Gay, Bi-, Queer Polyamory

So would this make me panamourous if I consider myself pansexual and wanted to identify with the love in my heart rather than sexual preference?

oops, I just noticed the other thread, so I will move this question there.... sorry.
 
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I'm a bi guy with quite a bit more experience with men than with women--, who'd really appreciate some conversation in here which is pertinent to gay and bi guy's challenges, issues, questions relative to polyamory.

I find it rather challenging to meet poly-friendly gay and bi guys who are actually interested in a rounded sort of relationship. There seem to be a lot of guys around who want to have casual ("NSA") sex with strangers whom they seemingly hope not to see again. Makes me think that the gay "movement" hasn't been so successful in addressing the fallout of social stigma... as we'd like to think. That is, I think perhaps this wouldn't be so much the case if it weren't for the social stigma.
 
I can't say much about the gay community as I don't know much about it, but the lesbian community I find a hard nut to crack myself. There are some bridges that need building. I would love to even remotely be considered as a part of that group again.

There are poly lesbians out there, but I have found that in talking to them there is a big wall that goes up when they talk about their poly natures to their lesbian community. It seems that the stereotype of serial monogamy and a u-haul on the second date is often alive and well.
 
I've actually fallen to the level of trying Craigslist! Got my hopes up a little when a guy wanted to meet me for lunch even though I made it clear that (a) I wasn't into "sex with strangers" and that (b) I was in a committed long term relationship / was poly.

He said he'd call and arrange a time and place to meet for lunch. But he never called ... nor followed up by email. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zip.

I live in a moderate sized tourist town which is supposed to be queer-friendly. Yet we have no place to meet one another here, us queers. And really it looks to me that there are a LOT of closet cases / "down low" ..., and folks who aren't really interested in relating intimately in a rounded way or over time.

>sigh<
 
I'm a bi guy with quite a bit more experience with men than with women--, who'd really appreciate some conversation in here which is pertinent to gay and bi guy's challenges, issues, questions relative to polyamory.

I find it rather challenging to meet poly-friendly gay and bi guys who are actually interested in a rounded sort of relationship. There seem to be a lot of guys around who want to have casual ("NSA") sex with strangers whom they seemingly hope not to see again. Makes me think that the gay "movement" hasn't been so successful in addressing the fallout of social stigma... as we'd like to think. That is, I think perhaps this wouldn't be so much the case if it weren't for the social stigma.

Hi River,

I'm going out on a limb here and even propose a theory that some might call gender biased or potentially stereotypical. So be it.

From what I've seen and experienced in the male bisexual community (have no real experience in the gay comm - only via reading), sexual pleasure seems to be the primary motivator. Some variety.
I'm going to suggest that the large majority of these individuals come from the camp, which DO seem to be dominated by men, that can relatively easily separate sex and love - or any true emotional entanglement. For what are probably a long list of various reasons many of the bisexual men I know are really not particularly interested in all the entanglements and complications that a deeper relationship brings. Many already have one, and not because they are philosophically opposed to more (poly), but because they don't want to take on any additional effort beyond a good sexual time, put up a certain barrier.
Could that barrier be taken down ? I feel in many of the cases it might. But it would require time and some deep conversations and even getting a second or third meeting/conversation might be the first hurdle to overcome.
And that whole discussion could open up subjects such as guilt, homophobic concerns etc.

But I think there IS some momentum pushing this into a more normal (?) direction.

Thoughts from here anyway............

GS
 
I do believe there are more closeted gay/bi/queer men round here than out ones. So that's a big part of the dynamic, I think. We're talking internalized homophobia and social fear and stigma (This is Northern New Mexico, largely hispanic culture).

I can't believe that men are generally and naturally disinclined to form loving, affectionate bonds, whether they are gay, bi or straight. Human beings, I think, really do need these sorts of connections and bonds. But not all know that they do. And many probably try to fill the void with sex, alcohol, drugs, workaholism, etc....


I once worked with a couple of other guys trying to organize a regular potluck picnic gathering of gay / bi / queer men in a local park. It was well advertised, but only two or three folks would show up at a time! Yet there have to be thousands of us round here.
 
I can't believe that men are generally and naturally disinclined to form loving, affectionate bonds, whether they are gay, bi or straight. Human beings, I think, really do need these sorts of connections and bonds. But not all know that they do. And many probably try to fill the void with sex, alcohol, drugs, workaholism, etc....

I think we do. I just think its different. I have loving bonds (and no I would not refer to it that to be honest)...we have people over, chat, hug during tough times, celebrate success, play sports. The only thing different is the level of acceptable intimacy.

At least in my world I see this.
 
Well, obviously, straight men are going to be in some ways different than gay or bi- men with regard to the kinds of relationships they might have with men. Some straight men are much more available to deep intimacy and bonding, including non-sexual touching, with men than others. Same with bi- and gay men. The difference between gay/bi/queer guys and straight guys is primarily about sexuality.

Personally, I find sexual activity profoundly intimate, and I just don't understand "casual sex" activity which isn't about creating or celebrating closeness. But, apparently, I'm in a minority status within the "gay community" in this regard. The mainstream of American "gay culture" seems to involve a fair bit of objectification and depersonalization, thus too many same-sex encounters are quite superficial and lacking in nurturing.

Nurturing? ... Well, yeah.
 
Well, obviously, straight men are going to be in some ways different than gay or bi- men with regard to the kinds of relationships they might have with men. Some straight men are much more available to deep intimacy and bonding, including non-sexual touching, with men than others. Same with bi- and gay men. The difference between gay/bi/queer guys and straight guys is primarily about sexuality.

Personally, I find sexual activity profoundly intimate, and I just don't understand "casual sex" activity which isn't about creating or celebrating closeness. But, apparently, I'm in a minority status within the "gay community" in this regard. The mainstream of American "gay culture" seems to involve a fair bit of objectification and depersonalization, thus too many same-sex encounters are quite superficial and lacking in nurturing.

Nurturing? ... Well, yeah.

If it helps any, nerdist is probably right down the middle most of the time in terms of his sexuality. Sometimes he is into men more, sometimes women. He takes sex very seriously too in terms of emotional bonding. He is much like you in that way river. You are not alone. Perhaps you are looking in the wrong places to find men to be with? Just a thought.
 
The mainstream of American "gay culture" seems to involve a fair bit of objectification and depersonalization, thus too many same-sex encounters are quite superficial and lacking in nurturing.

Nurturing? ... Well, yeah.

I'll pipe in too and say that you're not alone... I know gay men who need an emotional bond to be able to have sex. They're out there....
 
... I know gay men who need an emotional bond to be able to have sex....

I'm capable of getting turned on by sexy men or women, and could go through the motions of sex with them without some sort of ongoing emotional bond, but this just isn't what I really want. I want sex to be one of the ways affection and closeness / intimacy is expressed and experienced. I want my heart in it, and his or hers, too. Then it's really juicy! Everything else will ultimately be disappointing for me.
 
I can't believe that men are generally and naturally disinclined to form loving, affectionate bonds, whether they are gay, bi or straight. Human beings, I think, really do need these sorts of connections and bonds. But not all know that they do. And many probably try to fill the void with sex, alcohol, drugs, workaholism, etc....

I largely agree with this River. As you say, most all humans have a deeper need for true intimacy. And I agree that in some cases you attempt to fill that void with all the things you listed.

But in the current culture especially, I think men are more comfortable just settling for an orgasm. It affects brain chemistry immediately. And in the gay/bi culture it's relatively easy to cum by. Add to that all the relationship horror stories that we've all seen & heard and it seems easy to take the no effort path even if it doesn't completely fill that void. More of that instant gratification syndrome that's so prevalent in modern culture.

I think when any party starts to open the conversation about "I'm really looking for more"....... the defensive shields trigger. Getting past those shields will develop into an art form.

GS
 
I'm not really active in the gay community so...what's the difference between queer and gay? behavior choices?
 
Question: Is there a difference in the terms "queer" and "gay/lesbian"?
Vanessa wrote in with this question. "I was wondering if there is a difference in the terms "queer" vs. gay/lesbian?"

Answer: The word queer to many is an insult that was said in a hurtful way to gays, lesbians and anyone who was different. Today, many people have reclaimed the word "queer" to be an all-encompassing term for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and genderqueer. While gaining popularity, some still find the word "queer" to be offensive. To be on the safe side, unless you know your audience and know that the word will not offend them, use gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or LGBT for short. For any formal writing or presentations, it is appropriate to spell out lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender in the first usage and shorten it to LGBT thereafter.

Quoted from: http://lesbianlife.about.com/od/lesbianactivism/f/QueerGayLesbian.htm


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Personally, I often call myself "queer" in order to distinguish myself from "gays" who have no sexual or romantic attraction to women, and because most of my "romantic" experience and inclination has been same sex -- though I'm capable of falling wildly for some women. I could as well call myself "bi," but I like the inclusivity of the term "queer," while "bi-" seems to put a lot of folks off somehow or another. It's surprizing, for example, how many folks actually think bisexuality and biamory are myths, like unicorns! We're supposed not to exist by millions. As the theory goes, all supposedly bisexual/biamorous folks are really (consciously or otherwise) trying to maintain some "heterosexual privilege" or are trying to escape some of the social stigma associated with being "gay" or "homosexual". One basic premise most of these folks hold to is that one, by nature, must be either gay or straight, hetero- or homo-. Period.

Weird!

It's funny how some "gay" people don't think I count as being one of them -- a "gay," because I'm also attracted to women. Also, some think my attraction to one or the other gender/sex must be watered down because it is distributed in this way. But let me tell you, I ain't watered down one bit!
 
thx for the clarification rpepper, you rock like hard candy as always!

I dated a gay guy once...he ended up hating me, lol. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that I don't HAVE to come out(even though i've had to, to some close people), but he did. Or something like that :/ It's sad really...I love my gay brothas!
 
....
I dated a gay guy once...he ended up hating me, lol. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that I don't HAVE to come out(even though i've had to, to some close people), but he did. Or something like that :/ It's sad really...I love my gay brothas!

Okay, I realize I'm responding late to an older post, but here goes, anyway.:

rpcrazy, while dating this guy, were you ever reluctant to tell the simple truth,
just as you'd do if you were dating a gal, instead?
 
Hey You Guys! (& gals)

And that means you, too, you lurkers!

Speak up!

Thanks!

At least ask a question if you haven't got a statement to make. Eh?
 
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