The story of Spork.

He's got that Pisces thing going on, of being self-sacrificing to a fault. He hasn't asked for, let alone demanded, anything. Not exclusivity, not any sacrifices on my part. He says that sometimes when he sees me having fun with others, he's got a deep down instinctual reaction to it, but he is able to sort of mentally shout it down. Because he came into this knowing that I am poly, knowing that I have other partners, and with the expectation that he was but one of them. Which in fact I think he feels pretty honored to have that much of me. He tends to respect my needs. A lot.

Yet he hesitates in the notion of being my Dom and part of this, I believe, is the fact that he shares my affections with others. I feel that exploring the deeper layers of power exchange, insofar as we'd go (because the whole 24/7 slave thing will NEVER work for me, with the life I lead)...I feel that there are depths we'd only reach if I am his, and part of me DOES want that. And I am really in love with this man. So my desire to please him, no matter what he is actually asking for, is strong.

I haven't made any big commitments yet, but we've talked a little about certain possibilities. I am retaining a sort of waiting period before things get "too serious" with any partner, I knew when I moved out of Old Wolf's house that I wanted to be careful about this, and I felt that signing a lease on my own little apartment would essentially create space for one year, where I'm not really a candidate for escalation, even if I feel urges to do so. It's a check on any impulses that might lead to life decisions. A forced waiting period of sorts.

For now, I've simply kept him apprised of where I'm at. I am not quite "done" where each of my relationships in the quad is at, although it feels it's heading that way. I sometimes consider some level of play with Dom Sabre, the gentleman from Denver, but I would at this point keep that casual. He is coming down here to the Springs a bit more often now. So I'm not ruling him out completely, but it might be limited to scening at parties, not sex.

I just don't really know how to make those "bucket list" fantasies happen now. The men I've got in my life, none are into having another D in play in their sexual space, and the scene I wanted to do...the best parties for that have passed, and now that what happened, happened, and how I feel about it...I just don't know anymore. I would do it if Zen facilitated it, but I don't know if he'd be comfortable or bothered by my idea. I had previously wanted Fire and Hefe to run that scene...now maybe not.

And I find myself a bit uncomfortable contemplating doing anything that might give Zen jealous feelings, even though he would not try to stop me and he'd do his best to bury them. Self sacrificing, as I said. To a fault. But I feel protective of him.

Thing is, I know I can do mono. I did it for half my life. And mostly I was really "good at it" even if I wasn't necessarily happy. I didn't really know what I was missing out on, then, but it's beside the point. As I've said, I tried to honor my commitment to Old Wolf out of a sense of duty and familial love and "what was right." It would be very different, I think, to make and honor a commitment like that because I knowingly chose it and wanted it. Zen and I are not ~quite~ there today...but it is a possibility.

Ugh... this is why I can't rely on email announcements about blog posts. I manage to skip several and have to scroll back to figure out what I missed!

I mainly want to comment on the bits about being collared but also being poly and having freedom to date or do various things. I think it's important to remember that in the same way that everyone does poly a little different... everyone also does kink and BDSM a little differently. There's no reason that you and Zen can't discuss what collaring means to each of you and see if there's a way to negotiate something that makes you both happy. Collaring could just be a collar for a scene or during play. A collar could just limit you to certain rules (maybe you can play with others, and even have another Dom top you but you can't formally take on another Dom as YOUR Dom). If you want him to have any say over play partners it could just mean you have to ask permission, etc.

I actually just had this conversation with Mr. Hyde because at one point we had a discussion about what if I want to date or play with other kinky people? Would he prefer to be my only Dom? etc. While he wasn't comfortable requiring it, he said he would certainly love it if he was my only Dom, so I agreed, because that didn't mean someone else couldn't top me, just that I wasn't going to actually take on seeing another Dom regularly, and I'm cool with that. BUT, I later realized that we really didn't negotiate it enough to clarify things, so recently we had a conversation about that. What does he consider acceptable for someone else topping me vs crossing into Dom territory? Is there anything he would prefer that I only do with him, seeing as he is my Dom? What's the rule about how any of this impacts my current relationship with Sudo (which saying certain things I only do with Mr. Hyde generally has not impact since Sudo isn't a Dom at all.) Mr. Hyde doesn't want to make it difficult for me to enjoy exploring and expanding my desires, etc. So his goal was not so much to control my ability to be poly, but to 1) set rules that he thought were good from a "keeping his toy safe" perspective since I'm fairly new to subbing like no face slapping, no breath play. But he also set a rule that I have to ask him when I want to play with a new partner, but made it clear that he had no intention of really controlling it or even saying no, he just enjoyed the humiliation aspect of me having to come to him to ask... so in that light we also negotiated that if I can't get a response from him in the time frame I need, then I can assume that the answer is yes. And of course, I'm welcome to re-open negotiations with him at any time if there's something I'd like to change about the rules.

So my point is.... if he's concerned about limiting your poly-ness or anything like that, that doesn't mean that he can't still be your Dom, or that you can't wear his collar in some way. Assuming you can both find something that makes you both happy! And for that matter, him accepting the role as your Dom doesn't have to mean automatic collaring either. That can be worked up to.
 
Well, absolutely.

We have talked. We're pretty good at that, which is one reason why I feel we've got such a good thing. Neither of us is into high protocol. And aside from some instances in play or sex, or when I'm waffling about what we should get for dinner, I don't have much interest in being told what to do. He isn't trying to be that kind of Dom and I'm not trying to be that kind of sub. And both of us are interested in play with others at parties...but he would be comfortable with sexual exclusivity, and while I still think that a little bit of time and space to let certain interactions resolve or evolve in an organic manner is sensible...I'm thinking that I'd be cool with sexual exclusivity, in the not so distant future and in the long run. I do try to express though, that if we ever reach a point where things change with either of us, it's really important to me that we can communicate and negotiate.

I have to respond to the many responses of "you can still be poly" with the fact that my poly relationships aren't really winding down just because I'm in love with Zen or because I'm interested in exploring D/s dynamics with him. Mostly they are, because of the various issues in compatibility and life balances and the fact that I'm having a hard time feeling relationship-level-invested with the others. I adore them, but I feel...disconnected. And I finally got tired of holding myself responsible and worrying and feeling guilty about all of that. It was not their fault, but it doesn't matter if it was theirs, mine, or no one's. And the curiosity/interest that I have for new people is fairly insignificant. Again, maybe I am NOT necessarily polyamorous. Not the end of the world if that is the case, I don't know. I'm maybe monogamish, or polyamorish. Open to both, capable of either? I've heard lots of polyfolk say things like, "I could never do monogamy again." I don't think I've ever said that. I'm pretty sure I have said all along that I think I could if I wanted to, I just wanted the freedom to CHOOSE instead of life sort of choosing for me. To be able to say, "this is really right for me, now."

I did tell Zen yesterday though that I have difficulty making "forever" promises because I have a hard time believing that one can expect to go on for life with nothing changing. Things tend to change. And I do like the freedom to adapt to changes and be authentic in whatever stage of the path I'm walking. I like to pencil in a plan but be ready to adjust.

EDIT: I could end up as mono as can be, and you will never hear a peep of judgment outta me or "poly doesn't work" bullshit. And I think I'll still post here, pretty sure I'd be allowed to, because I think I'd still have stuff to contribute. I'm still going to be interested in healthy relationship thinking, I'm still going to be going strong in the kink community, and if one takes a sort of RA-angle look (in the sense that nonsexual relationships can be relationships) I would love to have a deep committed friendship or two, and other play partners at parties will always be a possible, even probable, thing.
 
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Spork, of course nobody is going to kick you out of this forum for going exclusive ;) You don't need anybody's permission, I don't want you to go on defense in your own blog, and if it's truly righ for you, you have all my blessings - actually, you have them even if it turned out it isn't right for you at all.
The only concern I am expressing is... it seems rather sudden. From true relationship anarchy to something monogamish. I know you've done monogamy 'well' (though not exactly happily with that particular person). I just want to warn you from that "this person is so awesome, let's compromise myself" effect I (and others) tend to get in relationships. You say *he's* sacrificing more then he perhaps should - don't try to even the score!
Magdlyns and Reveries posts are great - but you already know that you shouldn't be commiting to something unchangeable, so maybe that's handled.
Also, your quad has been rather short lasting, but you seemed to enjoy it very much when it worked - of course, now that it's in trouble/officially over with you and Fire stepping out, you will be disappointed. But I don't think you really want to discourage future possibilities because of that...
 
Spork, of course nobody is going to kick you out of this forum for going exclusive ;) You don't need anybody's permission, I don't want you to go on defense in your own blog, and if it's truly righ for you, you have all my blessings - actually, you have them even if it turned out it isn't right for you at all.
The only concern I am expressing is... it seems rather sudden. From true relationship anarchy to something monogamish. I know you've done monogamy 'well' (though not exactly happily with that particular person). I just want to warn you from that "this person is so awesome, let's compromise myself" effect I (and others) tend to get in relationships. You say *he's* sacrificing more then he perhaps should - don't try to even the score!
Magdlyns and Reveries posts are great - but you already know that you shouldn't be commiting to something unchangeable, so maybe that's handled.
Also, your quad has been rather short lasting, but you seemed to enjoy it very much when it worked - of course, now that it's in trouble/officially over with you and Fire stepping out, you will be disappointed. But I don't think you really want to discourage future possibilities because of that...

No, this is great...this is actually the benefit of the forum format. See, even (or especially?) when I have to explain or defend my thought processes, in having to express why I think or feel a thing, I have to really ask myself the right questions and explore and examine the ideas.

There were definitely things I enjoyed about the quad. It has been a wonderful thing in my life, each relationship with each of them. And this is why I really would like to continue at least a friendship with each of them, because they are lovely people who have held valued positions in my world. And my god did I need the moral support and love that they gave me during my parting with Old Wolf. Yeah I know I'm not out of the woods yet where he's concerned, but I'm not in his house, which is such a tremendous change. I'm not struggling not to drown in the hardship of that situation anymore. I don't have to listen to his voice unless I choose to, and I don't often choose to. It isn't a constant daily refrain any longer.

But when I set out looking for something last year, I didn't go on a quest to build a polycule. I started dating Analyst, wanting something in between casual and committed...definitely a relationship, but I didn't want to leap onto the escalator and I was trying to avoid getting with someone who needed and expected that. I knew that I needed time to figure my life out, and couldn't guarantee I'd ever be ready for escalation and entanglement again. Don't know, can't make promises. So when he talked about being polyamorous, that seemed really perfect. And Fire & Hefe were about the most marvelous couple to be involved with. Very good energy, fun and well suited to openness. Apparently I helped to show Hefe that poly could be pretty good, after some negative experiences in the past. And I'm glad because again I think that they're beautiful people who really have a lot to share.

But the fact is that I went with things, not really knowing if it was right with me but it felt good. But what I was really craving, was a very particular kind of person and thing...an older, sadistic man...someone who could take the little bitty taste I got with the Worm King, and show me the whole thing, really explore all of that with me. Not hold back, not shy away. And one who would let me adore him, who would love me in return.

Zen is making good on that, and as I said he is a good fit with the rest of my life, and that's important too. Thinking about the future, I think that doing one relationship might be the best idea for the remainder of the years I'm raising my son. At the minimum, I need to devote time and energy to him in a way that might preclude me managing multiple relationships successfully or happily.

I am not saying that exclusivity with Zen will expire when my kid moves on, but I'm thinking it might be a good time to check in on what's going on and whether life changes affect anything. That is the next big event in my world-structure that I can see making ripples. I want to make sure that I have my eyes open, and I'm doing good self awareness and communication when that time arrives (and always, really, but especially when big changes come along.) That is about 3 1/2 years down the road, which in my thinking is nothing at all. Time that will flash by in a moment. By that point, assuming that Zen and I are still together then, I imagine the NRE will be worn off and it will be a fine time to check in and renegotiate and make sure we're still being true to our needs and everything is cool.

He has concerns about our age difference, and being able to meet my needs in the future...well, I a might be mono enough to do mono but I'm still poly enough to renegotiate to poly and try to do it respectfully and with care, so I think we can cross that bridge IF we come to it one day.

And in fact, though we've had lots of sexual play, I don't actually NEED the frequent sex with all the effort he puts into it. As long as I got lots of snuggles and contact in between. I do need a lot of touch. I need a strong feeling of intimacy. I believe that he will be capable of meeting the needs that I have as he ages; I am not afraid of this.
 
Something I've been thinking of lately...

Someone recently posted a link to an "inventory of needs" on the net. It wasn't very useful to me, it was a list of "of course everyone needs that stuff" kind of items, too basic. But I'm thinking about writing up a list of things that I know I need. Particularly in relationships, but also in life. Not including stuff like food and shelter, because DUH. More high-level things that I tend to feel incomplete or dissatisfied without. Like, "if I don't have this, I'm going to want it enough to consider looking for a partner who can provide it" or "if this is lacking in a relationship, the relationship doesn't feel whole to me." (SM play would be an example of the first thing. Good communication is an example of the second.)

I'll add to it in future posts if more stuff occurs to me. I'm still learning these things!

...

1. Strong communication, backed by compatible values & philosophies about self-awareness, honesty, healthy and sane relating skills. I need to feel that my lover is available for me to talk to and that I am safe to express myself to them, and that they will come to me to talk about how they're feeling...whether things are great, or troubled. I feel we can work through almost anything if we can communicate well.

2. An open mind and each of us respecting our own needs AND one another's. This means that if something is difficult, instead of letting a hard emotion break the entire relationship, we can negotiate in good faith and compromise solutions together.

3. A good life balance and time to invest. Because I need to have time with my sons, and at home, but I also need to have time with my partner to feel that we have a strong bond, I would like my partner to be comfortable spending time in my home. Because I want to remain involved in the fetish community (which is full of so many friends I care about) I would like if my lover is also comfortable there. If we can balance that sort of thing with any of my lover's social needs, and still have alone time, then I feel like we're doing it right.

4. The ability to let me love intensely, to tolerate my silliness, and ease my fears and love me back. I don't know how long NRE lasts for me. I've never had a chance to find out. But while I'm in it, I might fantasize all sorts of elaborate things, god help all of us if I have money to spend, there is no telling what I might do (non issue at the moment)...and I may be clingy, or become suddenly obsessed with the perfection of your eyebrows. I might get suddenly scared that I'm too intense and you're going to leave me, and need some reassurance. And I never know just exactly where or when this level of emotion is going to strike...so a lover should know it might happen, or not.

5. Non-violence. I have learned, the hard way, that I don't respond well to violent people. Those who harbor that part of the brain that always thinks that destroying an enemy is an option. From my ex who would meet a male friend or ex lover of mine and then tell me how he could kick his ass (why??) to the woman who gets in an argument with someone and talks about how she could cut, stab, or kill that person...some people just seem to have it in their minds that violence or threats of it, is ok. That is not me. I don't like violence. I don't want my world saturated in ideas of violence. And by that I absolutely mean destructive harm, not consensual play. Also, I don't like guns. I can respect gun people, the sacredness of the freedom to have them, whatever. But I am not happy or comfortable around guns. I don't want to hear about how the apocalypse might come and we might need to defend ourselves from the government or zombies. After my ex, I'd almost say I'm a bit (ugh god, what an awful pun)...triggered...by this kind of talk.

6. Intimacy. So right now Zen puts a ton of effort into our sex life. I think he sometimes wonders if he'll always be able to do that or have the energy for it. There is no actual pressure on this, to keep it as intense and awesome as it has been...I would be satisfied with a fraction of the stimulation as long as we get to snuggle naked and touch each other. And I'd be satisfied if it happened less as long as we had lots of contact and affection in between. I am not complaining, just saying that right now he goes well beyond the minimum of intimacy that I REQUIRE. The opposite of intimacy is feeling disconnected and unwanted. It isn't only a lack of sex that can create that feeling...it's when we don't talk that much unless we have reason to, and the endearments stop, and we don't have much skin to skin contact even, or play of any kind, and when sex or even sexual play seems like it's a bother to my partner. If I'm not wildly in NRE state, this is where I feel a desire to "be friends." If I AM in NRE, it is viciously painful.

7. Community. I am an extrovert and not having "people" makes me a little crazy. This need was formerly served by my GWAR people, and now by my kink people. I need large group get togethers and I need a big social network.

8. Space. As in, territory. I need some physical space, at least a good sized room, to use for my own purposes, decorate as I please, and feel territorial about. A quiet place to do my budgeting, a place to make art, a place to read or take naps where I won't be bothered by anyone. If I don't have this, I'll dream and pine and long for it literally every day (I lived a long time without it, and my quality of life was less.)

9. Kink. While I do not insist on the indulgence of every fantasy I have, a few are more...interests...than NEEDS...I don't have much interest in pure vanilla anymore. At least a bit of pain play or Dominance mixed in is good, someone who will indulge my exhibitionist tendencies by playing with me at parties, and who will do impact with me there, is better. But most importantly in this, I need a Sadist. I need one who, whatever level of kink we're doing, it's not just some novel thing he's willing to play around with to keep sex interesting, it's something he actually gets some fulfillment from. I want a partner who is not just willing to hurt me, I want one who ENJOYS it. There is an energy exchange in this, that is incomparable. I wouldn't break up with a partner for not being a Sadist, but I wouldn't be mono with one...I need this enough to seek it.

10. Security. Not what ya think! By this I mean I want a secure partner. I want a partner who is not driven by fear and insecurity to get upset whenever I talk to another person, or do a scene at a party with another top, or even engage in the playful sort of "flirting with no intent" behaviors I sometimes do. One who will be able to trust me that I'll TELL HIM if I am considering intimacy with another, and who won't constantly look for clues to betrayal and deception, or fall into controlling behaviors in his fear of being replaced. (My ex was this, and it was exhausting to deal with.)
 
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Went to discussion groups at Voodoo the last couple of nights. I love being there. Feels a lot like a second home. Wednesday night we talked about leather culture, a topic near and dear to our own MFQ (motherfuckin' Queen) who runs the place...which was interesting. I was spot on about the origins and some of the more pervasive ideas, the familial and service-oriented concepts. The protocols however, might be a little overstated (remember though that the MFQ is a pirate, and the accords are only suggestions.) While the original leatherfolk such as your bikers and gay leather clubs might have had many rules and rituals, in today's leather culture it is understood that these vary a lot, so basic respect and etiquette such as one finds in most of our communities is all that's really required. I do however know a few "old guard" souls who still cleave to tradition, to include many of the rules they learned along the way. And I don't imagine there's anything wrong with that. MFQ talked about how in her thinking, there needs to be a balance between wanting to be inclusive and bring in new people who belong...yet there is a need to be a bit elitist just to make people sort of earn their place. Makes sense.

All I know is that, leather or no, I do have a vested interest in serving my Voodoo community, welcoming new folks and helping existing friends find their potential. I want things that enrich this world and help it to continue, to grow, and to thrive. That is important to me. And being supportive to others is, too, because this group of people has been very supportive to me when I needed it the most.

Last night was sub group, and the topic was toys. We brought toy bags and I got some really interesting ideas from some of what people showed off. Lots of creative things found at local antique malls, thrift stores, hardware stores, etc. Funny stories about how couples are sometimes surprised they have not yet been banned from Hobby Lobby for "testing" items as impact toys in the aisles, and so on. Zen and I should maybe go shopping someday!

I brought along my fire bag, and didn't expect it would be of much interest since most of what I have is standard stuff...wands, flash cotton, alcohol, mousse, the cotton cloths and dishes and candles and cups, all that sort of thing. Well, I was surprised, because a couple of the ladies have a keen interest in fire, but haven't found many opportunities to learn about it; they were definitely intrigued. I wish that the fire class I go to monthly could happen closer than Denver. There aren't many good teachers operating down here, at all. (Hello, Supernova? Are you reading this?? You're a hell of a teacher and we need to make this happen...politics or no politics, my friend!) Ah well. Life. I encourage people I know to go up there for his classes regardless. Whatever anyone thinks of him personally, I don't care, the man knows his fire, and he is backed by another community leader up there who is also very knowledgeable. Those classes are fun, and very informative.

Oh, and I have my new little elk finger-floggers (they've got nice loops instead of handles) to work my Florentine skills, and I was reading up about this stuff, and discovered a site where I hope to spend some money (if I ever have more to spend, jeez) they have some cool products at reasonable prices. Leather things. But more importantly, I very badly need to begin making my own whips and floggers, toys and such because it's the kind of craft that is right up my alley and would come easily to me, and I could perhaps sell some. As I've said before, I do need to work on some secondary revenue streams, and I have always wished I could be less of a drone and more of a Maker.

In other news, my allergies are absolutely wrecking me. Seems that sometime in August when the nights start getting a bit cooler, and stretching through most of September, there is a plant or something that is actively doing whatever it is that makes my life hell...molding or pollinating or whatever...I wake up wanting to tear my own face off, more often than not. It SUCKS.

Thinking of life goals that have been on my radar for ages, where I am not doing a very good job (I haven't been, and I really need to find a way to motivate myself...) since I am in list making mode...

1. Quit smoking.
I've wavered back and forth with weak attempts, cut myself back to 1 or 2 a day, but let it come roaring back when an excuse presented itself (social time, or dealing with Old Wolf for instance.) Need to JUST QUIT. Have tried vaping, even that feels too half-assed. I think I need to just shut it out, shut it down, replace it with nothing, and deal with it. I can barely afford to make ends meet; I have no business spending money on something that will kill me.

2. Take better care of my health in general.
I am lucky to have a small, slim body type, and decent teeth, although I don't work very hard to keep these things in order. I don't see myself changing my diet much (my picky eating is just part of how I am, but I do take vitamins.) I definitely want, however, to exercise more, and go to the doctor and dentist more regularly. Just take better care of myself.

3. Art. Making, building, creating. Paintings, sculpture, sculptural furniture, and kink stuff, maybe custom clothing, jewelry, who knows? There are a million things I can make, and I'm presently doing none of them. I've felt stuck for a while, and need to unstick myself.

4. My kid. Q. The one that lives with me. I need badly to find or make ways to get him off of his computer and out in the world and to be there with him. I'm up against some resistance in this, but need to do it anyways.

Lunch plans with Zen today. Looking forward to tomorrow. The plan is party at Voodoo and scene play, then go back to his place...and I've been wanting him all week, to the point of distraction.
 
Oh, also...I am a bit sad to be missing out on the biggest wrangle of my far flung friends, the GWARBQ. People I know mostly from all over the US, but a few from Europe and Canada too, are there now. The party is just getting underway. Facebook is full of pictures and talk, they're hanging out at our grubby, janky hotel (that puts up with us, without calling the cops)...the sex dolls are in the pool. There have been visits to GWAR's studio, the Slave Pit, and to the GWAR Bar (which is amazing.)

I've gone to the last 4 of these. It is unbelievably tempting, and will be until probably tomorrow has come and gone, to just run to the airport, tell everyone to cope without me for a couple of days, and jet to VA super unannounced and last minute. Show up and be like, "I CHANGED MY MIND. SHUT UP."

I won't do that. The me of a couple years back totally would have though, except that me knew she was going and thoroughly enjoyed pre-planning it for months ahead of the event.

Last year's GWARBQ trip featured:
An angry pirate
A midget stabbing
Amateur porn
Rubber boobie
Delicious molasses pot cookies
Virgin flogging
Roller coasters (King's Dominion the last day)
Paper mache fetus
Duct Tape Space Warriors
A hog head, moose meat, and a tongue and heart that might have been beef, but no one really remembers.
A serious lack of sleep
A trip to Walmart.

Oh, and GWAR played at a water park, along with some other bands.

Also band members like to show up at our hotel and hang out with us.

It is a very good time. And I'm missing it. *sigh* Ah well. I'm not as upset as I could be, I mean...tomorrow night, Zen is gonna beat my butt and then bang my brains out, so I'm thinking it's going to be a fun night...and Sunday is the pyro workshop, and I always like going up to that. My life is great, and I don't have to spend thousands on travel to make my life great.
 
If you decide to start making your own toys and such I totally want a link to your etsy (or whatever) store. Actually this has me wanting to look on Fet to see if there are any good posts about good items to buy, like from craft stores, or a local fun kink class on making some good paddles/floggers/whips!
 
We know some people who make floggers and paddles from thrift store leather coats, and chair legs for handles. They are beautiful.
 
We know some people who make floggers and paddles from thrift store leather coats, and chair legs for handles. They are beautiful.

That is exactly what I have in mind. I usually get leather for any crafting from thrift store coats, it can be stupid-expensive to get it as a raw supply. And sometimes you find really cool stuff. Old Wolf was into some leather working, and I regret leaving this one coat for him to use, it was oiled leather dyed this metallic copper color. It would have made an incredible flogger.
 
Weekend recap:

Friday night was relaxing. I don't even remember what-all I did, other than to relax, and man sometimes that's just great. I didn't go out. Zen's work schedule has changed, and he's not available on Friday nights for now, so we do stuff on Saturday nights together.

Saturday, got some tasks done, felt very accomplished. I cleaned my bathroom, which is a big big deal for me since it's the one chore I hate and loathe and procrastinate like none other. I put my hair up, put on my grubby t-shirt and shorts, and got in there and kicked some ass. Every time I move, I tell myself I'm gonna do better at keeping my bathroom clean...I remember when I lived with my Aunt and she insisted I clean my bathroom weekly, and since it was done so often it was just an easy business of spraying and wiping, no scrubbing ever needed. Well and so, I tell myself that's how it'll be every time I've got a new home to live in, and then usually I totally blow it and my bathroom(s) end up pretty gross. Well not this time, at least not thus far. I don't clean it weekly but I've done a good enough job it's not overwhelming me. And I feel all awesome whenever I get it done. Also went shopping, and popped in on Zen. He was at an auction event at a local game shop, and I liked the idea of showing up, I think he enjoys introducing me to his old friends, since how he's got a girlfriend and he's so happy about that. Which I get, since I'm forever on about him and how wonderful he is to everyone. And he wanted to buy some games for us to play, with or without my kid(s.)

After all that, we went to Voodoo for the play party and had a FANTASTIC scene. Did a little scarf bondage, lots of lovely impact, and clothespins, and he got me off with a wand. So so good... He also had his new dragon tongue whip, which I am pretty sure was the loudest toy in the dungeon that night, and he got me on the thigh a few times. That's pretty cool because my backside doesn't want to bruise very much now, but my thighs will still mark up. I've got some pretty purple stripes. Went home with him and had sex until we both ran out of steam.

And then another cool thing happened. We have not always slept well in bed together. I'm used to my soft floofy bed at home and sleeping alone (except for the cat.) Zen's not used to sleeping with another person either. We'd sleep a small distance apart, not wanting to disturb each other, and both of us were just lightly drifting. Deep sleep was elusive. Saturday night, we pretty much entangled our bodies and we both slept pretty well. I know that several times in the night, one of us would move and the other would shift to keep the snuggle factor in full effect, but in between these brief awakenings, I know I slept well and he said he did, too. Of course we were both pretty tired, but no matter the cause, it was probably the best night of sleep we've had together yet.

Then Sunday after waking up, loving on each other some, and getting breakfast together, I got some more stuff done and then went up to Denver for the pyro workshop. That was fun, it was a topic I suggested last time. Cross pollination of kink genres with fire play. So, violet wand used to spark off mousse or flash cotton; fire impact with wands or gloves or the fire flogger; needles and sparklers (only use the food grade ones for cakes!) Fire and objectification. That sort of stuff. It was a good class full of fun hands on play. I didn't bottom for anything really, I was in a quiet and mellow headspace, so not really in the mood to leap up and volunteer, and someone always beat me to it so I was content to sit back and let others have their fun.
 
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The heck with smoking. I'm gonna quit.

I just smoked the last cig I had, and I feel sickish and completely disgusted with the smell on me. It's time.
 
You can do it! I was a 1.5 pack per day smoker and decided to just go cold turkey over three years ago. I still loved it but I knew I just had to STOP. The worst is missing it while I am driving. Don't beat yourself up if it doesn't "stick" this time around. I didn't quit for good until I was 43. It's a process.

I've never commented on your blog before because I am not in a poly relationship nor am I into much kink, but I read it faithfully and know from experience that a person who is trying to quit smoking needs all the encouragement they can get.
 
Maybe imagine putting the smokes money toward a new toy, or a concert or what have you.

Leetah
 
Maybe imagine putting the smokes money toward a new toy, or a concert or what have you.

Leetah

No, I imagine putting the smokes money towards surviving. Money sucks. If I total up what I need for my bills, and what I need to live if I'm being very frugal, I am considerably short what I need, with what I earn. And I cannot earn more unless I finish my degree, which would not be soon enough to help. I'm cutting costs everywhere I can because I'm not really making it here. I'm struggling. It sucks.

There are some changes I'm making that will help. But I'm still considering bankruptcy as an option after the divorce is final. Frankly it's hard to see a way to dig out otherwise. That upsets me a great deal. This is what they mean by "baggage". This is it. Financial ruin from a disaster of a divorce. Wrecked credit, that won't be good again (even potentially with my best behavior) for YEARS. There will be limits to how much I'll want to entangle my life logistics with anyone, dragging all of this ugliness. I really have trouble understanding sometimes what on earth could make it worth it, to Zen or anyone, to be with me, when I have all of these problems.

I don't know, guess maybe I'm being a smidge melodramatic about it all. I'm just depressed, because I worked hard and Old Wolf worked hard for a long time, and we had really good credit. My good name means so much to me, and I hate the idea of defaulting on obligations. Just hate it. I don't want to be "one of those people" who can't pay their bills. It's like it paints me with a mark of someone who is irresponsible and doesn't deserve respect. I feel tainted by it. I haven't paid a single bill late in almost my entire adult life, not since I was about 20 years old or so. I've worked very hard to earn good credit and so quickly, like 17 years of work, in about 1 year can turn to absolute shit. God it's infuriating. It's like, why did I bother? Why did I try so damn hard? Why not just live like some hippie, high all the time, barely working, maybe sell some damn macrame or something, just stay home with my cat...why work in a cubicle and be so disciplined and try so hard? If in a fraction of the time, all of the good you've done can just be shattered and broken and fucked, and on paper you're no better than a total loser who never even tried.

Yeah, it's discouraging. *sigh* Very discouraging.

EDIT: Irony--> Quitting smoking to partially relieve pressures on budget. Side effect of quitting smoking: difficulty in coping with budget stress, and pretty much everything else.

Hey kids...don't ever smoke...not even once...
 
I'm also in a bit of a cruddy mood because my teeth hurt. I still have 2 of my wisdom teeth (both on the right side)...had the ones on the left out, years ago.

Once in a while I get a bit of inflammation there, but it's usually just no big deal. I might have a little foodstuff irritating the gums, just need to brush and floss and get it squared away. Once in the last year I thought it might be getting infected, I actually put honey (Manuka honey, really good stuff and natural antibiotic...not very yummy but it did the trick) in around the tooth...and within 24 hours, it was fine again. So I've managed to not have it removed.

And while I brush and floss at least twice daily, I am bad about getting into the dentists' office...doctors too, really. It's a habitual self-neglect I got used to from the time my kids were young that just hasn't gotten much better. I'm just mastering even caring about my home self-care...getting enough to eat, enough rest, etc...so getting out to see medical pros when nothing hurts or needs done, that's like "whoa! What next, pedicure and spa treatment??"

But now my stupid teeth hurt. I've got a deep nasty ache in my jaw underneath where my wisdom tooth is. And sometimes other teeth in the area, even up into my sinuses, pain is all over the place. It's making me crabby. And it is of course the last thing I needed with money being bad right now, but at least I've got insurance. I'm to the point today where there is no choice. I need an ASAP appointment wherever I can get one. *sigh*

Funny, the time I cured my tooth with honey, I was pretty impressed and I posted on FB about it. The Worm King lost a beloved relative to sudden death, due to a tooth infection (the relative had undiagnosed leukemia) and he FREAKED OUT. Sent me a flurry of messages demanding I got to the dentist and take better care of myself and all. Which was/is SO damn weird to me, because why would he care??

I just really do not get that man's behavior. I don't understand it, I don't grasp it, and it bugs me because I usually understand others really well but I can't for the life of me understand him. We were intense for a short time, but as soon as I showed any signs of attachment he pushed me away...but not ALL the way, away...just out to a certain distance. He'd still message me and act like he wanted to see me "soon" but then never follow up. And now, he still likes and comments on my facebook and acts really friendly. It's like he needs to know that he COULD hook up with me if he wanted to. But he never really wants to. And all signs point to him not caring one bit about how I feel, yet if I'm in peril from a sore tooth, he's going nuts and acting all concerned about what happens to me. Damn Gemini. Too weird.

So I guess I'm gonna go call dentists. *sigh*
 
Bravo! Call that dentist. If your health insurance pays for it, why the hell not go!

Yay for self care. You're worth it.
 
Thanks Mags!

I did go to the dentist. That was...unpleasant but needed to happen. Got wisdom tooth 3 out of 4 out. And while the dentist says that I should get the fourth and final one out, too...I'm not sure if it's really necessary. It's a top one and it has never, NEVER, had any pain or problems.

Oh, and it turns out that the lower right one was infected pretty badly and that a lot of the peripheral pain in other areas was a result of probable minor sinus infection as well. I've got antibiotics and percocets now. And a new dentist, I like them and I like their office, and they are convenient to home and work so I'll go back for a cleaning once I am good and healed up.

Um. So because of how the root spikes on this tooth were, one of them broke when he was taking it out. And he couldn't get in there to get a hold on it or lever it out, it just was stuck in there good, and he did this awesome thing of drilling away some bone around it so he could get to it. You know it is funny but being a masochist does not help in situations like this one. Nope.

And not smoking. So that's good. Can cause dry sockets, smoking. I find interestingly dealing with this pain and/or being doped up on meds means that I am not stressing about money or anything else this afternoon, which is making it much easier to not want to smoke. Like the "sky is falling stuff"...I can't think about that right now. It's too hard for my brain to tackle at this moment because drugs and pain. So not smoking is actually easy. Does that make any sense? I can't tell...

Zen sent me a really sweet message on fetlife asking me to take care of myself and being really supportive and loving. I am so glad I have him. Love Zen SO much. Mm hm.

I was dozing earlier for a long time I think, and I got up to re-medicate and eat some food. I thought that after I ate I might play Diablo. But I got up at 5:30. And I responded to Zen and I am typing this and now it's 7:10 and I don't know how it got to be 7:10 and that seems very strange to me. So I think I might not be up to playing video games and maybe I'll go back to bed.

I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow. lol Depends I guess if I can cope with over the counter pain drugs and not these cool prescription ones....
 
Doing alright this morning. Just using over the counter stuff, saving my percocets for when I'm trying to sleep. I'm not a big fan of narcotic drugs, I've known enough people who got hooked on them that I would rather not mess around with opiates too much.

But last night I blitzed myself with pills and yes I did wind up playing a little Diablo before bed. I slept really well. But taking the perc's along with some ibuprofen and benadryl...I basically did what I could to knock myself out. The only thing that would have made it even more certain, would have been to stack dextromethorphan on top of that, (Nyquil)...but the only kind I have IS Nyquil, and has other stuff in it, I think acetaminophen, which of course is also in the perc's and I don't want to double up on that...you never want to take too much Tylenol. Bad for your innards. So.

I used to work at a pharmacy, can ya tell?

Anyhow I slept like the dead and I woke up feeling pretty good. I'm back at work today. With OTC drugs, I am in no pain, which actually surprises me a bit.

And I'm still not smoking. I have saved $4.50 already!
 
So the reason (besides being generally unhappy due to nicotine withdrawal) that I was fussy about money yesterday...

The way things stand, I have my own checking account and Old Wolf and I have a joint one, which functions as "his." It has overdraft protection to a credit card that is in my name. We do this for reasons...

The way it WAS:
I used to manage the budget and the bills. I made sure by checking each day that "his" account (joint) had $100 balance in it. If he wanted to spend more than that in any given day, he had to ask me. No register was kept of that account, I just watched it very closely, but meticulous records of all expenses (regardless of payment method) was kept in my spreadsheet system. I had access to all of our accounts and made all decisions regarding opening or closing, which got extra payments, etc. I administered our money. This is how almost all of the debt wound up in my name, too...he was so inept with money, he couldn't be trusted to make payments even, so I paid off the massive debt he had coming into our relationship, and over time we opened better (rewards) cards in my name. We had everything paid off except for my student loans in about May of last year...and by a year after that, the credit cards got run all the way up again.

Reasons for the credit card debt:
- He wasn't working for the better part of 2 years. We used them for living expenses.
- I traveled some, though I had free flights via miles, there were some expenses incurred.
- He spent quite a lot feeding his need to be stoned and drunk.
- He signed up for all sorts of porn and paid online dating subscriptions. When his "free trials" ran out, and I told him "Hey, they just charged us $90..." he would freak out, play dumb like he had no idea that might happen, and yell at me to fix it. (He always seems to think that ME calling the bank, will fix this.)
- Mooches. First our mutual friend the Pirate, then after him there was the heroin junkie Old Wolf had hoped to get in bed, then after that there was the woman from Tennessee he hoped would be his new "mate." To some degree or another, we supported these people in our home at various points when we couldn't afford to.

The way it IS, NOW:
We are gradually shifting responsibility to him for his accounts. He has a "view only" guest access to see the joint checking account, and the mortgage, and one other account he's on (a loan) with our bank. He opened two new credit cards, and maxxed them out within a few months. There are a few things where his money still needs to come to my checking account so that I can pay bills...he has agreed to pay a couple of our credit cards, even though they are in my name, for instance, and we still share the cell phone plan. I go in and make the needed transfers early in the morning when he gets paid, and send a text and an email notifying him of what I paid, what HE needs to pay, and what he ought to have left.

I'm holding his damn hand here.

And yet. Yesterday morning, I logged in and discovered he'd overdrafted his account. He'd run around spending money on his debit card over the weekend and when a couple of his bills posted, boom...overdraft.

I'd told him he only had $150 to spend...and he went considerably over that. He says it was just a mistake, and he'll pay me back when he gets paid on 9/2, along with the fees. But I don't like being in the position where MY money, my account, my funds are used to cover his fuckups and budget shortages. Money is really tight for me, too.

And I realized there was yet another bill that hadn't yet posted, and told him that I was going to loan him the money to cover it, so that it didn't create yet another overdraft with yet another fee when it hit.

I actually think, much as he's playing dumb that this was all some kind of a math error and "he doesn't know how this happened"...I think he knew damn well what he was doing, and that it would overdraft, and he just figures he's got a right to borrow against that card now that his credit cards are maxxed and no one will give him any more. He did it because he could. On the one hand I'm now wanting very badly to either have him get his own new account, or take my name off the joint one and get my card un-linked, and force him to stand on his own. On the other hand, I'm scared if we do that, he won't pay what he's promised to pay me if I am not able to get in there and do the transfers myself. I really don't trust him. Especially not with money.

So my budget is tight, these fucking shenanigans are afoot, and then my son comes and says the school needs a check for $105 for his tuxedo rental for the year, for orchestra concerts. And it was a lot to process, and it stressed me out badly in a time where I was already not good to manage stress (quitting smoking.) And I freaked a bit.

But it's alright...I'm hanging in there... And then the business with my tooth yesterday, I just had to set every single thing on the back burner and forget about it for a while and just get through that. It has been painful enough to really distract me from my worries and troubles.

This morning I logged in and discovered that asshat had yet another overdraft. This one was a PLENTY OF FISH SUBSCRIPTION. /facepalm.

I texted him and let him know. He texted back that he cancelled his profile months ago, and he'd call them. He called. They deleted his account, but said they don't issue refunds. (What happened is the same shit that has happened before, he signed up for a paid membership with a long trial period. At some point he de-activates his profile, thinking that's how you cancel your membership and don't get charged. But of course, it's NOT. It's just taking a break from dating, not quitting the site.) So he calls me and he's angry, and he says I need to find him the number to Paypal so he can call them because it's all their fault for continuing the subscription he cancelled, and that also I need to call the bank and dispute the charge.

Why do I have to make a phone call to fix this?

Because if I don't, then "FINE, you obviously don't want to solve the problem. But I'm doing my part. If you don't want to put any effort into this, then I guess you want to pay the $40 and it can be YOUR problem." (That's his attitude.) So he fucks up, but I get yelled at by him for it and if I don't work to fix his mistake, then clearly I want to own the consequences.

And I post all of this SHIT out here in my blog today, so that ya'll can see the kind of epic "how the hell could you even think/say/do that??" stuff I've dealt with from him, for nearly 2 decades. This is why I got into the habit of proactively and attentively tending and monitoring every detail of his life...because if HE was allowed to make a mistake, I'd be the one paying for it. And I'm still trying to get free of this.
 
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