Leaf on the Wind

My life right now has basically been a study in avoiding my own polyamory processing blog because I don't really want to process anything.

Basically it's like this. My relationship with Purr has already been struggling with the lack of overnights, the lack of communication, the lack of random I love yous (or even conversations!). These are things that characterized our relationship a couple months ago. We've stopped making plans about fun things to do in the future. I told her that I needed overnights but haven't received any.

Our last week's visit was canceled because of mutual feeling bad. And then Friday happened.

On Friday, I got a group message from Purr addressed to me and the other female couple she sees about how she's panicked because she loves us but she loves Quiet too, she and the kittens have grown dependant on him, and he "can't live like this" (where this means poly). She doesn't think either of them can live without the other. Basically it read like her soft-breaking-up with us...

...except with the added bonus of a lot of triangulation, which is particularly frustrating since he's shut down my attempts to actually have a direct conversation with him with one-word answers.

Cue all kinds of emotional badness on my part. While I want her to be happy, I was very hurt and angry. I tried to communicate all of that and was met with a lot of negative self-talk on her part. She stated that she doesn't want to break up with anyone and she wants everything to work out. I clarified that I wasn't going to preemptively abandon her, but she needs to make some decisions for herself about what will make her happy. She thanked me and wished me a peaceful night.

And then... nothing all weekend. I texted her on Sunday with a wishing her well, hoping to gauge whether she was in a place she could talk, and got back such a generic response that it was just depressing.

For the first time ever, I don't want to go over there on Tuesday. I can't hang out with the boys while pretending that everything is okay. She and I need to have a serious talk about our relationship. I'd prefer it be in person, but since she hasn't been able to find the time for a single overnight in over two months, my thoughts on the likelihood of that happening are pretty low. So text will have to suffice.

Meanwhile, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my own needs. I don't think I can feel safe in a relationship with her, with him on the other side. I don't think that "not breaking up with anyone/everything working out" is realistic. Even setting aside my NEED to be able to have basic conversations with my metamours, I have some seriously hurt feelings and mistrust of Purr at this point. Those are not really about Quiet, it's about this how I've been left to feel like I have little to no value lately. He's just been the catalyst for her behaviors. And while she says all the right words, her behaviors are telling.

On the one hand, I know she's struggling with some serious mental health stuff right now. I'm very well-acquainted with how that goes.

So I just don't know. I need to make a decision about whether I'm going over there tomorrow with reasonable time to inform her. I'm leaning no and that we need to have A Conversation before I next see her, but I keep hesitating on pulling the trigger. And that's where things are at with me.
 
Huge relief on scheduling the "let's have a talk" front. I'll be heading over to Purr's tomorrow after the kittens are in bed for a let's talk needs and boundaries talk. While I do also miss seeing the boys, I just can't deal with them right now.

I think a real part of my stress has been bottling related, feeling like I shouldn't say anything because of not wanting to add to her stress. Which has only served to stress me out more. There is a HUGE relief in knowing that I'm just going to say what's on my mind and let her do with it what she will.

I have at this point two items on my agenda. I want to reiterate my need for occasional overnights (or at the least some sort of fun day activity; I think the real root of my problem lately is feeling like I get all the cucumbers in a sense and am not considered or prioritized for child-free time but I do a lot of family-care time), and the boundaries that I think may help regarding Quiet (if we have a date set he is not invited as well, and I no longer want to hear about Quiet-related personal issues particularly as they relate to polyamory).

I'm trying to think about the things that are actively upsetting me. Constantly feeling threatened by his anti-poly sentiments tops the list. If she stopped telling me about them, I could effectively ignore them.

That said, I don't think I need to go full-scale DADT here. In fact, I'd actively prefer the opposite, where he and I are on speaking terms and I can have my compersion back, but when I tried to reach out I felt like I was met with hostility. And I'm getting the exact opposite of compersion lately. As happy as she claims she is with him, all I hear about is the stress. I simply can't do that anymore.

Ah well. It's not my place to force him into any style of poly, and frankly, if I wasn't hearing about his shit all the time I wouldn't feel threatened enough to need to de-escalate the threat level by talking with him to clear the air.

The overnights thing is I think a little more flexible. I think overnights is kind of a misnomer: it's really more a need for weekend adult time where I'm not constantly having to censor myself and my affection in front of her children. Honestly, I think the day date we had would have been enough child-free adult alone time if Quiet hadn't been invited along. But I do need this at least semi-regularly, I'd say once a month but two months has really pushed it past what I can stand. I'm feeling disconnected and like I get very little positive energy out of our relationship. I think this would address that issue.

Which leads me to the last thing. While normally I wouldn't mind going somewhere with her and a metamour (the time we all threw her a birthday dinner for instance was very fun), I don't want to be invited on a date if it's going to be a hybrid date with Quiet and I. If she can't invite me alone, I just don't want to be invited. And if I invite her, I'm inviting her alone, and if she accepts my invitation she should know that. He feels hostile to me. I would have no fun co-dating Purr with him, and it triggers negative feelings every time she asks.

I think these three things would cut down enormously on the stress I've been feeling. So I'm going to bring them up and see what she says.
 
Last night went well. There's a huge difference between going to Purr's house directly after work when the kittens are at their most rambunctious, with no down time, and going to the bookstore and then reading in a sun-drenched park before going to Purr's house after the kittenshave gone to bed. Despite knowing that I was going to have A Talk afterward, it was the right level of recharging and relaxing.

Anyway, it was a good talk. We got the air cleared and I again expressed how important having adult-alone time is (and I also explained my insight that it isn't necessarily overnights as it is having some kind of recreational adult alone time). She started going into the litany of why she hasn't had the time and energy for anyone lately, how she has been neglecting her other couple too, etc, but when I told her that my needs didn't really care about the why, that not seeing her in a way where we could actually connect contributes to the stress on our relationship and my insecurity, she seemed to understand. I also expressed that I know she has to balance the needs of her other relationships, and that sucks, but that's basically hinge life. On my part, I'm willing to be as flexible as I can be to accommodate other people (because they make Purr happy and the less stress she's under, the better OUR relationship is), but I can't change my core need for affectionate quality time. It leads to me feeling disconnected, and then everything starts to fray.

I'm worried that makes me come off like a dick, but it's how I feel. She's a hinge. That means handling hinge shit like balancing the various needs of her relationships. I'm more than happy to move time around, etc, but I can't change MY needs. And quality time is a definite need.

Anyway, she's agreed to make an effort. I think if we can't arrange some weekend quality time, I'll suggest coming out after bed time again on another Tuesday. It's not ideal, but actually getting to talk about things has made me feel so much better. I don't think it would work as a long-term solution, but as a stop-gap measure while her other time needs settle, it might work. It could at least be worth exploring.

Anyway, I'm not putting ultimatums on it, or demanding a fixed schedule. I'm mostly just waiting to see if she is going to put forward the effort. If she can't make enough time to meet my needs, we're going to have to reassess.

She also made what I thought was an interesting observation about a personality trait of mine. I told her that I don't care much about the happiness of people that I don't care for. I actively work toward the happiness of my family and friends. And I care a lot about certain issues, like social justice, and about the struggles of children in the foster care system (enough to volunteer a significant amount of time and money to a nonprofit focused on foster kids) ... but I don't feel it's my responsibility to go out of my way to make other adults happy. In my mind, that's their responsibility, not mine.

Purr observed that she has known a few other demisexual people and they're very similar to me in that regard. Though the way she put it was something like if you're in their family, you're the center of the world, and everyone else can get fucked, which is... a little more extreme than my feelings. I'm more along the lines of "my emotional energy is finite and I'd rather devote it to people and problems I care about than unknown adults who should be able to manage their own lives." So I have to wonder if that's a common trait among people who are demi.

The "I don't want to hear about Quiet's poly problems" talk also went well. I was a little rambly from stress, so I think it took a couple of times to communicate how exactly that presses my buttons. Whenever she says "I love him so much I don't want to lose him but he can't handle poly," I don't hear "I'm looking for advice (even if that's what she intends)," I hear "so I may have to go monogamous to adjust for him" and the freak out ensues.

I also got to explain that it isn't a matter of me disliking Quiet, or that I dislike their relationship. If he's supporting her in ways that she needs, if he's making her happy, then I hope things work out between them. It isn't my call to decide if that relationship is worth the interim stress. It isn't my relationship, and I simply can't know what's going on in Purr's head to make that call. I just want her to be happy.

But I'm not privy to the stuff that makes her happy. She never talks about it. There is no opportunity for me to have compersion. All I get are the "he's having so much trouble with poly" talks. And they hit all of my insecurity buttons. It's creates an overwhelming amount of negative energy for me.

After taking about that for a while, she made some joke about something, I don't even remember what. But it came off with a "so you dislike Quiet now" sort of undertone.

Uh, no. I'm glad that came up though because I don't actually dislike Quiet. He's been the catalyst of some growing pains and insecurity in my relationship with Purr. But he isn't at fault for them. And I'm not going to dislike someone because they struggle. That would be so unfair that I just can't even explain why.

I think she got the distinction there, at least, between not wanting to hear about their struggles and what he thinks about poly (which I do want, because they trigger all kinds of bad feelings I'm trying to deal with) and disliking their relationship (which I don't, despite the growing pains that). Just because I don't want to hear about his poly-specific struggles doesn't mean that I a) dislike him, or b) have something against their relationship. I can actively recognize a lot of ways Quiet can meet needs and wants that I can't. This is MY insecurity problem (coupled with an issue of whether I trust Purr when she says she isn't willing to give up poly for anybody, despite knowing how codependent she can be), not a problem with him. And I want to address MY problem by not triggering it while I try to work through it.

So anyway, that's my rambling post-talk post. Tl;Dr the talk went well. I'm feeling a lot better.
 
...She also made what I thought was an interesting observation about a personality trait of mine. I told her that I don't care much about the happiness of people that I don't care for. I actively work toward the happiness of my family and friends. And I care a lot about certain issues, like social justice, and about the struggles of children in the foster care system (enough to volunteer a significant amount of time and money to a nonprofit focused on foster kids) ... but I don't feel it's my responsibility to go out of my way to make other adults happy. In my mind, that's their responsibility, not mine.

Purr observed that she has known a few other demisexual people and they're very similar to me in that regard. Though the way she put it was something like if you're in their family, you're the center of the world, and everyone else can get fucked, which is... a little more extreme than my feelings. I'm more along the lines of "my emotional energy is finite and I'd rather devote it to people and problems I care about than unknown adults who should be able to manage their own lives." So I have to wonder if that's a common trait among people who are demi....

I'm glad the talk was overall positive! It sounds like you really cleared the air with Purr.

I wonder if it's not that you don't care about the happiness of people you don't care for, it's more as you said, you have finite emotional resources and you know not to take on burdens that are not yours to carry. How does that strike you? I know I cannot make others happy - even my partners. Happiness is an inside job ultimately. I do what I can to bring joy to my loved ones (which includes my friends). But their happiness is not my burden to bear. It's up to them, their responsibility, as you noted.

I'm not demisexual so there's that data point. I have noticed that people who have a strong sense of self, and strong boundary setting abilities are more likely to be the 'it's not my responsibility' camp. I can see how the experience of being demisexual could possibly be connected to strong boundary setting and/or strong sense of self. It's not the norm in society - although it is my impression that it's very common, so being able to state how one handles sexuality and sex could help develop those boundary setting muscles.

Anyhoo, that's what your post sparked in me. It was quite interesting!
 
Though the way she put it was something like if you're in their family, you're the center of the world, and everyone else can get fucked...

This is me! Really. I would kill lions and tigers with my bare hands for my family and best friends, but I can rarely summon any sympathy/empathy at all for strangers.

All those "moral dilemmas" about stealing medicine for your sick spouse? Most people say they are ok with stealing to save their spouse - if no one gets hurt. I would kill the shopkeeper, all the other customers in the store, and anyone else in my way to get a family member lifesaving medicine. And I wouldn't think twice about it, or feel badly afterwards.

What's funny is that I've never met anyone else who shared that mindset, and I've never been able to explain it to people without sounding like a total asshole. Now I usually just say I have a weird morality and leave it at that. I'm perversely glad to know I'm not the only one.

As for it being a Demi-sexual thing... I think some people would call me demi and others wouldn't, it really depends on how strict a definition someone uses.
 
Well, I'm glad I don't sound like a dick to everyone on the demi thing! Opal, I think our viewpoints are pretty closely meshed. Like in GFT's example I think I would kill the cashier if I had to, but I'd feel bad about it. And it being a boundaries-setting thing really might be the case. I'm pretty firm about setting boundaries and it seems like it very well could correlate to setting internal boundaries about things that are "my problem" and things that are "no my problem." Another thing might be, I'm really not sure how much is just poly people communicating honestly and being honest. Though maybe that's just viewpoint bias on my part?

Purr is the complete opposite. For instance, I hear about a lot of Purr's friends' problems because she's so emphatic and wants to help people. But I don't care about any of these people. I listen because I love her, and I offer advice because making other people makes her happy, but her friends who are struggling don't blip on my radar. Purr, on the other hand, gets pretty upset when distant acquaintances are suffering.

Quiet's situation is a little different. I'd rather he be happy because his happiness directly affects Purr's happiness. But I'm not the architect of that, and it's not my place to attempt to fix him. I have met the guy twice. He's an acquaintance at best. But at the same time... his needs aren't my concern. Purr's couple, who really need a moniker here? Their needs, not my concern.

Anyway, GFT, I don't think that your scenario makes you an asshole. It just sounds like a strong tribal and survival instincts to me. You clearly aren't out killing people for sport (the most dangerous game!) or something. Maybe I'm going off down some rabbit hole here, but morality is very fluid and situational. Then again, I'm basically a card-carrying atheist, so of course I think morality is fluid and situational. There are no rules or absolute right and wrong choices in my world, there are only choices that hurt less people or hurt more people.

I think while a lot of people might talk a nice game about letting someone die through passive action (letting your unmedicated family member die) than having someone die through direct action (killing someone to get that medication), if they found themselves in a situation where it was kill to save a family member, they might act differently. I'm pretty sure in that situation, one of two people is going to end up dead, and for me I'd rather it not be my blameless family member than someone who is selfishly withholding lifesaving supplies. But maybe I'm the one with an odd morality!

And now I'm off thinking about the trolley problem thought experiment, so I hope you all have a good night :D
 
I'm glad Flame waited until this morning to have a freak-out because until about Tuesday at 11 pm I wasn't really equipped to handle anything. It wasn't about our relationship, it was "just" triggered by how he felt he was being told his opinion not only doesn't matter but he isn't welcome to state his feelings on the forum of a game we both play. Except Flame, who has come from a series of emotionally abusive relationships, has some understandable triggers toward being told that he is not entitled to an opinion (even though that isn't what actually happened).

I'm mostly glad that I had the emotional energy to be there for him and help him cut the leading edge of his doom spiral with logic.

Every time I feel better and have more energy, I start to feel like it might be fun dating again. But I'm going to note here for posterity and the sake of future Autumn: one live-in partner, one long-term girlfriend, and one long-distance boyfriend IS ENOUGH. I can't even imagine what would happen if things with Guitarist weren't so stable right now.

Meanwhile, plans for my weekend include writing tomorrow, going up north on a day trip with my dog to my parents' cabin on Saturday, maybe seeing if Irish & co are doing anything Sunday, and having a no-pants day Monday, maybe with a healthy dose of Overwatch thrown in. Fingers crossed that all this is relaxing.
 
This last weekend did end up being pretty relaxing. I lost Friday, Saturday, and most of Monday to Overwatch (a new, aggressively class-based FPS if you're not up on games). A friend from an online game gave me his spare game key, so it's doubly great because I didn't have to spend any money on it. Guitarist and I were playing hot seat, swapping every three rounds.

And it was literally hot seat. The whole weekend was 85ish, high humidity, and we aren't running the AC to save money. Picture two fat people in a standard bedroom running a computer all day and... yeah. It's a good thing we really love each other.

I went up to my parents' cabin on Sunday instead of Saturday and had a great time. Both my sisters bailed, so it was just me, my parents, and my dog. It was as relaxing as drinking beer and chatting with your mom on the edge of a little lake can be. And dinner was steak, rare potatoes, corn on the cob, and asparagus. Basically all the best summer food.

This morning I'm back up to the high 180s in weight. Ah well.

I'm planning on seeing Purr this afternoon. It sounds like her and the kittens had a very busy weekend. She said the boys were tired out by the end. Knowing her boys, that's really something. Apparently there's only a couple of weeks of school left before she's full time with both of them again, as well, which could get interesting. I'm sort of wondering how Sunshine will ever get sleep (she works third shift) and I'm glad that's not my problem.

Then Wednesday night, I have a committee meeting to help plan the yearly gala for my nonprofit. We need to bring in extra money this year to fund an additional part-time staff, so that's a little stressful, but it's our first year working with a consulting firm and they have had some really good feedback on event planning.

And that's about it for my week. I'm in the non-stress part of the month at work, which has been great for my mood. I'm hoping that it keeps trending up like it has been. Though part of me just keeps waiting for the next bit of drama to strike, since it's been one of those years so far.
 
It's been a really great week so far. I'm trying very hard not to think about the other shoe eventually dropping, even though my brain says it's inevitable because nothing good lasts forever, and I'm battling it with 'shut up, depression' pretty well right now.

As well as some nice things happening in my professional lives, Purr invited me over Friday evening for some quality adult time. She had also mentioned that Kitten 1 was having field day at school and that she might be exhausted after, and I discovered that she was going to be solo-adulting with the kittens all day. Since I'm "working from home" Friday (read: checking my email and being available by phone for emergencies) I asked if she'd like a second adult to help with field day. She was very enthusiastic about the idea.

Long story short, I'll be going to her house early on Friday morning and then I get to spend all day Friday with Purr doing fun couple-type things (yes, taking her kids to a fun school event counts as a couple-type thing!). I'm very excited about all of it.

Saturday is going to be a writing day. Sunday is in theory a gaming day. I really, really want to run my Deadlands: Reloaded game, but last time my gaming group was supposed to meet, right as we got to Irish's condo, he texted that the game was canceled because his roommate was throwing a fit. We ended up abandoned in the foyer with his tiny excited dog in the midst of very uncomfortable situation. After about five minutes of just standing there, feeling highly uninvited, with no indication that the game was no longer canceled, Guitarist looked at me and said let's just go home. So we went home. Irish texted and tried to call after we got back at home to put the game back on (keeping in mind that we're rural and the drive to his house is about 30 minutes one way) but I was in no mood for it at that point.

So that was last time we were supposed to game. Hopefully this time will go better. His roommate is sensitive and has a history of throwing hissy fits, and Irish is an asshole, so it can be a rather volatile combination. If it happens again, I'm just going to offer to start doing gaming at my house. If nobody wants to drive out to the country, too bad.

And then it'll be Monday again. No wonder it's started to feel like weeks, months, and even years just fly by.
 
It sounds like Purr and Quiet broke up. I can't really say I'm suprised, but I feel very bad for Purr in all this. She's had a serious run of falling hard for people who break her heart lately.

Her couple is going out to lunch with her today and I still plan on seeing her all day tomorrow, so hopefully we can collectively help her keep her head above water while she tries to get a handle on the grief.

In a way I'm rather selfishly relieved. Not that they broke up of course, especially not after I had just gotten to a place of comfort with their relationship. I'm relieved because at least now I know I can weather intense NRE on her part (including jealousy and insecurity issues on my part) and I have some serious ammo for dealing with the depressed "she's going to leave you when some nice new shiny comes along" thoughts. If she wasn't willing to give up poly for Quiet, I don't think she'll let anyone cowboy/cowgirl her away from the things she thinks are important.

Meanwhile, Flame is going through some shit. He's decided that he wants to rekindle a relationship with his son, who lives out here in the midwest. Unfortunately, that means dealing with his intensely emotionally abusive first-ex-wife. Things with her were so bad that the last time I went out there to visit with Guitarist when they were together years ago, I remarked to Guitarist as we were pulling out of the driveway that I wanted to pack Flame into the car trunk and rescue him. The ex made it practically impossible for him to see his kid by turning every child exchange turned into something very traumatic for him, and it didn't help that Flame's second-ex-wife was extremely nonsupportive as well. However, I really commend him for giving it another try.

Despite these other shoes dropping, I'm decently okay in my own mood department. I have a lot of excitement around a job opportunity and a book opportunity, which I think it's really carrying me through. I predict that tomorrow is going to be rough though.
 
Yesterday was a blast, but completely exhausting. I got to meet Kitten 1's kindergarten teacher (it's technicallysome fancy kind of all-day pre-K program that Purr tried to explain but I really don't understand). We spent most of the day in the sun, which meant I was completely exhausted by the evening. I spent the night on the couch, since the boys were overnighting here, and I didn't get much sleep.

She's thinking about getting back with Quiet to attempt to date more casually. I'm generally opposed to starting to date someone again right after you've broken up with them, but it's not my relationship! I'm mostly just here for the listening, treating it like I did after Purr and Guitarist broke up--I'm not going to offer advice or anything, I'm just here for listening and hugs. I hope that if they decide to give it another shot, it's in a way that she can be less stressed out and more happy.

Meanwhile, we're getting coffee as soon as ex-hub comes by to pick up the children, and then this afternoon I need to do writing stuff for a few hours. I'm picking up dinner on the way home for me and Guitarist, then tonight in theory should involve just relaxing at home. Tomorrow is a gaming night, and I need to remember to get Irish some of his character information so that he can reconfigure his character sheet.
 
I'm completely overwhelmed by life lately, guys. Things that are happening:

1) worst allergy year of my life
2) Purr and Quiet are officially broken up "for good" (more thoughts on this later) and Purr is having a very hard time
3) an agent asked me to revise and resubmit a novel so I've been doing outside writing like mad
4) I had an interview for a better position at the day job today

1)

I've been disgustingly sick since leaving Purr's house Sunday. The headache got so bad on Monday that I had to take a couple days off work. Since we closed the house up, things have been better, but I'm not sure we can afford to run the AC. THIS SUMMER MAY GET INTERESTING.

2)

So many mixed thoughts about this. I really dislike the way he offered Purr a "not breaking up" compromise, which he turned around and drew the rug out from under after she needed a couple of days to think on it. That strikes me as extremely emotionally manipulative. Meanwhile, my heart aches for how much Purr is hurting. I think deep down, she really wants a primary of her own.

She's taking some understandable time off to get herself together right now. I kind of want to say at some point in the distant future that maybe she should stop pursuing people who aren't already poly. She goes through a lot of stress in trying to "convert" people like Hatter and Quiet that she could maybe avoid if she started off by dating people who were already interested in doing the work. But now is not the time for that kind of advice--now is the time to be the shoulder-girlfriend.

I feel worse because I am kind of grieving the end of their relationship myself. I had finally come to terms with her having Quiet in her life, finally gotten comfortable with my space in her life, and now he's not supporting her on the other side. I'm so angry at him for breaking her heart that I could just scream.

3)

SQUEE. Having an agent actually want to see more of my writing (a revise and resubmit request is about the best you can hope for as an unpublished writer) is extremely validating. The joy and excitement from this has lifted me out of the trailing dregs of serious depression and back up into regular dysthemia land.

The agent is very LGBTQ+ friendly and actually excited that one of the two main protagonists is asexual. She was near the top of my short list and I'm very, very excited. Doing another revision has been worth it in the amount it energizes me, even she ends up ultimately not taking it.

4)

Hooray for a "surprise" interview (not really). Applications were due Wednesday, and I got a call yesterday to have an interview today.

This job would be more intense, and it would require a more standard work day (instead of my current two crazy weeks followed by two weeks of goofing off), but it pays more and it's a permanent position. It pays enough more that we might be able to keep Guitarist home, working on metal and recording, indefinitely--an arrangement that would please both of us greatly.

On the other hand, I love the schedule and freedom of my current job, so I would be not very upset if I don't get the new job.

Meanwhile, this weekend will be devoted to writing. I'm having dinner with my family and grandma on Sunday, which will be nice, but the rest of three weekend is basically free. Other than paying bills, I have a delightful lack of non-writing plans.
 
If one more person asks me what's wrong today, I'm going to scream. I'm a rocking horse of depression and anger and there's literally no one here at work that I want to talk with about any of this. I'm so sick of dealing with ignorant comments (and thank goodness I haven't heard any hateful ones, just well-meaning ignorant ones, or I would explode in a ball of white hot fury and probably lose my job). I can avoid the ones on Facebook, which I've tried to stay off of today for the sake of my sanity, but the ones in person are harder.

I'm supposed to have dinner with my grandma tonight. My homophobic, Islamaphobic grandma who I love to death despite these flaws. I want to see her, I don't want to see her. I feel shitty for wanting to cancel again. I'm not sure if I can handle it. I think I'll try, and just leave if I can't handle it. Hopefully without exploding.

Flame and Guitarist both checked in today and shouldered for me. I'm not sure what's up with Purr but I don't want to ask. I can't be anyone's anything right now. I'm too much of a mess.
 
Trying a quick morning posting thing, we'll see if it works (or if it makes me late to work).

I had a good date night with Purr last night. I'm emotionally drained and burned out on her children quickly, but managed to catch a short nap while she was putting them to bed, and we got to have a good cuddle and talk. She's still processing breaking up with Quiet. I ended up staying late for some mutual comforting, since I'm pretty broken up over Orlando. Then I ended up staying late and staying up late.

Of course, this morning I'm completely destroyed. But it's not like I've been sleeping well anyway.

We did have an interesting conversation about things with Quiet. She has after-the-fact realized that a lot of his behaviors were red flags, and I mentioned that I had definitely seen some red-flaggy anti-poly things from him early on, but wasn't really comfortable saying them to her. So I explained why I couldn't: the triangulation, not ever actually talking to him, wanting to be a supportive girlfriend, etc. I'd like to think that in a different situation I would give warnings, especially since she's asked me to, but I really don't know man. Trying to put some brakes on someone else's NRE train, even if justified, seems like it would be stepping into a "negative about other relationships" zone that I'm really not comfortable with and like a way to create bad feelings between me and my metamour. So I dunno. Bears more thinking on.

Guitarist has been completely supportive lately, even if he's living in his musician cave much of the time. I'm looking forward to my new video card and RAM getting in so we can get back to jointly playing a video game we both enjoy.

And Flame still hasn't confirmed whether we're jointly vacationing in July. Fortunately for Flame, Purr has taught me to be a bit more "go with the flow" in terms of scheduling, but it's still a stressor for me. I understand that his life is in a chaos right now. The guy who was supposed to be his future roommate is a Trump supporter, so his living plans are up in the air again. I reminded him that he should get tested if he still thinks there's a chance he could make it out. I'm pretty apprehensive about whether sex things will even work out with him (they don't always for me, hooray demisexual), but if he is available to come last minute and doesn't want the whole weekend to be an exercise in frustration, yeah. Anyway.

Not late yet but close!
 
I had lunch with one of my old friends today (from my middle school lunch table group, the one that includes Irish, I think I'll call him Poker). He's started working downtown now, so maybe this can be a semi-regular thing. He's having a "bonfire" of the small city BBQ house party variety in a couple of weeks. And I mentioned how excited I am and how I'd invited Purr along, though whether she can make it is never a sure thing.

Poker's long-term girlfriend is the general manager of a restaurant and works really long hours. When she's not at work, she wants to just be at home. He wants to go out. When I asked why he doesn't just go out by himself, he said she doesn't like that and wants him at home with her. He said I'm lucky that Guitarist "lets" me go out when he's such an introvert how cool we are with doing our own things.

I told him it's not luck. I decided that's what I wanted and left the relationship where that wasn't happening then struck up a much more independent relationship with Guitarist. It was hard and has always required adjustments for both of us. But it keeps us both really happy. And said hey, maybe talk to LTGF about something more independent.

He made some noises about how he could never do that.

I don't understand it. He's not happy. What does he have to lose by telling his girlfriend that his needs aren't being met and he wants a change? He just wants to be able to extrovert without her from time to time. That's not a huge thing. A few things could happen from talking about it: she wants him to be happy too and they'll work through it; or she'll say she can't do that and he'll decide to stay in the relationship anyway because what he lacks is less important to him than the overall happiness the relationship brings; or she realizes that she can't make the adjustments he needs and they won't work out... but he'll know what to do better next time and they'll both at least have the possibility of happiness with someone else that's a better match.

I just do not understand the suffering in silence mentality. If you aren't happy, speak up. I'd rather know when my lovers aren't happy than have them nursing silent resentments over problems that could be addressed. I'm not sure what things could end a relationship faster than resentment, but I'm pretty sure honesty isn't high on that list.

Every time I've spoken to Guitarist or Purr about something that's been bothering me (Flame less so, since we have less daily involvement), we have worked together to address it. Because they each love me and I love them and we want each other to be happy. I've given in to that "can't talk to X" fear from time to time in depressed mode, and it's never had as good of a result.

I want to scream at him "just talk to her!" Maybe I'll follow up at the bonfire with him.
 
Still alive, still poly, just OMG SUPER BUSY trying to fix my novel up for resubmission. All the time I'd usually post here during work has turned into "throw whatever energy I have at fiction" time.

Brief updates:

July in Jersey was canceled. Host friend can't host. Briefly thought about flying out to see Flame instead. Don't have the money for something THAT expensive. Flame has a crush on a Chinese girl and is all gooey eyed about maybe going to China so it's likely not a good time anyway.

Grandma is up from Florida. My brother will be home from abroad. I'm watching my niece Saturday. I'm looking at some fun, quality family time soon.

I don't even know what with Purr. She was seriously creeped on at a public event in a "she thinks he was trying to abduct her" way and her safety plan thought was to... Facebook message Quiet. I'd think calling your girlfriend might be in order? Trying to benefit of the doubt in that maybe she didn't want to disturb me. But that I wasn't even a thought blip for a safety plan is kind of a downer.

Invited her to spend some time on Saturday since she's freaking out about having kittens 2 weeks while exhub is out of the state. I'd have my niece, who's kitten 2's age. Thought a park trip or even just a play date would be fun. Shot down. Ah well, niece and I will have fun.

I'm just going to let that relationship be what it is until I can be certain life stress isn't affecting my outlook.

Meanwhile, stuff with Guitarist is steady and comfortable. We briefly discussed moving to nearby city if I get offered a position there. For various reasons, we don't want to move, but it could lead to being able to keep him working from home on creative shit indefinitely, so it's tempting. I guess we'll see.

Overall, life is stressful but decent-to-good!
 
My brother has been in from out of the country (he presently lives in Europe), so my life has been full of family activities. I like it. I also find it extremely exhausting. My inner introvert is screaming that I've about socialed myself out.

This is bad news since my dad and an uncle are coming by tomorrow to pick up chairs, and we're going up to my parents' cabin Saturday, but whatever. In theory, I've got Thursday and Friday to recharge. In reality those will be writing days, which aren't the most relaxing.

My relationships are about the same as they have been. I haven't heard a whole lot from Flame lately, but that's typical when he's happy, so I'm kind of glad for it. Things are probably going well with the new girl. Guitarist is doing well, mostly focused on his music. His erratic sleeping hours are starting to get to me, mostly because they disrupt my own sleep, but since we're on vacation I can pretty much nap whenever. Purr is Purr. I'm just letting that be what it is for the time being. I think we're both pretty stressed out at the present.

I'm really disappointed about my Jersey vacation being canceled. I was looking forward to that a lot, even if I was possibly going by myself again. I'm in discussions with Guitarist about a possible replacement vacation on Lake Michigan, but with work stuff still up in the air, it's hard to make any concrete plans. It sucks having the rug pulled out from under something I was looking forward to and having nothing to replace it.

So that's my life at the moment: mostly decent but pretty stressful.
 
I can always tell when I've been extroverting too much, because when I get some time to recharge, it's like things click back into me being myself instead of feeling overwhelmed by everyone else's everything to the point I'm not sure where other people end and I begin.

And it's also shark week. Surprise! No wonder I've been feeling so grumpy and fatalistic. This morning I got up, did writing, and felt better. Too bad I only got 5 hours of sleep before the cat alarms went off (again... this is now a habit that I need to get out of). I wish my periods weren't so irregular. It's always easy to recognize after the fact that I've been feeling extra down and irritable for a reason, and knowing makes it easier to deal with.

Meanwhile, Purr invited me to maybe do something this weekend. I'm not able to, because I'm busy with a friend Friday night, my brother Saturday, and gaming group Sunday... but that she extended an invitation really settled me.
 
Things things things. Still very busy with novel writing, though I finished the first mess of revisions and sent them off to some readers. I KNOW I should be using this time for sentence level edits, but I needed to take a few days to recharge.

Last week was a "vacation" for me, where vacation meant high amounts of social time with my family. It was more draining than invigorating. I feel like I need a recovery period from my vacation. It was good to see my brother, though. He's still in town but busier with work and social things this week. Maybe I'll head over there Wednesday if I can dredge up the energy.

At least my boss has a vacation from work next month, so the job part of my job should be light, as soon as I finish this post-vacation pile of crap on my desk.

The job thing wasn't a straight-up offer, it was an invitation to apply for the job with lots of encouragement. Ugh. I see WHY there might be a need for still posting the job but I literally just went through this for the same job here in Small City. This dread of maybe getting this other job and moving just keeps hanging like a pall over everything.

I mentioned to Purr briefly about maybe moving but she didn't say much. Unlike with Guitarist, where we jointly own property, I don't really need her PERMISSION to move. But talking logistics if I end up father away would sure be nice. It's about 1:20 to City from my house, and about :35 from my house to Purr's, so it's conceivable that I might actually end up a little closer. HOWEVER it's also conceivable I could end up father away. Logistics. Logistics are the things that keep me up at night.

Stuff between Flame and the new interest seems like it's not going as well as it was initially. Ugh. He really deserves someone nice. He should get on OKC or something. I mean, there MUST be poly people out near him, or even just someone to mono date. But he's been burned so many times that I understand his apprehension.

I just want him to be happy.

I spent a lot of time with Guitarist last week and we're still solid. There's something to be said about someone who will leave you alone half the time and play video games with you half the time. Thursday and Friday ended up with a lot of nice bonding time. Not as much sex as I might have liked, because cramping, but quality cuddles were in.

Still, if I ever quit my job to write full time I need to work from a café or something. Neither of us got a lot of creative work done.

And now it's time to do some driving. Hooray.
 
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