It's a Texlahoma Story

Went with Andy to a wedding today :) I <3 weddings. I really do. I don't get the whole "marriage is just a piece of paper" thing. Finding somebody you love enough to stand up in front of everyone and say, I'm going to love this person forever ... That's the most amazing thing in the world, to me. I guess the legal part is just a piece of paper, but the sentiment? The complete commitment? That's just... The ultimate.

Also, I just fucking love white lace dresses and flower girls and bad toasts and all of it, basically. Including open bars ;)

I will say it's WEIRD to be the old married lady. Most of the weddings we go to now are guys who work/have worked for Andy. Or his peers at work who are on their second or third marriage (hmmmm what was I saying about lifelong commitment?) But despite feeling like an old crone around the 20 somethings, I love that Andy and I have been together so long, and that everybody says, we wanna be like you guys! Awwww :eek:
 
Dag and I are spending the weekend together at a big Dallas comic con, Friday night through Sunday. Yay? I really don't feel like going, but we've had this planned forever.

I guess part of why I'm meh about it is that I feel like we're only getting to do it because his wife will be out of town. His wife and kids are heading out of town the same day for a two week vacation at the grandparents. I feel like a toy that sits on the shelf until he's bored enough to play with it.

The past few days he's been non stop with the calls and texts. Declarations of love and all that. Which confused me ... Because I thought we were doing ok with the chill fwb thing. And then today, he was going on and on about how stressed and anxious he was about being alone for two weeks, and I thought, oh, he expects me to entertain him while he's lonely and bored. That's... Lovely.

After a few rambling messages abput how he hates being alone and he's going to miss them so much, I just wrote back, you should get a dog.

So yeah, that's where I'm at right now with Dag. The giving zero fucks place. We can be friends, or fwb, or not. But whatever we're going to be, I need it to just be that, not change depending on what's going on with his wife or whatever.

I'm not even mad or sad, really. I'm at least as much to blame for this situation we're in as he is. I spent over a year pretending I didn't have any needs while bending over backwards to meet his. Can't blame the guy for believing my act. I wish I had the energy to try harder to make it work but... I'd rather put that energy into something else.
 
Life just feels very confusing to me right now.

Where is the line between self-growth, and trying to be someone you're not?

Where is the line between challenging yourself, and hurting yourself?

I'm just so mentally and emotionally exhausted from trying to make poly work. It's funny, I've had so few problems "sharing" Andy, and nothing but problems trying to date myself. The opposite of what so many people experience.

I miss my old life. I have no idea why I push myself to juggle multiple relationships when it just doesn't make me happy.

And the more immediate problem - I don't want to spend 3 days at a crowded, stressful con without Andy there. He makes me feel secure and safe. If he was the one going with me, I'd be pumped. Instead I'm just freaking out with anxiety. Is this a point where I'm supposed to push myself and prove I can do it? Or realize that I don't have to do things that make me unhappy just to please other people?
 
And the more immediate problem - I don't want to spend 3 days at a crowded, stressful con without Andy there. He makes me feel secure and safe. If he was the one going with me, I'd be pumped. Instead I'm just freaking out with anxiety. Is this a point where I'm supposed to push myself and prove I can do it? Or realize that I don't have to do things that make me unhappy just to please other people?
Hmmm, well, who would you be proving it to? That would seem like a waste of time and energy to me, just going to prove something. If you don't want to go, I don't see why you should.
 
Hmmm, well, who would you be proving it to? That would seem like a waste of time and energy to me, just going to prove something. If you don't want to go, I don't see why you should.

Myself, I guess? :confused: I get really stressed out in giant crowds, though for some weird reason only indoors, outdoor festivals and such I'm fine. Yay for weird anxiety :rolleyes: So if I go somewhere indoor and crowded by myself, or with Andy or K and crew, I make a plan to get outside for a while every couple of hours, chill the anxiety. All of my close friends know that me and being trapped indoors don't mix well.

But with Dag, I get that "can't let him down, can't be high maintenance, have to be perfect" mindset gong :( and I don't feel like I can say if I need a break. Aaaaand cue the anxiety.

I don't know why I do this to myself, I really don't. This is like, round ten of me driving myself insane trying to be perfect for Dag. Why?!?! Because I'm afraid he'll break up with me? So what if he does?
 
I don't know why I do this to myself, I really don't. This is like, round ten of me driving myself insane trying to be perfect for Dag. Why?!?! Because I'm afraid he'll break up with me? So what if he does?

You sound really unhappy lately. I'm not really sure why you're doing this to yourself either. It's okay to not be perfect (even if anxiety begs to differ!). I'm with Cindie: if you don't want to go, then don't go. But maybe it's time to have a serious talk with Dag about YOUR needs and wants. If you no longer care whether the relationship continues, what do you have to lose by standing up for yourself?
 
Andy to the rescue, as always :) He held me and talked me through a lot of the logistics stuff that is stressing me the fuck out, like parking and packing and weather. He also offered to come for a while Saturday and hang out/ have dinner with me and Dag. (He was originally going to go for the whole 3 days with us, but since his foot isn't up to all that standing and walking, he decided not to come.) Having him there will give me a nice guaranteed break from the con scene without having to, you know, voice my own opinions or admit to having needs ;)

I am really unhappy lately with my relationship with Dag. Everything else in my life is downright awesome right now, so I've been able to kind of ignore it, but yeah it's there. I thought ditching the obligatory date nights would take the pressure off, and it has, but it's also left me feeling really disconnected from him. Freeing myself from living by Dag's calendar has been AMAZING for my overall mood and stress levels - work is going better, Andy and I are super happy, I'm seeing friends more, I'm even making progress on the lake house again :D But it has come at the cost of feeling like I get enough Dag time to make the relationship work.

Everyone keeps saying I should talk to him... But I don't know what to say. I don't know what I want, or what I need, or what could possibly make this relationship work better. It's not like if he did x,y,z, everything would be perfect. There's just a lot of this whole non escalator thing that I don't feel comfortable with and maybe never will. That's not his job to fix.
 
Freeing myself from living by Dag's calendar has been AMAZING for my overall mood and stress levels - work is going better, Andy and I are super happy, I'm seeing friends more, I'm even making progress on the lake house again :D
It seems you've made great progress. So that was a good step. Enjoy the freedom :)

But with Dag, I get that "can't let him down, can't be high maintenance, have to be perfect" mindset gong :( and I don't feel like I can say if I need a break. Aaaaand cue the anxiety.
For some reason you don't trust him very much to "allow" you your own needs. How about test his reactions slowly? For example this situation... just take a break at the convention :) That doesn't even meen he has to take a break too, right? It just means you go and take a break.
 
I tell anyone that I travel with that I need "quiet time,' a.k.a. "quality time apart." I take a book or a game on my phone say I am going to read or whatever for a while. I never have referred to it as anxiety or justify it in anyway, it just something that I do. Prof will work on his compute in the same room when we travel, my only request is no chit chat during "lonely time." ( I have many phrases for it ) Tell Dag to go have a beer while you take a break, give him $10 as a laugh. I think you imagine his response to the request to be worse than the reality will be.
 
..I get really stressed out in giant crowds, though for some weird reason only indoors, outdoor festivals and such I'm fine.

I'm hoping that part of this holds true for me as well...I've never been to a festival, so, in all my brilliance I decided that Burning Man (of course) would be the best intro:rolleyes: (I would be fine spending a week in the desert with only myself or a few close friends - so this is like that but with 10s of thousands of strangers doing the same thing, right?:cool:)

Andy to the rescue, as always :) He held me and talked me through a lot of the logistics stuff that is stressing me the fuck out, like parking and packing and weather.

Always the "nit-picky" stuff that overly consumes me - so I decided, years ago, to "off load" that part to MrS - he hands me a folder with my itinerary, reservation numbers, etc. (For Burning Man, this job is going to Dude as MrS isn't going - we will see how it goes.)

Funny thing...for me at least...when the plan goes awry - an unexpected 14 hour delay because the plane needs another engine for example - it doesn't faze me in the slightest, because I couldn't have planned for that. It's the stuff that I could have anticipated and didn't that plagues me.

My question to you. In the past, when you have felt angst-y before an event and gone, have you generally had a good time? (Allowing yourself "alone time" breaks, of course.) Or has the stress of the actual event actually lived up to your pre-event worries? If this is the case, that you know you will actually enjoy yourself - I think you should go, and let yourself take whatever "breaks" you need. (I swear, this is one of the reasons I still smoke - perfect excuse to "get away".:eek:)
 
For some reason you don't trust him very much to "allow" you your own needs. How about test his reactions slowly? For example this situation... just take a break at the convention :) That doesn't even meen he has to take a break too, right? It just means you go and take a break.

I tell anyone that I travel with that I need "quiet time,' a.k.a. "quality time apart." I take a book or a game on my phone say I am going to read or whatever for a while. I never have referred to it as anxiety or justify it in anyway, it just something that I do. Prof will work on his compute in the same room when we travel, my only request is no chit chat during "lonely time." ( I have many phrases for it ) Tell Dag to go have a beer while you take a break, give him $10 as a laugh. I think you imagine his response to the request to be worse than the reality will be.

I'm hoping the breaks won't be a big deal... Dag gets soooo amped up about these cons, and on top of that he's non stop about us getting every possible minute together we can... I worry about letting him down.

I know bringing Andy to provide a no-explanation-needed break is chickenshit of me, but this last minute, it's that or Valium :rolleyes:

I'm hoping that part of this holds true for me as well...I've never been to a festival, so, in all my brilliance I decided that Burning Man (of course) would be the best intro:rolleyes: (I would be fine spending a week in the desert with only myself or a few close friends - so this is like that but with 10s of thousands of strangers doing the same thing, right?:cool:)

It's not quite Burning Man, but I do all 3 days of Austin City Limits every year, and it is awesome :D Even the years we've been knee deep in mud or sweating in the 110 degree heat.

On the flip side, the last massive indoor concert I went to was at a casino, and I did not get my fresh air space, and I actually fainted. Nothing quite as embarrassing as the casino EMTs checking your blood alcohol in front of thousands of people. Still no idea why I fell over, the EMTs said my blood sugar and blood pressure were both scary low, but they're always super low.

That is the second time I've fainted in my life, and both were at all day indoor crowded things. I believe my brain just says fuck it at some point and shuts off, lol.

My question to you. In the past, when you have felt angst-y before an event and gone, have you generally had a good time? (Allowing yourself "alone time" breaks, of course.) Or has the stress of the actual event actually lived up to your pre-event worries? If this is the case, that you know you will actually enjoy yourself - I think you should go, and let yourself take whatever "breaks" you need. (I swear, this is one of the reasons I still smoke - perfect excuse to "get away".:eek:)

I usually have a blast (well unless I faint ;) ) And amen to the smoking! I still carry cigarettes for that exact reason, and also to make random friends with people who bum them.
 
It's been a crazy few days.

The con weekend with Dag was AMAZING. So much fun. Our cosplay was a big hit :D And Dag was completely supportive and understanding about my need to get breaks from the crowds and stale air. We got out for lunch and dinner every day, and spent a few hours Friday and Saturday boozing by the hotel pool and people watching. A couple of times I had to bail and get an hour alone while he did endless geek stuff, and he didn't mind at all. We had sushi with Andy Saturday night, which was really nice too. The two of them even hung out for a while without me while I was showering and getting ready, a first, and it went fine :)

I left Sunday on this total high... Just so happy and so head over heels in love.

And 24 hours later, I'm back to being insecure and pissy :( I can't tell how much of what makes me miserable is specific to my relationship with Dag, and how much is just my inability to be satisfied in a "part-time" relationship.

When Dag and I are together - like, in person together, in the same place, functioning as a couple - everything's great. We have the same sense of humor, a lot of the same interests, insanely hot sex... And we also "routine" well with each other, we need about the same amount of alone time, quiet together time, and doing-stuff-together time. It's easy, it's comfortable, it feels right.

But when we're not together, it's like it all falls apart. Everything he says and everything he does makes me feel unwanted and unloved - and sends me into a miserable spiral where I think I must be worthless and not deserve better, so I don't even speak up about it.

I mean, we just spent 3 awesome days together. Then today we were texting and I suggested a couple of nights to meet up this week, and he ignored that, and just kept saying "can't wait to see you" without yes or no to the suggestions. And I don't even feel comfortable saying hey, if you miss me, quit just saying so and let me know when you're free to get together! Because what's in my head now is that he doesn't really want to see me, he's just saying that because... well, I can't even make up a reason. Ugh anxiety brain ugh sinking self esteem.
 
I wish I could know if I am ever going to be able to be happy in a non-escalator/secondary/whatever type of relationship. Is there some amount of introspection, work, self-examination that will make this feel comfortable for me? Or am I just basically slamming my head in a car door over and over again :confused:

Every once in a while I see one of those "Ten Great Things About Being Single" lists. They crack me up. "You can eat Chinese take out every night" ... "You can watch whatever you want on tv"... "You can go out with your friends any time you want". Why do people think marriage is a prison? I still eat Chinese take out, watch my weirdo tv shows, and see my friends whenever I damn well want to. But I have someone to do all that stuff with me - or, at least, someone who wants to hear all about it later. I've honestly never found a downside to being in a couple.

I have a similar feeling when I read articles about the great parts of non-escalator relationships. "You never get bored or take each other for granted." Do people get bored with their spouses? I'm not bored. I am more in love and more excited about Andy with every year that passes. "You can focus on the fun stuff without getting bogged down with everyday life." But... Everyday life IS the fun stuff. I love going grocery shopping or fixing the dishwasher with Andy. Plus, it's not like that's ALL we do. I have way more "dates" with Andy than with anybody I've dated. Because we live together and we can go out on a date any time we want!

So it's just a struggle for me to see my relationship with Dag as anything but second best. Not because Dag is second best - but because seeing each other once a week-ish is a distant second to living together. With Andy I get everything I want and need. With Dag, I get a tiny fraction.

Being with him for 3 days straight just made this that much clearer. We are so good together. We would be so happy as a nesting/primary/escalator couple. At least I think we would. But instead we get this set up that is frustrating and misery inducing, where we miss each other and resent each other's other commitments.

Can I do this? Are those shining moments worth all the sadness and anger? I have tried exhausting myself to get as much of the escalator as I could, and it just left me fried. I have tried giving up on needing that much time, lowering my expectations, and it just left me emotionally checked out. I don't know what else to try.
 
One of those rare nights when both Andy and I have dates with our OSOs :D

He's being Steph's security blanket at a dinner with some former coworkers of hers. Some guy invited her number one frenemy and now she's freaking out about going alone :rolleyes: But I think they're planning to get very drunk and stay at a hotel next to the restaurant, so at least part of their night should be fun ;)

I'm up at the lake place, been cleaning the boat and mowing all day in preparation for a cookout this weekend, and Dag is coming up tonight. He's also invited to the cookout, but he's been all indecisive about whether he will come. Of course, I didn't find out for sure until an hour ago that he'd be able to make it tonight...

Yeah the last minute-ness of plans is driving me crazy. But I want to see him, so I put up with it. :cool:
 
It does sound stressful.
 
Kind of a crazy week around here...

I think I've mentioned before that Stephanie's mom is very sick. Steph has been running herself ragged going to doctors appointments and looking into every possible experimental treatment, but her mom just isn't a good candidate for any of them :( Now her mom's sister is dying, up in Indiana, and Steph is going to take her mom up there today to say goodbye. Just a lot of sadness. And a lot of frustration, for Andy, he offered to go but Steph's brother is going instead... I know he just wants *something* he can do for Steph, but there really isn't anything he can do except listen and love her.

Dag and I had a great time up at the lake Wednesday night. It's my favorite place in the world and I love sharing it with him. At one point he said, "I've never had anyplace I could go to get away from everything... Well, I have this place now." And my heart just melted. I love that he thinks of it as his, in some way. Andy and I both really want the lake house to be not just for us, but for all our friends. K's boys have grown up boating with us, they always say some of their happiest memories are there. I cannot wait to have a bigger place and more room to make awesome memories, and I really hope Dag will be part of it all.

In other Dag news, his ex from a few years ago is in town next week. I think they only dated for a few months, but she was a) his first try at poly and b) one of only 3 women he's had a relationship with, the others being me and his wife. So even though I tend to be like, whatever, it was a few months, and it was years ago... It's a big deal to him.

They're supposed to have dinner one night, I think. He was nervous about telling me and managed to completely freak me out with his, "we have to talk about something potentially upsetting!" attitude. I can't muster any stress or jealousy about her. I don't even know her name. Jealous of his wife sometimes? Hell yes. Jealous of an ex who now lives several states away? No. I will however be pissed if he has sex with her, since he has emphatically said he doesn't plan to. I tried my usual "hey if you want more than friends with this chick, let's lay out some general rules" - and got back the standard Dag "I don't want anybody but you".

Which is kinda funny since we spent all night Wednesday trading fantasies about threesomes while having the hottest sex ever :rolleyes:
 
Ok, if anyone who reads this is a last minute plans type of person, PLEASE tell me what it is like in your head so I can understand my boyfriend.

It's 1 o'clock. Dag still has not decided if he is driving up this afternoon. Wtf.

It's not a giant inconvenience for me, really. Andy and I are going out on the boat soon, then straight to the marina for the big cookout. Dag can show up whenever and we'll meet him. Or, he can bail, and we'll just do our thing with our friends from the marina and the neighborhood.

But I simply can't understand his indecision. To me it reads like he doesn't want to come, but is afraid to say so. Or that he's waiting to see if anything better comes along. Both of which make me feel like shit.
 
Ok, if anyone who reads this is a last minute plans type of person, PLEASE tell me what it is like in your head so I can understand my boyfriend.

It's 1 o'clock. Dag still has not decided if he is driving up this afternoon. Wtf.

It's not a giant inconvenience for me, really. Andy and I are going out on the boat soon, then straight to the marina for the big cookout. Dag can show up whenever and we'll meet him. Or, he can bail, and we'll just do our thing with our friends from the marina and the neighborhood.

But I simply can't understand his indecision. To me it reads like he doesn't want to come, but is afraid to say so. Or that he's waiting to see if anything better comes along. Both of which make me feel like shit.

Is something going on with his kids? This time of year can be busy for schoolkids.
 
Is something going on with his kids? This time of year can be busy for schoolkids.

Actually his whole family is across the country right now visiting the grandparents :cool:

Normally I do chalk up Dag's last minute-ness to his having a ton of other responsibilities. I mean, wife, kids, work (IT is not always 9-5), volunteer groups... I get that "hang out with girlfriend" falls a little ways down on the urgent shit to do list.

But his family's away, it's Saturday and he hasn't said anything about work...Sometimes I just feel like the thing he does when he has nothing better to do. And it's one thing if the "better option" is kid time or whatever. It just sucks to realize I'm not as exciting as video games and laundry!
 
Back
Top