Not Dead Yet!

I hope everyone's health improves and you get back that New Year's joy!

Winter is hard. Lots of people get sick and/or depressed. Spring is coming!
 
Hi Opal,
I hear you on the "not being anyone's priority."
I have no particular answer to that problem, but I often feel the same. I make time and put in energy only to be met with "blah." Internet hugs.
A
 
Atlantis,

Thank you. Yeah, it full on sucks. I wish I knew of a way to not care about that aspect but I have no idea how to do that.
 
Fml

Oak and Willow broke up. They also broke up with me.

I am so ashamed I wasted so much time on people who didn’t care all that much about me. I spent so much time and energy trying to make those relationships into something real. And it just never really was.

I knew that and ignored it, trying to be hopeful.

What a fucking waste of my life.
 
I'm so sorry to hear that =(
 
That sucks ass, Opalescent. :(:(:( I'm really sorry to read this!

I reread your posts going back a few months and didn't see any indication they didn't care about you, or that they were having issues between them. You were going to workshops with Willow, you slept over NYE, you had an omelet and sex with Oak, etc., etc.

Wow.

Maybe there were issues that were too painful to write about.
 
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I'm so sorry, Opal. I think you are awesome!

Maybe either Willow or Oak individually will want to see you again later? Sometimes poly breakups happen like dominoes, one causing the other if the relationships were strongly interconnected, and sometimes an individual relationship can re-emerge once the dust settles.

But maybe you wouldn't want to see either of them again. It sounds like they have each really hurt you a lot.

I'm so sorry. This really sucks.
 
Mya, kdt, AutumnLeaves, Magdlyn, MeeraReed,

Thank you. It's been awful. I glossed over some stuff that I should have paid more attention to. I was hopeful. There were a lot of really good times which are now tainted. That may not always be so but it's true now.

I’m sad and disappointed. People have truly revealed who they are.

Oak, Willow and I went to a sex party a week or two ago. I had not had sex with either of them since New Year’s. One of us was sick. Oak was working long hours. So I’m thinking that the sex party will mean that I could play/have sex with one or both of them. Turns out, Willow was dealing with a meds change which lowered her mood considerably. Oak was all about interacting with new people. I asked both for sex, play or touch and got turned down (Willow) or put off and then ignored (Oak). It was a shitty time.

On the way home, I told them I wasn’t going to go to sex parties with them anymore. I heard nothing from them even though they knew I was upset. I texted them to ask when we could talk. We eventually talked on Valentine’s Day. It was really unsatisfying. I wasn’t able to get out how hurt I was by their behavior at the party. There was no discussion of emotional issues. We agreed to talk once a month and that they would look at communication resources I sent them.

A few days go by and I ask them – again – when we could talk. After scheduling issues, we finally talk again Sunday the 18th. They tell me that they’ve broken up. And they are breaking up with me too. I knew they were having problems. Oak would occasionally call me to talk about their issues. (Willow never did.) Still I was really surprised.

Initially I felt relief. They were not good communicators. I had to bring up any issues – they would never bring up something on their own. It was going to be a lot of work for them to get better at communicating. And what really bothered me about the party was the lack of care or consideration towards me. I was going to ask them to think about what I may want or like. Now I didn’t have to do any of that work.

Then I got angry. It wasn’t ok how they treated me and of course no one likes being dumped. I didn’t sleep Sunday night.

Early Monday morning, I checked Fetlife. They’ve removed their connections to each other. Willow changed her sexual orientation to ‘straight’ from heteroflexible.

Gut punch.

I felt like everything was a lie, that none of it had been real for her, that I didn’t matter. And not just wasted but totally rejected. Nowadays, I use pansexual. But I identified as a lesbian for decades. I felt like every lesbian woman who had gotten involved with a woman and wasn’t just rejected but treated like the relationship didn’t exist, didn’t matter, and wasn’t important.

I spent Monday in a rage.

Willow called me Monday evening. I almost didn’t answer. She wanted to tell me why she broke up with me. Basically, she found me attractive, emotionally connected with me, and considered me a partner, but she just isn’t into vagina.

I knew she was exploring and that did not bother me. Our physical sexual connection was never strong. I figured out a while ago that she wasn’t physically into me. She’s relatively inexperienced in both sex and relationships so I wanted to create space for her to explore and figure things out. So it wasn’t exactly news to me that she had realized she just isn’t bi or even heteroflexible.

It hurts. But I’m really glad to know it was real, that she felt connected to me too. She didn't want to be with me in the way I wanted but it wasn’t a lie. That really helps. I’m not raging about that anymore.

We cleared the air quite a bit. I told her how incredibly painful it was to read her sexual orientation change. She apologized and said she should have talked to me first before changing it. We talked about the shit show sex party. (She also had a bad time.) She told me why she broke up with Oak. That wasn’t related to me at all but I was curious. Basically, he stopping showing her care or concern in big and small ways. It wasn’t healthy for her to stay in the relationship. I told her about how I regretted not bringing up my perception of her physical connection with me before. I doubt it would have changed anything but we were spending a lot of time not talking about things. It would have been cleaner and emotionally healthier. I let her know I wished she had given me a heads up about her and Oak’s issues.

I told her how frustrating it was that I was the one who had to bring up issues of any kind. Neither of them would initiate talking about concerns. That was so exhausting for me. Eventually I stopped bringing up stuff because I was so worn out from the effort to figure out my emotions, what I wanted and needed, and then generate the time, energy and attention to bring it up with them. And often, they would just sit and agree with me if I did bring up something. It was mostly me bringing up stuff, them agreeing that it was a problem and finding a solution. I appreciated that they would change if I had a concern. But it wore me out.

It was a hard conversation with Willow but a necessary one. I am doing the 40 days no contact with a former partner after a break up. I find it really helpful to reset myself, begin processing and work through my initial reactions and feelings. She understood. She really wants to be friends going forward. I need some time and space but I think we will be friends.

I also talked with Oak Monday night. I won’t be friends with Oak anymore. I’m not doing the 40 days thing with him. He is not going to be in my life.

I understood why Willow broke up with me. But I didn’t understand why Oak broke up with me. He initially framed as all about Willow deciding she was truly straight until I called him on it and asked him what his reason was. He finally told me he wasn’t interested in a separate sexual relationship.

That hurts. I wasn’t sure if I would have dated Oak alone but I was willing to consider it. At first, I was ‘ok’ with him not wanting a separate relationship with me. We all have preferences, right? But the more I think about it, the more disturbed I get. Except for being a third in sex, I was never of interest to him. I feel deeply stupid I did not fully figure that out a long time ago. He treated me well and I thought he cared about me. But he didn’t, not as an actual human being. I don’t feel used by Willow. I do feel used by Oak. And it’s mortifying to think I was so deluded as to ever think otherwise. Willow didn’t want to fuck me but I am a person to her. Oak enjoyed fucking me but I wasn’t a person to him. I was a means to an end.

We also talked about my frustration about always having to be the one to bring up issues or concerns. He thought it was totally fine, that it was just how he is. I told him that wasn’t healthy and he should never do that again. I told him it was like rolling a boulder up a hill with no help from him or Willow. I was clearly angry at him. He acted like it was my problem alone. That made me mad, that he believes he has no responsibility or choices in the matter.

I told him I wished he had told me he wasn't interested before now. He said he had told me that in December. I told him I didn’t remember that conversation at all. Like anything at all. I have no memory of it.

He started insisting he had told me he wasn’t interested in me and that I didn’t hear it because it wasn’t the answer I wanted. I started wondering if he had told me and I missed it or misunderstood him. Suddenly, I said mentally to myself out of the blue ‘He’s gas lighting me!’

This conversation never happened. He never told me out loud, in words, that he was never going to be interested in me separately until Monday, February 19th. If he had said something even close to that, I would have processed it. I would have thought about what I wanted. I would talked it over with my friends. I’m not great at reading body language but if someone tells me they are not interested in me, I will hear that.

This is unforgivable. I may not have remained friends with Oak but I decided in the moment I realized what he was doing, that he was out of my life forever. I’ve never been gas lighted. I’ve been lied to by pathological liars but no one has ever tried to make me doubt my own reality before. Lying is awful. But trying to make someone else doubt their reality, their memory, their truth, is evil.

I am still angry. I am also really sad. I never ever thought he would do something like this. I am just so disappointed in him. I expected better. I thought he was capable of better.
 
That sucks, to have to realize those things about Oak. I am glad you can at least come out of this with a friendship with Willow. I hope the next forty days bring you some healing.
 
Wow, opalescent. That's a lot to process. While I haven't been through what you're going through, I have had the experience of being blindsided by something which turns all your previous efforts into dust. Relationships are like projects, and sometimes we are hit by the realisation that we've been working hard on something while other people are on a different track altogether. Yep, it sounds like they were terrible communicators and you have suffered cos of it. But it also sounds like you did the best you could with the info you were given. I don't think you were wearing hope-tinted glasses so much as having trust in your partners and an expectation of basic respect and decency towards you as a person.

If you feel like you've been wasting your time, I would say that they were wasting yours. Maybe not consciously but I'd say carelessly. I'm sorry you had to go though that. Be gentle with yourself in the 40 days and beyond. And good on you for picking up on the gaslighting. Ugh! That's awful. Enjoy being free of that!
 
Opal, that sucks ass so hard! What a bastard. You deserve better, and you will find it/her/him!

Warm hugs through the cyberspace.
 
Opal, I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I agree no-contact/not in persons life sounds like a good step forward for both of these people. Virtual hugs, from mostly a lurker on your page. Please be kind to yourself at this time. :eek:
 
starlight1, kdt, Magdlyn, thanks so much for the kind words/virtual hugs! I really appreciate them which sounds trite but it's true and real.

fuchka, I do think they were careless with me. I'm finding that a helpful way to think about things. Thank you.

***

I am very grateful that friends told me how their partners had gaslighted them. Since I had heard their stories and had that word, I was able to recognize it very quickly. This meant I didn't have to endure months or years of wondering if my reality wasn't real. That they told their stories and named what happened to them really saved me from a great deal of damage.

***

Today I told Oak that I wasn't interested in remaining friends with him. I feel both relieved and sad. I didn't even try to explain why. He probably thinks it is because he wasn't interested in me. I seriously doubt he can hear why I don't want to be in contact or have any sort of relationship at all with him.
 
Been lots going on.

Beaker is very sick. She is having some tests done soon to see what her options for treating what is likely a cancerous tumor. She's so discouraged - it's been years and years of not knowing what is wrong with her health. And now that there seems to be a reliable diagnosis, it might be too late. I'm hoping she is just exhausted, that there is more hope in the situation than she can see right now. But I may not be. I am not ready, never will be ready, for a world without her in it. She is very important to me, even though we are not romantic partners anymore. I am just trying to remain hopeful.

The breakup with Oak and Willow doesn't seem so important now. I'm still sad about it. I'm working through my part in this whole thing. I saw Willow for the first time. We had coffee together. It was mostly good. She is figuring out who she is, on her own, for probably the first time. I had a twinge of pain where she was describing what she wanted in a partner. Someone emotionally available, sensitive, capable of intimacy. Basically me, but with a penis. We don't have full control over who we are attracted to so I know it's not personal. But it's not fun.

I keep getting the 'reunion' card when I do a tarot spread concerning her. It is very odd for the same card to show up in the same spot twice in a row. I assume this means we will continue to be friends. It is very strange though.

I'm still seeing SW. He and his girlfriend had some difficulties recently. They worked it out and are good but he was rather disturbed she hadn't brought up some of her concerns with him before. And I have not been told of things that concern me by all kinds of former partners. I'm not doing that to someone else. So I told him recently that I was considering ending our sexual connection. It's a decision I don't particularly want to make. I'd miss the sex, and I have this belief that if we weren't having sex, we would not hang out together as much. Maybe that is true, maybe not. So I'm just kind of sitting with things. And there has been so many other things on my mind that that.

There is one hopeful thing I'm doing. I'm putting in an offer on another place and hopefully selling my current home. I've been wanting out of this location for years now. It feels like a good time to make a completely new start in another home. (I will still be in my current city, which I love.)
 
The medical community - all of them - are badly failing Beaker. The new specialists she was referred to refused to do anything until she re-did several tests. Tests she has already done, at least twice. And tests that require her to go off all medication. She is bipolar and going off her meds trips her into severe mania. I've never seen her as bad as when as she prepping for these blood tests.

I do not understand wanting to do the same tests over when they have been done already. They don't seem to care that she is utterly miserable when off her meds for that long (it's weeks off and then drugs take at least a month to two to work effectively again). They seem completely uninterested in actually listening to her.

I've never been particularly angry at the medical profession. I've had decent experiences so far. But they have shit the bed on this. Beaker is female and mentally ill so she cannot possibly know anything, understand her body, or know what is the right course of action for her. She manages a very severe disease for decades, largely on her own. That she is still here is astounding. People with severe bipolar don't tend to live very long - usually because they won't do the very hard work of treating and managing it. That's not the case here. The medical profession is killing my ex-wife slowly because they cannot take anyone with mental illness seriously.

I am so angry. And I feel so helpless.
 
Hugs Opal. That is so rough, I'm so sorry they are treating her with less dignity and respect she deserves.

Would it be possible to reach out to some support networks for people going through this? This is a lot on your plate, and being able to fight for Beaker will mean having yourself at tip top mental and physical state.

I hope that with Beaker it isn't cancerous, and it is treatable. I'm so sorry she is going through this. (more big hugs)
 
I'm very sorry to hear about that, opal. I'd be mad too if I were you.
 
The medical community - all of them - are badly failing Beaker. The new specialists she was referred to refused to do anything until she re-did several tests. Tests she has already done, at least twice. And tests that require her to go off all medication. She is bipolar and going off her meds trips her into severe mania. I've never seen her as bad as when as she prepping for these blood tests.
Oh no :(
What's she taking? One would believe things like lithium have pretty well-defined effects.
Aren't they able to do the blood tests while she's on the medication and just, you know, think to take the possible influence into account?
 
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