being open or a triad but because of other deep long standing issues. Personally I find that I'm very attracted to that relationship shape. From before knowing poly was a thing I was in a couple of triad type relationships.

And even really liking the dynamic I would never seek out a triad because of bad experiences being a unicorn in my early poly days. It felt so bad to be in that dynamic when it isn't the right fit. I ended up pretending to like one partner more then I did so I wouldn't lose the other. I -hated- the way it made me feel. And I came out of that triad never ever wanting to make someone else feel like they needed to be with me in order to be with my partner. I think actively trying to form a triad often ends up with someone feeling that way. Because that kind of connection between three people is rare and often takes time to build... dating to try and become a triad? That is forcing that dynamic before people even figure out if the have an actual working connection in all the dyads.

It's a very tricky dynamic to pursue. It's a dynamic I love and one that I'm naturally drawn too AND it was still very complicated to be in. Galagirl is right. It's so many different relationships and if one of the dynamics is off it really causes a lot of strain.
 
Thank you for your opinion. I have friends, I have hobbies and a few things that are for myself, as does my partner. We are not involved in every aspect of each others lives. I really don't know where you are getting that anything would be imposed on anyone without their consent, but I do agree with it not being ok.

I'm entitled to want what I want, as is my partner. Of course neither of us are entitled to get it. From what I gather from this thread, a lot of people are opposed to it, which I completely understand, people want different things and the opinions here have given me a lot to think about. I have seen a few threads throughout this site that suggest triads and/or family style poly can work, so I thought I would ask for opinions on whether or not it could work and for experiences where it has/hasn't.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Can it work? Yes

I am in a triad that happened organically.

Is it easy. Oh no way. Its super hard. Rewarding, yes. Fun yes. Like other relationships its work.

But every crack that is in the triad will be right in front of you. So you have to do a lot of work on your self and the triad.

Would I ever suggest anyone going into a triad unless it happens organically. Nope.

A V kitchen style yes. That is a lot easier to happen and substain.
 
Like a few others here (MsEmotional and BreatheMusic, I think?) I am in a "V" that incorporates aspects of a triad type relationship, albeit we are currently long distance, though planning to all live together in the medium term future.

And, like most of the previous respondents, I stress that our situation evolved organically over time.

Firstly, we each became acquainted online; "meeting" through mutual friends. (I was friends with Jester, he was friends with Boho, I became friends with Boho, in that order.)

Unbeknownst to me, Jester and Boho met in person after a few months and started a FWB thing. There was no committed relationship between them, although Boho did develop strong feelings for Jester.

Then, shortly after Jester and I began a romantic relationship (it wasn't yet physical), he stopped seeing Boho and she and I fell out for a while. Those two remained platonic friends however.

Eventually, Boho and I reconciled and became very close friends, eventually beginning our own relationship with the full knowledge and consent of Jester. (She and he were no longer involved at this point.)

I spent some time travelling with both, separately and together, and the romantic/sexual elements of the relationships deepened. I am now the hinge in a V - with Jester and Boho as co-primary partners. As a group, we three are planning to live together, kitchen-table poly style... and although Jester and Boho are NOT in a romantic relationship with each other, there are times when we all "play" together online and have also done so in person. My partners are close friends and treat each other like family.

We are all happy with the current arrangement and envisage it working out long term. The point I make here is that this configuration WAS NOT planned, and it took TIME to get to this point (2-3 years).

It is really difficult, if not impossible, to pre-conceive a situation like ours and have it work out as planned. Even in our case, there were dramas, hurt feelings and disappointments to contend with on the romantic side. The saving grace was that we each/all "clicked" as FRIENDS first and foremost, even before there was thought of any romantic or sexual aspect.
 
I know people here aren't opposed to triads or family style poly.

I think most of us are skeptical that triads are sustainable as there aren't that many examples of it working.

I think most of us think family style poly is sustainable as there are many examples of it working.

I personally think either one has to come about organically over time rather than as a goal from the outset.

For ne it's not about triads or kitchen table. It's about limiting one's self by looking for something so specific and expecting it to fit perfectly into an existing couple's life. There can be a lot of frustration and disappointment in pursuing that. "Organically" seems to be the key word here.
 
For me it is demanding people to meet certain demands or boundries without their consent in the name of protecting the "original" relationship or "making me feel more secure".

People are not household appliances. The do not have to meet the needs or wants of all members of a household. Just their partner's.
 
I am not sure how long you and your fiance have been together. But you have 3 kids, one of whom is still in "nursery" (daycare) while the other 2 are school age, in different schools.

Are these 3 kids all biologically you and your fiance's, or from prior relationships?

I am just guessing here at the time you and fiance have been together. You're not married, just engaged. It seems marriage has been put off a long time (despite shared children) because of his cheating? Or other reasons?

Now is not the time to marry, or to begin an ethical polyamorous journey. You and he have only been Closed (if he really is not cheating right now), for 2 months. 2 months of therapy is nothing really. You've just scratched the surface.

What with 3 very young children, and both of you working outside the home, and barely seeing each other to date as it is, and needing alone time (me time), time to sleep, cook, shop for groceries and clothing and home goods, time to clean house and do home and yard maintenance, time for doctor and dental appointments, time to take kids to sports and other activities, time with platonic friends, and perhaps time with extended family, and time for vacations either as a couple or with the children, and hobbies... I just don't see how you could fit another partner into your lives at this time.

The only thing driving this idea of poly is your fiance's roving eye and inability to "keep it in his pants," and your apparent need for more friends.

You can find friends, I hope, between work and hobbies.

Can fiance keep it in his pants, seems to be the question. He was fine with cheating for a very long time, it seems. Sometimes you were in the dark, sometimes (from what I understand) he seemed to fling it right in your face. And your low self esteem allowed this to go on for many years!

Now after him behaving himself for 2 short months, you're seriously considering being ethically Open, even with all the responsibilities you already have?? It sounds great as a fantasy, I'm sure. You get a new friend, fiance gets to fuck another woman, this time with your consent. But FANTASIES ARE NOT REALITY.

Many many people here have tried to point this out. Up to you to take our words to heart, or enter into the search for your "unicorn," while your relationship with fiance is extremely fragile, and you have a million responsibilities, and hardly any free time as it is. What if he falls deeply into NRE and becomes super focused on New Women, neglecting you and his children and his work and the home?

But some people don't learn from other's experiences and must learn on their own. Some toddlers just need to touch the burning hot stove to learn what HOT is.
 
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Hi Magdlyn,
Thank you for the response. We have 4 kids together, biologically, we've been together 12 years this year. He cheated on me many years ago, we split for a while and got back together after that. It's hard to explain him, he's not a bad person, he's just made some spectacularly shit choices. I've got to say though, our boys have never suffered because of his choices, he's an amazing father. The physical cheating was a one off, the online stuff happened for a few years before I found out about it. After a time we talked about poly and I decided I could give it a go as I've never been one to think I can change someone else.

Side note on the kids - I'm not sure where abouts you are but nursery here isn't day care, it's preschool or kindergarten depending on where you are.

On the marriage front - we had everything planned then I was the one that put it on hold due to my mother passing away. I chose everything with her, including my dress, and I didn't feel I could go through with that day without her around for a long time. After that it was for financial reasons it kept being pushed back - I wanted to get my business of the ground, we had a mortgage deposit to save for as well as the four children to consider.

I'm not considering anything at all for the right now, we have a long way to go before that talk can even come up again and we both agree on that point, I just finally feel like we can get there. The therapy is for me alone right now, couples counseling in this area is thin on the ground and there's a waiting list.

As for the poly side, we openly practiced for a few years. When I asked him if we could close the relationship and he agreed, he hadn't had another partner for close to a year. They ended due to their own compatibilities and yeah, that fantasy does sound great which is why I'm here asking for opinions on if/how it can work, but I'm definitely not looking for it right now and not for the immediate future either, and I'm not a 'pft, they're all wrong' kind of person. I run through my thoughts at quite a quick pace and talking it out like this helps immensely, and I'm grateful for all the advice offered. I am taking it all on board.
 
I agree with everything GalaGirl said.

You say you're willing to settle for kitchen-table style poly where your guy's new partner is around and a friend to you. That's not so unusual or inherently unstable, and although it will exclude some potential partners for your guy, I think many people would be open to that. But his couple time with his new partner is certainly going to take away time from your existing relationship. Yes, kitchen table style means you can also spend some time as a group, but it's probably not going to fix your mono wiring or give you MORE time with him than you have now.

You said that this isn't just for him; it's also for you because you've enjoyed dating women. But as you realize, his partner also being your partner is an unlikely outcome. So it sounds like you're saying "I'm mostly doing this for him, but there's some small chance that there will turn out to be something in it for me." If that chance doesn't pan out, will you really be happy? Or will you feel resentful at missing out on time with him, jealous of his NRE, etc.?

I think there can be benefits of your partner having another partner while you don't -- someone else to support him when you can't so you don't feel torn or guilty; more alone/hobby/friend time for you; introducing new ideas into your household; potentially becoming a good friend to you, if not a lover. But are YOU excited about those kinds of possibilities? Or are you only excited about the unlikely outcome of him finding satisfaction with someone who also loves you?

It seems like the two best options are either stay closed (perhaps explore more limited monogamish type boundaries if you haven't tried that), or embrace poly with the expectation that each of you will date separately, but make clear to new partners that if the new relationships progress, you'll want to spend some time as a polycule and not be totally separate. Having that person turn into a partner for both of you should be viewed as an unlikely surprise outcome, not part of the equation of deciding whether opening up again is for you.
 
For me it is demanding people to meet certain demands or boundries without their consent in the name of protecting the "original" relationship or "making me feel more secure".

People are not household appliances. The do not have to meet the needs or wants of all members of a household. Just their partner's.

Seeing other sides of things is great for me, but I'm really curious as to why you think triad or the family style poly I've been talking about means someone would have to meet demands or boundaries they haven't consented to? I'm trying to understand your comment but I can't see the context.
 
Another thing to look at is what happens if you do find this person and everything goes good for a little bit but one person in the group decides they no longer want to be in one of the others lives. What if the girl falls in love with you but no longer wants a relationship with your guy? But the relationship between you two is already established. But he may have feeling for her. Can you transition to a V at this point?

Or what if the reverse happens? What if they fall in love with each other and you and her have a falling out?

These are things that can happen in a triad. Even organic ones.
 
I think there's a need for individuals to define more exactly what specific words mean for them. In this instance, I'm getting some slipperiness around family & its usage like family style.

To me, family doesn't have a huge overlap with "living together." My sprawling kin are mostly great people, but I don't think we'd live together on a large bet. ;)

I've had roommates who (to me) were much more "family" than my sexual partners (even those I felt I loved), because we not only shared so much day-to-day living but had LOTS of time to talk even if it was just moments scattered throughout the day. We shared more little stupid problems, worked through them together, & supported each other practically 24/7 in making our own decisions.

That's not a situation someone could EVER just step into & instantly be a great fit. There's going to be differences, even arguments, & it takes time & experience to develop the trust necessary to work together in achieving satisfactory solutions. Feelings WILL get bruised, but what's important is the capability to stick around long enough to get past the never-ending little owies, & create something larger & stronger than the individuals.
 
If that chance doesn't pan out, will you really be happy? Or will you feel resentful at missing out on time with him, jealous of his NRE, etc.?

If that chance doesn't pan out it's something I can accept it because whilst we found the possibility before, I do understand that it's unlikely to find someone that is into us both that both of us are also into. May be my side, may be hers, but I know the attraction 3 ways and separately X3 is at very best, a very small chance.
NRE has never bothered me exactly, I spent a long time looking at what did and it was partly based on my own insecurities (I've been up and down in weight, covered in stretch marks, feel like the boring frumpy 'housewife' and for a long time couldn't except that his wanting other women wasn't a reflection on me) and partly envy (why don't I get planned out date nights ect) the first I'm still working hard on with my own therapist and the second, it took him a long time to see it but has been putting a lot of effort into us as a couple more recently.

Time isn't something that's an issue either, but also is (I know, I make little sense) at the moment his night shifts are only 4 or so a week, but I'm used to it being 6, and I spend a lot of the day time either working, parenting, general chores or seeing friends. So time is limited, but I'm used to it being that way and I'm very good at occupying my time. It's definitely a want and not a need to have someone else close in my life. As is stands we have a night together a week, family time usually during the day with the occasional movie night and his Friday nights are permanently occupied with his and our older boys' karate class.

In a rambly (sorry, trying to make sense to myself too) way, I guess I feel like if the woman he falls for is a part of my life too, whether friendly or eventual partner, it means that sometimes we could share time together. I wouldn't have to choose between him and someone else, he wouldn't have to choose between me or someone else all of the time. We could be happy hanging out together as well as apart. Does that make sense or am I completely raving now? Feel free to tell me to get back in my box.
 
I think I understand this more now.

You have needs that you are looking at to be maybe met by someone else. Preferably a women. You have needs. You have wants.

So why not find a girlfriend?

Why are you thinking at this point and time about his needs outside of you?

What does he say on the subject?
 
I think I understand this more now.

You have needs that you are looking at to be maybe met by someone else. Preferably a women. You have needs. You have wants.

So why not find a girlfriend?

Why are you thinking at this point and time about his needs outside of you?

What does he say on the subject?

We've briefly discussed it and decided to come back to the subject at a later date. He does want a triad at some point, or close to. It's not a need for me, but a want and a vague possibility.

At this point I honestly don't know if I could have a girlfriend by myself. I don't separate romantic relationships easily, which is why I tend to identify with mono. It's difficult for me to separate my romantic intentions that way.

Edit - that didn't come out how I was thinking it - it's not the separating of romance as the separating of life. When I did have a girlfriend it was like having a second Life and while she was awesome and we really liked each other, I didn't like that part of it.
 
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Seeing other sides of things is great for me, but I'm really curious as to why you think triad or the family style poly I've been talking about means someone would have to meet demands or boundaries they haven't consented to? I'm trying to understand your comment but I can't see the context.

The context is deciding how everything is going to be before there is even another person involved.
 
The context is deciding how everything is going to be before there is even another person involved.

I can imagine that would be extremely frustrating for someone, but it's not something I'd ever attempt to do. If - big if after taking some advice on board from here - this was something we both decided to go ahead with later on, the only things set in stone for me would be my personal boundaries. No one gets a say in those aside from me. The wanting to be friends with her, it isn't just what I want, it's what he wants too. I would say it's the same as wanting your friends to get along with your partner so you can hang out at the same time ect. It's always been important to me for the people in my life to get along in every other context, I guess I don't see this as any different. I would love for something to develop beyond that but it's not a 'sex with him means sex with me' kinda deal, nor would I attempt to control feelings or lay down rules. He has his boundaries, I have mine, sometimes they overlap, sometimes they're completely different. I guess I'm thinking that it may at some point be possible to find someone that has boundaries similar enough that rather than forcing a square peg into a round hole, we're adjusting that hole to fit the square peg. Does that make sense?
 
The wanting to be friends with her, it isn't just what I want, it's what he wants too. I would say it's the same as wanting your friends to get along with your partner so you can hang out at the same time ect. It's always been important to me for the people in my life to get along in every other context, I guess I don't see this as any different.

So, if you become friends with someone, and they don’t particularly like hanging out with you and your fiancé, you end the friendship? And he does the same? And you’re putting that requirement on anyone he might date? And that’s just a personal boundary of yours?

If so (all of the above), and you are 100% explicit about this with anyone he starts dating (or either of you consider friendship with), and neither of you decides you like a friend or partner so much that this agreement needs re-negotiation? Then, sure. No harm, no foul, everything out in the open, and maybe someone would find that kind of pressure a fun challenge.

But if you do this with actual people without being 100% upfront about your (you must admit) unusual requirements for “sharing” friendship with your fiancé — then you would be treating people like things. As well as setting yourselves (and probably the others) up for terrible disappointment every time a friend is made and the warmth with the respective fiancé isn’t there.

I’m in a stable and very wide V, and I don’t have close friends in common with either of my partners.
 
Hello Bunny89,

I know I'm late posting here, but I just wanted to say, I think that triads really can work. You just need faith and patience, and, a willingness to work with the new person you start to date, and to arrive at compromises. Based on what you've posted in this thread, it seems to me that you have a sound mindset coming into this thing, you have a realistic view and it will serve you well.

Of course there are things that go wrong. And there are far too many unicorn hunters out there. But if you take things slowly, one step at a time, you can overcome those hurdles.

Anyway that's my opinion.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I think family style or kitchen table style poly is great! I know of other polys who insist upon it. The idea is, I'm busy, I have a family and a live-in partner/spouse. If you want to fit into my life, you will have to come over!

Of course, if there are kids involved, the new partner would be vetted thoroughly during dating outside the home to make sure they weren't a creep, and were worthy to be around the kids, not likely to bond with them and then bail, etc.

Sometimes you end up lovers with a long time platonic friend, who naturally is used to coming over and hanging out with all and sundry.

My nesting partner and I have been together 9 years. In that time, she's had 2 Dom/bfs. One was very outgoing and, while he didn't come to our place, we were both welcome at his, or we'd meet for group dates with his nesting partner and/or other friends in a group.

Her current long term Dom/bf is much more introverted and shy. He has never been to our house. He did attend a party of one of our friends' recently. That was the first time I'd met him in 5 years!

On the other hand, my 4 longest term bfs (and many of my shorter term ones) have often or always come to my place for dates. Pixi and I both enjoy hosting, and Pixi is sex positive, she doesn't mind at all being in the house when my bf and I go off for sex. She's also fine if someone wants to spend the night. So, she's been quite friendly with all these guys, and we have some great conversations as a threesome, listen to music, cook, eat, do home projects, watch TV. Sometimes we've gone out on dates with this or that bf as a group. On a rare occasion there has been threeway sex, but we don't make a habit of it. It complicates things too much.

I've only really had one long term bf other than these guys, who always wanted to host me. It felt kinda weird. lol
 
Hi slowpoly. No, that is not what I meant by boundaries and not a requirement I've placed on friends
It's always worked out that way, my partner and I have similar taste in people. There's only ever been one acquaintance of his I actually didn't like and couldn't hang out with, but that was someone he only tolerated due to being the person being friends with his friends. I suppose it comes from meeting him at college where we had the same circle of friends, we all bonded together because of our similarities. He gets on well with all of my friends, and while we do hang out together, I also go hang out with my friends without him, and him with his friends.

When I say my boundaries are mine, I mean things that purely apply to me. I've seen a lot of posts on here and other places in the past 6 years I've been reading into poly regarding boundaries. Things such as 'cant have sex without me' and 'can only go on a date if I have a date' When I talk about *my* boundaries I specifically mean things like 'I will not have another child' and 'i will not only participate in threesomes if a triad were to ever happen' I personally don't think those should be up to anyone else. His include no more children, but that's because he feels he cannot provide for any more children as it stands. If he changed his mind later on, I would support him in that but I would not be the one having that child. My body is done reproducing.

It may seem codependent but both of us like sharing our lives with each other. I like having a few hobbies and places I can go without him, and him without me, but the majority of our lives is based within our not so little family. I won't however assume it will always be that way, as our children grow up and develop their own lives away from the home, it may well change.
 
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