AutumnLeaves
New member
My life right now has basically been a study in avoiding my own polyamory processing blog because I don't really want to process anything.
Basically it's like this. My relationship with Purr has already been struggling with the lack of overnights, the lack of communication, the lack of random I love yous (or even conversations!). These are things that characterized our relationship a couple months ago. We've stopped making plans about fun things to do in the future. I told her that I needed overnights but haven't received any.
Our last week's visit was canceled because of mutual feeling bad. And then Friday happened.
On Friday, I got a group message from Purr addressed to me and the other female couple she sees about how she's panicked because she loves us but she loves Quiet too, she and the kittens have grown dependant on him, and he "can't live like this" (where this means poly). She doesn't think either of them can live without the other. Basically it read like her soft-breaking-up with us...
...except with the added bonus of a lot of triangulation, which is particularly frustrating since he's shut down my attempts to actually have a direct conversation with him with one-word answers.
Cue all kinds of emotional badness on my part. While I want her to be happy, I was very hurt and angry. I tried to communicate all of that and was met with a lot of negative self-talk on her part. She stated that she doesn't want to break up with anyone and she wants everything to work out. I clarified that I wasn't going to preemptively abandon her, but she needs to make some decisions for herself about what will make her happy. She thanked me and wished me a peaceful night.
And then... nothing all weekend. I texted her on Sunday with a wishing her well, hoping to gauge whether she was in a place she could talk, and got back such a generic response that it was just depressing.
For the first time ever, I don't want to go over there on Tuesday. I can't hang out with the boys while pretending that everything is okay. She and I need to have a serious talk about our relationship. I'd prefer it be in person, but since she hasn't been able to find the time for a single overnight in over two months, my thoughts on the likelihood of that happening are pretty low. So text will have to suffice.
Meanwhile, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my own needs. I don't think I can feel safe in a relationship with her, with him on the other side. I don't think that "not breaking up with anyone/everything working out" is realistic. Even setting aside my NEED to be able to have basic conversations with my metamours, I have some seriously hurt feelings and mistrust of Purr at this point. Those are not really about Quiet, it's about this how I've been left to feel like I have little to no value lately. He's just been the catalyst for her behaviors. And while she says all the right words, her behaviors are telling.
On the one hand, I know she's struggling with some serious mental health stuff right now. I'm very well-acquainted with how that goes.
So I just don't know. I need to make a decision about whether I'm going over there tomorrow with reasonable time to inform her. I'm leaning no and that we need to have A Conversation before I next see her, but I keep hesitating on pulling the trigger. And that's where things are at with me.
Basically it's like this. My relationship with Purr has already been struggling with the lack of overnights, the lack of communication, the lack of random I love yous (or even conversations!). These are things that characterized our relationship a couple months ago. We've stopped making plans about fun things to do in the future. I told her that I needed overnights but haven't received any.
Our last week's visit was canceled because of mutual feeling bad. And then Friday happened.
On Friday, I got a group message from Purr addressed to me and the other female couple she sees about how she's panicked because she loves us but she loves Quiet too, she and the kittens have grown dependant on him, and he "can't live like this" (where this means poly). She doesn't think either of them can live without the other. Basically it read like her soft-breaking-up with us...
...except with the added bonus of a lot of triangulation, which is particularly frustrating since he's shut down my attempts to actually have a direct conversation with him with one-word answers.
Cue all kinds of emotional badness on my part. While I want her to be happy, I was very hurt and angry. I tried to communicate all of that and was met with a lot of negative self-talk on her part. She stated that she doesn't want to break up with anyone and she wants everything to work out. I clarified that I wasn't going to preemptively abandon her, but she needs to make some decisions for herself about what will make her happy. She thanked me and wished me a peaceful night.
And then... nothing all weekend. I texted her on Sunday with a wishing her well, hoping to gauge whether she was in a place she could talk, and got back such a generic response that it was just depressing.
For the first time ever, I don't want to go over there on Tuesday. I can't hang out with the boys while pretending that everything is okay. She and I need to have a serious talk about our relationship. I'd prefer it be in person, but since she hasn't been able to find the time for a single overnight in over two months, my thoughts on the likelihood of that happening are pretty low. So text will have to suffice.
Meanwhile, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my own needs. I don't think I can feel safe in a relationship with her, with him on the other side. I don't think that "not breaking up with anyone/everything working out" is realistic. Even setting aside my NEED to be able to have basic conversations with my metamours, I have some seriously hurt feelings and mistrust of Purr at this point. Those are not really about Quiet, it's about this how I've been left to feel like I have little to no value lately. He's just been the catalyst for her behaviors. And while she says all the right words, her behaviors are telling.
On the one hand, I know she's struggling with some serious mental health stuff right now. I'm very well-acquainted with how that goes.
So I just don't know. I need to make a decision about whether I'm going over there tomorrow with reasonable time to inform her. I'm leaning no and that we need to have A Conversation before I next see her, but I keep hesitating on pulling the trigger. And that's where things are at with me.