New and no idea what I'm doing!

Meg981

New member
My wife and I decided a month ago that an open relationship would work for us. She wants to date guys and I want to date other women. I started dating a woman maybe two weeks ago who is okay with my situation. However, she requires a lot of attention and affirmation. How am I supposed to balance these two relationships? My wife gets upset because she thinks I spend too much time with my GF and vice versa.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
 
Hey there,

Is your new girlfriend also polyamorous? Is she currently dating others as well as you? To some extent, it's normal to get a bit caught up in a new person and to want to spend lots of time getting to know them and exploring your connection, but the thing is, you are not single. You have an existing commitment to your wife, and your new partner needs to be understanding of that. It's your job as the hinge-person to find the balance. Dating when already in a relationship is really quite different (at least in my experience) to dating when single. You can't let yourself get too carried away. Factor in that you and your wife (and possibly your girlfriend) are also extremely new to this, and you have even more reason to take things slowly and keep everyone's expectations low.

The first thing you need to know is why you and your wife want to open your relationship. Obviously some aspects of non-monogamy appeal to you, and obviously you guys must have talked this through with each other and made that decision together, but it's good to be really clear. Are you both seeking the same kind of experience? Are you both going into this for your own reasons? Are you both equally keen to do this, or is one of you more 'meh' then 'yay'? It's okay if your motivations are different, but you need to understand your wife's reasons as much as your own. If it's to make up for something lacking between you and her, then it's best to work on that before adding others into the mix. If it's about sexual variety for one of you, and about forming romantic connections for the other, then you need to be mindful that those things are different and each of you will take a different path to adjusting to your partner striking out with a new person. If you and your wife are in conflict about what kind of open relationship you want to practise, this is something to resolve immediately. Opening up when already in an existing relationship is harder because you both need to be on the same page about this from the get-go.

For me, I find it much easier when my partner is just developing a sexual friendship type bond with someone than when she's all caught up in the romance. In the former case, I find it easier to be happy for her. In the latter case, I find it easier to feel insecure and like my place in her life is in doubt. I am a firm believer in the fact that you cannot control when you feel love and when you don't though, so I would never try to say to my partner that she can only have relationships of a certain type. However, knowing my own responses and feelings and insecurities can certainly help us BOTH to work together to get through difficult periods. If your wife is similar, then what she needs is for you to be confident and reassuring of your love and commitment - and you can only do this if you know how she feels, and she knows in a sense, what would make her feel better and can ask for it. It sounds like she's telling you that she's missing your presence in her life. If you guys haven't been having much quality date-time together, then carve some out. Show her that you want to date her just like the new girlfriend. Don't just assume that because she has the ring on her finger and gets to wake up next to you that her place in your life is secure.

As for your girlfriend, you need to be realistic about what you can and cannot offer her at this stage. On this forum you'll hear many different examples about how people organise their relationships. Some people practise solo-polyamory, and don't live with their partners. Some people have one 'primary' relationship within which to form long-term life entanglements, and then one or more other relationships that are not as closely tied together. Some people desire equal partnerships all around, and are prepared to either share one home and create a family unit with all their lovers, or split their time across multiple households in order to make things work. Your girlfriend needs to know what kind of open relationship you want. Note: this is why it's important that you and wife are in agreement and wanting the same thing. You need to be able to look girlfriend in the eye and tell her that this is what YOU want, not this is what my wife insists on. As the hinge, don't be coming at discussions with your girlfriend from the standpoint of 'I'd love to see you but wife is feeling down today, maybe next week'. It should be 'I'd like to give wife some support so this week doesn't work for me, maybe next week.' Or better yet, simply 'I've got a lot on this week, next week is better'. That being said, once you have fixed a date with girlfriend, *don't* just cancel it at the last minute if wife is feeling rough. Plan it in advance with wife, and make sure you have her support *before* arranging a date. That way she has time to prepare mentally, ask for any before- or after-care that she needs, and you are not messing girlfriend around.

It's not easy being in your girlfriend's shoes, especially if she's not actually polyamorous herself. All relationships start off insecure and jittery, and given that managing multiple relationships is new to you, I'm not surprised she's also feeling a bit insecure and possessive of your time. It's up to you to set the boundaries though. I think it takes a lot of self-awareness and confidence to feel an intense emotion like love and just let go and feel it when you don't have a clear road-map laid out. If she's coming at this off the back of mostly monogamous experiences, that might be daunting, and if the type of open relationship you and your wife have agreed on is not one where she could reasonably expect to become your life partner/co-primary, it may not actually be something she even wants. At some point, you have to consider whether you can actually offer her what she wants. Personally I would not date someone who identified as monogamous, or who lacked (but yearned for) a primary partner of their own, as I know that I couldn't offer them that.

You don't say how often you have been seeing your girlfriend, and in any case, there's no 'one-size-fits-all' number of times per week/month that is excessive or not enough - there is only what works for each group of individuals. I think it's worth investigating with wife what her expectations are. Find out how much time she needs to spend with you to feel connected. Would it help if more of that time was 'quality time' vs 'spending time in the same house time'? Would having more intimate time with you, either before or after a date, help her? Would she rather have some space? Keep the conversation focused on you and her and your shared relationship, not your girlfriend. There is a huge difference between 'I only want you to see her once a week' and 'I'd like some quality time with you at least six times a week'. The first is a mandate, that doesn't get to the root of the issue (wanting to see you more) and the second is a useful guide that allows room for compromise. Perhaps you can spend time with her AND girlfriend doing something fun, and that would count as quality time for both. Or perhaps you can make sure wife gets some attention in the early evening before you go out and see girlfriend.

Don't be surprised (or angry) if you find that when wife gets a regular partner of her own to date, a lot of this goes away. Speaking personally, having a lover of my own and realising that it didn't change the way I felt about my partner did more to click things into place than any amount of talking and reassuring that I received in the run up. Sometimes that's just the way these things work. Be patient, have compassion for both of them (and yourself), and just do your best. It's all anyone can ask of you at the end of the day.
 
Thanks for all the insight! That was very helpful. My girlfriend is not currently poly and doesn't love the fact of sharing me, but she is very willing to work something out so the three of us are happy.
The girlfriend is pretty needy and insecure right now, so I currently feel like a lot of my time is dedicated to making her feel secure and wanted.
My wife is just dating around, she has yet to find someone who meets her needs, so our situations differ. I'm committed to my girlfriend, and I think my wife is having a tough time getting why my girlfriend gets a lot of my attention.
Hopefully the three of us can sort through this. There is no playbook to follow so I really have no idea what or how to do any of this. I'm currently feeling quite stressed and pulled in many directions.
Thanks again for the great reply!
 
To be honest, I have a tough time figuring out why you are already 'committed' to her - you have only been dating two weeks! Things should be at the light and fun stage, not all angsty, insecure, and needy from the get go. Beware of over-stretching yourself. It already sounds like you are feeling the pinch. I think one of the best things you can do to support girlfriend is to encourage her to read up on polyamory so she can better decide if this lifestyle is for her. One of the hard truths of poly is that you need to be a little more independent and self-reliant, ESPECIALLY if you are in the position your girlfriend is. This might not be the right relationship configuration for her; no matter how strongly you both feel about each other, sometimes it just doesn't work out because you need different things.

Before my current relationship, I was the secondary to a woman I fell madly in love with. It didn't work out so well because I was ready to settle down with someone, and that slot in her life was filled. We stuck it out for four years, and although by the end she was ready to throw away her relationship of over 15 years to try to accommodate me (she loved me deeply too - I always knew that), it was too little too late. You can't spend 4 years guarding your heart and telling yourself not to mentally go there with a person, and then turn it all around at the last moment. I had already moved on. Her long-term relationship imploded anyway as she realised she was much more attracted to women than men, but I don't think the stress of trying to juggle two sets of conflicting wants - his and mine - helped in that regard. Be careful you don't get torn in two, as she was.
 
Thanks so much for the great feedback.
You're right, the girlfriend and I got hot and heavy very quickly. But, I would like to try to maybe dial things back a bit and make this work. I do enjoy our time together and we have great chemistry.
We both very aware that this is only temporary, as her and I both will be moving in the up coming year or so.
This is very much a learning experience for us all. And I don't want to see anyone get hurt.
With lots of open communication, we should be able to smooth things out.
Again, I appreciate all of your feedback.
 
Hi Meg981,

It sounds like you are the rope in a game of tug of war, with your wife pulling one way and your girlfriend pulling the other way. It's hard to accomodate both sides, unless you have more time to give. Or if some of the time you're already giving can be turned into quality time. If you're already doing these things, then all you're left with is both partners being unhappy, or one happy and one very unhappy, or a breakup with one of the two (or both).

I guess my suggestion is to take some time and see how it plays out. Try to increase the quantity and quality of your communication with both partners. Keep us updated here as well, as we may think of more advice for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
My girlfriend ... is very willing to work something out so the three of us are happy.
No. She is not doing so, therefore I really seriously doubt she will be ABLE to do so, ESPECIALLY if you let her run things.

If you let her have her way, your wife will be relegated to secondary status (at best), & likely soon.

If you "lay down the law," your gf will (at best) pack down her feelings, sabotage, drive you nuts, & eventually the whole mess WILL explode -- read up on gunnysacking.

So, here we are at The Third Option. Tell your gf what YOU want, what YOU need, & ask her to work WITH you AND your wife to give this some small chance at feasibility.

Expect your gf to kick up crap about this... but also give her some time to live with a well-considered (on your part) plan, AND to realize that she has a big say (perhaps equal) in crafting the final form.

It's possible that she will rspond by demanding even MORE of you than previously. This ought to be a HUGE billboard for you -- if it's where you're heading, as in dumping not only your wife but all this "poly" nonsense, then there ya go... but if it's not, & any Adult/Adult discussion is parried for months, then accept your error, apologize properly, & cut off all ties with your gf, because it's NOT going to get prettier.
 
Thanks for all the insight! That was very helpful. My girlfriend is not currently poly and doesn't love the fact of sharing me, but she is very willing to work something out so the three of us are happy.
The girlfriend is pretty needy and insecure right now, so I currently feel like a lot of my time is dedicated to making her feel secure and wanted.
My wife is just dating around, she has yet to find someone who meets her needs, so our situations differ. I'm committed to my girlfriend, and I think my wife is having a tough time getting why my girlfriend gets a lot of my attention.
Hopefully the three of us can sort through this. There is no playbook to follow so I really have no idea what or how to do any of this. I'm currently feeling quite stressed and pulled in many directions.
Thanks again for the great reply!

There are several playbooks, actually. Beside the members here (who may be newbies like you, or with years or decades of experience [like me]), there is a website called morethantwo.com. Also a book of the same name. And another book called Opening Up. Good idea to go and read everything you can!
 
Thanks for all the insight! That was very helpful. My girlfriend is not currently poly and doesn't love the fact of sharing me,

Why would you choose someone who isn't happy with sharing a married person as your first lover in the polyamory world? You've just tripled your trouble.

but she is very willing to work something out so the three of us are happy.
The girlfriend is pretty needy and insecure right now, so I currently feel like a lot of my time is dedicated to making her feel secure and wanted.

Ugh, that sound terrible. And you can't "make" an insecure person feel secure. They are going to have to make that come from within.

My wife is just dating around, she has yet to find someone who meets her needs, so our situations differ. I'm committed to my girlfriend, and I think my wife is having a tough time getting why my girlfriend gets a lot of my attention.

I also question why and how you can be "committed" after 2 weeks. Spending so much time with new shiny girl that your wife is feeling neglected? Aren't you committed to your wife as well? Don't get so caught up in your infatuation you fuck up your marriage. Set up a schedule, so each woman gets quality time. Don't overdo the texting/Skyping with new girl either! There is a lot about having a "secondary" on the morethantwo website.

https://www.morethantwo.com/primarysecondary.html

You are now the hinge in a V. It's a serious responsibility. You hold two hearts in your hands. You must balance carefully.
 
Just because someone wants your time and attention, whether it's because they are needy and insecure or have lots of time on their hands, does not automatically mean you have to give it to them. Their expectations are not yours to fulfill. You have a life, you have a schedule, and so do they. Fit her in when you can. If she doesn't like it or her needs aren't being met, she can walk. It doesn't matter whether this is polyamory or monogamy - everyone has shit to deal with and even single people can't be glued to the hip of someone they're dating.

Seems rather silly to call this woman your girlfriend and worry about her insecurities at this early stage, though. Two weeks, WTH? Hello, come back down to earth!

Her insecurities are your girlfriend's own responsibility to examine and fix by doing the inner work necessary. No one else can do it for her, so stop trying.
 
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.... I don't want to see anyone get hurt.

Almost everyone says this and it's really not as noble or helpful a mindset to have as you might think. Of course, you want to be sensitive and caring with others (which it sounds like you are) but you can never spare anyone else her experience or her feelings and by trying to, you actually show little faith in your GF's ability to conduct her own life. Let your GF (in your mind) be an autonomous, capable adult. Let your wife be an autonomous, capable adult. While emotionally close to you, these two women still are the masters of their own lives and it will only serve them (and you) to let them make their own choices and look after their own emotional well being. Your worry about "hurting anyone" really cannot spare anyone from feeling hurt and it just clouds the relationships. You'll actually be a much more emotionally available partner to them by respectfully allowing the women in your life to be separate and capable of finding their own emotional stability.
 
And I don't want to see anyone get hurt.

Having been the hinge of a V and failed (the first time), I know where you are coming from. But, as odd as it seems, "not wanting to see anyone get hurt" is what creates the problem.

In my first serious experience as the hinge of V, I wanted to make everyone happy! It didn't work and everyone ended up unhappy. I became the center in a tug of war.

So, the next time around, my focus was first on myself. What do I want? What are my priorities? Knowing what you want makes everything much easier to communicate. You can only take responsibility for yourself.

As others have pointed out, this doesn't mean being a dick or selfish. We all can be sensitive. But the discussion is between you and one other person. No third party is involved.

Dean
 
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