breathemusic
Active member
He's got that Pisces thing going on, of being self-sacrificing to a fault. He hasn't asked for, let alone demanded, anything. Not exclusivity, not any sacrifices on my part. He says that sometimes when he sees me having fun with others, he's got a deep down instinctual reaction to it, but he is able to sort of mentally shout it down. Because he came into this knowing that I am poly, knowing that I have other partners, and with the expectation that he was but one of them. Which in fact I think he feels pretty honored to have that much of me. He tends to respect my needs. A lot.
Yet he hesitates in the notion of being my Dom and part of this, I believe, is the fact that he shares my affections with others. I feel that exploring the deeper layers of power exchange, insofar as we'd go (because the whole 24/7 slave thing will NEVER work for me, with the life I lead)...I feel that there are depths we'd only reach if I am his, and part of me DOES want that. And I am really in love with this man. So my desire to please him, no matter what he is actually asking for, is strong.
I haven't made any big commitments yet, but we've talked a little about certain possibilities. I am retaining a sort of waiting period before things get "too serious" with any partner, I knew when I moved out of Old Wolf's house that I wanted to be careful about this, and I felt that signing a lease on my own little apartment would essentially create space for one year, where I'm not really a candidate for escalation, even if I feel urges to do so. It's a check on any impulses that might lead to life decisions. A forced waiting period of sorts.
For now, I've simply kept him apprised of where I'm at. I am not quite "done" where each of my relationships in the quad is at, although it feels it's heading that way. I sometimes consider some level of play with Dom Sabre, the gentleman from Denver, but I would at this point keep that casual. He is coming down here to the Springs a bit more often now. So I'm not ruling him out completely, but it might be limited to scening at parties, not sex.
I just don't really know how to make those "bucket list" fantasies happen now. The men I've got in my life, none are into having another D in play in their sexual space, and the scene I wanted to do...the best parties for that have passed, and now that what happened, happened, and how I feel about it...I just don't know anymore. I would do it if Zen facilitated it, but I don't know if he'd be comfortable or bothered by my idea. I had previously wanted Fire and Hefe to run that scene...now maybe not.
And I find myself a bit uncomfortable contemplating doing anything that might give Zen jealous feelings, even though he would not try to stop me and he'd do his best to bury them. Self sacrificing, as I said. To a fault. But I feel protective of him.
Thing is, I know I can do mono. I did it for half my life. And mostly I was really "good at it" even if I wasn't necessarily happy. I didn't really know what I was missing out on, then, but it's beside the point. As I've said, I tried to honor my commitment to Old Wolf out of a sense of duty and familial love and "what was right." It would be very different, I think, to make and honor a commitment like that because I knowingly chose it and wanted it. Zen and I are not ~quite~ there today...but it is a possibility.
Ugh... this is why I can't rely on email announcements about blog posts. I manage to skip several and have to scroll back to figure out what I missed!
I mainly want to comment on the bits about being collared but also being poly and having freedom to date or do various things. I think it's important to remember that in the same way that everyone does poly a little different... everyone also does kink and BDSM a little differently. There's no reason that you and Zen can't discuss what collaring means to each of you and see if there's a way to negotiate something that makes you both happy. Collaring could just be a collar for a scene or during play. A collar could just limit you to certain rules (maybe you can play with others, and even have another Dom top you but you can't formally take on another Dom as YOUR Dom). If you want him to have any say over play partners it could just mean you have to ask permission, etc.
I actually just had this conversation with Mr. Hyde because at one point we had a discussion about what if I want to date or play with other kinky people? Would he prefer to be my only Dom? etc. While he wasn't comfortable requiring it, he said he would certainly love it if he was my only Dom, so I agreed, because that didn't mean someone else couldn't top me, just that I wasn't going to actually take on seeing another Dom regularly, and I'm cool with that. BUT, I later realized that we really didn't negotiate it enough to clarify things, so recently we had a conversation about that. What does he consider acceptable for someone else topping me vs crossing into Dom territory? Is there anything he would prefer that I only do with him, seeing as he is my Dom? What's the rule about how any of this impacts my current relationship with Sudo (which saying certain things I only do with Mr. Hyde generally has not impact since Sudo isn't a Dom at all.) Mr. Hyde doesn't want to make it difficult for me to enjoy exploring and expanding my desires, etc. So his goal was not so much to control my ability to be poly, but to 1) set rules that he thought were good from a "keeping his toy safe" perspective since I'm fairly new to subbing like no face slapping, no breath play. But he also set a rule that I have to ask him when I want to play with a new partner, but made it clear that he had no intention of really controlling it or even saying no, he just enjoyed the humiliation aspect of me having to come to him to ask... so in that light we also negotiated that if I can't get a response from him in the time frame I need, then I can assume that the answer is yes. And of course, I'm welcome to re-open negotiations with him at any time if there's something I'd like to change about the rules.
So my point is.... if he's concerned about limiting your poly-ness or anything like that, that doesn't mean that he can't still be your Dom, or that you can't wear his collar in some way. Assuming you can both find something that makes you both happy! And for that matter, him accepting the role as your Dom doesn't have to mean automatic collaring either. That can be worked up to.