BathedInSalt
New member
I'm gonna reveal some not so great things I've discovered about myself in this post, but I'm trying to change my perspective I promise.
My first relationship/friendship/metamour-ship didn't go so well. It went so not well that it contributed to Dean breaking up with Mary. There were several other reasons for the breakup, but I played a part. For my responsibility in that situation I feel eternally guilty. I wanted to do better, I wanted to give Dean what he's given me, what he continues to give me. I've done a pretty good job figuring out my role in that, getting to the bottom of my feelings about Dean dating and separating them from how I felt about Mary in particular.
Dean, however doesn't have much confidence, possibly no confidence in my ability to accept him dating. That's problematic for so many reasons. I do think I can do better. I'm not even the same person as I was when this first started. There's no way I could be worse at it after all the work I've done staring into the ugly feelings, gaining new perspective.
OK so that happened.
Now I've identified that I do have the habit of reading into what people say, especially women. I like to think that I don't speak this way (passive communication) I'm generally unafraid to ask for my wants/needs frankly, not afraid to be denied them- but that's probably because I usually am not denied
them. I could pick that apart too. I realize it makes me sound spoiled, but I don't think I handle being denied poorly so there's that.
I know I grew up in a house where passive communication was the only way we all communicated.
What I want to learn now is how to just take people's word at face value. It's really hard and I get all anxious and worked up wondering what she "really meant".
It's also bothering me that I only think this about women. That's so messed up.
I don't agonize over texts from men wondering what else he meant by what he said, but I sure do that with women. I would like to stop.
Any ideas?
Specifically I'm now talking to Sir's partner Grace. She reached out on social media, we've texted a bit now, but instead of "getting to know you" stuff it went straight to clearing up scheduling miscommunications. This is our first introduction. I'm not feeling good about it.
I'm feeling anxious. Worried. Like every time we talk is an opportunity for me to fuck things up. I know I'm bringing my first experience into this one. I gotta treat this like it's own thing.
So, here's the other thing I find happening. My first reactions to Grace's texts are defensive. That's gotta be fear based right? Like I'm afraid I'll mess up, she'll "win" and I'll lose my relationship with Sir. Also though I find myself trying to assert myself to her. It's not a competition for Allan's time, why is that my default thought process.? Why do I need to feel powerful in this? I mean, I need to feel heard and have my needs met too and all...
for example Grace asked if Sir and I had a shared calendar, said that it was a must have for this kind of thing. In my head I was all "don't tell me what to do!", even though the calendar is a good idea and I did wind up making one. While I was making it I was combatting this stubborn part of me that didn't want to do it just because she suggested it. In this scenario it only really matters what I do, what I say, not the mess that's going on in my head, but I need to change the dialogue that's in my head, right?
As I was making the calendar I was thinking "ok I'll let her have this one" like I'm not going to make a big deal about how " I don't need a calendar" "I do things differently than you".
At the end of the day it's a good idea and it will help things go smoother for all of us. I texted her back saying that I did make one, that it was a good idea and that anything to help things go well with all of us was a good thing. All of which I think is true, but I also thought that letting her know would be nice so she can feel glad that I did something she suggested. I have no idea that she thought that. I'm reading into everything. I have to stop.
I'm seeing a default pattern of feeling that my metamours are somehow working against me, that I have to assert myself, have this power play. I have a suspicion where this comes from (monogamous upbringing) and also because my history with partners previous to Dean has been difficult. I was at least cheated on in each relationship and in some treated abusively. That's a whole other layer I'm trying to heal.
I want my actions to be more purely driven. Maybe it just takes practice?
I'm open to any advice and further questions to help clarify the situation.
My first relationship/friendship/metamour-ship didn't go so well. It went so not well that it contributed to Dean breaking up with Mary. There were several other reasons for the breakup, but I played a part. For my responsibility in that situation I feel eternally guilty. I wanted to do better, I wanted to give Dean what he's given me, what he continues to give me. I've done a pretty good job figuring out my role in that, getting to the bottom of my feelings about Dean dating and separating them from how I felt about Mary in particular.
Dean, however doesn't have much confidence, possibly no confidence in my ability to accept him dating. That's problematic for so many reasons. I do think I can do better. I'm not even the same person as I was when this first started. There's no way I could be worse at it after all the work I've done staring into the ugly feelings, gaining new perspective.
OK so that happened.
Now I've identified that I do have the habit of reading into what people say, especially women. I like to think that I don't speak this way (passive communication) I'm generally unafraid to ask for my wants/needs frankly, not afraid to be denied them- but that's probably because I usually am not denied
them. I could pick that apart too. I realize it makes me sound spoiled, but I don't think I handle being denied poorly so there's that.
I know I grew up in a house where passive communication was the only way we all communicated.
What I want to learn now is how to just take people's word at face value. It's really hard and I get all anxious and worked up wondering what she "really meant".
It's also bothering me that I only think this about women. That's so messed up.
I don't agonize over texts from men wondering what else he meant by what he said, but I sure do that with women. I would like to stop.
Any ideas?
Specifically I'm now talking to Sir's partner Grace. She reached out on social media, we've texted a bit now, but instead of "getting to know you" stuff it went straight to clearing up scheduling miscommunications. This is our first introduction. I'm not feeling good about it.
I'm feeling anxious. Worried. Like every time we talk is an opportunity for me to fuck things up. I know I'm bringing my first experience into this one. I gotta treat this like it's own thing.
So, here's the other thing I find happening. My first reactions to Grace's texts are defensive. That's gotta be fear based right? Like I'm afraid I'll mess up, she'll "win" and I'll lose my relationship with Sir. Also though I find myself trying to assert myself to her. It's not a competition for Allan's time, why is that my default thought process.? Why do I need to feel powerful in this? I mean, I need to feel heard and have my needs met too and all...
for example Grace asked if Sir and I had a shared calendar, said that it was a must have for this kind of thing. In my head I was all "don't tell me what to do!", even though the calendar is a good idea and I did wind up making one. While I was making it I was combatting this stubborn part of me that didn't want to do it just because she suggested it. In this scenario it only really matters what I do, what I say, not the mess that's going on in my head, but I need to change the dialogue that's in my head, right?
As I was making the calendar I was thinking "ok I'll let her have this one" like I'm not going to make a big deal about how " I don't need a calendar" "I do things differently than you".
At the end of the day it's a good idea and it will help things go smoother for all of us. I texted her back saying that I did make one, that it was a good idea and that anything to help things go well with all of us was a good thing. All of which I think is true, but I also thought that letting her know would be nice so she can feel glad that I did something she suggested. I have no idea that she thought that. I'm reading into everything. I have to stop.
I'm seeing a default pattern of feeling that my metamours are somehow working against me, that I have to assert myself, have this power play. I have a suspicion where this comes from (monogamous upbringing) and also because my history with partners previous to Dean has been difficult. I was at least cheated on in each relationship and in some treated abusively. That's a whole other layer I'm trying to heal.
I want my actions to be more purely driven. Maybe it just takes practice?
I'm open to any advice and further questions to help clarify the situation.