Life and Love in a Labyrinth

There's a lot I want to say, and I keep not feeling like there's enough time.

Between Monkeys and I being sick so much (as well as exhub, Sunshine/Roommate, and my grands: aka everyone who is familiar with watching monkeys on their own) it became fully evident that a brick and mortar job is not going to work right now. Monkey 1 had two entire weeks home sick, with a week of school in between during which Monkey 2 was sick, and I was recovering from a wicked sinus infection.

"Hi thanks for hiring me, but I need 3 weeks off right now because my house has plague.... Sorry this screws up the training flow!!)".
Yeah, that'd go over GREAT!!! Especially on top of the very limited availability I have. *rolleyes* and the hoping exhub doesn't flake, which he seems non-commital again so who knows!!
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Meanwhile, my pair of Gfs got married. YAY!!! I miss them. but between sicknesses, bad roads and assorted shit moods we've been kind of distant for a bit.

For the same reasons I haven't seen the new hopeful guy again. So 2 lunch dates getting acquainted is it so far. Oops. :-/
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Also, progress on buying house came down to the very last day.... Hoping it's all set now.... TONS OF ANXIETY!!!!! Also car insurance renews tomorrow if we don't change it, and we are changing it, but gotta actually get. it. done.
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And I mentioned my grands have been sick. That's an understatement. My gram has actually been in the hospital for over a week now caused by a secondary infection (cellulitis in a leg which spread to groin lymph nodes, and the swelling caused her skin to rupture and become raw). No clue when she will be released yet, but I'm told she's recovering well. I'm not quite solidly healthy yet so I can't go visit her, in case she picked up another illness from me. X-/
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One of the few things I'm NOT overly anxious about right now, is Goth. We reconnected this past weekend, and I've spent a few weeks introspecting needs, wants, and grey soace between.

Acknowledging that the relationship itself is bipolar, I am currently in a "space" where I accept it as it is, and while I highly doubt it will continue "forever" in it's current format, I don't think Id mind much if it did.
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I've grown a lot in the past couple years, and while I'm not going to claim I'm not a sloppy hinge, I'm doing better at handling my own shit without handing it all to people who don't want to hear about it. j

It helps that there are people who offer to hear about it and work as sounding space for me to vent, process, and regroup!! Gee. If only I could have figured that bit out a bit better before. Maybe I wouldn't have caused such heartache and mess for Guitarist and Autumn. NOT to say either item would have been without troubles, but I hate that I caused them both heaps of pain. Those friendships are still very "we are allies, and friends, but not really close or conversing directly." And I don't want to push, or expect anything to change. Maybe some day.

There's still art in my head that needs to be made and given to them.
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I have a friend coming over for the weekend, from out of town. Hoping it goes well!!

Sunshine is feeling overly-swamped by her bf being here damn near all the time. She and I never intended him to frikkin live here, and she's still working out how deep her feelings for him go, which is hard when he's here 5+ days (including their sleep time) each week (they work same shift at the same place and his house is 2 hours away). She doesn't have enough space-time to process. I've actually had to step in a little to help communicate her boundaries regarding physical space, because he hovers and she has a 3ft bubble.
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The Long Grey Winter can stop with the isolation any time though. I have rediscovered that I **CAN** do just about everything myself if I really have to, but it's exhausting, in every way.

Enough ramble. Time to sleep. Oh, and Monkey has a 4.5 day weekend starting tomorrow afternoon.... yay.
 
depression on the Full Moon. wee?

Have I mentioned lately that I hate depression??? Cuz I freeking HATE DEPRESSION!!!!

Spent about 30 hours at Goth's hanging out with him, family, and a couple friends, playing board games. I helped work on clearing a junk pile and actually had a good idea that made some of that process way easier. Last night I slept next to him... by which I mean I was laying there while he slept, and I skimmed the surface of sleep just a little. He even lay close, facing me for a little bit so I felt welcome to lay an arm around him.

This evening his mom suggested I go home since he has to work early. oh. okay. hasn't been a problem before but I guess I'll go. Sort of said good bye to Goth. I WANTED to ask him if he wanted me to stay or go.... I didn't. because either way hos mom wanted me to leave. So it became a no-win situation.

I pretty much always feel welcome there, and I try to be helpful, and get clues from Goth that he appreciates my presence... sometimes. He's NOT one for PDA, and he's been tired a lot lately. I still tend to opt to be there than elsewhere.

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Meanwhile I have evidence that other friends and flirt-friends, as well as my pair of girlfriends, and Sunshine all appreciate me and like having me around.

YET I feel RIGHT NOW like just a waste of space and energy.

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Thank gods for logic because I am able to see that this is a lie Depression and my other demons are telling me... But right this minute, I'm not really okay. I'll sleep better tonight, but only because I took 3 benadryl. In the morning exhub will bring the Monkeys back and report on how the weekend was with them and probably hang around much longer than is needful, which I will "allow" because if he keeps Monkey2 happy, I can do some Monday morning chore catchup.

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There are a few people I could share my "right now" feelings with. Some I could even go hang out with, or ask over. But I don't want to bother anyone or worry them. Yet, I'm also super lonely atm. I've been VERY hungry for Goth's affection for a few weeks. Spring is basically here and my body is screaming. But I will continue trying to be available, helpful, hopeful, and not in-the-way or insistent.

Next weekend there's a big event. Or a few. idk. whatever.
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Sunshine and her bf have been having a VERY rocky time, mostly Sunshine has felt swamped. He was never supposed to "move in" yet that's what happened basically and it needs to step back to casual for her comfort. I've been refereeing for them for a week or so... it's exhausting. Part of me wants to give up, but I care about her, and don't want her to feel abandoned.
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tomorrow I HAVE TO throw myself into getting started with working online. So for now, I'm going to pray to the Moon and Universe to help me with moving forward with that.

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IDK. I promise I'm safe and will stay safe. I just.... want him, and want to feel wanted by him. I don't NEED him. I need to trust that if he decides he would rather I not come around he will tell me.

I'm still okay with what this tends to be lately. But I kind of want more external reassurance I guess.
 
Nice weekend, then the demons returned....

My weekend began on Friday. Sunshine and I spent hours together cooking a huge batch of potatoes so I could take them to 2 different gatherings on Saturday and hopefully feed about 50 people with them.

M1 had a half day at school, but was actually in a decent mood when he got home, which is RARE lately. He's been having a lot of "bad days" for various reasons that MOSTLY boil down to him not listening or doing things as quickly as his classmates.

So late Friday afternoon I got to drop Monkeys off to my Grands. We knew roads might get bad and I was heading over to Irish's house for Irish festivities Duh! And planned ahead to be ABLE to spend the night. We are in the same Martial Arts group which meets on Saturdays and this week that meant co-hosting a training potluck an hour away, Irish was on the fence about going, but carpooling made it make sense, and we were expected after all.

----- I had told Irish mid-last week that if I couldn't shake the depressive mood, I should not drink. No action needed, just made the statement to hold myself accountable.

Irish found a liquer he described as a "fairy drink" (he came to the conclusion on his own that I am fey the last time we hung out where-in it came up that I react with a rash to extended contact with metal.) So this drink.... every sip I took I giggled, whether as a shot or cocktail. So, major win and I spent the night smiling, giggling, and later cuddling.

Saturday we went to the potluck combat thing.... we showed up early and checked out late, which was sort of the only way I got Irish to go. We excused it by "being too Irish" with festivities and me having a "very busy social schedule" (but only on the weekends).

We talked a lot during the drive, which was nice, and the gathering itself had a great turn out, people loved the potatoes I made and that part of the day closed up.
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I picked up another friend for my other gathering that evening, and then dropped Irish back off at home. This was interesting because while Irish is by nature a force to be reckoned with (bold, boisterous, and sometimes abrasive) my other friend I picked up is super meek, and gentle in presence. And they told bad jokes and puns and we all had a nice drive.

That evening held many laughs with friends and was generally great, except some of them quietly voiced concerns to me about Meek (hey, it works, and I gotta call the kid something). I've had Meek over spontaneously for 48-ish hours recently, and we've had some pretty in-depth conversations. He's pretty darn bright, 22, and bogged down by demons (such as depression and painful past) and I'm confident he is not "in to anything" serious. Very sure he just ate too much cake and got sick. I kept him over night to keep an eye on him, and on the drive to take him home got his mind working on where he would like his future to go.

I've been very clear with Meek that I have affectio for him, but I will not date him. I've dated 3 people from that group in the past and it went badly for everyone, but flirtations are safe. And it's healthier for both of us if I'm a supportive, understanding friend who has a close understanding of some of his circumstances. Shelter from a storm, space in which to heal, but not letting that healing rely on me.

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Sunday I went to Goth's for a few hours. Didn't get to talk 1:1 like I had hoped, but me being there was not uncomfortable, and I helped him a little with thinking through the puzzles of the new Zelda game.

When I left I told him AND his mom that I'll see them in a couple weeks, because this coming weekend they are busy throwing a surprise 18th bday party and taking Goth's neice to a casino. I'll stay away to not intrude, but wished them good luck!!

*The feeling of my time there and the energy when I left told me the "feeling like I've worn out my welcome" PROBABLY is sensing off Sunshine BF, amplified by depression and insecurities.*
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Left there and went to grands to pick up my Monkeys. They had had a great time with very few power struggles.... until I got there. *sigh*

M2 fell asleep on the way home, M1 and I had a much easier time with bedtime routine than we usually do.

Monday morning even went okay. Then M1 got home from school with a behavior note.... He had thrown a fit over running out of time to complete 2 art pieces like the rest of his class. a fit that involved refusing to return to class, yelling at his main teacher and the art teacher, and having to talk to the principal..... Well, it's definitely NOT just at home.... *sigh* F.

Until that point I was mildly up still. Then I fell. Bedtime was a fight. Getting him around for bus in the morning was a fight again. And yesterday the bus driver told me he's going to sit by himself for awhile because he can't seem to keep to himself.... Bus driver is a great fellow who understands, as a parent himself, how inconvenient it can be to have your kid booted from riding the bus.....

I feel like I'm failing my kids. I was messaging with a friend who is actually part of the "let's get parents and kids the support they need to be successful damnit" coalition around here and she's offered to ask around for therapist suggestions "local" to me (local being relative since we are rural).

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Sunshine's vehicle had been at the fixit shop over the weekend, she borrowed my car for work for a few days and we were finally able to pick it up yesterday. I had offered to help pay, via credit cards.... well, two of my cards, specifically the two with nice high limits that I was hoping would be helpful in emergency situations, are super limited in where they can be used because they are store branded..... And my main card through my financial institution was WAY closer to it's limit than I thought..... OOPS!!!!

Between us we got it tended, but F***!!! I tallied up my cards and paid the prior month's balance so there's no interest due at this time...... and my checking is now below 300$.

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Enter: SUBDUED-PANIC
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Alright, gotta work..... can't do brick and mortar jobs. Back to trying to freelance....
Well, got my profile submitted to a site I have a friend successfully using..... They promptly emailed that they don't have room for someone with my (limited relevant) skills.....

But oh look, you can do these assement skill tests to show off and prove your worth..... but in the meantime, no income, or chance of income. Also, I took their spelling test.... I swear they chose the hardest words in English. Things that don't look how they sound and aren't used commonly. I got a "below average but passing" score.

Alright, how about the other site I've been thinking about? bunch of little tasks for pennies? better than nothing, right??? So I stayed up past midnight getting that one started. I got 100% on their English test. Minor validation, yey!
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Meanwhile, Smith's mom texted out of the blue to ask if I'd come do spring cleaning for her for pay. Well, yeah, I can't turn it down right now. It's not much, and I can't commit to doing cleaning as a regular job, but occassional is okay. Especially for family and friends, too bad most of my family and friends are almost as broke as me.

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Early yesterday as I felt myself sinking I asked Irish if he'd like to come over today, since last week he was drunk-ish by the time he realized I could use company (cuz I didn't want to ask... I hate having needs. Even if it's legit) and he suggested that I let him know earlier if I want company the following Wednesday (his day off).

Cool, well, last night we cleared up that he didn't realize M2 is home all day. So, we had an awkward conversation that mostly involved me realizing that my day to day life of stress and boredom has nothing to offer someone who isn't in their own unpleasant form of stress &/or boredom otherwise.... I have nothing to offer during the week to someone who is comfy and confident in their own right.

He's coming over anyway, for a couple hours, to reassure me that I am worthy and capable.

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Anyway, time to get back to earning pennies. weeeee. *cries into her coffee*
 
Sike! -Life

Or Life can say "Oh look, Pix made plans for herself again, but she's met her quota for good times atm, so we're gonna go ahead and stop those plans, at the last minute." and "To help her learn her lesson, let's also keep her weekend in Limbo long enough for her to get hopeful, then rip that away, too!!"

*sigh* Irish couldn't come over yesterday. and (as implied above) the solidness of the fall-through wasn't determined until fairly late in the day. I'm not mad, just a little circumstantially disappointed. There was a "maybe friday??" lightly discussed, lightly because I didn't know what my friday might look like until about 2:30pm today, Thursday.

Since I'm not going to pester Goth this weekend, I made some other hopeful plans for my weekend:
-maybe a much needed massage from friend
-maybe lunch or dinner with my pair of -
-maybe go to another friend's "crafty get-together" and make that art in my head Re Autumn and Guitarist. I went ahead and messaged them today for the bit of detail I needed before I can do the piece. Was way more nerve-wracking than it needed to be to reach out to ask a simple question... I know this is related to my current mental/emotional state.

Well.... Sunshine's vehicle is in to finish the repairs (needed an ordered part) and exhub works this weekend. Sunshine's bf "Basement Troll" is coming over tomorrow and hopes to talk and figure out where the "themness" is heading.

exhub is going to come over at 7am Sat to help me gey both monkeys ready and to M1's music preforming (the whole school district is participating broken down by grade.... M1's grade is first on stage at 9am!)

I'm about to call my grands so I can figure out the rest of how the weekend is going to go.

M1's teacher emailed exhub and I yesterday about M1's behavior and wondering if it's just at school (nope!!) and if she should maybe have counselors get involved (YES PLEASE!!!).

Last night M1 didn't fight as much, but M2 threw a fit that included hitting me. This morning M1 was crying on the toilet before school. He couldn't explain why though. in response to questions he said it wasn't pain, or a dream, it was something that happened regarding Pa, he didn't know if he should tell me, he didn't really remember all of it, he didn't remember at all...... So.... IDFK. Leaning towards dream-sourced. but IDK. He barely managed to get ready in time for bus of course. (typical)
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I love my monkeys.
I need help. I need to have a way to pay for that help.
I messaged exhub about that, and that I need to know if we can use the HSA to pay for the dental cleaning they are due for.

No reply on those items. It stresses me out horribly to make Important Phone Calls. I have to force myself into it. Add to that being unsure of how TF Imtgoing to pay for these needed services and I'm just sitting here going nuts.
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Depression and Anxiety are theifs. They steal focus, interest, stamina, determination, time, and money, among other things.

Last couple days I feel like my boys would be better off without me, and that no one else needs me. "After all" the darkness within me whispers, "you have nothing to offer to anyone who is a complete and stable person. No wonder nothing good lasts, you let them fix the broken bits and they are strong enough to move on."
>.> {#}
Thanks darkness. Really helping....
 
Well, damn...

on the list of things that suck in life stoping a stretch of being celibate to be fluid bound to one person and then hitting a while where they become asexual while your drive is super superhigh and you don't want to have that kind of intimacy with other people for outstanding reasons, including that your hungree is 90% for that person....
yeah it sucks. Lol, sigh, cry.

On the plus side, I actually got to Talk with Goth a bit tonight before heading home. Over the past year I've watched him shift several times, and each time it's "for now on" and he told me about this very early on. So I'm not surprised... and I'm not Expecting a change... But I still want to enjoy the weirdness we have while it lasts.

I told him Certain things are only his, and his response was that I shouldn't fight my nature, and he's not sure he can fulfill that.

*sigh* I am probably dumb for hoping things shift when he gets back to his normal schedule at work.

Somehow, even with how dark things are sometimes right now, I've been more stable the last few months than I have the past 4+ years.

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IDK. I'm hungry, for him, but I can be respectful. I'd rather be around him than not. I didn't say everything I wanted to. But I was trying not to keep him up much later.

I was talking with Sunshine earlier. It may be a dumb thing , but i've done a lot of worse things.

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Meek's grandfather is in the hospital again, second time in a month or two. I'm giving him a ride to work in the morning, and maybe picking him up after. idk.

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Sunshine needs to break up with Troll, but isn't sure how. I found the section of More than Two that deals with breakups for her to read. Maybe it will help. I need to get thd book back to Autumn. I've made no progress reading it myself.

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I earned some pennies last week tagging porn still.... Need to get back on that other site and see what I can do with it.

Also need to sleep. Good night.
 
**amendment to prior entry**

Goth isn't just in an asexual phase. He's actually in an asexual, aromantic, aphysical-contact phase. So he's cool with me hanging out, and sleeping next to him. I just can't expect any physical comforts. Just hang back and leave all initiative to him on that realm.

good thing want & hope are a totally different section of existence from need and expect. I can get kisses and cuddles elsewhere and keep my own comfort boundaries, which include respecting what I know of him, even though he said I can do whatever I need.

I need, for myself, for my own emotional and mental security, to be fluid-bonded to only one person for now. If it gets to be several months and he still seems to be solidly without desire, I can start considering other things.

I've been celebate before, hell, it started while I was pregnant and actively married. The only catch then was I didn't have the freedom to get comfort elsewhere and felt completely unwanted/able.

I can do this.
 
Not enough time to type

So much has been going on lately, in money ways, health of my immediate people's ways, love/lust ways, and.....

On the one hand, I've accepted that I tend hearts that may be wounded till they can shine on their own again. To the point that I want to write a letter that starts off "To my dear future ex....." containing realness and advice, cultivated from myself and (who better) my exes.

On the other hand, I had been having some SERIOUS self doubt in a few ways.... When Guitarist and I were first talking I intended to just be friends because having not met Autumn I couldn't imagine her being okay with anything else. And now, a year after Guitarist and I broke up (due to lack of common interests), ~6 months after Autumn and I broke up (due to my reckless behavior causing her distress) I had been pining recently about "what if all I ever do is fuck up the beautiful gardens others are tending???"

Oh, I am helping Smith's mom with housework now, while also keeping an eye on his mental health from the wings (as well as Space's and Hatter's since they are both dealing with intense breakups atm) so naturally I reflect on how Smith and his major ex drove each other legit crazy and I couldn't do enough to stop the damage, only sort of help clean up after and keep him topside (she has several people tending on her side, no worries).

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Anyhow. Since Autumn and I don't talk a lot directly, it's nice to be able to read that she and Guitarist are doing well and that me being part of their world did not in fact destroy anything, but REALLY DID open them up to greater enjoyment of life!!!

Take THAT self doubt!!! Take it to a corner and sit on it till you shut up!!

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That's NOT to dismiss that there was pain, but I am (at this moment at least) hopeful that the pain is less heavy than the good!!

There's so much more I want to spill to these pages..... but I literally have to run out the door in 10 mins and still need to braid my hair.

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(Besides, depression is creeping up on me again so let's get back to moving before it takes hold!!)
 
*whimper*

Part of me wants to post a big personal truth spill on my Fb because I've been doing a lot of thinking and feeling and it might be good to update/ remind people of how I work...... But another part wants me to keep it vague, which ALWAYS leads to misunderstandings and awkward questions..... and another part says, fuck that!!!! don't expose these things, we haven't figured them all out yet!!!


gah!!!!!!

I wish I could be two of me.... or that some how time and physical energy weren't limited resources.....

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Mini sum-up of where i am relationship-wise might be in order.... there's been some changes and some aren't sure where they are settling yet.

Goth: IDK. ball is in his court, and he isn't sure he wants to play. Just gonna keep dropping by and playing low-key till I get something more clear... which if it's not soonish, I'll be asking.

Pair of GFs: they've been busy, I've been busy, and now a mutual friend of ours may be actively suicidal. In this particular situation Im REALLY torn. It's not a choice that should be made rashly, but in a situation of physical chronic suffering that makes life unbearable..... dignity is a thing.... I still have hope for them to find better treatment that makes life worth living again, but I feel selfish for wanting them to keep suffering to try and get to that point. I don't know whether to offer to hold their hand on their way out (help get things in order so it's less mess for family and loved ones, and maybe keep company in process.... GODS THATS HARD TO CONSIDER!!! especially after Lift....) or try to coax them to find joy and strength. As i've been doing for a very long time, along with all their other loved ones, during a hellish battle that seems eternal.
FUCK.

Irish and I have made out now, and we both enjoyed and would like to do so again sometime. (Ball is in my court on this one, because my boundaries kick in before any he might have.)

Hatter and I have re-established that YES, that mutual crush thing we both tried to lock away for a year or so is still alive and kicking, and we'd both like to explore it. (Ball is in Hatter's court. I've clarified where my boundaries are, and I'm pretty sure Hatter is stil a highly sensual, asexual person. They recently, since LDLTGF broke up with him, had a friend be very blunt, forward, almost forceful about "I want to sex you" and that is NOT OKAY after you are told no. So, idk exactly what it's going to be, but this time, no guilt!! yay!!)

Space: is broken up with his primary person.... by text. she said she doesn't see romantic feelings happening in her for him (fuck.... I have known for months he has love for her!!!) and he can't see himself being okay with "just friends" on this one. not now at least. He went to a convention and has been having mixed emotions about the loss. I'm hanging by in the wings, checking in every few days, trying to make sure IF he needs rescue, he knows I'm here, and that I care.

Smith: having a hard time with his own world, but not seeming to want to talk to me about it this time. idk. The suicidal friend is one of his best buds, too... I really wish I knew what ACTUAL HELP would be here....

Guy I went on 2 "get acquainted" dates with reached out again. I don't think I'm gonna grow feelings for him, but won't know unless I see him a few more times.

Meek: while not a romance, I feel a bit bad, I've been busy freelancing and trying to keep up with a few people who've been in crisis and let my watch on him slip. he "understands" and I felt he needed to start being self-directed more, but it's been a few weeks since I've seen him, and I worry.

Sunshine: also not a romance. Her Gram died last week.... first close loved one to pass in her adulthood.... I drove her down to the funeral, kept company, drove back up, and been trying to keep an eye on her between everything else. She had some particularly painful moments at the funeral.... several family member haven't seen her in years and there's been some BIG changes. People kept asking where her mom's sons were (well, one is in jail and apparently what was clear to me as a family resemblance didn't clue everyone else in... ) It sucked. but there was a lot of love, too. I tried to keep my energy output on "gentle loving glow/ comfort". I hope it worked.


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um..... Monkeys seem to have had a round of mild food poisoning. :-/ I think they are through with it.

IDK what to do, other than keep being me, keep trying to do my best for the many people I love, and take care of myself, too.

I'm missing things I was going to put here.... Guess it's time for sleep. Good night!!
 
Just real quick before I fade to sleep...

That thing that hapoens where most of life is going well for me and I suddenly start getting REALLY BIG AND POWERFUL urges to be some kind of reckless, over and over till something blows up, because my shadows and demons are whispering "how dare I be happy.... Things aren't supposed to be this good, we need to mess this shit up!!".....

Yeah.... that's happening again. So far I'm resisting it and logicing my way through.... but it's hard. I feel like I'm constantly irritable and ready to snap. And it's NO ONE'S FAULT!!! Nothing is even substantially wrong!!! And so, there is no good channel for it.

:-/ IBS kicked my butt this evening though. Also, my period just ended a couple days ago, so it is NOT pms. which would have made sense.

It's also not rage. Which is good!!! And for the most part, when another adult is around I'm fine (pending somewhat on WHICH adult) but it's when I'm alone, or on my own with 1 or both Monkeys that it's too much.

Yesterday I went out to pick up a piece of shiny trash that had blown into my yard and got an urge to just keep walking. No id, phone, keys, money, food. just, walk with no real intention to turn around. It scared me.... I got myself back inside and working on the dishes again.

Monkeys have been stressing me something fierce. but it's not really their fault either. I was given a list of name to call about getting M1 to a psyche. I hope that I can actually get him in somewhere that works around school AND doesn't cost so much he can't go regularly. And THEN i hope it helps!!!

Anyway, I either need to fall asleep or get up and eat something. Goodnight world. keep on spinning.
 
Facts:

Humans are weird.
Bodies are gross.
Depression is a theif.
NRE is super amazing!

3 chaotic weeks between therapy sessions is a bit long...

My life is both going pretty well, AND going pretty haywire at the same time!!

Exhub needs to stop trying to micromanage me.

My brain is a jerk for recycling old ingrained viewpoints that I haven't held as true for many years, if ever, just to keep me feeling like a horrible person.

There is never enough time.

If I could just not need sleep, maybe I could do it all.

Sleep has been elusive, but needed.

Going to eat, take a shower, do chores, go make art with a friend group, then go out to Goth's and see if anything happens in any direction.

~~~

DEAR BRAIN: Yes, I'm aware of the opinions of society and my family regarding poly, but I don't actually believe it. It never worked for me to be monogamous. I love all these people, and they are all aware and care about me. It's okay! Quite the contrary actually, so shut up and quite trying to self destruct!!! GAH!!!

(may not help that I read a post this morning from a friend venting about being directly ridiculed for being bi, by lesbians. WHY CANT WE ALL ACCEPT AND RESPECT EACH OTHER AT LEAST WITH-IN LGBTQ+?!?!? Seriously.)
 
*runs down the halls naked and cry-laughing*

Hi, my name is Pixie and I'll be the bumbling village idiot, here to overcare, overfeel, overshare, overthink, and overdo. ~30 years active so far and at least 12 more to go. And yes, thanks to some mix of depression, mania, and anxiety I'm acutely aware that I am often the biggest contributing factor to why I can't have nice things.... at least not for very long. But hey, I break things so you don't have to!!!! Yay, you win!!! Not sure what the prize is, but here are some hugs to go along with it!!

~~~~~~

IDK.... There's about a hundred things I want to update this about, but I have no clue where to begin and my words feel all tangly. I do know that I'm still prone to doing very dumb things out of the best intentions. And that I've been very highly stressed and unstable again lately. And that reality broke again the other day. and that I'm VERY "affectionate touch from lovers" starved.

And that Sunshine and the Monkeys have been very clingy/ hovery.... and that Troll seems to maybe want to date me?!? um, how about no!?

idk.

-----

planning to go to local prode event with a cue friends and maybe their kids. messaged Autumn because she had posted about going and I wanted to know if we could meet up in solidarity or if we should just be friendly strangers, or something else.... our paths haven't crossed in person since we broke up and we don't communicate regularly by any other method either, which is fine, until I'm trying to figure out what is going to be a "best approach" when we DO cross paths, especially in public, especially if SO's I don't know might be around.
.... so like the idiot I feel I am I overshared details that she probably doesn't give a shit about because in my head less surprise factors = less anxiety triggers, but this is litteraly items of zero consequence... probably. unless it isn't. which is why I shared.... but it's probably totally unneeded.... which is why I've been wrecking myself over it for the past 3 hours.

-----

I miss being pretty confident I was mostly stable and likely to keep maintaining said stability.... the past 5 weeks had 3 weeks of utter chaos, and 2 weeks of me trying to recover..... I'm STILL SO FAR..... And there are more obligations and extra events ahead, and it's summer break and M1 has NO CLUE how to self entertain without an electronic device. *sigh* I feel super failtastic.

I'm certain this is full of typies, I might care enough to fix them later, idk. Anyway.... it's 1:50 am and I gotta get up ~8 to get monkeys around and to the library. Weeeee!!!

shut up anxiety, go to your room.
Good night poor souls who dare to read this mess!!
 
Safe, but....

I feel like I'm drowning, have been for awhile, and will continue to for the foreseeable future.....

And while I have MANY people I could turn to, I feel like I've already leaned on the ones I really trust, too much lately, because while this is an acute situation of drowning, it's lasting a really long time...

I'm not MAD, and no one is At Fault, but due to a whole heap of circumstances I've had to be super mega ultra responsible the last 7+ weeks now, without most of my usual safety net, and only 5 times that I've had consecutive hours where I didn't NEED to do anything. Which were also the only times I've seen any of my partner-ish people.

There are SO MANY things I need to be accomplishing today, and I just want to curl up in a lap and cry myself to sleep while a lover pets my hair and keeps watch.....

I would love to pour it all out to these pages just to get it out, and so my therapist could have a quick read to catch up, but there's SO MUCH and I don't think I can fit it all in the thread....

----
one of the things is a re-realization that too much concentrated time around anyone person for an extended duration magnifies every little nuance and pet peeve until I feel completely toxic.... Sunshine works 3rd shift, sleeps 2nd shift. She is an introvert, but NOT a hermit. She has been home, or running errands with me for 5+ weeks now..... It's Too Much..... And because in that time I'm basically her only social outlet she's been accidentally hovering FAR MORE HAN EVER BEFORE....

This is temporary. She will be self-driving and back to work soon. But Not Quite Yet.

----
exhub decided to go through the stupid "why won't you let us be together again???" cycle AGAIN....

But he did do a cookout & campout with our monkeys here yesterday, so that was cool, but totally NOT a break.

----
my grands are on their second week-long trip in two months, so not only are they not available for childcare, but I have to stop out and tend their cat.

----
Friend Who Can Watch Monkeys in a pinch has a houseful of drama lately and I really do NOT want to add to her stress!!!
....

So childcare has been in super short supply, which means not only do I not get to see lovers much at all, but I haven't been able to work for friends to bring extra money in, and since sunshine is off work, her income is mjnimal atm, and money is tight with M1's bday in less than 2 weeks and already promised a bit of an investment for his bday...

----
Also, a couple friends recently lost loved ones to suicide, several of my friends are dealing with tendancies and one was in the Last Steps Before Doing when she stopped the other day..... I'm safe..... But I UNDERSTAND THEIR DESIRE TO QUIT THIS BULLSHIT way more than I am comfortable with.....

----
Living can be really hard sometimes.... especially when so many circumstances, personal and large scale (hello screwed up politics!!) are so ... hopelessly desperate.

----
There so much more I don't have time or energy for. Like the achey feelings of abandonment yesterday and today echo for me from 2013. Happy independence day..... whatever that even means any more.
 
Started this entry 2 days ago.

So, i havent had time to see ANY of my people much at all these past ~8 weeks, and despite having 6 people I sometimes get to share affectipns with, such opportunities have been sure rare. My grands offered to take Monkeys for a few days so Sunshine and I can try to get things clean and ready for the party -Sunday- without kids underfoot!!

YAY!!

So, I messaged my more reliable partners, and... first to reply was pair of GFs, who need the time for their own mental health.... not their fault, but boys did it feel hopeless and I started getting really angry at the universe. I've been NEEDING affection badly for a while now, and now that a chance comes up... no??? WTF?!?!

Next reply was Irish, with a solid "Maybe" for tonight.

And Hatter replied next with a solid "I Want To Make That Happen!" for tomorrow night.

------
Real time, now after Irish night and Hatter night.

I'm feeling a lot better right now!!! Irish hang out was pretty mellow/ low key but he showed me his method for roast chicken, and it was yummy!! Also simple enough I can probably make one myself. :) And there was time for me to vent about life and share affections, so yay!!

Hatter has been having high anxiety recently. Had difficulty getting out here because of it, and had to actively decide not to run away and hide from everything after he got here. :-/ It's not a "me" thing. life just has him super stressed, too. But I made dinner and we watched some of the sunset, and then he was tired so we went to bed and slept pretty decently!! At least, we both had weird dreams!! He had to get up early to go take care of important work events. I hope his anxiety stays lower than it was.

I described what my reality breaking feels like and he explained he's been having points where he will snap back into first person and not be sure what he was doing or why. :(
I feel like he and Space should talk about these things at some point just for the "not alone" factor. Also, Space described it as a method he uses intentionally to observe himself. So maybe has some tools that would be helpful... idk.

-----
Anyway.... stil have a LOT to do with getting things done before M1's party tomorrow!!

Also, I have a direction to go for my own mental health stuff. My therapists office now has a testing specialist. So I can get retested and hopefully a diagnosis.... In January when my medicaid resets..

At least it's something.
 
2 weekends ago: I was finally able to ask Goth what he wanta of me: to keep coming around when I can, to bugger off, just be one of the guys, or...?

I'm officially one of the guys. Though in his world I've probably been that since Feb. but he claims he's "bad with words" which is a total cop out but what ever. I know he doesn't like big conversations or anything that hints of conflict. He doesn't have to pass it off like that.

I'll still pop out when I don't have other plans, and just chill. Maybe. Probably. At least now there should be less anxiety involved.... right?
.....
2 nights ago I had a dream I tagged along to their LARP out of town, but Goth was missing from the events. 2 of the guys were there, the rest were assumably guild members I haven't met, since I didn't know them in dream. Seemed odd enough, so I messaged the two guys to say "hi, dream, hope everythings good."

------

Also 2 weekends ago: Smith's mom died. Now.... I wasn't as close to her as I would have liked, but the past 12 years I was closer to her than my own mom. Smith is doing okay. He saw it coming and took the chance to say his goodbyes before it was too late.

I didn't get to go help out, never got a direct answer back from grands on it, since they'd have to help with bus times maybe. And the last time I was supposed to go clean there, I had to drop because M1 had a school thing the same day, all day.

----

a couple days later M1 started 1st grade, and it's going great so far!!!

also a couple days later half of my pair of gf's messaged me to try and troubleshoot keeping the other half and herself safe during the other half having a psychotic episode brought on by stress and physical illness.

I don't get to see them much lately. their "weekend" is during the week now, so timeslots are REALLY hard to match up. :-(

----

~4 weeks ago: I was recently able to drop in on the off-shoot fighting practice group from the martial arts group I used to work with. I didn't play though. just watched, and minor helping with equipment. I had too much hurt & angry in me and didn't want to legit hurt people. I miss them. Irish is in that group. Being around active testosterone seemed to help me, especially since my house was pointedly empty while Grands took my monkeys several hours out of town for the week. As much as it is stressful to have them underfoot, it's also REALLY stressful to have them so far from me, because food allergies and stuff. .

----
I have 5 people I get to sometimes kiss, but I hardly ever get to actually see or kiss them. I feel lonely most of the time, stressed out and overwhelmed almost constantly. And I can't seem to shut up the voices that say it's my fault and I deserve it.

-----
So.... years ago, a lover (not partner) and I agreed that we are connected on a soul level, and that we (and some others) have lived many lifetimes around each other in significant ways, though not each soul is having a life the entire time the others are. We believe there is a sort of companion soul that found us when we found each other in this life. We could send this entity between ourselves for company and comfort a long while, and then for some reason or oter he went dormant.

I decided recently, that if this lover is interested, we should try to revive this entity, that it might be very helpful to both of us. But in the process we will probably have sex, (historically, if we are alone together for 30 minutes we are probably going to, or get damn close) which.... I still have the ptsd-type shit going on, so I might break.... but I also might make huge strides towards healing. Won't know till after.

This is the same lover I went to see after Lift attempted to EndGame on my watch, 2 years ago, and we got too close to my lines, I broke, roommates got home and I spent the next few hours pretending my body wasn't vibrating with turmoil until I felt staying was doing more harm than driving while that upset.

BUT. I've grown a lot since then. And at this point, I'm pretty desperate to find a path that doesn't hurt so damn bad all the time.

It's gotten REALLY HARD to keep being me.... all summer, and increasingly so the whole way through. IF we can revive this entity, and it goes like it used to, I will have a sort of internal comfort, and a bit more calm, steady, stoic within me. Right now all I seem to have is stubbornness, grim determination, and anger/ frustration.

----

and of course, a lot of my other friends are having really hard times lately. Hatter among them. And friends in the south who are in difficult situations that I can do little to help with. :-/

I feel so stuck and impotent all the damn time and I'm sick of it. IDK.

Finances suck ass, too, btw. Sunshine and I both being unable to work most of the summer tanked us. We are surviving on credit cards now, but itll be okay.... just gotta hold our breath a little longer and keep tracking where money is/ needs to be for nothing to break. I HATE THIS!!! I am so sick of this cycle of "we should be doing okay, maybe even having savings or paying down debts, but we are getting deeper into debt". I had to ask grands to lend us money to fix my car the other day. Sunshines vehicle needs some real fixing too.

We can't afford to replace them yet, but how much longer can we limp them along?

Just like I can't financially afford to go to therapy every other week, but I can't personally afford not to.

I want steady back!!! but really, I just want to be done and get out.... but I wont.
 
Ouch.... but, not surprised. it never lasts

How about some unitntentionally painful truth to amplify the demons nobody REALLY know I'm suffocating under....

"In regards to you specifically, wherein I think any relationship with you is especially complicated, it's even more difficult to really pin down in a way which is satisfactory to me. You push the limits of my "none of my business" filter, associate with a lot of terrible toxic people, and seem to opt to take a largely passive role in your own life. All of that is your prerogative, of course, but it's all things I have to take into consideration."

It's okay. these are accurate observations. I never ask, expect, or hope for forever, so it's not like I'm shocked. Eventually I fuck everything up, whether I try too hard, not hard enough, become what they express they want, or try to stay me.... Doesn't matter. it always ends. Just sometimes it's more directly my fault than other times.

At least I got an answer to another question I hadn't figured out that I needed to ask yet.... I was starting to wonder, but trying to hold hope that it wasn't-me- that was the problem.

(inner dialogue) Oh, silly girl.... when will you realize it's always you.... your darker thoughts have been right all along, you're always too much, and not enough, sooner or later.

-----

it's okay.... I'm really good at staying safe.... been doing it all evening anyway!!

don't worry. I'll be fine. I'm just not right now. I live the next 12 years and there's a lot of stupid a human can survive but in terrible shape.
 
*whimpers*

**ETA: I was going to post this in one of my fb groups, and changed my mind...**

I am getting really sick of my own massive instability.... Sinking again after a few good days after the lowest I've been in a long while....

boys want me every few seconds, I don't want to be touched by anyone around me. I want to curl up in a lover or trusted friend's lap, but none of them are available AND well.

I keep warring with Just How Honest I can be without scaring the shit out of my friends & family or burning them out, because this is not a short-lived issue for me.

I can and will continue staying safe, but I'm wanting "out" on a very frequent basis lately.

And I was doing so very well just 3 days ago....

And I'm in the midst of taking on more responsibilities again, out of necessity. X-/
 
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pity party of 1

I had a good weekend. not much sleep, lots of physical activity, might have eaten "enough" maybe, but built some new friendships and got to tell some of the biggest parts of My Story to a fellow empath, who believes I'm at the tipping point before every thing in my life gets better for me, I believe she knows about such things, and I'm trying to believe she is right for me.

related feelings: excited, relieved, frightened.

Also saw Goth today. he was helping new friend, too. it was only a little awkward. I tried to hide the heartache bit and play my role as "one of the guys" while not lying either.

Space is going through some kind of change, and seems to want me to know, but not to try to help in any way, beyond knowing. Trying hard to trust him to take care of himself, but I KNOW that's a struggle for him. at least he's 28 now, so 27-club isn't a concern.

I just got myself off and I'm crying. I don't get to see any of my loves much at all lately. I feel so very lonely. I KNOW i'm being useful, and I KNOW that i'm relatively safe, appreciated and accepted for me......,,,, but I want to FEEL it in those ways that only intimacy seems to provide.

I'm so tired of being strong and having to work back through the same stuff I haven't fully dealt with yet over and over. and I just want to stop,

but, I live the next 12 years (okay, 11.5 now) and must keep doing all the things. including seeing exhub and being cordial while trying to stay guarded and keep my boundaries up.

I spent ~5 hours last night trying to sleep on the floor, tonight I'll be on my couch, in Goths old spot. Because pretending may not be healthy, but neither is not sleeping. It's 2:15am and I have to wake at 6am.

also, a friend wants my opinion on her inlaws whom I've never met, and another friend wants to vent to me about their relationship instead of addressing it with their spouse, who is also a friend. (There's a message I haven't opened yet.) Goth suggested I delete FB because then I won't have to deal with that. I said then I also won't be making money that I have been. Goth "get a job". Me "yeah, sure. you gonna watch Monkeys for me?" Goth "why not, I've got pet stakes (for tying up dogs outside)" don't worry, we both know he wouldn't actually take that on, but if he did, he'd actually be adoring them, which is why he won't, because it hurts too much.

Weeeee? idk.

---------

In fiddler on the roof, Tevya asks god why he specifically has to be poor. I know I'm this way (poly, pan, commitment averae, toxic to people I love so much) for reasons... but "would it spoil some vast eternal plan?!?! If I were" a bit more capable of ..... being?
 
Well.... Positive progress: Medicaid lifted the limit on behavioral appts, so I've began the "get diagnosed" road again. this time with a specialist in the same office as my therapist, who says she works to get actual diagnosis, not "maybe these, follow up with a psych" road like last time. Also since she is IN THE SAME OFFICE I've asked and paper consented to her and my therapist collaborating in figuring me out.

Testing is Monday the 23rd.
------

Time to really seriously not try to be around Goth. the parental of one of his close friends has decided they want to try dating me. the close friend tried to warn them not too.... I've noticed this only ever backfires to the person wanting to find out for themselves.

meanwhile, the fact that people sometimes feel the need to warn those who want to date me, or the new people of my exes, makes it harder to keep believing I'm a mostly decent human.... ;-;

BUT!!! Goth saw some of the very worst of me, and the close friend was there the night i got probably alcohol poisoning drunk with them, so the group has collectively witnessed my .... intensity. so guess I can't blame them.
----

I still hardly get to see any of my current people.

Irish still hasn't given me any update on what I am in his world, so playing basic friendship there still.

Hatter has been having hella anxiety so haven't been able to see him for awhile. Most is regarding a horrible change that was made at work and the huge fallout from that. seriously hearing mega stress from all my friends there. :-/

Pair of girlfriends are both at same job as Hatter, so naturally they are dealing with that extra stress of new change on top of their own health and suchness.

Space is also at same job, and is having MAJOR internal struggles with things. but some of the key pieces of my life (having kids) is too much what-he-wanted/hoped/planned for himself by now and so letting me close to try and soothe what I might..... probably feels like selfharm to him at the moment. Which, I get.... but I wish he'd let me try :( maybe I'm a horrible person after all.....

Glassblower has been busy and so have I, as usual, so seeing each other is still mega rare. might ask him what he's doing tomorrow night.

----
so lonely in here.
----

other people expressing interest is still happening. and meeting up with the ex-something who MIGHT be anle to pull us both out of this rut through risky intimacy hasn't happened yet and he's not been texting much lately. he started working again though and idk his schedule at all.

-----

And then there's my beloved Monkeys....
M1 is having poop problems again.
M2 is having "I want to grow up NOW" frustrations still.

I need to find more $$ so I can take each monkey to pick out one outfit themselves, because so far all their clothes have been bought by my Gram or other family who are very cis-het-genderrole normative and I'm not sure that's what monkeys want right now.... Ive told key people in my world so I have backup if I'm right, and I know it might just be curious exploring, but M2 might not be cis-het. WHICH IS FINE!!!! I'll just have to defend him against family earlier than I had expected.

----

I've been wanting to quit life a lot lately. hopefully eval goes smoothly and leads to better stability. *fingers crossed*
 
Letter I should never sendq

Dear Goth,

I made promises a year ago, and they hold true, if you ever reach back for me, I will do all I can to help you.

But I have to let you go all over again and it hurts super deep again.

I've vented about our struggles to people who don't know you, sure, but I've never spoken hatefully of you.

I've lost lovers and friends for coming around. Which you asked me to. So I did, countless times, usually expecting that you'd send me away with some form of "don't come back" but I pushed through anxiety and fear to be there because that's what you had told me you wanted.

And when you didn't have a phone you told me just showing up was fine. and when you got a new phone, you didn't gove me the number, but showing up was still okay. And I tried to check in with you when ever I really started to doubt. but asking you big questions is hard, and getting real answers is hard to do when you're so busy keeping up fronts.

I'll be the first to admit I was completely unstable during our 3 official months.

At what point did you paint me a stalker to people I count as friends? And more over, why?? You could have told me at any point to go away and not come back, and sure it would have hurt like hell, but I'd have stopped coming. around and left you be, and done my own work trying to recover again.

I wouldn't have been very surprised. Anxiety and fear, and your damn thoughts inside my head have been telling me this for a long time now, but I was shoving them aside to keep a cinder of hope alive.

Because No, I was not trying to find a father for my boys,
and yes, I leaned way to heavy on you when we were officially daying,
but I HOPED that me existing in your world, on your terms, would be less toxic to you than you existing in mine....
And I have trusted you and felt so safe just to be in your company,

I tried to be helpful and not in-the-way when I was around. But that's kind of my Mo in life. Your sister says "live to serve, serve to live." well... that was instilled in me before she reinforced it in 2003. But through her, and your mom, and being around your family, I've found hope and reassurance for my own path.

And our "casual" time together, was also the most steady stable I've ever been for so long. Which isn't entirely you, but you are a major piece of that time for me.

So even though it hurts like having every old wound through my years reopened to see inside, to see just how little the deep tissues have mended....

I still want to thank you for this past year. All of it. I've grown more, learned more.

I still intend to never speak harm on you. I love you, I want you happy and healthy and if I am able to do anything to help in that direction I will overextend myself to do so.....

But now I have a lot of loss to process through, including not being sure if all the friends who know us both will ever see me as I am, and not as I've been painted.

Also, I'm glad you're doing so much better than you were two years ago... I'd like to believe I helped in some small ways along your healing. But you'll never speak truth to me on that even if I got the guts to ask. I don't plan to intentionally dodge you, but I won't come around on purpose any more. it hurts too much.

Some day I record the song in my head. it feels like an important part of moving on.

I want to let you go, release you from my heart and cut you from my soul. I'm going to try, and keep trying.

Goodbye, Goth. May all your days be what you truly want them to be.
 
oh wow... oops, I did it again....

Sometimes I'm able to love who I am. This is not one of those times.

While I was still in "build the friendship, test for other feelings" mode, Goth's best friend's parent "fell in love" with me, deeply, desperately.... And I had to break up with her, though I had never meant to be "going steady". Yes we had a few dates, to get acquainted. Then in one evening she dropped a whole sack full of red flags and landmines. I was realing from the weight of it all and couldn't think straight right away. it felt like drowning in all the toxic parts of Goth and Troll combined!! GAH!!!!!!

Two days later I got some peace on needing to end it from a mutual friend, and then did go break up with her.

it was REALLY HARD!!! I never meant to hurt her or lead her on and I thought I was doing a good job of being clear and keeping the breaks on.

-----

My exlover I had been thinking about rekindling with.... has a baby on the way with his roommate now. He's still interested, and so am I, but there's fear and complicated mess now.

-----

Irish was being playful over chat the other day and I ... didn't feel panicked about getting sexual with him. Huh, so we talked possibility of getting together (all good), testing havits (sufficient), and preventions (this is where I lost my calm-peace on it!!!)

I have to consider not only the effectiveness of methods, but also the possible side effects on my body. My methods of choice for health, safety, and sanity, are condoms, with spermicide (vaginal contraceptive film) as back up. He challenged that spermicide isn't very effective and the best option long term for reliability is an iud.

I can't do metals (such as copper) because I react with itchy hives if metal is against my skin too long, wtf would putting it inside me do?!?

I can't do hormones because there's a substantial chance that either directly or through placebo effect they could seriously worsen my ability to stay stable.

So.... I want sex. I could have sex. but once again i'm in a space of not being able to handle it.

-----

meanwhile other friends have expressed/ reminded me of their interest in me,. like.... why so many all at once? Universe, please slow down just a bit?!?! I've got one new kissing friend. bringing my total to 6. and no, I'm not going out and looking for more!!!

-----

I have to reassert my old rule of NOT dating anyone who is new to my world/ friends, especially if I'm not sure I feel relationship-stuffs for them!! Because I operate weirdly and confuse people sometimes.

I did a long exposing video on about it and pieces of my past. It was hard to do but also REALLY important. There's millions more things I want to say.

Oh, and in case Autumn reads this. November is high stress, but it isn't cursed, and wasn't the end of us, I'm just broken in stupid ways that make me incompatible for long term positive things. I'm so sorry. I hope you can attribute those scars to my shortcomings and stop having to carry them so much with anything else that makes you happy!!

Anyway..... not happy with myself right now, but still working on it. :-/
 
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