Coming out to Husband

cocoa

New member
Hi, I’ve been lurking for a few days and I think there are honest, thought provoking people on this forum. As my title states I want to come out to my husband, lets call him Ollie, about opening our marriage. I’ve been reading and digesting what polyamory is for about 8 months now and I want to work towards living this way. He has recently revealed a sexual detail about himself to me and it was difficult for him to do (really not a big deal to me). I have feared that revealing my poly interests to him would mean certain implosion of our marriage but his honesty with me makes me feel like it may not be so bad. At times he knows me better than I give him credit for and my poly wishes shouldn’t be a total shock. I more so think he may feel hurt and inadequate. There is no one else waiting for me and I have no intentions on pursuing anyone right now. I just need to get this off my chest with him. He is my bestfriend and knows all of my secrets but this. He is currently gone for business for a few days and I’d like to talk with him once he gets home if I don’t completely wimp out.

As far as the health of our relationship is, we are mostly doing very well. We do have a reoccurring set of feelings and conversations about how he feels he is disappointing me by not living up to some of my expectations. This generally happens once he leaves for a trip and I experience a kind of emotional let down (think lactation). These expectations deal with ambition and proactively handling things in our lives. I on the other hand feel overworked and perpetually exhausted as if I can never drop the ball on anything. We’ve recently gone through another cycle of this.

I guess I’m hoping for words of encouragement, maybe some perspective or advice from someone who started out with a closed marriage.

Should I wait for a better time? (Like once we resolve this reoccurring cycle, if ever) I think every relationship has it’s own ebb and flow of issues so will there ever really be an ideal time?

Any input is helpful :)
 
I would definitely not come out at this time or at the very least not just come out & say "I'm poly." If he's already expressing feelings of inadequacy it's not going to help that situation.

A little over a year ago my husband & I agreed to open our marriage. I found a lover. My intention was never to "catch feelings." It was supposed to be more of a fwb thing. My husband was the one who started telling me things had progressed to poly. I denied it but eventually did accept that I love Surfer as more than a friend. When I came to Cowboy with that realization it was still a hard blow for him even though he knew before I did.
 
I agree this is something you don't want to just drop on him. Take it slow. It's good that you don't have someone waiting in the wings.

Even though I have always been poly at heart, it was my wife who brought it up . That was because she had feelings of inadequacy. We had a few bumps but it worked out fine in the end. Don't get discouraged if he doesn't warm up to the idea right away.
 
I'm with Dusty. The inadequacy issue probably needs a fair amount of work before bringing this up. Otherwise, it will very likely exacerbate those feelings. In the meantime, you you might consider sneaking in the topic in other contexts, not related to you, or he specifically, in order to gauge his response. Maybe mention an article you read, or a conversation you may have had... Listen to his commentary, look at his body language. This can help you learn how to choose your words if/when you eventually reveal this about you.

Second, you will need to determine your course of action(s) regarding each eventual outcome. It's possible that he may not be on board. If that's the case, then you will need to decide if it's something you're willing to do without, or whether you must continue - which can put your future together in serious jeopardy.

Full disclosure here, I'm a mono whose wife came out to me. I can identify with the negative feelings resulting from inadequacy, insecurity, and feeling like I was "not enough". I'm not trying to scare you, but I know what can result, and what you may or may not experience as far as a reaction.

Assuming you choose to tell him, the best advice I can give, is to do everything you can to assure him that you don't have someone on the sidelines ready to join in. He will suspect that you do, and his line of reasoning will lead to questions like "How do you know, if you haven't experienced those feelings for other people yet?" Be open, honest, and listen to him. He may be quiet at first. Be patient, sometimes people need time to soak everything in. Give him space if he asks for it, remain close to him if he asks for it. He will probably ask a ton of questions. Just don't lose your cool.

Good luck.
 
When the time comes (and it sound like that's maybe not right yet), you can introduce the topic more safely for both of you by saying, as you're at the computer, "Hey, look at this. There's people on the news doing this polyamory thing. Do you think that can ever work?" (You can find a story to put on the screen here, for instance: http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/ ).

That leaves him free to express his true feelings without fearing he's stepping on an explosive. You could then just drop it, or say "I think it sounds kinda cool."

Next time you bring it up, the subject will already have been introduced.

Good luck.
 
I am sorry you struggle. There seems to be two separate conversations you want to have with him. One about chores (?) and one about poly.

As far as the health of our relationship is, we are mostly doing very well. We do have a reoccurring set of feelings and conversations about how he feels he is disappointing me by not living up to some of my expectations. This generally happens once he leaves for a trip and I experience a kind of emotional let down (think lactation). These expectations deal with ambition and proactively handling things in our lives. I on the other hand feel overworked and perpetually exhausted as if I can never drop the ball on anything. We’ve recently gone through another cycle of this.

What does this mean? That you wish he would participate more, take on more responsibility? So you have less on your plate? Or you need help in relaxing more and not being always so "on the go?" A combo?

I think you may have to change your expectations. Get help elsewhere with chores or just leave some things undone.

FWIW? My spouse knows and is totally fine about my poly inclinations. But we also go through this cycle of "plate too full, I need more help!" with me, while he's going "plate too full, I cannot possible help you" with him. So rather than fuss at each other about it, we just let some things go, and hire help with what is more crucial. He told me my expectations were unrealistic, and if I was burning out I needed to do my self care and not take on so much. Learn to let some things go. Overburdening his plate was not the solution. Learning to deal with my expectations was. And he was right. So I learned to let some things go.

There's a lawn dude to mow the lawn, and occasional house keeping help. But if in between the laundry sits around in baskets on a couch? Well, at least it is clean even if we don't make it to putting it all away in a drawer right away. One has to pick and choose.

With the poly thing?

I think you could be straight up with him. "Hey, thanks for sharing that (sexual detail thing) with me. I can see that was hard for you to do. But I am glad you did it. I like being able to share and feel close with you. So... I'd like to share something with you about me. Could you be willing to talk about it? Say on Friday at 8?"

Then he can come to the conversation at his best listening. And you can come prepared too.

When the appointment rolls around? Say it like you said it here. Something like "You are my bestfriend and know all of my stuff. So I wanted to share this with you. I think I am polyamorous. I’ve been reading and digesting what polyamory is for about 8 months now. There is nobody waiting in the wings and there isn't anyone I want to pursue. Nothing like that. I just wanted to come to terms with this new self knowledge on my own for a bit first. And once I felt more comfortable with that inside my own head, share it with you, so you can know what is going on with me in my inner life."

Don't jump the gun about wanting to live this way. (With him or not with him). Just take it slow and let him digest. Remember you have had 8 mos to begin to digest it. He has not.

See how he receives this news about you. Hopefully, it goes well and both can continue to digest it.

Galagirl
 
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To echo GalaGirl, it sounds as though you already feel significantly overextended.

It is quite rewarding to have multiple intimate relationships, but (like any other investment ;)) requires initial outlay, & that resource gap can add a lot of stresses. Even after the "dividends" start to come in, there's still glitches due to that gap, & plenty of room for anxiety attacks about long-term soundness.

Therefore, for the benefit of you both AND your relationship, I'd recommend that you approach nonmonogamy as a "nice if it eventually happens" situation, & put down solid groundwork.

I believe that polyamory has so many people from other deviant subcultures -- BDSM, swinging, Renaissance Faire, science fiction conventions, body mod -- because there's already latitude for blue-sky "what if...?" speculative thinking. If the two of you have experience with sharing fantasies or turn-ons, that's a plus... but if you don't, launching right into a discussion of poly is somewhat extreme, & you'll have to be be communicating a LOT more freely & deeply before you share those thoughts.

First, though, do what's necessary to "groom" your marriage. Fix your finances, straighten out your schedule, attend therapy sessions, whatever. If idly thinking about polyamory calms you down or builds you up, that's great, but you can easily start to put too-serious thought into it & that WILL only add to your psychic stress.
 
You have all given great inputs and clarity about what to do next that I honestly couldn’t see on my own. I really don’t want to drop a bomb on him so I will take it slow; one step at a time. I realize in reading your responses that I need to stop initiating what eventually evolves into him feeling like he’s letting me down. I need to work on being ok with him not always operating on my level/frequency (not bad, just different than I). I think my constant analyzing of him and therefore need of progress only drives him into feelings of inadequacy. It kind of kills me to know I’ve most likely been the cause of this.

@GalaGirl, yes I get too much on my plate from him not taking on enough responsibility. We have recently talked about getting our lawn guy back and cutting out the extra things we have going on that are doing more harm than good. Once we get a better balance of day to day things and a handle on the inadequacy thing I really like the idea of setting an appointment so he can prepare himself.

I also like the idea of casually bringing it up once things are stable and letting him spontaneously voice his opinion on it.

The subject of outer-martial activities has come up before between us. A co-worker of his is a known swinger and Ollie has told me about his co-workers open invitation to us, and I didn’t sense negative feedback from him, but he also didn’t seem enthusiastic about getting involved either. At the time I hadn’t really come to an awareness of myself so I responded saying it was interesting. I’m fairly certain swinging wouldn’t be my cup of tea but during that brief conversation neither of us completely dismissed it.

Thank you all for your candor and insight, I feel so much better about approaching this.
 
Hi cocoa,

Taking it in gradual steps is probably a good idea; also don't think you messed up if it takes a long time for Ollie to warm up to the idea of poly. It can easily take at least a year. I don't say this to discourage you, just to let you know ahead of time that you'll need patience, with him, with yourself, and with the process.

Will there ever really be an ideal time? I don't think so, although there are things you can do to prepare, as has been discussed in this thread.

Good luck; let us know how it goes!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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