New to poly, need advice

nate

New member
Hi all, I've been with my current partner for 9 years, married for 5 and have recently opened up about being polyamorous after trying to ignore it in myself.
The main catalyst for this is there is a women I work with, Jane, who I have strong feelings for and I think may be interested in me, but I realised that my feelings for her didn't change my feelings for my wife, Betty.
Me and Betty discussed it and she's ok with it and she's happy for me to explore things with Jane, but now I'm not sure how I should go about bringing it up with Jane, or if it's a good idea or not as we work together.
I get the impression Jane is pretty open minded and wouldn't freak out, even if it turned out she wasn't interested but I'm not sure.
Any thoughts/suggestions?
 
Welcome. The only advice I can give you is to read my blog on life stories. We just lived through this. And it was ( and still is) an absolute cluster. Good luck.
 
I would avoid people I am (or who my partner is) connected to professionally. There are many other people out there to date.
 
I would avoid people I am (or who my partner is) connected to professionally. There are many other people out there to date.

That's pretty much my thought as well. There are just way too many ways in which that can blow up in your face, starting with being involuntarily "outed" at work, which in a lot of places can cost you your job.

There are other awesome people out there whom you may have a connection with, but with whom you don't have that same potential for catastrophe. You've taken the first big step, which is getting good discussion happening with your wife.
 
Don't get yourself into a mess that could effect your lively hood.
 
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Thanks for all your feedback, and yeah I agree it's not the best of ideas and is the main thing holding me back, especially since we work in the same team.
I guess I've got to decide if Jane is worth the risk, and if not then make my peace with it and move on.
 
Yeah, avoiding dating people at work is not a poly thing - it's true if you are single and monogamous. But being poly or in an open relationship carries with it an extra level of risk if you are not comfortable with being outed. Especially if you don't know if Jane is poly then, mostly likely, odds are the she is not.

As with any sales, finding someone new who is interested involves more work on your part than the "bird in the hand" but you'll be much happier in the long run putting in the effort to look elsewhere.
 
I just have to say that if I had a policy of never dating anyone from my workplace, I never would have had any kind of love life. In my lifetime, I have had many relationships with men I met at work -- both co-workers and bosses -- and none of it ever turned out badly with regard to my any of those jobs, even after break-ups. Admittedly, none of them were poly situations, but some were cheating situations with married men or instances where dating my boss would've gotten us both in trouble -- and nobody else I worked with ever knew or even guessed what was going on. I think the key is being a good judge of what kind of person your object of affection is and also being great at keeping secrets. I guess because I have a background from my childhood of hiding the circumstances of my home life very well, I always know how to act like nothing is going on. So, OP, I just wanted you to know that not everyone is going to jump on the "don't date anyone from work" bandwagon. I think every situation is different and it's a matter of assessing it well.
 
My first (and last) triad involved someone who worked with me. That was twenty something years ago. It got very messy for me when my live-in girlfriend got very jealous that work girlfriend and I spent lots of time together. After that fell apart I swore off work relationships altogether.
 
Many companies have fraternization or code of conduct rules in place for employees. In at will states you don't want to give your employer any reason to fire you. I lost a job over needing shoulder surgery last year. Was never anything but a stellar employee.
 
Hi nate.

Snowbunny has been my partner since 2006, and when we first expressed interest in each other we were coworkers in a Lutheran church. Sometimes I think it's a matter of whether you can be discreet.

With Jane, perhaps the place to start is to invite her to share a cup of coffee with you. If she is interested in you, I should think she'd say yes.

Just my 2¢,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for all the advice.

I think I'm going to try and spend a bit more time with her during work hours and try and assess if this is something she may be interested in and then invite her out to coffee one time outside of work.

As you say if she's not interested it will probably be a firm no!!!
 
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