Hey you all.
This is going to be long.
It´s been a while. It has taken me some strenght and courage to come back to this post to update you all. I wanted to do it for all the help and time you gave me through this and also because I read some posts of people going through similar things with partners - not knowing when to step out, trying to believe that the partner could change because we are asking for so little...I recall reading some advices back then and thinking: "but we could work it out". I didn´t want to see we weren´t good matches.
Also, I want to share it - even though I still feel ashamed - as a process of not being so hard on myself and also not punishing me; as a process of healing and getting stronger.
Back when I last wrote here, against all your wise advices, I texted him saying we should talk. We did and I did say I was breaking up with him - as I needed this and that and wasn´t getting it. He started, as always, saying he did care, I was important, he would be there for me. I bought it and stayed, as always. I still thought I could "drag" a good partner out of him - what a good partner for me would be.
Fast forward 1 month and a half, things weren´t good. The same old issues - surprise! Yes, it is really hard being in this fog, not wanting to let go, when you should. Something bad happened, I asked if he could come over and give me a hug. It was a Monday. He said he would like to be there for me as friend, but he was still mad at me because of Friday (really?! we had argued because I wanted to meet after one week without seeing each other and it would also be the last time we could see each other without my kid being around before I´d go on a 3-week vacation. But we didn´t. ), so he didn´t really feel like comforting me. I said: "fair enough. I just think you´d do this for any friend, or even an acquaintance. You haven´t been treating me like a partner, not even a close friend, not even a friend. I want people around me whom I care for and who cares for me. I´m out of it." Per text. He replied saying the same as usual: of course he cares, I´m important, etc. But this time I just didn´t reply.
I went on vacation and was feeling good. A commom friend of ours saw me right after - even before the vacation - and said I looked happy. That´s how I was feeling: happy, light, free.
When I came back, we met at a show. I have had a few drinks and we ended up talking, he came to my place, we had sex. It was good, but I didn´t feel emotionally connected to him. I thought: "good, we can be sex buddies, that´s fine. I still like him as a person". Some weeks go by and he starts texting me a lot, being really helpful, supportive, even asking if I needed a hug when I was kind of heartbroken for a really strong NRE I was feeling (who was monogamous and just decided to go back to his girlfriend, anyways). I just felt into the same pattern as before: the texting, the wanting to see him, etc.
I´ll cut things short, as I was writing explaining it all and it was too long and it probably isn´t really relavant. If it´s hard to understand, I can give more information.
We went to a show and an interest of his (a colleague) would be there. I asked for some reassurance, which he couldn´t give me (as always), instead, he said: "i´ll do whatever I want. And if I feel that being close to you will diminish my chances of getting her, I won´t be close to you. But if I want to make a move on her, you have to deal with it". I tried to be "cool", ignore how I was feeling (almost all the time in the last year).
Things didn´t develop good at the show and after he being really agressive in talking to me, I had a massive breakdown. Like a serious breakdown. Totally out of control, where I can´t even now recognize myself or believe I did that. If you think it´s relevant and would help someone else, I can write about it, but right now I will just say it took me this, to get to the very bottom of physically hurting myself, to know that this had to stop. That I NEEDED to get out. And this means no contact at all, not seeing him, avoiding shows where I know he will be.
I´m looking at it as if I am a drug addict. Any contact now can get me back to where I was - as he doesn´t really care. It´s been almost 3 weeks. I still think of him, I still would like to be in touch, to be friends. But I know I can´t. Not now. Maybe never. I still think he was a good person, he gave me all, but I was wanting too much asking for reassurance - then I go back to: "no, he wasn´t a good partner. He just cared about himself".
Now I´m working on myself to respect my limits. To identify them, as I always do, but respect my boundaries. Not go over and over them. I still find it hard to identify "when should I stop trying?".
I´m healing. It still hurts, but I´m in a better place right now. And I know I´ll be fine.
Once again, thank you all for all your help. I really hope this helps someone going through a similar situation to let go before it gets to a point where you have a breakdown.