Mostly a rant

serenityruler

New member
God, I don't even know where to start.

Basic layout I guess. I'm female (bi) and I have a boyfriend (also bi) and he has a wife. The two of them have been together for 5-6 years, he and I have been together a year now. Until recently, his wife also had a boyfriend for roughly a year and a half? I don't know when it started.

Anyway, this is mostly about my boyfriend's wife and her now-ex-boyfriend. Their relationship started roughly around the time that she and my bf were hurriedly planning their wedding so that they could have it while his dad was still live, which they did. But! I think all the NRE with her boyfriend combined with the stress of planning the wedding kinda pushed her and her husband (my bf) apart. I got most of the details after the wedding that they had called it off a couple times and he had said he's monogamous and wants to get married and have kids some day. When I joined in, they were more established as an actual couple.

But even so, there always seemed to be some drama, and there was the drama that she kept pulling further away her husband. She would stay the night at the boyfriend's place all the time and there was less and less intimacy between her and her husband. That's partly why I came into the picture. I was supposed to just be fun, but those feelings things got in the way. Regardless, she always seemed to have more feelings for her bf than her bf had for her. She mentioned more than once that they were trying to spend less time together, and my boyfriend intimated that meant that her bf needed space and felt smothered.

This would be so much easier with names. Should I just make names? Rawr. We'll come my bf John, his wife Lacey, and her boyfriend Mark. Moving on, Mark broke things off with Lacey the day after Valentine's day. We'd spent Vday together the four of us for a fabulous meal cooked by John. 4 course, gorgeous. Since they broke up though, Lacey kept finding time to be around Mark. They always had some excuse, like oh other friend's were coming over, including Mark's cousin, so yeah he came. Oh they had signed up for this gun safety course together before they broke up so they were still going to go... Note: I'm antiguns and don't like that to start with.

Coincidentally, the gun class was the weekend I complained of in my introduction post, when my bf John didn't have any time for me in part because he wanted to spend Saturday night "doing Philly" with Lacey, some sort of thing I guess they always used to do, just bar hopping. John mentioned earlier in the week that Mark might come along after the class, hoping he wouldn't but ultimately not caring so long as he got to "do Philly" with Lacey. I pointed out there's no reason Mark should come. They're BROKEN UP. But also, if Mark was going to come, why couldn't I come? It's not just the two of them, so what harm is it for me to come?

What happens? Mark gets to come and I don't find out until after. Apparently on the train ride home, John and Mark had a serious chat and John felt like Mark was sincere in not wanting to go on with Lacey anymore. They just have different life goals and he can't keep dragging her around like a dead weight so to speak (I might be embellishing). The next weekend, Mark comes over again with his cousin and John is working all night. Mark gets hammered and can't drive home, so Lacey lets him stay the night. John objects on his break when Lacey tells him. He's not okay with Mark staying the night, but Lacey sees no other option and that's that.

NOW somehow they spent St. Patrick's together, one or both were drunk (maybe? John isn't even sure) and they had sex. John's not upset. I think he's defeated. I'm upset on his behalf. Lacey is hurting John with all this bullshit. Her ex boyfriend is now getting laid more than her husband. It's fucked up. He can't go to work without worrying that she's going to sleep with her ex and then be emotionally disturbed about it. She gets anxious and depressed, crying, and John is always there to comfort her. He's so fucking supportive. He's a saint, to me at least. And what does he get for it? She doesn't even really want to kiss him anymore. I understand relationships can be platonic, but that's not what he wants. It's not what he signed up for.

I'm tired of Lacey hurting John for Mark, who doesn't even want Lacey. Mark isn't honorable. He's hurting Lacey and thus hurting John... and along the way I'm feeling some pain, too. I'm worried about John. I know we're supposed to be poly and one big happy family, but I think their marriage is failing and I don't know what the right thing to do is. Sometimes I want to shake Lacey. Some of their friends have intimated that it's already over, it's just a matter of time. Another friend said Lacey will never leave John because John lets her live in his house for free and lets her throw huge drunken parties there. Lacey wants to move into the other bedroom (currently occupied by a friend who may move out soon), and I think it would be a terrible sign for their relationship, but then I could stay over whenever I wanted, and I'd like that.

I don't know. I'm tired of Lacey's bullshit at this very moment and I just needed to vent about it some. If you have advice, I'd love to hear it. I know we want poly relationships to work, but sometimes they don't and maybe I need advice on how to handle that? Thanks for reading this at least.
 
I hope you feel better for the vent.

I mean this kindly, ok? It may not be what you want to hear. :eek:

If all these people are stressing you out this much? You are not getting what you want out of the relationship with John? A lot of your time with John is spent processing
  • what Lacey is doing
  • what Mark is doing
  • what John is doing about whatever Lacey/Mark are doing?

rather than having your own (John and serenityruler) things?

Then I think you could take a step back, tell John to stop talking you about all these people, and leave them to sort themselves.

If Mark is not honorable? Lacey is the one picking dishonorable him out for herself. You cannot control her choices. She picks him out.

If Lacey's using John because John lets her live in his house for free and lets her throw huge drunken parties there, and he's there to bail her out/support her any time she makes a mess? John's the one signing up for that job. You cannot control his choices. At the end of the day? For all that he says he does not want this? He still keeps on picking this out for himself and signing up again.

Who is the one picking John out? That is you. That is something you CAN control. You can stop picking him out to date at this time.

I suggest you tell John this is getting to be too much for you. You step back. Ask him to sort out his stuff first, and to look you up again in future when he has his life better sorted out. Doing that would make it so you don't have to see/listen/deal with Lacey's stuff or Mark's stuff any more. And you don't have to hurt watching John get dinged over and over because he keeps himself in the line of fire.

I know we want poly relationships to work, but sometimes they don't and maybe I need advice on how to handle that?

If this poly grouping is a mess? You can bow out. Your consent to participate in things belongs to you. You don't have to keep going in it if it has become intolerable.

You can let go of the rope. You can expect John to take responsibility for sorting out his mess of a marriage/life and not be dragging you down with it.

If he does that work, and you and John get together later on and want to do poly then with a different network? Or want to try monogamy together? You could deal with those choices at THAT point in time. Leave future to future.

At THIS point in time? You don't like being in THIS network like this. To fix that? You can remove yourself.

Perhaps that gives John the wake up call to bow out as well. Maybe yes, maybe no.

But either way it stops stinking for YOU at least so you can be free from the BS.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
"Anyway, this is mostly about my boyfriend's wife and her now-ex-boyfriend."

Rule of thumb: if you have to start by saying this, it is usually you who has to adjust your thinking.

"I got most of the details after the wedding that they had called it off a couple times and he had said he's monogamous and wants to get married and have kids some day. When I joined in, they were more established as an actual couple."

This is unclear. Do you mean Lacey and John were more established? Or Lacey and Mark? Who wanted monogamy?

"That's partly why I came into the picture. I was supposed to just be fun, but those feelings things got in the way."

It is usually unwise to step into a relationship to make up for shortcomings of other partners.

"Regardless, she always seemed to have more feelings for her bf than her bf had for her. She mentioned more than once that they were trying to spend less time together, and my boyfriend intimated that meant that her bf needed space and felt smothered."

It is confusing how you jump from your relationship with John to Lacey's relationship with Mark. It is like you cannot see where one relationship ends and the other has a presence of its own. It seems you and John spend a lot of time processing Lacey and Mark's relationship.

"Since they broke up though, Lacey kept finding time to be around Mark. They always had some excuse, like oh other friend's were coming over, including Mark's cousin, so yeah he came."

Just out of interest, is this Lacey and Mark or Lacey, John and Mark? I don't think it is actually anything to do with you. Lacey and John (especially Lacey) can spend time with the people they choose to. Why do you think this is unacceptable?

"Oh they had signed up for this gun safety course together before they broke up so they were still going to go... Note: I'm antiguns and don't like that to start with."

Is they John, Mark and Lacey? Or just Lacey and Mark? If you are vehemently anti-guns, you could opt not to date someone who shoots them for fun instead of trying to restrict the activities your partner enjoys. That will likely lead to resentment. Find someone who is already compatible rather than trying to shape someone who is not.

"when my bf John didn't have any time for me in part because he wanted to spend Saturday night "doing Philly" with Lacey, some sort of thing I guess they always used to do, just bar hopping."

My "seasoned" guess is that this is the real issue you have.

"I pointed out there's no reason Mark should come. They're BROKEN UP."

Why do you get to decide who can and cannot spend time together? One is allowed to spend time with an ex. Even a very recent one.

"But also, if Mark was going to come, why couldn't I come? It's not just the two of them, so what harm is it for me to come?"

My guess? Sorry but my guess is that John and Lacey have more fun when they are out with Mark. That might be all on Lacey whereas John would prefer that you come too and they have as good a time. But as it stands, Mark coming is a more desirable option than just you, or both of you, for group activities such as that.

"What happens? Mark gets to come and I don't find out until after."

Probably because it is awkward to speak about and John feels to pressured to be transparent.

"Apparently on the train ride home, John and Mark had a serious chat and John felt like Mark was sincere in not wanting to go on with Lacey anymore. They just have different life goals and he can't keep dragging her around like a dead weight so to speak (I might be embellishing). The next weekend, Mark comes over again with his cousin and John is working all night. Mark gets hammered and can't drive home, so Lacey lets him stay the night. John objects on his break when Lacey tells him. He's not okay with Mark staying the night, but Lacey sees no other option and that's that."

This is quite frankly none of your business.

"John's not upset. I think he's defeated."

My guess is that you think he should be upset and the fact he isn't is interpreted as "defeated" rather than "tired of the drama but ultimately knows he cannot control their relationship and wouldn't want it done to him".

"I'm upset on his behalf."

Usually a red flag if you are upset on the behalf of someone who isn't.

"Lacey is hurting John with all this bullshit."

But he isn't upset.

"Her ex boyfriend is now getting laid more than her husband. It's fucked up."

Might be but isn't your concern. Let them deal with their own marriage.

"He can't go to work without worrying that she's going to sleep with her ex and then be emotionally disturbed about it."

You said he wasn't upset.

"She gets anxious and depressed, crying, and John is always there to comfort her. He's so fucking supportive. He's a saint, to me at least. And what does he get for it? She doesn't even really want to kiss him anymore. I understand relationships can be platonic, but that's not what he wants. It's not what he signed up for."

He needs to address his marriage issues himself. My guess is that some of these feelings are projection on your behalf.


Overall, I think you need to accept that John is married to Lacey and their relationship is theirs. My feeling is that you feel John is not rewarding your loyalty with commitment and time and instead prioritizing someone who you feel is less loyal than you are which does not make sense to you. I think John needs to stop telling you his wife's really quite personal business and be honest with you about what he can offer you over the long term to really assess your compatibility as partners.
 
I could have this wrong, but it sounds to me like:

- John and Lacey got married for the wrong reasons (to please his dying father), even though at the time their relationship was complicated/compromised by Lacey's super-strong NRE feelings for her boyfriend Mark.

- John loves Lacey more than she loves him, at this current moment.

- Lacey is using John for financial and emotional support. She has little interest in him as a lover/romantic partner at this time. This hurts John, but he is willing to put up with it because he still loves Lacey.

- Lacey has strong romantic feelings for her (now ex) boyfriend Mark. Her feelings for Mark have always been stronger than her feelings for John, even at the time they were planning their wedding.

- It sounds like Lacey has a volatile, somewhat emotionally erratic personality and has deep "limerent" feelings for Mark which she finds hard to control, even now that they've officially broken up. i.e. She's addicted to/obsessed by Mark and breaking up hasn't changed this. She will find any excuse to be with or near him.

- Mark is aware of the imbalance in feelings between himself and Lacey and often feels/felt smothered by her, hence the break-up. Still, when it's convenient for him or he's drunk, he still enjoys hanging with Lacey and having "no strings attached" sex with her.

- Lacey and Mark's supposedly "random" encounters hurt John, who doesn't seem to know how to put his foot down about it.

- You, Serenity, see your boyfriend John being hurt over and over, and see his and Lacey's relationship collapsing, and this hurts YOU. Yet you are powerless to do anything about it, as these are THEIR (John's, Lacey's and Mark's) choices and aren't really anything you have control over.

- You are being hurt in turn, because you feel powerless and almost an afterthought in the messy fallout of the ongoing John/Lacey/Mark fiasco. You feel your choices are limited by what others decide to do. (Lacey's choice of bedroom... John not allowing you to "tag along" when those three went bar-hopping).

- This is, or WAS, supposed to be a polyamorous quad (for all intents and purposes) but even post- Mark/Lacey break-up, it almost seems like it's a three person "V" + you, Serenity.

**************

Is this assessment about accurate? :( ^

How strongly do YOU advocate for yourself, Serenity? You said you approached John and suggested that they include you on the Philly outing, if it wasn't going to just be the John/Lacey twosome. Yet your boyfriend essentially ignored your suggestion/request... meanwhile, he capitulated to his wife's wishes and allowed Mark to tag along... with you only discovering the truth later.

Would you say there is a pattern in which Lacey and/or Mark calls the shots (either premediating their plans or spontaneously deciding to do what feels good to THEM in any particular moment), and both John and yourself just "go along" with whatever they decide to do, making as little waves as possible so as not to rock an already sinking ship?

How is this good for John and Lacey's marriage? What do you think John actually derives from this imbalanced situation with his wife?

How is this good for yours and John's relationship, and your own self respect, if your wishes and desires are always put on the backburner?

Taking wife and ex-boyfriend OUT of the picture for a minute...

- How would you rate the CURRENT state of your relationship with your bf John? When issues with the other couple are not present - or without factoring those into the equation for now - do you believe you and John have a fulfilling, respectful, enjoyable, loving relationship... just the two of you?

- Do you feel truly LOVED by John? If so, why? How does he demonstrate this TO you in more than words. What does he do to make you feel like a vital ingredient in his life? Is what HE provides YOU (emotionally, physically, logistically and in any other way) enough to sustain this relationship? On its own? Even given the presence of Lacey/Mark?

***************

I realise I've asked you a LOT of (rhetorical) questions, above, and of course I do not expect you to actually answer them here in this thread. I ask them to provide you with food for thought... and to hopefully enable you to gain clarity regarding the overall picture of what this four-way relationship actually looks like from the outside, in order for you to ascertain if it's working for YOU, overall, or if it's merely becoming a drain on your emotional resources.

Sometimes "love" just isn't enough. Sometimes we have to recognise that we are in a situation where - even if love exists on some level - our own wants and needs are not being respected or prioritised, and to have enough self esteem and internal fortitude to say, "this does not feel good to me. I've tried to be supportive of others and advocate for myself, but I don't see the necessary changes eventuating, so I'm choosing to cut my losses and bow out."

I'm not sure if you've reached that stage (yet), Serenity, or if indeed you've pulled out all the stops when it comes to open communication and advocating for your own needs... if you've tried individual or couples counselling/therapy... or suggested to John that he and his wife may need outside help. But at some point you have to concede that you cannot do much about OTHER people's issues, if they're intent on stuffing up their own lives, and make decisions that will improve YOUR OWN life, even if it means removing yourself from such a toxic environment.
 
Last edited:
I am going to be short and to the point.

Not your circus not your monkeys.

John is a sloppy hinge. He needs to stop bleeding his relationship issues with Lacey into your relationship.

Remember there are at least 4 sides in this situation. John's, Lacey's, Mark's and the truth.
 
Hope you feel lighter about having got that rant off your chest.

It is what it is. If the relationship is stressing you out, bow out. If not, get some popcorn and enjoy the free drama.

Don't even bother to try and change anyone other than yourself. Everyone sounds besotted with their fixations (and freedom, in the case of Mark). Yourself included. This will go on for a while. Make yourself comfortable if you're in for the ride, or find a sane partner and move on.
 
I am going to be short and to the point.

Not your circus not your monkeys.

John is a sloppy hinge. He needs to stop bleeding his relationship issues with Lacey into your relationship.

Remember there are at least 4 sides in this situation. John's, Lacey's, Mark's and the truth.

As I read through some of these long answers this was my thought as well. It's best to take a step back and not get embroiled in matters that don't concern you.
 
Hi serenityruler,

It sounds to me like Lacey is a poor match for John. The solution, then, is for John to divorce Lacey. But how do you convince John to do so? I'm sorry to say I don't know the answer. You can, of course, advise him to divorce if he asks for your counsel. You can even beg him to do it. But in the end, he has the power to say, "No I will not divorce her." And she probably won't divorce him because he gives her free room and board, free drunken parties, and lots of emotional support whenever she needs it. It's a sweet deal for her. She doesn't have to give him anything, not even conjugal sex or affection. And he seems to have resigned himself to that kind of life. No wonder you're upset for him.

Right now the most you can do is be there for John. You can express concern. Maybe he won't listen right now, but maybe he'll think about it later.

I hope things work out for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you, everyone, for your input. On the bright side for me, you're not all in complete agreement, because then I'd feel that I really am in the wrong.

I'm a little confused about those saying that John shouldn't be telling me all this stuff. Yes, he wasn't upset this particular time, but he has been upset before. I thought poly was all about open communication and I want him to feel he can talk to me about things upsetting him and I can help him process his emotions. Do poly groupings usually not talk about their other relationships with each other? I know some people don't want the graphic details of intimacy, but aside from that I thought we were pretty normal in this regard.

As I said, this was rather a rant that I needed to get off my chest. I'm not still upset about it myself. I had an initial emotional reaction. I feel like Lunabunny understood it best, or at least from my perspective (ie what I was trying to convey).

I suppose I don't advocate for myself as well as I could. I definitely have self esteem issues and baggage from past relationships where I'm afraid of being too clingy and driving someone away. And in some ways, we're not the most obvious compatible pairings.

(Note: It was just Mark and Lacey at the shooting range. Lacey doesn't include John in things with her and Mark. She includes Mark in things with her and John. Someone asked if John has much a choice and I think he always assents because he's trying to win Lacey's affection back.)

Even though I'm the youngest, I act the oldest as far as partying vs going to bed early and making sure to get enough sleep. I drink the least and I have the furthest drive, so I can't stay as late. They probably wouldn't have wanted me around for bar hopping in Philly. I would have struggled to keep up or been a downer not drinking, and John would have felt bad and probably cut the evening short on my behalf, or worse, the two of use would have left and Mark and Lacey would have stayed out. John has certainly experienced jealousy towards Mark. It was better when John and Lacey were intimate, but since that stopped, he struggles more knowing that Lacey and Mark are intimate.

When Mark and Lacey aren't around and aren't the topic of conversation, things between John and me are really tight. He does his best to make time for me with his wacky work schedule. He cooks things especially for me (he tried to make this dessert from my favorite restaurant). I'm mostly vegetarian and I always tell him he doesn't need to be vegetarian for me, but he often makes vegetarian meals when I'm over for dinner. I was depressed for almost all of January and February and I was sure this would drive him away. It's driven away past partners and my libido goes down when I'm depressed. He was super supportive of me, too, even with having to be supportive of Lacey at the same time. He held me when I cried and was okay staying in when I wasn't up to going out. He came to my place more. He could actually make me smile and giggle when nothing else could. He trusts me. He's opened up to me with things he never talks about and we've cried together about things when he's felt he's let me down. He doesn't hide anything from me. He might not tell me until after the fact, but even that is rare.

As far as couples counseling or counseling in general, I convinced him to see someone after his dad died. He went for 3 visits and I think he liked it, but his copay was really high. Lacey said she would go with him after the therapist suggested it, but that idea just kinda died. It was a matter of oh we'll have to find a time when we can both go, but I don't know that they actually ever sat down and tried to find a time. I go to therapy and certainly discuss all this stuff there and my therapist is pretty pro-John for the record, but it can be hard finding a time when it's just my schedule and hers, let alone a third person's schedule, so I know it's hard, but I don't think they honestly tried. But as some of you pointed out, I can't control them, so on that at least, I've tried to let it go.

So I don't know. John and I talk a lot and we're planning to spend Sunday together. He's brought up more than once that he's looking forward to it. I'll update you guys as the saga continues. For those who think I should "bow out" I'm just not there yet. John is one of the best things about life right now and he helped me survive this last bout of depression, which was the worst I've had in 4 years. He's like family, and my family wasn't really around this time when I was in need. Maybe at some point the drama will outweigh the love, but I hope not and it's not there yet.
 
I am glad you feel better for the vent.

If you don't want to leave the poly grouping at this time? And this kind of stress is becoming chronic?

You might still consider separating yourself from it to some degree. If talking so much about those other people is overshadowing your own relationship with John? You might have to tell John things like ...

"I know you hurting. But I am too close to this situation. I want our time together to be about just us, not about all these other people. If you need to air out about all those things, someone else has to be the listening person for that. It cannot be me."

OR

"I need our time together to not always be processing stuff from your other relationship. We can talk about it on Fridays, but on other days? Let's give it a rest." Then you get breaks from it, and he still gets to talk to you.

You may have to create and enforce stronger personal boundaries and not let this suck you under.

I'm a little confused about those saying that John shouldn't be telling me all this stuff. Yes, he wasn't upset this particular time, but he has been upset before. I thought poly was all about open communication and I want him to feel he can talk to me about things upsetting him and I can help him process his emotions. Do poly groupings usually not talk about their other relationships with each other? I know some people don't want the graphic details of intimacy, but aside from that I thought we were pretty normal in this regard.

There must be a balance and a two way street. It is one thing to provide emotional support for a partner and help them through a rough patch. It's another for them to be asking you for that emotional support at a poor time in your own life -- like your mom just died, and NOW is when they want to process their stuff with you? You are supposed to ignore your own self care in favor of attending to theirs? WHEN they ask for help matters.

HOW they do it matters too. Support once in a while in two-way street will feel fair. Sometimes he supports you, sometimes you support him.

It is another thing where they unload on you like a HUGE dump and you are the emotional dumpster. Which you might be ok with doing, if it led to behavior changes and the thing STOPS or ENDS. Like one time. Extenuating circumstances or an emergency or something. You could overlook them overloading you that one time and forgive it.

But if it is more like unloading HUGE on you over and over a lot of the time? So they can go back to pick up another load? And it becomes never ending ugh they bring you? You are being used like a crutch so they can keep staying in a bad situation rather than address is appropriately? That has to stop. You cannot be their free therapist. You cannot be their emotional dumpster and stay healthy yourself. Allowing them to use you as emotional dumpster enables them to endure a poor situation. It is not helping them get out of it. It is helping them keep on going with the wonky. At the cost of damaging you.

Being a supportive partner does not mean putting up with everything and anything or having to be listening to anything and everything. Part of open communication is being able to openly communicate "Hon, I'm full right now. I cannot do any more stuff/processing with you on this. At least not til _____." You have to balance their stuff against your stuff -- and be supportive of what YOU need to be healthy and ok too.

You have to be able to say "I love you. But not even for you will I overextend myself or hurt myself. This is getting to be too much for me. I cannot be the whole support team. You need to spread the load around other people, not just me."

If you are stressed out and need stronger personal boundaries? Create them and enforce them while still sticking with this polyship.

If you are stressed out and need a break from all this? Take the break or vacation away from the polyship and then come back.

If you are stressed out and need to quit all this? Quit.

Only you know the degree of your stress and your personal limit of tolerance.

When Mark and Lacey aren't around and aren't the topic of conversation, things between John and me are really tight.

Could focus on that rather than all the Mark and Lacey drama. Hopefully Sunday can be a welcome break where it is just you and John, and not all these other people and those problems.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
"I'm a little confused about those saying that John shouldn't be telling me all this stuff. Yes, he wasn't upset this particular time, but he has been upset before. I thought poly was all about open communication and I want him to feel he can talk to me about things upsetting him and I can help him process his emotions."

Sometimes, in polyamorous relationships, a partner is not the best or most ethical person to process emotions with when it comes to other relationships. Especially if said partner will use those issues to make judgements about those other relationships and/or become too involved in affairs that are not their concern. There is a big difference between mentioning that you are giving a partner support as their other relationship is having problems and divulging the intimate interactions between your partner and metamour.

On a side note, be careful about making value judgements such as these: "Even though I'm the youngest, I act the oldest as far as partying vs going to bed early and making sure to get enough sleep." It could be construed as you saying John, Lacey and Mark are immature. They could do the same thing by saying you are "boring" rather than "older" as you put it. It is better to make a neutral statement like "the ways we like to socialize is quite different" or even "they like to stay out later than I do". I find making these small adjustments in communication helps to make a more peaceful group.
 
I'm a little confused about those saying that John shouldn't be telling me all this stuff. I thought poly was all about open communication and I want him to feel he can talk to me about things upsetting him and I can help him process his emotions. Do poly groupings usually not talk about their other relationships with each other? I know some people don't want the graphic details of intimacy, but aside from that I thought we were pretty normal in this regard.

re: Whether or not people talk about the other relationships that may exist within the larger "polycule" they're involved with...

Some do, some don't; it depends on the personalities of the people concerned and the nature of the agreements they've made regarding level of disclosure.

I think the confusion here stems from the fact that we're talking about TWO distinct issues of communication inherent within polyamorous life:

1.) Open and honest communication between active sexual/romantic partners.

2.) Open and honest communication within one's polycule (or wider "circle" or poly grouping, including metamours and their sometimes meta's other partners, if it affects them.)

**********

1.) It goes without saying that there ought to be honest, open, supportive communication between those in loving sexual partnerships[/B] i.e. primary or secondary partners, members of a triad or quad (if all are involved romantically and sexually).

Top of the agenda here is discussion about safe sex practices and sexual boundaries and limits, PRIOR to clothes coming off. This is in the interests of everyone's health and safety, physically. Though as you mentioned, often people may wish to limit the amount of detail they choose to share when it comes to the nature of sexual intimacy with other partners, out of respect for another's privacy and/or not wanting to TMI the listener.

Emotionally speaking, total transparency should definitely prevail when it comes to talking about status of any romantic/sexual relationship. The individuals concerned should be upfront about what level of commitment they're each up for (emotionally, time wise, financially, if they're looking to have children, etc.) and whether they view the relationship as primary, co-primary, secondary, RA, FWB etc.

Over time, these things may be subject to change, hence the need for ON-GOING, forthright communication and timely disclosures in the event of changing emotional or sexual needs, the addition of new partners, health or employment issues and so much more.

************

2.) Naturally, romantic partners should, and are going to want to support each other in whatever way they can, and often this involves displaying interest in the other's life/work/hobbies/family and showing concern for any problems they might be dealing with.

Sometimes these issues may involve a third party or parties, in the form of metamours and/or their partners and children, and that's where it gets tricky...

Sure, (excluding pre-existing mutual DADT agreements) EVERYBODY involved in any kind of wider, polyamorous network - whether they personally identify as poly or mono - also has an obligation to make their particular romantic/sexual affiliations known to the others within the group, and to communicate the status of their relationship/s, their sexual health status, any major changes (or potential changes) to agreements/limits/veto arrangements etc., as soon and as honestly as possible.

This does NOT mean that any particular individual or partnership needs to devote endless amounts of time and energy to rehashing the details of their metamour's personal issues... or trying to solve any on-going irksome behaviours or issues that exist between their partner+meta, or meta+ another person within the network.

Offering emotional support is fine... acting as a sounding board (on occasion) is fine if a partner really needs to debrief - even necessary from time to time, in order to maintain optimal mental health, equilibrium and shore up the bonds of intimacy between partners.

But insofar as practicable, relationship issues should remain a private matter and, as such, anyone NOT DIRECTLY involved should have limited knowledge of the "gory details" or influence over the outcome.
 
Back
Top