More Christmas shopping last night, and now...I need to stop, and just be DONE. It's possible I've spent a bit more than I should have, but not enough to sink the ship, so I'm good. So I was on a mission to find a certain thing for Zen, and the store up on this end of town that I thought was a go-to for it, did not really have what I was looking for, though I found some other good things...they told me, however, they had another location where they sent items to be sold on clearance, a bit of a drive away, and suggested I check there. So last night I did that, and holy smokes did I hit the "awesome shit at awesome prices" jackpot. So I probably bought more for Zen than I really needed to, but I have no regrets.
So sometimes I mentally meander about, contemplating the struggles of humans, and particularly of men and women in the world of love and dating. And often enough I post about those thoughts. On the other forum I post at, I give a TON of relationship advice, which is a helpful exercise for me, because I'm still interested in going into psychology and sex/relationship counseling and I think there's a market for it in this town, so...I think it's a good move if I get to a point where I'm ready to make that leap. Scary to consider changing my entire employment strategy, because what I've been doing for like the last 17 years or so, has come to feel safe and comfortable. Sit at a desk, get a paycheck. But it's not fulfilling, and I've always known that. I've always carried the idea that one day if I can afford to take a risk, I want to go a different direction, into something I am passionate about. And the two areas that speak most clearly to me, are creativity and human work (psychology or networking or something.) Another thought I had, was that there is this thing called "rage rooms" where you can go and just smash stuff. Someone did this anyhow. I'm sure you'd have to liability waiver it half to death, so if a flying bit of smashed whatever impaled someone in the face you wouldn't get sued, but still. When I was a teenager, I used to go to thrift stores and buy really cheap glass and porcelain junk, and go to this spot in the woods where there was a big concrete culvert, storm sewer drain opening thing, like a wall of concrete basically, and it was already littered with beer bottles and trash everywhere...and I'd just throw those fragile things and smash them, and it was SO satisfying. I am now envisioning a therapy center that actually incorporates "rage rooms" where you can get some cathartic destruction out of your system somehow...to me, that sounds pretty cool. I dunno. It's a thought anyways.
But when I talk about this and that, I must say, I'm usually not talking about Zen. He is a refreshing relief from some of the struggles I see so many people living. I know it's only through decades of hard self-work that he became the man he is, but he has a kind of emotional wisdom sometimes that reminds me more of some women, than most men, that I've known. It's part of his magic, for me. And he holds this depth of self in such a way that, even though I see some of the things he says about his thinking and his choices as being more like women do...somehow it's never quite "feminine." It's just a way more chill, and mature, form of masculine. I think sometimes that too many dudes don't grasp that...for some of us, for me at least...blustering around fucking shit up doesn't come across as manly, but childish. A higher form of reasoned behavior and self control is as manly as can be. Because a real man, a proper well-seasoned (and often older, I guess) man...is someone who above all, can be RESPECTED. And I respect Zen in really profound ways, like there are times I'm nearly in awe of him, when I think about some of the stuff he says and does.
So Reverie shared this, and I don't believe Zen would have one moment's difficulty in understanding the value of friendship between men and women, but it's one of those subjects I actually have to work to get other guys to comprehend...
This thing right here. ...and it had already come across my Facebook feed, too, and I thought, "Wow. Yes, this sums it up, and connects with a lot of thoughts I've had." (Although disclaimer: I still don't prefer to use the "feminist" label nor affiliated buzzwords...I prefer to discuss concepts without framing them as such.) But what connected for me, was not only the obvious point of the message, but also the personal matter of how I feel about being with an older man. I had a guy ask not long ago, "Aren't you afraid to die alone?" Me? No. I am not. Never have been. Part of that is just modeling my Aunt Jeanette, as she was a widow for I'd guess about 20 years at the end of her life, but she wasn't lonely. She had many friends and a lot of social and emotional support, and at the end, she simply had a much younger friend and neighbor willing to take up the task of administering her affairs and estate. So while her partner was long gone and she never had children, she was not alone at all. And she really lived, in those last decades, traveling, volunteering, and engaging in philanthropy. She would take random college classes to explore any interest that popped into her life. She was an amazing woman, until dementia took her down. But that's just the thing...I know, because of who I am, that there is a high likelihood I will have many friends around me, because I don't like living in a little bubble. I want to keep on engaging the world and my chosen "tribe" in a pretty big way, for my whole life. So I will be very sad and I'm sure it won't be easy to lose Zen one day...but I believe I can survive that. However, the thought of subjecting him to the grief of losing me? Oh, no. No, no, no. That simply won't do. And on that note, I really really need to take better care of myself and stop smoking, like, for good. Soon.
To to segue somewhat appropriately into health matters. Finally, FINALLY, my sinus problems I've had for over a year seem to be diminishing and clearing up. I actually have days now, where I do not taste or smell a sort of funk, behind my face, for at least a while in the middle of the day, which was a miserable thing to deal with. My body seems to finally be defeating whatever the heck that was. But in the last couple of days, though, my thyroid has started to hurt again. Intriguingly, and I need to go back through my blog to get an idea of the exact timing...it was about this time last year, I am pretty sure, that I had my initial round of dealing with that. It hurt, I stressed about the possibility of cancer or of having to get a needle aspiration done (ugh) and there was an ultrasound my insurance did not pay for that got chucked on the wagon of my bankruptcy because I didn't have a few hundred bucks sitting around...and at the end, the answer I got was one they could have arrived at with blood tests only, which was, "Actually this isn't that bad. It's not cancer, and you have subclinical hypothyroid, so if you ever feel CRUSHING FATIGUE, come see me and we'll put you on drugs." Mmmmkayyy... Now at this point, I don't know if I need a new doctor, because I don't know, if I incur new charges, and pay a new bill, if they will take my money and apply it to the old defaulted bill and charge/collect on the new one until the old one is paid and the new one, too. I don't know if they'd just refuse me service unless I paid the old bill. I have no idea what they can or cannot do. I should probably call my lawyer and see what his thoughts are. It's not optimal that I don't know if I can keep seeing the same doctor, or if I need to find a new one or what. All I know is that when I was in the process of bankruptcy, they kept sending me bills, and when I called to inform them that this bill was included in a bankruptcy, I was told "Well you'd better pay it, we're about to send it to collections" and she didn't seem to understand that this was ILLEGAL that they were trying to keep collecting on it like that. Stupid. Anyways. So my thyroid pain last year resolved itself with no real intervention but some expensive testing that did not, in retrospect, seem all that necessary. And I am thinking maybe it will go that way again, so if I don't have any other symptoms, I'll try and ride it out. I did have a lot of mucus moving through my lungs and throat and all, as my sinus problems were going on and I had a cold, and I wonder if that just caused some inflammation in there that I'm feeling as pressure on my thyroid because of where it's at. Could be. But if that discomfort weren't annoying enough, I also today have a mystery pain in my left knee that keeps ouching me when I try to stand, sit, walk. It feels nearly like my kneecap is off-kilter or something. Part of getting older, I assume, stuff just hurting for no good reason. *sigh* I have informed my body to cut this shit out, as I do not have time for it, so I very much hope that it all just goes away soon. Stupid body. Stupid...whatever...stuff. Grr.
Tonight...wrapping gifts! And if I am a lucky woman, Zen will get off work in time that I may have a chance to spend some time with him, which I would like very much. This time of year is stressful and crazy with his job though, so I know there are no guarantees...