Negotiating Open with Someone Waiting in the Wings

I get annoyed by his refusal to talk about compromises including polyamory, and then throwing out passive aggressive barbs often like, "When you go to school, just don't fuck anybody else." My ex husband was like this. He knew I was poly at heart. He was always trying to control my sexuality. It's part of the patriarchy, men controlling the sexuality of "their" women. They are so affronted at the idea they don't own you, that they can't wrap their brains around any other kind of scenario, where you have more freedom and rights as an individual.
They? Seriously? There are plenty of men who are fine with their female partners seeing other men. What he exhibits is more mono related than sexism. Women are prone to doing the same thing if they are mono and their partner decides they are poly.
 
GalaGirl said:
You tell him when YOU choose to be home, and let him deal with his own feelings about it.

Tinwen said:
Hard to judge from the internet, but to me it sounds like he is staying stuck. In analogy to the "curfew", does this feel like he tries to hold his own hurt in check by controlling you?
It does feel like he is clinging to some semblance of control. However, the other night I took everyone's suggestions and set my own time to be home by. He did not express any hurt or offense, and I kept my promise to him. I was even home a bit early.

I realize now how staying out past a time set by him was reactionary and passive aggressive for both of us, even if that wasn't my intention.

The advice continues to be excellent, & largely in accord. (Though I've got to point out that the passive aggression goes both ways, such as making agreements -- however one-sided -- then "accidentally" breaking them.)

But going back & reading from the first post, I remain of the opinion that there's likely no polyamory here.

Beginning from the thread's very title, there are regular hints of "jumping to the next One True Love" rather than "opening my life to more than one." I know a woman who only claims to be polyamorous when she's getting ready to dump a boyfriend & move along -- hence my reference to the Wing-Walker's Rule.

This situation doesn't look so dissimilar.

And I'm not entirely comfortable seeing polyamory as "a compromise" especially to bolster a deeply flawed relationship &/or a person's self-image of being "fair" or "reasonable" or "compassionate."

Which of the characters in this set-piece has actually learned something, or grown? The OP is two months into milking the NRE thing, the object of her affections is getting results from love bombing her, & -- now that college looms large -- the Old Dude still wants to shorten a leash that was already far too short.

Adding more people IS NOT a "fix" for a failing relationship.

I appreciate your insight, although you seem frustrated in your tone.

I would like to briefly point out that I never claimed to be polyamorous. When I originally posted I had convinced myself I was interested and open to new sexual connections, but I realize now that I would prefer emotional connections to be the focus along with sex. I am open and interested in having multiple loving relationships simultaneously.

The comment about "jumping to the next One True Love" feels, to be honest, a bit insulting. I've never been a believer in soul mates, and have always known that there are hundreds of thousands of people who I have the potential of forming strong bonds and connections with romantically.

It wasn't until the makeout incident that I understood these connections could still be formed while in a long term, reasonably stable relationship. That's not to say that my connection with Party Guy is anything more than basic sexual attraction, I'm only saying the potential is there with him and other people.

Party Guy was a catalyst. I realize I'm still playing with the fire he helped start, but this is not about my friendship with him. This is about a realization that I do not know myself as well as I thought I did, and that I was incredibly naive when it came to sexuality and monogamy.

Mutual flirtation is not love-bombing. To imply that my own soul-searching and insatiable demand for understanding has not led to growth or knowledge is absurd.

I am not trying to fix my relationship by introducing other people. This relationship was relatively stable before any of this happened, but the discussion about opening up revealed cracks (which exist in nearly all relationships to some extent). I am trying to work around my interest in opening up to give Partner time to heal and process his emotions, and to allow us time and energy to work on our relationship (which is helping!).

Partner is monogamous, and I may not be. I'm doing my best to salvage what to me is a very important connection to a person I love without compromising my own wants and needs.

vinsanity0 said:
Magdlyn said:
It's part of the patriarchy, men controlling the sexuality of "their" women. They are so affronted at the idea they don't own you, that they can't wrap their brains around any other kind of scenario, where you have more freedom and rights as an individual.
They? Seriously? There are plenty of men who are fine with their female partners seeing other men. What he exhibits is more mono related than sexism. Women are prone to doing the same thing if they are mono and their partner decides they are poly.
I have to agree with vin. Partner isn't perfect, he has gender biases like most cis hetero people (myself included!), but I wouldn't play the sexist card here. From the beginning he has stated "You do what you want, but you'll have to deal with the consequences".

Reactions such as setting a time for me to be back and tossing out passive aggressive language are defensive because he is afraid of losing the relationship. He may cling to control on occasion, but it is not wishing control over me, it is an attempt to control the situation. He feels powerless. I don't blame him for feeling that way at all.

I love this man. We have our issues, and the relationship has never been perfect. But I feel that some people are bringing their own experience biases to this situation that may not be accurate. So, I have to try. I've set a timeline. I'll probably be too busy over the next year to actively pursue poly anyway. If things change by the end of that year, great! If not, well, letting go will be easier once we're both living apart anyway.
 
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