Looking for tips on how to be a good wingman for my husband

Sparkles

New member
Hi all. I started dating a great guy (let's call him Bear) a few months ago. It's going really well with Bear, but Hubby has raised the issue that he's feeling a little jealous. Hubby's occasional play partner lives across the city, and without car, he rarely sees her now.
Hubby has asked if I would be his wingman, in an effort to meet more peeps. So, Im looking for tips on this.

The basics... He's bi, looking for someone to hook up with (with or without me). (Unlike me, Hubby prefers FWB rather than romantic relationships.)

Do any of you have experiences with this? Where are the best placed to meet people? I'm thinking we need to start attending local kink and swinger events.

Our usual hangout is great - a gay karaoke bar (it's where we met!!), buy I feel like after so many years our options are limited there.

Also, neither of us are keen on online dating.

Any suggestions and ideas would be welcome!!
 
My advice is don't do it. It sounds messy.

If you want to attend kink events and whatever, that's one thing. No need for you to be on the hunt though. Just let him know he is free to talk to other people when you are around.
 
No sure what "wingman" means, but if you're willing to go with him to social events to get to know more people, why not. (Imho attraction usually works a bit better without the partner around, but going to meet an entirely new group totally alone is quite difficult and there's no reason why you can't help with that.)
Apart from kink events I find sci-fi fans to usually be quite open-minded if you're into that.

The whole concept of dating someone to overcome jealousy is a bit suspicious though.
 
Hey Vinsanity - do you mean that as "wingman" I may end up sending mixed signals to the other person? As in they may interpret my intervention as some desire for a three-way interaction? This is definitely not the intent, but if it happens, I may be game).

Tinwen - I agree that dating other people does not help one get over jealousy. In our case, this would be more of an attempt to be non-hermetic.
Truthfully, I would love for hubby to feel confident enough to seek activity without me. (not just sexual!) The fact that we are (other than work, my dating and my running) effectively fused at the hip is, in retrospect, kind of weird.

This is plenty of food for thought....
 
As in they may interpret my intervention as some desire for a three-way interaction?
As in a "that person is partnered, let's not approach her" way. But maybe it only works that way for women. And obviously, that would not be the case at swingers.
 
Hello Sparkles,

I am curious, do you have any local poly groups in your area? If you do, maybe you could attend some of their potlucks/socials. Really though, anything you are both interested in would be a good place to start.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
No sure what "wingman" means...


Best definition from the Urban Dictionary:
"The original military term wingman defined a pilot who supports another pilot in a dangerous flying environment. Today we honor that bravery by using the same term to describe a guy who misleads someone into sleeping with you."

I dunno if "wingman" implies deceit, but a wingman's purpose is to sacrifice himself socially one way or another so that his buddy can get laid that night. It comes from the Airforce: Your wingman is a pilot who flies close to your wing to protect you and sacrifice himself if need be.
 
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I'll be honest... when I read the " Looking for tips on how to be a good wingman for my husband" title I thought "Ew. Why?!"

Then I backed up to ...wait... what does he MEAN? So...What does your hubby mean by "wingman to meet peeps?" And for how long?

Because it would be one thing if he means go with him to social events or locations that make him anxious to keep him company until he gets used to it again for a few times while he tries to talk to new people on his own. (esp if he's not been out and about in a long while and fees rusty)

But when I hear "wingman" I think of how some people use it. Like "go distract the uggo friend so I can rope off and bang the hottie." That's not so great sounding if he means it like the "pick up artist" people do. It's not in the military way like the one who protects the main pilot. More like the kinda predatory way.

Truthfully, I would love for hubby to feel confident enough to seek activity without me. (not just sexual!) The fact that we are (other than work, my dating and my running) effectively fused at the hip is, in retrospect, kind of weird.

Well, if the goal is to get him to grow his skills so he can be doing things without you? I would encourage him to go do stuff. And limit your participation to going with him a few times to Event. (Whatever it is.) So he has company on the drive there and back. And maybe for a little bit while there... but have a time where he has to go be off on his own and you go be off on your own so he can work on his social skills.

Confidence is grown by doing. Like a muscle you exercise. It doesn't fall out of the sky. He is the one who has to grow it. You cannot do it for him.

Perhaps he might want to take a class -- I know here there's sometimes classes for things like "learn how to be a good conversationalist" or "getting past shyness" at the library or county extension or similar. Maybe you have things like that there.

Galagirl
 
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The fact that we are (other than work, my dating and my running) effectively fused at the hip is, in retrospect, kind of weird.

What's this all about? Why are you two fused at the hip and what feels weird to you about it? Seeking additional sex partners always illuminates what the couple is all about. Seeking additional sex partners isn't going to rectify anything. That's why we always say that there have to be three "Hell yeah!"s for poly to work.
 
So while you're likely "that" couple from this article, you might find some useful tips for
disentangling here.
 
Because it would be one thing if he means go with him to social events or locations that make him anxious to keep him company until he gets used to it again for a few times while he tries to talk to new people on his own. (esp if he's not been out and about in a long while and fees rusty)

But when I hear "wingman" I think of how some people use it. Like "go distract the uggo friend so I can rope off and bang the hottie." That's not so great sounding if he means it like the "pick up artist" people do. It's not in the military way like the one who protects the main pilot. More like the kinda predatory way.

Among my friends, male and female, your first paragraph is closer to what they mean when they ask me to be a wingman. Many of them are slightly introverted and have mild social anxiety so having me there makes it a little easier for them to warm up to the situation, because they have someone that will chat or get on the dance floor with them. On top of being supportive, the other wingman duty is to help make sure that it stays a safe space by having each other's back when it comes to aggressive creepy people that violate boundaries and have a hard time taking no as an answer or if a friend has too much to drink, making sure nothing skeezy happens to them because of their impaired judgment. Plus around here people tend to only socialize in small groups so if my friend that I'm with wants to talk to someone, it often means approaching a group so it's slightly less awkward to approach it with someone else that becomes an active part of the conversation. This is how I understood the OP's request for advice.

All that said, I don't have experience being a wingman in this type of situation, going out with my spouse to help her find a partner, however I have been in situations that are vaguely similar- hanging out with her and a metamour in social situations or being at some kind of gathering where one of us stumbles into what might be called a spontaneous encounter, unexpectedly liking someone and wanting the time/space to pursue it. So I can at least tell you how I handle these situations.

When it comes being social situations with a metamour, whether at home or in public, my general rule is to be a good host. I make the other person feel welcome, participate in the conversation, and also make sure to occasionally make graceful exits, staying away for a bit, so that they have some private time as well. So far, when we've done this, it's worked out extraordinarily well. For one, the metamour sees that I truly am supportive of what's going on which puts them at ease. It also demonstrates to my partner that I'm supportive of her as well. Plus I usually end up with a new friend as well because I typically get along very well with her metamours. The other nice thing is that I get the time and space I needed to meet people and have my own enjoyable night out. Take this with this grain of salt though- if you read enough posts here you'll find that a lot of folks prefer that their partner and the metamour have minimal to no interaction. This works for us because of who we are and how we see the world but it definitely isn't for everyone.

In the other situation, say we're at a party and she discovers that she wants to go off to talk with stranger-x, I encourage her, give them space, check in with her when she needs to, and generally go off on my own to talk to people and enjoy the party. So far it's worked out well for us. Once again though we're a bit more comfortable with being socially non-monogamous so it may not be for everyone.

Practically speaking, how would this work in your situation? How I read it, your husband is asking for someone to hold his hand as he's getting ready to leave the nest socially speaking. My first suggestion is a bit different from most the advice you've gotten or will get here- if all three of you are amenable to it, you and bear meet him at a bar for a couple of drinks with the understanding that at some point you and bear will be leaving so he'll be on his own. To reiterate something here, only do this if all three of you are ok with it. If everybody is ok with it, it will encourage him to talk to other people because he knows he's not leaving with you and it's more likely that people will respond to him because rather than seeing him there alone with his wife, they'll see him hanging out with a couple. However if any one of you wouldn't feel comfortable doing this, DON'T DO IT, as it will likely lead to someone having a meltdown in the near future. If going out as a group doesn't work, go out to the bar with him but as a friend rather than as his wife. By this make it clear up front that your body language and interactions are going to be friendly but not romantic. I'd also once again recommend making it clear that he's also not leaving with you, so maybe plan on leaving to go spend time with the BF or something.

It may seem harsh to set it up like that but honestly I see it as being appropriately supportive. He's basically asking for support, hand holding as it were, as he expands his social life. However it's also a situation where support can turn into enabling if he doesn't have an incentive to let go of your hand and dive into the water. Another benefit of doing it this way is that it makes him responsible for the outcome of his evening because if you stay there the entire night and he doesn't achieve the desired outcome there's a good chance he'll do what insecure people often do when things don't work out for them- try to flip it back on you.

If you choose to go to more organized social events, say poly meet-ups, going as a couple works but still set some limits on it, like maybe telling him you'll go a couple times with him to help him ease into it but after that he's on his own.

However there is also some consideration to telling him you love him, you're sorry he's struggling, that you want to support him in ways that you can but this isn't one of those ways so if he needs a wingman, consider asking a friend or three to tag along with him.
 
I don't see "wingman" so much as "beard" --
a person who is used, knowingly or unknowingly, as a date, romantic partner (boyfriend or girlfriend), or spouse either to conceal infidelity or to conceal one's sexual orientation. The American slang term originally referred to anyone who acted on behalf of another, in any transaction, to conceal a person's true identity.
Now, with that said, I've always preferred that someone be VERY aware that I'm in a sexually open relationship before we proceed anywhere past public social interaction. If a woman was interested in "getting to know me better," then any first-hand evidence I'm happy with another partner (maybe my wife) sets the tone that I'm NOT shopping for a replacement & NOT being shady about my nonmonogamy. Better still if they can speak freely to each other without me moderating, like to straighten out scheduling conflicts for dates. (It was kinda sweet when four of my lovers got together & arranged a surprise birthday party for me. :))

But I can't see where I'd take a lover with me to cruise bars or something. That just feels somehow skeevy. I've been cruised by couples, where the woman was clearly sent over to "rope me in" & meet her husband/boyfriend, clearly a closet case; it was a little flattering (at least once I found the guy somewhat attractive ;)) but mostly made me a bit sad that they were incapable of being upfront & honest about it.
 
In my circle the idea of a "wingman" is clearly along the lines of Refusnik's/

... having me there makes it a little easier for them to warm up to the situation, because they have someone that will chat or get on the dance floor with them. On top of being supportive, the other wingman duty is to help make sure that it stays a safe space by having each other's back when it comes to aggressive creepy people that violate boundaries and have a hard time taking no as an answer or if a friend has too much to drink, making sure nothing skeezy happens to them because of their impaired judgment. Plus around here people tend to only socialize in small groups so if my friend that I'm with wants to talk to someone, it often means approaching a group so it's slightly less awkward to approach it with someone else that becomes an active part of the conversation. This is how I understood the OP's request for advice.

I don't mind being wingman for SLeW (my platonic girlfriend:p) and the boys, and they for me. If we go out for the evening it is generally some combination. Talk and dance with them until they catch someone's eye - if they approach someone, or get approached, then stick around long enough to catch the vibe, then fade away. Check back occasionally and bring them a drink or whatever so they don't need to break the convo if it is going well - but also gives them the opportunity to extricate themselves if necessary.

Much like what Refusnik is describing:

When it comes being social situations with a metamour, whether at home or in public, my general rule is to be a good host. I make the other person feel welcome, participate in the conversation, and also make sure to occasionally make graceful exits, staying away for a bit, so that they have some private time as well. So far, when we've done this, it's worked out extraordinarily well. For one, the metamour sees that I truly am supportive of what's going on which puts them at ease.
 
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