Mya, kdt, AutumnLeaves, Magdlyn, MeeraReed,
Thank you. It's been awful. I glossed over some stuff that I should have paid more attention to. I was hopeful. There were a lot of really good times which are now tainted. That may not always be so but it's true now.
I’m sad and disappointed. People have truly revealed who they are.
Oak, Willow and I went to a sex party a week or two ago. I had not had sex with either of them since New Year’s. One of us was sick. Oak was working long hours. So I’m thinking that the sex party will mean that I could play/have sex with one or both of them. Turns out, Willow was dealing with a meds change which lowered her mood considerably. Oak was all about interacting with new people. I asked both for sex, play or touch and got turned down (Willow) or put off and then ignored (Oak). It was a shitty time.
On the way home, I told them I wasn’t going to go to sex parties with them anymore. I heard nothing from them even though they knew I was upset. I texted them to ask when we could talk. We eventually talked on Valentine’s Day. It was really unsatisfying. I wasn’t able to get out how hurt I was by their behavior at the party. There was no discussion of emotional issues. We agreed to talk once a month and that they would look at communication resources I sent them.
A few days go by and I ask them – again – when we could talk. After scheduling issues, we finally talk again Sunday the 18th. They tell me that they’ve broken up. And they are breaking up with me too. I knew they were having problems. Oak would occasionally call me to talk about their issues. (Willow never did.) Still I was really surprised.
Initially I felt relief. They were not good communicators. I had to bring up any issues – they would never bring up something on their own. It was going to be a lot of work for them to get better at communicating. And what really bothered me about the party was the lack of care or consideration towards me. I was going to ask them to think about what I may want or like. Now I didn’t have to do any of that work.
Then I got angry. It wasn’t ok how they treated me and of course no one likes being dumped. I didn’t sleep Sunday night.
Early Monday morning, I checked Fetlife. They’ve removed their connections to each other. Willow changed her sexual orientation to ‘straight’ from heteroflexible.
Gut punch.
I felt like everything was a lie, that none of it had been real for her, that I didn’t matter. And not just wasted but totally rejected. Nowadays, I use pansexual. But I identified as a lesbian for decades. I felt like every lesbian woman who had gotten involved with a woman and wasn’t just rejected but treated like the relationship didn’t exist, didn’t matter, and wasn’t important.
I spent Monday in a rage.
Willow called me Monday evening. I almost didn’t answer. She wanted to tell me why she broke up with me. Basically, she found me attractive, emotionally connected with me, and considered me a partner, but she just isn’t into vagina.
I knew she was exploring and that did not bother me. Our physical sexual connection was never strong. I figured out a while ago that she wasn’t physically into me. She’s relatively inexperienced in both sex and relationships so I wanted to create space for her to explore and figure things out. So it wasn’t exactly news to me that she had realized she just isn’t bi or even heteroflexible.
It hurts. But I’m really glad to know it was real, that she felt connected to me too. She didn't want to be with me in the way I wanted but it wasn’t a lie. That really helps. I’m not raging about that anymore.
We cleared the air quite a bit. I told her how incredibly painful it was to read her sexual orientation change. She apologized and said she should have talked to me first before changing it. We talked about the shit show sex party. (She also had a bad time.) She told me why she broke up with Oak. That wasn’t related to me at all but I was curious. Basically, he stopping showing her care or concern in big and small ways. It wasn’t healthy for her to stay in the relationship. I told her about how I regretted not bringing up my perception of her physical connection with me before. I doubt it would have changed anything but we were spending a lot of time not talking about things. It would have been cleaner and emotionally healthier. I let her know I wished she had given me a heads up about her and Oak’s issues.
I told her how frustrating it was that I was the one who had to bring up issues of any kind. Neither of them would initiate talking about concerns. That was so exhausting for me. Eventually I stopped bringing up stuff because I was so worn out from the effort to figure out my emotions, what I wanted and needed, and then generate the time, energy and attention to bring it up with them. And often, they would just sit and agree with me if I did bring up something. It was mostly me bringing up stuff, them agreeing that it was a problem and finding a solution. I appreciated that they would change if I had a concern. But it wore me out.
It was a hard conversation with Willow but a necessary one. I am doing the 40 days no contact with a former partner after a break up. I find it really helpful to reset myself, begin processing and work through my initial reactions and feelings. She understood. She really wants to be friends going forward. I need some time and space but I think we will be friends.
I also talked with Oak Monday night. I won’t be friends with Oak anymore. I’m not doing the 40 days thing with him. He is not going to be in my life.
I understood why Willow broke up with me. But I didn’t understand why Oak broke up with me. He initially framed as all about Willow deciding she was truly straight until I called him on it and asked him what his reason was. He finally told me he wasn’t interested in a separate sexual relationship.
That hurts. I wasn’t sure if I would have dated Oak alone but I was willing to consider it. At first, I was ‘ok’ with him not wanting a separate relationship with me. We all have preferences, right? But the more I think about it, the more disturbed I get. Except for being a third in sex, I was never of interest to him. I feel deeply stupid I did not fully figure that out a long time ago. He treated me well and I thought he cared about me. But he didn’t, not as an actual human being. I don’t feel used by Willow. I do feel used by Oak. And it’s mortifying to think I was so deluded as to ever think otherwise. Willow didn’t want to fuck me but I am a person to her. Oak enjoyed fucking me but I wasn’t a person to him. I was a means to an end.
We also talked about my frustration about always having to be the one to bring up issues or concerns. He thought it was totally fine, that it was just how he is. I told him that wasn’t healthy and he should never do that again. I told him it was like rolling a boulder up a hill with no help from him or Willow. I was clearly angry at him. He acted like it was my problem alone. That made me mad, that he believes he has no responsibility or choices in the matter.
I told him I wished he had told me he wasn't interested before now. He said he had told me that in December. I told him I didn’t remember that conversation at all. Like anything at all. I have no memory of it.
He started insisting he had told me he wasn’t interested in me and that I didn’t hear it because it wasn’t the answer I wanted. I started wondering if he had told me and I missed it or misunderstood him. Suddenly, I said mentally to myself out of the blue ‘He’s gas lighting me!’
This conversation never happened. He never told me out loud, in words, that he was never going to be interested in me separately until Monday, February 19th. If he had said something even close to that, I would have processed it. I would have thought about what I wanted. I would talked it over with my friends. I’m not great at reading body language but if someone tells me they are not interested in me, I will hear that.
This is unforgivable. I may not have remained friends with Oak but I decided in the moment I realized what he was doing, that he was out of my life forever. I’ve never been gas lighted. I’ve been lied to by pathological liars but no one has ever tried to make me doubt my own reality before. Lying is awful. But trying to make someone else doubt their reality, their memory, their truth, is evil.
I am still angry. I am also really sad. I never ever thought he would do something like this. I am just so disappointed in him. I expected better. I thought he was capable of better.