How to Combat Jealousy

jealousjean

New member
I have been married to my best friend, my soulmate, my husband for 16 years. We've had our ups and downs but things were going well the past year or so. Then we brought in a third. This wonderful girl that I work with that I had had a crush on for awhile. We had a threesome and it blossomed into a traid relationship. After a month now I have not been able to be comfortable with the fact that they are together. Everytime I see them be romantic with each other it hurts me inside. I have realized I CANNOT share my love with another woman. My husband is my world and the ONLY person I will ever love and the only person I want to be with. I had thought he felt the same about me but I guess not. So how do I deal with these feelings? I have tried talking to the both of them and while she understands, he doesn't. I don't want to lose him but I'm thinking that I'm going to have to leave him. If he doesn't feel the same way about me that I do about him why should I stay?
 
Hello

If he is truly your soulmate good luck finding another one, right? That's mono Bible stuff by the way! Don't forget that.... You would have gone through feeling this way if coming into it with a partner, you cared about, for the first time. If you got here to this point where you wanted to explore of free will( own idea)? Or was it your SO's idea?
It sucks but it is the first time you'll do this so there will be feelings and emotions flying and not always pleasing ones.
Give it time and find your way first... What that truly would be
There be plenty more contractive sharing coming so just hold tight ;)
I'm not the only one here I think
 
Last edited:
Thanks. I guess that's a big thing. All these emotions that constantly run thru me and I just don't know how to handle them. A lot of the time I'm happy to see the both of them happy but I'm also hurt that I'm being ignored or left out. I feel not loved and not wanted. The threesome that we had that started this was my idea but the poly relationship was his. And of course I went along with it despite not being comfortable with the idea. I do what I have to to make my husband happy. Is there a way I can combat these feelings or do I just need to accept them and keep them hidden?
 
No hiding.. Go head on

Figure out the underlying drive of the emotions! Just member they don't pay the bills. But anyway.
If your feeling left out.. Mention it again to both together and separate. I would!
Do remember and research NRE.. As I assume your SO is in deep. That said it's no excuse for him not taking care of you too. Or trying at least. And teach him that's probably where he's at and how to control it
He needs to be thankful yall made it this far.
It's usually best to begin poly or nonmon from a very independent of free will stance.
I feel for you.. It's lots of fun work
 
Last edited:
And of course I went along with it despite not being comfortable with the idea. I do what I have to to make my husband happy.
I second FallenAngelina. What do you mean by "of course"?

If you do things you don't want to do for someone else's sake, you get yucky feelings. If that's the cause, there's probably no easy internal trick to circumvent that.
 
A bit of your dialogue about your husband has a sort of possessive codependency quality to it. When you say share your love I assume you mean your husband because your love for him is your own and not something anyone but you controls, him on the other hand... Isn't he in control of who HE shares himself with, otherwise this all sounds very... Noncensual.
 
Hello jealousjean,
Perhaps a few of these links will help:

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
Understanding jealousy
How do you achieve compersion?

Jealousy and Insecurity
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: "First Aid" for Jealousy
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Although, jealousy may not be the main problem here. Are you caught in an arrangement you did/do not consent to? If so, that's a big problem all by itself. Something to think about.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
jealousjean, welcome to the forum. As the old saying goes, "be careful what you wish for", right? It sounds like you may be bisexual as you say you had a crush on this female co-worker for a while, and suggested a threesome in order to have a little fun and satisfy that curiosity.

What you didn't foresee - and didn't really want, by the sounds of it - was that by indulging this fantasy, a whole new three-way relationship was born. I think the most important question here is did you actually agree willingly to this situation? Or did you give into your husband (and the other woman's?) wishes under duress?

Now, you call it a "triad", and mention that your husband and your "third" are romantically involved with each other - but you don't really specify whether or not you and this woman are also/still romantically involved. Does SHE have romantic and/or sexual feelings for YOU, as well as for your husband? Do YOU for HER?

Are you and the woman also intimate with each other, or has this morphed into a situation where their NRE (new relationship energy) has taken over and you and your third have lost interest in each other, or your jealousy makes it difficult for you to be intimate with her in a non-begrudging fashion?

I may have missed it in your post, but do you three all live together? If so, that's going to make this even harder to unravel, if you're having serious second thoughts and wanting your husband to cool it with the gf.

It can't be overstated that communication is of utmost importance when it comes to polyamorous relationships. Do you know where you stand with your husband now? It doesn't sound like you do. HAVE his feelings for YOU changed or diminished, or is he just caught up in the whirlwind of NRE? Do you know WHY he was so keen to strike up an actual relationship with this person very quickly, instead of being content with a threesome or some "playtime" every now and again - since bringing her into the relationship was your idea, initially. Did they also know each other beforehand, or was the threesome the first time they'd met?

I don't expect you to answer all these questions here in the forum. They're meant to be rhetorical food for thought, and possibly the basis of questions you need to ask your husband. I think it's imperative you get to the bottom of what is actually happening here and where it is heading. I say this because you seem to be fairly passive in the situation, and you have to remember this is YOUR life too. Not only your husband's wishes and desires count, and you shouldn't accede to situations you find objectionable or intolerable simply to keep HIM happy if YOU are not.
 
My husband is my world and the ONLY person I will ever love and the only person I want to be with.

Did you feel this way before you initiated the threesome, and if so, why the threesome? Did you have any hope/intention of developing a poly triad or a separate relationship with this woman when you did that? If not, then how did a one-time casual sexual encounter develop into a triad? Were there any ground rules in place before the threesome? Do you still want a relationship with the woman for yourself (only)?
 
Hm. I have to agree with lunabunny and I was wondering why no one else has mentioned it. Are you in love with her?

If not, you don’t have to be in a triad with her. From my point of view, being in a triad with a third that you don’t have feelings for is devastating. It does feel like you are sharing the “hinge”, because you are! You can start by asking to dissolve the triad maybe? But of course you will have to be ok with him dating her solo, it may sound harder but it can prove to be easier, trust me. Sometimes what you see doesn’t hurt you as much .

That said, if you truly believe that your man is your only love, than maybe poly isn’t meant for you so you have to figure that out . Or you have to accept that your husband is in to it. If he really is that is. Is it possible that he is just into this specific one and you feel that if you don’t accept the triad that will be the end of your relationship?
 
My husband is my world and the ONLY person I will ever love ...

I think your age might be a factor in interpreting this statement. "The only person I will ever love" is really not possible to know about yourself when you're under 50 or so. Most of us have felt this way at one time or another, only to live much more of life and discover that we can love again after all. If you're 60 or so, then this statement would hold water (with me, anyway.)

That's separate from knowing that you are monogamous and not into sharing your lover. If you're not into polyamory, don't torture yourself to be into it in attempts to hang onto your man.
 
Ok so here's an update on the original post. The three of us have sat down and talked about everything especially all of our feelings with what has been happening. Turns out that we all have had feelings f jealousy and being left out. I wasn't the only one. So we discussed it and I think we're working towards what we want.
I realized that after reading some of your replies that I may have been confusing with some of what I said. Both my husband and our third had met before the threesome happened. They were both attracted to each other but neither of them made a move. I initiated the threesome because I thought it would be fun and everyone would enjoy themselves. She and I connected right away and decided to start dating each other with my husbands "permission". I watched the connection that the two of them were trying to fight. My husband mentioned to me that he really liked her and didn't know if he liked the fact that I was dating and he was not. So with conversation with her we decided we would try. I love my husband and now I have fallen in love with her. I never knew that it was possible for someone to love two people but I do. Granted I don't love them equally and I don't even know if that's possible.
The talk we had the other night seemed to alleviate some of my questions. I was told by both of them that they love me and want me. She told me that she was happy with being with both of us but if it upsets me to see the two of them together she would back down. My husband told me that I was number one in his life and nothing would ever change that. He said that although he loves her I will never be replaced.
They apologized for sometimes making it seem that their relationship was more important. They got wrapped up in the NRE and didn't realize it. Then my husband voiced that he feels left out sometimes when it's just us two girls. We apologized.
I have since shown them this site and I think that my girlfriend is planning on making a profile. My husband has down research online about poly relationships and how to make everyone feel wanted and loved without neglecting one or the other. We have even started a "journal" of sorts to help the three of us communicate better with each other.
I know it isn't always going to be easy and a walk in the park. All relationships take work especially a poly relationship. But I love these two people and they love me and each other. We are determined to make it wok.
 
Hi jealousjean,

That sounds really hopeful; I'm glad you guys were able to talk and get some things aired out. I'm glad you introduced them to this forum, and would be pleased if your girlfriend makes a profile. Thanks for updating and clarifying.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Back
Top