First Poly Heartbreak

indierockangel

New member
Hello, I am new here and I am really needing some advice or just some support. My husband and I have been poly for 7 months and I began dating a man in January. He and I have known each other for about 8 years and I fell head over heels pretty much instantly, but I knew he wasn't used to the idea of polyamory and I wanted to wait to tell each other we loved each other, but a few weeks in, he said it and I got caught up and forgot about wanting to wait.

He told me from day one that he didn't want to have other partners because he wanted to "give me his best" and he didn't feel like he could do that while dating someone else and it was amazing at first. He was so attentive and we spent so much time together, but after he said he l loved me, he pulled back. After 4 weeks, he practically disappeared. He went over to a friends house for a week and a half and I only heard from him once or twice a day.

I have diagnosed Major Depression and Anxiety and I screwed up my appointments and was without meds for that week and my anxiety flared up really bad. I had my husband there, but I began to fixate on my boyfriend and freak out about why he wasn't contacting me. After a week and a half, he went home and things were never really the same

He was distant, but when we were together, I felt so freaking happy. I was in love with him and everything was great, we got along so well, everything was perfect. I tried to cope with his distance when we weren't together and I tried to learn about myself and spend time with my husband, it was hard, but I was working on it.

On Monday morning, I was looking through OKC and I found his profile. I panicked because I had asked him a couple weeks ago if he was looking for someone else romantically and he said no.

I confronted him about it that afternoon and asked him to please be honest with me. He lied not once, but twice about it, insisting it had been nothing, but I didn't let up and he finally admitted he wanted to look for someone else because everything was just too awkward with me being married to a friend of his and there was nothing we could do. I told him I was willing to put in the work if he was and he told me "maybe."

I was still holding out hope until yesterday morning, I got an email that he'd messaged the OKC account I was using, which was completely blank. All he said was "hi" but it was like a punch to the throat and I am trying to figure out how to handle this heartbreak and not let it engulf my marriage and everything else.

I know this post is super long and I'm pretty sure no one is going to read it until the end, but all I really want is to hear other people's stories of their first heartbreak in the context of polyamory and proof that I'm not alone and this won't ruin my relationship with my husband who I love so much, but I can't seem to feel anything other than pain.
 
Hi indierockangel,

All he said was "hi?" That doesn't give you much information. Are you sure he was breaking up with you?

I think it is just going to take some time for you to get feeling better. With your depression and anxiety it really makes things difficult right now. Please be patient with yourself. Be patient with your feelings. With the process. Grieving is a process, and you are going through the early stages of it right now.

I'm so sorry things didn't work out with that guy. It's extra crushing when you know how good it was before it ended. You probably feel like the whole world has been pulled out from under you.

Hang in there okay?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
If you want to keep him in your life, are you comfortable with him dating others ? If so maybe if you let him know that and try to be supportive of him finding someone else (in addition to you) then maybe that would help close the distance. What are you looking for from him ? And have you communicated those things.
 
I'm sorry to hear about your heartbreak. By definition, it hurts and is going to take some time for you to recover from.

How's your husband doing, by way of helping support you during this time? He probably shouldn't be your only source of emotional support, but he can be an awesome source, assuming he's up for that. (And he's agreed to be with you for "better or worse;" one hopes he *is* up for that.

(It won't hurt to remind him that you love him very much, and you're grateful for the support he provides.)

Something that helped me, when I was going through Post Breakup Blues, was to do other things that I really enjoyed doing, things that took most of my attention so that I wasn't thinking about the breakup Every. Single. Painful. Minute. Of. The. Day. (Yes; I had days like that.) Pamper yourself - do a beach or spa day, whatever is available to you where you are. Allow yourself the space to grieve this relationship, but don't let that grief define you.

Make a list of all the things you do that make you happy. Refer to this list and pick an item from it every time you need a distraction from the pain.

Recovery takes...as long as it takes. It's okay to feel what you feel, for as long as you're feeling it.

And remember to breathe, especially when it feels like you can't. Breathing deeply triggers brain chemicals that can help shift your mood toward the positive and peaceful.

Those are my best takeaways from the heartbreaks in my own life. Which I went through *without* the support of a committed partner. I wish you the best in getting through your own.
 
I'm sorry to hear about your heartbreak. By definition, it hurts and is going to take some time for you to recover from.

How's your husband doing, by way of helping support you during this time? He probably shouldn't be your only source of emotional support, but he can be an awesome source, assuming he's up for that. (And he's agreed to be with you for "better or worse;" one hopes he *is* up for that.

(It won't hurt to remind him that you love him very much, and you're grateful for the support he provides.)

Something that helped me, when I was going through Post Breakup Blues, was to do other things that I really enjoyed doing, things that took most of my attention so that I wasn't thinking about the breakup Every. Single. Painful. Minute. Of. The. Day. (Yes; I had days like that.) Pamper yourself - do a beach or spa day, whatever is available to you where you are. Allow yourself the space to grieve this relationship, but don't let that grief define you.

Make a list of all the things you do that make you happy. Refer to this list and pick an item from it every time you need a distraction from the pain.

Recovery takes...as long as it takes. It's okay to feel what you feel, for as long as you're feeling it.

And remember to breathe, especially when it feels like you can't. Breathing deeply triggers brain chemicals that can help shift your mood toward the positive and peaceful.

Those are my best takeaways from the heartbreaks in my own life. Which I went through *without* the support of a committed partner. I wish you the best in getting through your own.

Husband has been wonderful, though he isn't my only support, thank goodness. He's been letting me process as I see fit in the moment, but sometimes I feel like he lets me too much. I know I'm responsible for my own emotions, but I have a pretty bad tendency to let negative feelings take over, and sometimes I need to be forced out of the cycle. My mom and sister are amazing at kicking me out of it, but husband worries and frets over me too much.
 
Wait - holy shit, did you say he was in touch with you once or twice a day while at his friends and that wasn't enough???? You mean everyday contact?? Every day. Sometimes TWICE a day, even. And that felt like he was pulling back? I don't understand!
 
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I began dating a man in January. He and I have known each other for about 8 years and I fell head over heels pretty much instantly, but I knew he wasn't used to the idea of polyamory and I wanted to wait to tell each other we loved each other, but a few weeks in, he said it and I got caught up and forgot about wanting to wait.

He told me from day one that he didn't want to have other partners because he wanted to "give me his best" and he didn't feel like he could do that while dating someone else and it was amazing at first. He was so attentive and we spent so much time together, but after he said he l loved me, he pulled back. After 4 weeks, he practically disappeared. He went over to a friends house for a week and a half and I only heard from him once or twice a day.

TBH? I wonder if he was love bombing you. How the heck often was he doing it before to put you in NRE la-la as fast as possible if "backing off" is texts 1-2x a day? Sheesh!

If you have never experienced love bombing maybe you were flattered by all this attention. But once you have, you see these sorts of behaviors as red flags -- someone moving in too hot and too fast with too much amazingness.

I could be wrong here. But to me it sounds like he was done grooming you, and then he started testing to see how much you will take to get "another hit" of his lavish attentions.

You didn't want to say you loved him but you sounded "swept off your feet" -- where's the hurry here? Now he knows what to do to get you to skip your own boundaries?

Then he went physically distant for 4 weeks without notice, and you worry. The comes back, he's at a friend's texting 1-2 times a day and you are euphoric. So he knows going away can push your buttons now. Push you up and bring you down.

Then he lies to you a few times... and you still stick around. Now he knows he can lie to you too.

Then he "makes you drag it out" of him about his OKC and he's all distant again. Only this time emotionally. Rather than physically. But here you go jumping through hoops to "convince" him to stay with you, that you will do all this work. After another hit.

And he's all "Maybe" rather than a plain "yes" or "no" like a decent person. Dangling the carrot.

Then he's sending you blank email. If this is too hard for him to do because he's friend's with your hubby? Why's he fishing here again? Just tell you "No, too hard" and break up nicely.

None of these... shenanigans.

Sounds kind of cat-and-mouse to me. Like he's messing with your head and testing to see what he can do next. I suspect you are in for more mind games if you continue and this isn't that much of a "friend." He doesn't sound healthy.

Tread carefully. Be ok letting him flit off elsewhere and YOU be firm. No "maybe" about it. Just plain "NO." You don't need someone who treats you like this. Could date someone else who is less drama.

Be strong if he sniffs around again. DECLINE.

all I really want is to hear other people's stories of their first heartbreak in the context of polyamory and proof that I'm not alone and this won't ruin my relationship with my husband who I love so much, but I can't seem to feel anything other than pain.

I get that you hurt a lot right now. Regular break ups do hurt. Break ups aren't fun things.

But if he was love bombing you before and this is a "love bombing break up?" It's going to hurt that much more because it went way too high, too fast, and too whirlwind.

You might feel really bad, like going through withdrawal or something. In kink lots of stimulus not landed well can lead to "sub drop." Well, if you were love bombed and way high stimulated? Then suddenly dumped?

You are gonna have a drop. Don't think it is "pining for love for him" or whatever. It is just adrenalin coming back down. You might even feel like you are getting flu.

These things might be coupled with second guessing yourself and wondering what was "really true" and what was not. Easier to label it all "mind games" and not try to pick it apart.

Focus on your self care instead and know that not all people out there are like that.

Could tell your husband what you need. Or ask your mom and sister to help you since you know they can "kick you out of it" better than he does.

Whether sunny days or stormy skies? Emotional weather does pass in time. Just have to clock the time and weather it out.

It just sucks right now because it's a fresh wound. I'm sorry. :(

You deserve better.

hugs,
Galagirl
 
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Wait - holy shit, did you say he was in touch with you once or twice a day while at his friends and that wasn't enough???? You mean everyday contact?? Every day. And that felt like he was pulling back? I don't understand!

Lol, it sound's like she want's much more than that, but if this is what she need's in her poly then it's ok.

I know this post is super long and I'm pretty sure no one is going to read it until the end, but all I really want is to hear other people's stories of their first heartbreak in the context of polyamory and proof that I'm not alone and this won't ruin my relationship with my husband who I love so much, but I can't seem to feel anything other than pain.

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I do have a good story about a girl who we (me and my wife) loved. It's long, but the ending goes like: She woke up in our bed on a wednesday, we had a really great day with her. Dropped her off at her house. Felt really good about her, felt like it was more than it was, we were with her for a few months. I didn't really get to talk on thursday to her.
On friday she had her new bf for life in her bed. Just said to me that she wasn't good with sharing. Nothing else.
BTW twist ending is the boyfriend lasted only two months.

It took a us while to figure out it was more her than a poly problem. We moved on, and found more heartbreak. We found it's the individuals that are the cause, if you were single the result's would be the same. I still identify as poly, my wife has mostly been mono, but she supports me with my friend's.
It hurt's, but remember, the pain is temporary. If your husband support's you, and you support him, don't let anything ruin your relationship with him. Poly can work, remind him of why he is with you, and you are with him. When your ready, maybe try again.
 
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