Breaking into Polyamory: A Bunnie Story

Hi there from Bunnie.

Just in the short time I have been on here, I would like to say that I have felt very welcome. It's hard to find a community of poly supporters and this forum seems to be full of nothing but major support for alternative lifestyles such as this.

As stated in my introductory thread, my husband and I came to polyamory after quite a long term and progressive relationship. We've known each other for nearly a decade, been together 4 years and married for one. He is truly my best friend and I can go to him about pretty much anything.


However, while weve experienced some drama, I've found its done nothing but make us closer and stronger as a couple.
At the same time, there have been some insecurities that have come up which has taken some work and a great deal of communication to get through.

We've had a few prospective relationships come along, each of which have come with their own package of blockades and eventual deterioration of trust in some cases. This has caused some emotional distress to both of us because of previous trauma. But we've gotten through it. And we're stronger for it.

My husband's recent distress is over feelings of rejection. He fears not finding the connection he so desperately yearns for in order to fulfill the needs he has. He fears not being able to connect the way he's wanted to with the past 3 women he has had an interest in may reflect his overall ability to find his next mate.

While I've tried my best to make him feel loved and desired for all the right reasons, I know I can only do so much. His distress just really makes me want to love him more. He feels he may end up just "being a bystander" while I carry out relationships. And I truly don't believe that will happen. He's a pretty f***ing fantastic human being.

Meanwhile, over the past month or so I have been trying to come to terms with my own desires. One large one being coping with my bisexuality.
It's never been something I've allowed myself to come to terms with for various reasons, one of which being my one and only female love.
I fell in love with my best friend several years ago, and she died in a car accident two years ago last month. I was never able to fully disclose to her how I felt and our relationship ended on bad terms. This is a pain that has haunted me to the point of having trouble disclosing it to my husband.

I've learned not to beat myself up over our fight, she wouldn't want me to do that, but it's only because of my husband that I've even been able to admit my own sexuality: my lack of closure made me feel as though I could never find that again. I was also married and felt I had no reason to admit it to myself. It was after a bad mushroom trip and a breakdown just a few months ago (the only one my husband actually saw) that my husband sat me down and made me admit all that I was feeling. It's a major factor in why we decided to become poly. He knew us then. He saw the way she supported me and helped me become who I am. And he wants me to be able to move on from that.

Right now I've just been trying to enjoy my own solitude. Focus on bettering myself, reading, writing, learning, working, expressing. It's the only thing that can take my mind off of the pangs of loneliness some of this has given me. It's not like I really am alone. My husband is wonderful and highly supportive of each relationship that I have encountered, friendship or romantic. It's when he gets distressed that it causes those pangs. And I'm not sure what else I can really do about that.

(Been reading More Than Two; it's a great help)

Again, thank you all for your time, openness, and input. It is greatly appreciated.
 
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Spring has always been my favorite time of year. I get incredibly creative and actively inspired when I feel it coming. The beauty of being and expressing rushes like a fire and leads me to interesting creative places.

Especially after Zed and I decided to make these changes to our marriage. We've both discussed the general feeling of change among our general relationships with people. It has opened our communication and general social capability. For me, it has always been very difficult to open up to new people. I would quickly become guarded and critical. Looking for any excuse to shut people out before they shut me out. Being married gave me every excuse to do that.

But in the beginning, the connotation of being married also added to it. The fact that, I am owned and these people shouldn't WANT to get that close to me. It created a stronger wall.


Now Zed and I have consciously removed that ownership from each other and encourage the embracing of these relationships. The freedom to explore them openly is such a wonderful feeling that it has impacted every aspect of my life.

My goal for myself is to Love more. Release these walls around me and look people in the eye. Know that they have their own journey and listen.

As the beautiful mind, Eckhart Tolle says:
"Be the silent watcher of your thoughts and behavior. You are beneath the thinker. You are the stillness beneath the mental noise. You are the love and joy beneath the pain."


With that in mind, I have picked up several pastimes quite a bit more. I have definitely surpassed that depressive slump, I feel. Working out regularly, hiking, just got my bike ready to go out with a friend later this week.

I've also decided, now that I'm 6 weeks into getting back in killer shape, I'm going to order my first pair of poi. I've wanted to learn to spin for quite a while and the more I read about the history and philosophy of it, the more I feel a great passion for wanting to learn. It's just the matter of making that commitment to myself. I don't want this to just be another thing I never follow through with. This is really something I want to learn, so once I do it, I'm doing it.
I'm so doing it.

I told Zed I want to do it and his response was
"Of course you do."
:p

ALSO have an accountability source for my reading as of late. :cool:

Very very happy about all of these sources of bonding and expressing. It's fueling my photo work nicely as I'm juggling 4 projects currently. All coming along pretty well.

If I could just find time to put into marketing. :rolleyes:
Maybe I can squeeze it in before the end of this week.
AKA, Pre-poi arrival. Distractions. ;)
 
REALLY QUICK GIRLY UPDATE:

New unexpected interest under way. Someone that Zed and I have known for several years and whom has proven themselves as a loyal friend without even trying.

I cannot lie, I have been attracted to this man since we met, but because of obvious clearly defined boundaries on our friendship before, the prospect never occurred to me until he drove a good distance out of his way to come to my birthday gathering a couple of weeks ago.

Zed is very happy about my interest and has encouraged me along in this. It seems to make him giggle to see my face light up when his name is mentioned lately. :eek: *blush*

This new fellow and I have been talking more and more, extending into those wonderful long deep conversations. I'm trying to take it easy and not be too excessive in the conversation, Those battles of expectations are hard ones to fight. But in the grand scheme of it all, I know he is a wonderful person and is not leading me on in any way. That's a bit of a relief at this point.

I knew he was a great person after observing him all these years, but these conversations have shown me how deeply his kindness goes. I'm so motivated with happiness and appreciation that I finished a whole shoot and cleaned my whole house today. :D

We are supposed to be hanging out Saturday afternoon when I'm in his area and I've never been so incredibly calm but nervous at the same time. I just want to hug him and talk for hours.

I'm just trying to breath and enjoy this. More often than not, my anxiety and self criticism wants to take over and ruin it for me.
 
So....the past two weeks have definitely been a whirlwind for us in our poly lives. In both good and bad ways.

Bad News:

One of Zed's close friendships seems to have fallen apart entirely. They met a few months ago and after revealing to her that we are poly, she and Zed seemed to grow closer for a while. She had him over a lot, they had movie nights, Zed would always think of something a little extra to bring her. Ya know, the usual cutesy stuff that the girl always adores. And she did.
Until she started giving off really weird mixed signals and eventually questioned Zed's motives. Zed decided to send her a long email explaining his feelings, but reassuring her he did not have expectations of her. After that, her defenses became high, she got aggressively emotional and she and Zed both kind of cracked. I can't really blame Zed for his reaction (she was a bit misleading and self serving), nor can I really blame her for her confusion. The communication just became very broken. It's unfortunate that had to happen, I just think that they both need some time to cool off for a while.


Good - Mediocre News:

There was a couple that Zed and I got involved with at the very beginning of this poly journey. Pixie and Dan. They're totally beautiful people and perfect for the face of the band they're in.
That's really what drug us in- they're beautiful, talented, AND seemingly genuine??

Over the course of the next month, things escalated very quickly, both relationship pushing and fueling itself along the way. And then at the drop of the hat, our communication and friendships with them collapsed entirely simply because they wanted to ignore problems.

WELL... last week, just as quickly as they dropped off, they came back. They both began with making their own separate attempts at reopening communication, to which I feel we responded appropriately. Dan explained himself, apologized, and requested another go, to which I explained that friendship is fine, but you have to actually try and be my friend. Anything else beyond that, I cannot promise, nor do I believe that I could ever reciprocate again.

Pixie and I had our own discussion which actually ended up going really well. Her communication was actually clear and not forced and she was pretty humble and accepted what I had to say entirely. Since then she has actually made excessive attempt at keeping up with us. I'm sure a lot of it is overcompensation that may taper off, but she's trying.

Zed seems to still really like her, but he's leaving expectations behind. She's told me she is still attracted to him and we have talked a bit on that front. The communication is there. In my book this is good news.

Dan seems to just be there when we hang out. I've caught him staring a few times...and he may have made some references (that I ignore), but a friendship otherwise has just not been attempted. People really impress me with how shallow they can be.


But on another positive note, I'm currently running through the rest of this week with anticipation for my day with Cuba on Monday. ;) This will be our first SOLO hangout date. I'm radiating NRE like a mofo and trying to contain myself is going to get me a lot of miles in at the gym this weekend.


Also, for those of you who would like to put a face to this blog, this is me as Harley Quinn :p
 

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Soooooo, things with Cuba are definitely going faster than I was anticipating. He ended up having me stay over with him and we moved everything to his bedroom later in the evening. We spent the next 10 hours or so laid up in bed, snuggling, playing, and enjoying each other until we dozed off together. It really was a wonderful dynamic that we were able to find. After actually becoming physical, I feel like we have found a particular flow between us. I don't necessarily have these amazing "butterfly" feelings or "giddiness" like I would have imagined. He and I seem to have a really natural FWB type scenario. We respect each other, we enjoy spending time together, sharing things about ourselves and keeping each other in the loop on the things on our minds. And the bedroom is just icing on the cake because we are obviously very very attracted to each other.

All in all, I feel really good about where things are in that scenario. I truly feel like I've gotten more control of my mind creating expectations.


Zed had a little bit of jealousy come up very briefly when I told him about what happened, which we talked through. The real problem that arose was the fact that I halted the details once I saw him having the jealousy issues because he was about to go into a concert with Pixie and Dan. Instead I told him when he got in from the concert early this morning. He had misunderstood that there was more, which I should have clarified. And I misunderstood how urgently he was expecting to hear about breaking grounds with a partner physically.

Both of those issues were addressed and we made solid agreements which we didn't really know how to make before. I am very private about my intimate experiences with people and therefore the space to share those things in private, to me, is more important than announcing it in scenarios that might affect more than just us if jealousy erupts or we need to talk it out. Zed seemed to understand this feeling once things were talked out. He even seemed to find appreciation in the agreement for the space and privacy.
"So there's more but I should tell you about it later." is a very important clarification tool which we established will be our phrase if time or privacy is not a clear option right then.

We still have so much to learn in all of this, but all in all everything feels pretty positive. I am just very grateful that Zed and my communication only seems to improve with time. I hope we can continue heading uphill in this way, I feel like in some ways this is a thin line to walk. I don't like causing anyone insecurity or negativity in these experiences and I suppose that is my biggest struggle.
 
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Was communicating with Cuba last night about our physicality over Monday evening. The important question of "What are the rules with us?" came up.

Of course, the simplest answer I could give him at 4am was that we simply needed to disclose to Zed once certain grounds were reached. Of course that was a good enough answer for him, but I still woke up with it on my mind.
Browsing through our resources, I ended up sending him two articles regarding "agreements vs. rules" because I felt they covered things better than I ever could. I really just wanted to communicate this with him as thoroughly as possible so he also had a foundation of how he would be treated as well. I really don't think he ever had a very fair foundation regarding his poly experiences.

I know he is busy so I sent those and closed wishing him a wonderful weekend. I didn't want him to feel he had a time limit or that I expected an immediate response.

Apparently he has seen it, so now I'm struggling with my usual anxiety of his thoughts on the matter. I know there's no reason for me to really feel that way, but I know I tend to obsess, so I'm spilling it here. Bleh.
 
Being poly can get really confusing and overwhelming really quickly...

As I have explained previously, my focus has been primarily on Cuba. I like Cuba a ton and feel that what we have is wonderfully fulfilling and completely worth riding out, even if the distance makes things a little difficult. I adore him deeply and its been a bit of a challenge keeping my emotions in check.
All the same, this is where my focus has been.

Meanwhile, things have really gone well with Zed and Pixie. They made things "official" earlier this week and it feels natural rather than rushed like last time. They both seem very happy. Zed is also joining their band because Dean and Pixie have both recognized his talent and worth. I'm very very happy that things are better there. Zed believes that they recognized we were genuine and that just because the other people they had invested in before were not, does not mean we are the same.

Therefore now Dean is beginning to be a little more obvious. It really started the night I showed up to the end of their concert. I didn't tell Dean I was coming, Pixie knew I was going to come and hang out and I thought I would miss the show. As it turned out, I showed up within their last two songs. Worked my way to the center of the room...and then he spotted me. I could tell as soon as he did because he broke character, got visibly excited, pointed me out, and winked at me. After that he has tried discernibly to get my attention. Even after the concert that night, Dean and Pixie came over and stayed until like 5am just hanging out. He's also text me every day, and then dropped the bomb Friday:

"So--side note: the last few times we've hung out has really made me realize that I screwed up something that was really turning into something good."

Zed feels I am being too hard on him as I just told him that I agree and it's simply hard for me to trust him right now. I reassured him that I will not hold things over his head and his efforts have made me feel better about the friendship. He then came by my work yesterday and stayed for a good while with Pixie and then came by our house and hung out for a while before band practice.


*Sigh* I've pretty much decided that whatever happens is going to have to be natural. My emotional investment is not in this right now. It is in Cuba. And I feel the best thing I can do is bring that to his attention the next time I see him.
 
Quite a few changes have happened since my last post. Changes that I hope will continue to be positive, but I know I only have so much control. It's something that I am having to learn to exercise in appropriate moments.

Essentially, I decided to give this thing with Dean another chance. I reached a point where I could no longer deny my attraction to him, so my coldness to him being drawn to me and wanting to engage with me eventually fell. We connect. We seem to have a deeper understanding of each other than I've really found in someone else.

Zed knows me deeply via time and experience. We are, however, practically the opposite in the way we function and deal with things. We balance each other and can hold each other accountable.

Dean practically IS me. Only I'm not a musical pro and his level of graphic design skill is far beyond what I will ever achieve. His level of autodidactism astounds me. And honestly encourages my own self-education and self expression in some really wonderful ways.

Also in this past week, Zed and I have been moving into the house across the street from Dean and Pixie. (WHAAAAA???! I kno, right?)
I was actually very argumentative about this in the beginning. The idea of doing this made me really nervous, however, with Zed as a big part of their band now, the massive sunroom is perfect for setting up a private studio. It's really hard for me to deny something that I know will be healthy not just for business, but creative flow as well.

Really the only issue that seems to be reoccurring has been Zed and Pixie fighting. They are both extroverted and very stubborn so fights last forever and reach ridiculous highs.
I tried to stay out of it unless Pixie comes to me and asks for advice.

Yesterday was also mine and Dean's 2 month so we all went out together for dinner at the brewery here in town and it was wonderful. 😍 Cheesy appetisers, perfectly cooked pasta, chocolate mouse.
We don't normally go out all 4 of us like that but last night was a celebration of many different things so it was quite appropriate.

I've also seen Cuba twice since my last post. My art piece hangs above his computer (with his own drawings ☺️) and he came in town with friends for a comedy show Friday. His set went very well and Dean and he finally got to meet. Cuba made it a point to be brotherly to Dean and he kissed me goodbye in the middle of the pub even though we weren't going to have any alone time that night. Things always feel natural, casual, and never out of place. I'm just not really certain when I'm going to see him again. 😕

My life is moving really fast these days and I'm really trying to keep up. This is only the biggest parts of what have happened.

So now that I have updated in novel form, I need to go finish unpacking our new house.
 
Quite a few changes happening over here for our poly family. We've had several hurdles to work through in order to learn how each other work and how we need to communicate. It was kind of a rough start, but we seem to have gotten through the worst of it and now function very normally and naturally together.

Now I seem to be processing a lot of emotions and trying to wrap my head around the reality of all of this. I know what I have in Zed and what we have to offer each other. I know the role he plays in my life and I am thankful for that.
Pixie reminds me of how impressively talented he actually is; something I always knew, but having it clarified by a reliable source is a nice justification.

Then as I settle into my feelings for Dean and have more time knowing him and being close with him, I start to realize the feelings I have for him are growing in some really uncontrollable ways. The way we can relate, the way we can truly connect and talk. And then he turns around and impresses the shit out of me with something else he does or says.

I can't really imagine my poly life being much better than it is right now. Lately we've been enjoying together alot of cooking, cleaning, moving, and weird card games.


I'm hoping that once things actually do get decently settled, I can plan a trip to go see Cuba again. I miss his face, though I am becoming nervous about seeing him again. I know he would find it silly, but after the past couple of interactions, I can somewhat see why he would let it fade away and not want to talk as much. And my emotional development for Dean has progressed so rapidly lately that seeing Cuba almost feels wrong. I'm sure things will be fine once I see him, but point being; I have no idea what I should be feeling with Cuba or if I should continue it...he doesn't really seem to care to communicate to me very much but I feel he's doing it for specific reasons.
 
Our household is finally settling to a normal functioning pace. Issues and troubles are becoming less frequent as I feel we've learned a bit better how to coach and influence each other without things escalating to negative issues. That's been a really nice feeling.


Dean and I have been together 4 months as of Thursday. And my love for him seems to grow exponentially by the day. He and I don't ever really fight. Of course, with us being so introverted by heart, we've already acknowledged and discussed our issues when it comes to holding things in.

I'm still astonished that he wants me, really. His natural stage charisma, his creativity and endless sense of ambition and self education. He impresses me more every day.
And now I look at his face at random moments, the way he furrows his brow, the sensitivity in his eyes, the commissure of his mouth...it all seems so familiar. It's like deja vu of a long forgotten memory. He's one of the most beautiful people I've ever known.

And then he tells me how lucky and undeserving he feels. How? What have I done? Does he even see himself?

All of these overwhelming feelings are joined by a strange sense of happiness. A happiness I'm not sure what to do with. A good number of my friends have dropped off for various reasons, some have their own lives taking off, and some I can tell are for other reasons. Some are quite obvious on their bitterness towards me and I'm not sure how to handle it. I try to only share things when I'm asked, but I feel that some people may see me as living in an unrealistic fantasy world.

I feel like my life and friendships have almost reversed. The ones I once could go to, I no longer can, while everything else in my life seems to be on a consistent uphill slope. It's making my normal seasonal depression manifest in very different ways and the only thing I know to do is to talk about it with these wonderful people that have chosen to adopt me into their family. It helps, but the self doubt is still there in some ways.
 
Latest art.
Accurate representation for the fire inside me lately.
Graphite and soft pastels.
 

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It's been a rough few weeks. Dealing with issues in our poly world, learning about ourselves and our needs. It's pushing each of us over the edge in different ways these days and I don't always know how to deal.

It seems to be a struggle of primaries and monogamous wiring we're trying to break from.

After a long discussion with Pixie today, she and I came to a theory that one of my main problems is that I am an empath. I always brushed the idea off because I thought the way I was feeling was normal and I am just weak. But I'm realizing now that a lot of my troubles have come from a barrage of emotions I never understood because they weren't my own. After reading through quite a few articles, I feel I understand my own self a little more and how to identify the difference between my own emotions and others.

Maybe I should start writing here aside from updates on the poly life. I feel it could be therapeutic to write through some of these things.
 
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