The story of Spork.

I wonder if there is an actual reason they all go to voicemail. Like maybe if you have a phone person for a counselor's office, the clients try to spill their guts to them or give them a hard time or tie them up on the phones or something, maybe having a human who answers the phone is unworkable in practice for some reason, so they use the VM system to screen calls?

The therapist I went to back in Florida actually didn't have a receptionist at all. He made his own appointments by responding to voicemails. Maybe some of them are like that?
 
The therapist I went to back in Florida actually didn't have a receptionist at all. He made his own appointments by responding to voicemails. Maybe some of them are like that?

Could be. Well, the psychiatrist is booked until February, and others aren't much better, but I got a hold of a talk therapist type person who can see him sooner, so that will do for a start. And he'll be starting his private lessons on his viola soon, and that will be another good thing. I can't afford the weekly lessons he wants, but I can do the biweekly ones. Again...it's something.

I had a tentative plan for a bar-social activity tonight, but I'm not really wanting to go now. I think it will be a good thing to have an evening at home. Last night I checked in with Q and he was doing ok, had me run and grab him some fast food for dinner that he wanted, and told me he was otherwise fine and did not mind if I wasn't home. I don't feel like he's in immediate and severe danger of harming himself, and I get the impression that the crisis center sort of place we went to, they didn't think so either, or they would have pressed to keep him there a few days. I think it's just a general warning flag that has been waved, and steps need to be taken. So we're taking steps. I'm going to make more of an effort to push him to engage in conversation with me every day, instead of letting him blow me off and just leaving him be. But I felt alright to go to the midweek party with Zen, so we did that. And I'm glad, because I was able to hook Jersey up with a volunteer opportunity that fits him well, and because I needed some good bonding time with Zen. He keeps me ok when stuff is hard to deal with, and it means the world to me.

Q decided, since we've all watched Stranger Things now, to inform me that Zen reminds him of Bob. I think that Zen is quite a bit sharper and darker and more deeply philosophical than Bob, but I guess I can see it...somewhat. He is no Samwell Gamgee, that's for sure. But the role at least in Stranger Things...well you know, those two could have been getting some kinky stuff on and the kids would not have known, so alright. Zen says he likes the actor and doesn't mind the comparison. I think it's a little funny.

You never really know what people are under the surface anyhow if they don't let you in. I've said it before, but I would not have guessed at all the great stuff Zen has going on, if I'd met him on the street. Some people kinda blend. We've got a lawyer who goes to Voodoo, he sometimes comes in his lawyer clothes, sometimes in full leather, and he came to the Holiday themed party in the silliest elf suit you ever saw. He says he chafes at how women in courtrooms have all of these great clothing options, but he's restricted to shirt and slacks, or suit and tie, and so he wears a hot pink thong under his professional attire sometimes, just to rebel a bit. So...ya never know... lol

We got a little bit of snow, just enough to ice up some places on the roads this morning. I came in to work just a little late, because I was being cautious, but maybe it wasn't necessary. By the time I was out on the road, it wasn't bad. I hate winter driving. It freaks me out. I'm always really careful. I know people who just shrug off the idea of going out of control or getting in a wreck even, like it's not a big deal. Well in my world it is a big deal; it's goddamn unacceptable is what it is. I don't want to lose control of my minivan for even a moment. Nobody needs a big vehicle careening out of control on ice. And I'm not confident of my ability to recover safely if I'm sliding. I'd rather be that slow idiot that everyone's cussing at and going around. Screw 'em.
 
Q decided, since we've all watched Stranger Things now, to inform me that Zen reminds him of Bob. I think that Zen is quite a bit sharper and darker and more deeply philosophical than Bob, but I guess I can see it...somewhat. He is no Samwell Gamgee, that's for sure. But the role at least in Stranger Things...well you know, those two could have been getting some kinky stuff on and the kids would not have known, so alright. Zen says he likes the actor and doesn't mind the comparison. I think it's a little funny.

He actually ended up being one of my favorite characters because they made him a little complex; at first, they painted him as just kind of a dorky guy, but as the season went on, you got to see how he was romantic, highly intelligent, calm in the face of danger, mentally flexible enough to accept seriously weird shit, and ultimately quite brave.
 
He actually ended up being one of my favorite characters because they made him a little complex; at first, they painted him as just kind of a dorky guy, but as the season went on, you got to see how he was romantic, highly intelligent, calm in the face of danger, mentally flexible enough to accept seriously weird shit, and ultimately quite brave.

I think the bit that makes me hesitate to draw any similarity there, is that Sean Astin has this face that says "mostly harmless." He seems so...sweet and innocent. Like even moments where he's gotten angry, it's just kind of cute.

Zen's energy is a bit more intense than that.

I mean, can you imagine Bob administering a flogging? I can't. But I guess if you took something of the energy of a handsome-Devil character (I like Al Pacino in "The Devil's Advocate" as an example of this) and painted it over Bob, you might come close. Zen looks better in a sharp suit.

But the thing about the character being far more complex and interesting than you would guess at first, yeah. That part works.
 
And I know that projecting my own crap (whether my manipulative teenage behavior, or my refusal to be jerked around by my ex's manipulative behavior) onto my son's experience...it's not right. It's bullshit.

You nailed it. My cousin tried to commit suicide and while she was still in the hospital my mother was telling everyone she was 'just trying to get attention.' Maybe some people are manipulating by threatening suicide, but most people are genuinely hurting when they say these things.

It seems from what you write that you feel about kids as my mother did. I grew up feeling I was a burden and an intrusion on her life, and that she'd rather not be bothered with me. As a result, I have no relationship with her now. Is this what you want with your boys? What sort of relationships do you hope to have with them ten or twenty years from now?

I am curious. As much as you've talked about how you can't wait until they grow up and leave home, why are they not with Old Wolf?

Kids pick up on our feelings about them. You speak of having a spreadsheet, of knowing exactly how long until Q turns 18 and leaves home. How do you think it impacts him to know his mother is counting the days until he leaves?
 
You nailed it. My cousin tried to commit suicide and while she was still in the hospital my mother was telling everyone she was 'just trying to get attention.' Maybe some people are manipulating by threatening suicide, but most people are genuinely hurting when they say these things.

It seems from what you write that you feel about kids as my mother did. I grew up feeling I was a burden and an intrusion on her life, and that she'd rather not be bothered with me. As a result, I have no relationship with her now. Is this what you want with your boys? What sort of relationships do you hope to have with them ten or twenty years from now?

I am curious. As much as you've talked about how you can't wait until they grow up and leave home, why are they not with Old Wolf?

Kids pick up on our feelings about them. You speak of having a spreadsheet, of knowing exactly how long until Q turns 18 and leaves home. How do you think it impacts him to know his mother is counting the days until he leaves?

He does not know that I count the days or have a spreadsheet, you think I would tell him that? I love my kids, and we were EXTREMELY closely bonded and I gave them ALL of my top prioritization, time, and energy as they were children. It's only since they've gone through adolescence and started seeming to want some space from me that I've let things get a bit more...then a bit more...then a lot more...distant, compared to how it used to be.

Like at first, they'd want more freedom to go into the neighborhood to play with friends. I would let them, but with rules and all. As they got older, they wanted less of my time and more of their space. We adjusted. But all of things the way they stand pretty much came about with the chaos of my marriage to their Dad falling apart. Since every time I was at home, I was in the garage with him, chain smoking and listening to his ranting, I felt like it was killing me. But circumstances prevented me from making a quick exit from that household. I won't repeat the entire story, it's in my blog already, I started this blog just a couple of months before I moved out. I tried to keep it as amicable as I could (and keep his crazy de-escalated) but it was not easy. So during that time, I was somewhat often absent from the household, spending time with new friends and "chosen family" and all, because they were my support network that kept my own mental health stable.

Why don't they live with their Dad? Well, possibly because he is a drunk and an addict, has been abusive to all of us in the past, and lives currently, unemployed on his disability check in a camper parked in his drinking buddy's driveway...?

I do not treat my kids like a burden. The way I post here and the way I talk to them isn't always the same. I use this blog to vent my thoughts in ways I would not talk to my kids, generally. I don't just spew out every thought that pops into my head, I do try to control myself.

What frustrates me is that on the one hand, I've got my ex who was miserable, is miserable, and made me miserable, and my kids who have zero interest in most of the fun things I try to get them into, and if asked "well, what are you interested in, what would YOU like to do?" the best answer they have for me is "video games." They resent it when I'm not at home, but when I am, they don't want anything to do with me necessarily. They just want me to sit there so they know I'm home, I guess.

On the other hand, I've got a community full of wonderful people, relationships that make me feel loved, appreciated, and healthy. People who are thrilled when I show up.

But I feel like it's monstrously selfish to even make my own happiness even a part-time priority. I am not allowed to have both. I'm allowed to be a devoted Mom who pretends to be happy, or a happy person who is selfish and neglectful of her kids. It doesn't matter if it's one or two nights a week I'm taking part in my community...nor if I go out of my way to provide everything the kid wants or to try and spend time with him...the only things that count are what counts against me. And the worst thing of all is that I dare find anything BUT serving their needs, to be fulfilling at all. That's what being a proper Mom entails, like it's all or nothing.

You can't be a Mom and also place any importance on your own needs. That's the message I get. And it sucks. A mother's identity is supposed to revolve around that role and nothing else, forever.

That is not what I wanted for myself. Should I have aborted my first son instead of bearing him? No, I don't think so. I hope one day the boys will understand that I'm a human being, and that I tried to strike some kind of a balance. And if they can't, and we end up with no relationship when they are adults, then damn...so be it.

But as we talk about projection, don't project your own situation on mine. They aren't the same. I haven't been treating my kids like a burden, but there does come a point with a teenager who won't be talked to about anything he's doing wrong (such as trying cigarettes or vapes with his friends, staying up all night, not eating right, failing in school, skipping classes) and demands every whim he has be met immediately, where SOMETHING has to be said to him. How in the hell do you parent a kid when any time you try to correct his course, even gently, he blows a gasket and says "You're just trying to make me feel bad and want to kill myself"...? Gonna say that's not manipulative? Sure looks manipulative to me. And letting him treat me that way, I'm afraid, really sets a bad example for how one is supposed to treat other people later on in life.

I don't want him to end up doing like his Dad, where if I stopped at the store on the way home and my phone was dead, the minute I charged it, after getting home an hour later than I'd planned, I'd have 38 texts and 12 voicemails getting progressively more angry and desperate, accusing me of cheating because I wasn't answering my phone and he didn't know where I was, and finally threatening to kill himself or throw my clothes in the street or set the house on fire. His Dad used to act that way. I ended that relationship. And if my son wants to treat me like that, I won't be working to keep him in my life longer than I must.

To be perfectly honest, I think that maybe what a Mom tries to do right by a son only matters so much. Ultimately the male role model has more weight after a point. It doesn't seem to matter to them that their Dad ended up so miserable, every word that falls from his lips is treated like gold, and nothing I say seems to matter.

Reverie...I hope you're paying attention. Raising kids is FUCKING HARD.

And my kids really aren't that bad, for teenagers. They aren't running around with a gang. They aren't getting into fights, or vanishing, or having sex or doing drugs or getting drunk. They aren't physically attacking me (you'd be surprised how many out of control teen boys I've known who actually beat up their Moms and both of mine are bigger than me now.) As hard as all this is, I know how much worse it could be.
 
So yeah, reading that, I know that it's easy to sense my frustration, possibly even a bit of anger, at the whole situation.

But you would have to know me, to know that I'm a very emotionally steady human, in person. I don't display stuff like this. In fact, I can be sitting here typing away furiously, and not speak a word to anyone all day, nor necessarily act in a way that would lead others to ask, "what's wrong?" Some people are very emotionally demonstrative, I am generally not. Unless I'm being deliberately over the top silly or something. The heavy stuff, I usually sit quietly on, process, chew to death, and eventually find the right words to communicate rationally and with total calm.

The most common thing that "people" will say is that your kids know and notice everything, even when you think they don't. That's not true. No one in my household knew that I was silently unhappy in my marriage, not in love with my husband, for most of our 18 years. He didn't know it, and the kids didn't know it. Of course after the fact we look at this differently. I see it as a sacrificing of my own needs, which I did for a good reason, trying to keep a "happy" home and give my kids a good childhood. My ex and my kids on the other hand see it as I cannot be trusted now, because I was lying and all of their happiness was a lie.

I guess people would prefer you act like a harpy if that's what you feel, rather than have self control for the sake of others?

Oh but then that's not ok either. Ah well, if I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't, and every problem of my ex or my kids will be laid upon my doorstep, then I might as well be the selfish terrible slut they all believe me to be, and go to parties and enjoy my life as I may. I'll be responsible for everything that goes wrong for them regardless, if none of them can grow up and take control of their own lives, but prefer to sit around gloomily, looking for who and what is to blame.
 
For what it's worth, I think you're doing the best you can with a difficult situation. It's a fairy tale to pretend that patents never resent their kids, or that just because you are frustrated, you don't also love them or are incapable of looking to their needs first. It's not rational to expect you to have absolutely no negative feelings about having to put your own needs and enjoyments second. I also feel that quote was entirely divorced from its context, in which you WERE and ARE actively trying to get your son some mental health help. Wishing you the best.
 
Reverie...I hope you're paying attention. Raising kids is FUCKING HARD.

I'm paying attention. Also, one of my favorite friends posted this on Facebook yesterday:

"Teenagers are the universe's way of ensuring that you aren't a sad empty nester. I get it now. Tuck and roll kids. 😂 😭 😬"

She step-parents two teenagers (a senior and a sophomore) and has one bio kid on the cusp of becoming one. She tells me even "the good one" of the teenagers is still sullen, moody, and makes her life hell occasionally. The less good one has required professional intervention more than once. I know she sometimes counts down the days till they're both out of the house. Though she also expresses wistfulness and melancholy about it too, sometimes.

I know I was a mixed bag, myself, when I was a teenager. I did "bad stuff" (soft drugs, drinking, lots of sex, some shoplifting, and I ran away and lived under a bridge one time under the influence of a boyfriend), but I always stayed in the top 5% of my class, skipped school only once, was generally pretty respectful (i.e., I never cursed at my mom and rarely raised my voice), never did anything really bad, crime-wise, never drove drunk, and I stayed away from the hard drugs that took down so many of my friends. I think that, overall, I was a pretty good kid.

But I look back at some of the attitude and entitlement I had, and I cringe. I've apologized to my mom for all of that more than once, lol.
 
It seems from what you write that you feel about kids as my mother did. I grew up feeling I was a burden and an intrusion on her life, and that she'd rather not be bothered with me. As a result, I have no relationship with her now. Is this what you want with your boys? What sort of relationships do you hope to have with them ten or twenty years from now?

I am curious. As much as you've talked about how you can't wait until they grow up and leave home, why are they not with Old Wolf?

Kids pick up on our feelings about them. You speak of having a spreadsheet, of knowing exactly how long until Q turns 18 and leaves home. How do you think it impacts him to know his mother is counting the days until he leaves?

Sorry that your mother was so shitty to you, I can't imagine what that's like. I also get and agree with what you say about kids tracking parental feelings however respectfully disagree with some of the conclusions you drew from the post. As a parent myself, I read Spork's entry completely differently- venting in a safe space about the difficulties of parenting a teen, including the feelings being fed up at times. Two weeks ago I had a really trying situation with my 16 and 19 year old. If I had the time to blog here, I guarantee I would have written about my frustration with the 19 year old.

What got me about your post is that while I don't think it was your intent, it struck me as mom-shaming. Certainly you had questions but there was also a little moralizing in there. I can't say how it is everywhere but at least from what I've witnessed, the emotional and private labor burden incumbent of raising children disproportionately falls on women, regardless of the family structure. Reasons for this are various and sundry but the bottom line is it's unfair. Worst part about it though? As soon as a woman questions it or expresses feelings other than being 100% on board with this arrangement, someone pops out of the woodwork to tell her she's failing as a woman and mother or warn her that she'll fuck her kids up.

When I was a single parent with two young children, I'd have moments of intense frustration and being fed up with it. When I would vent to friends I never once heard anything other than "it's a tough situation, I'm sure you're doing the best you can." Honestly, I don't know if I was. I'd never expected to be a single parent, often felt like I didn't know what the heck I was doing, and I definitely made mistakes but hey, I'm male so who would expect anything else from me so I deserved a pat on the back just for showing up.

You asked why they weren't with their father yet you didn't ask, "why isn't he the one calling every therapist on the insurance plan" or "why didn't he take the kid to the crisis center?" Did it even cross your mind to ask? My guess is no because you implicitly assumed it's solely Spork's responsibility to do this. So the question I would be asking is "would he even be emotionally reliable enough for them to live with when he's not even helping make a therapy appointment?"

Once again, I am sorry that your mother treated you the way she did but I never read anything from Spork that would make me think she treats her kids that way. Also, what's wrong with wanting them out of the nest? I had the opposite of your experience- my mom pressured me into to staying longer than I might have and in the end, I wish she hadn't since it was more about her need to have someone in the house rather than "what's good for my child?" I think it's super helpful to have your parents expect you to begin living as an adult sooner rather than later.
 
With regard to kids becoming adults, leaving the nest, "launching" (or failing to) as they call this now:

So for much of their lives I told them that I expected to be raising boys who would be able to do for themselves, grow up and leave home and not need to fall back into Mom's basement as adults. My ex said, "I will be there for you when your girlfriend breaks up with you and your heart is broken and you have nowhere else to go when she threw you out. Come back home and drink a beer with me, because I have been there." My response to that is, "If one of my sons and his girlfriend breaks up, who's to say she's throwing HIM out? That is quite an assumption." I want them to stand on their own feet, though of course for emotional support and all I am there... Mostly what I do NOT want any part of, is a situation I've seen in many families where the young adult kid starts a tumultuous and ill-advised youthful relationship, makes babies, but can't yet support them, so Grandma to the rescue, she's done raising her own kids and now she can raise her son's kids. FUCK. THAT. I am explicitly not available to raise any further children at this time. So as my sons have contemplated early dating experiences, I've told them, "#1 rule. Don't get her pregnant. I don't care what you have to do...just don't get her pregnant."

(We've had plenty of safer sex talks, but that is the Prime Directive I've repeated over and over.)

And yet my oldest son turned 18 last March, and despite always telling them I wanted them to move out once they were old enough, I've continued to house him and try to hold his hand and walk him through some steps to getting his act together. He still has to learn to drive (we're actively working on that) and get his first job, and raise money for a car, move out, go to college. The specific program he wants to do is across town, or he could start sooner, but as it stands that's the order I think is wisest. We have an idea what career he's shooting for (welding) and we have a plan. It's just taking a little time. I'm ok with this. No one could have foreseen before it happened, that the bad times involving the divorce would hit...and given that he had little parental support for a while there, I won't quibble about giving him some extra support and time now.

Am I still frustrated when he hoards dirty dishes in his room? Yes! When he won't wash his laundry and he smells bad? Yes! When he rages out at his video games and yells profanity and bangs on stuff? Hell yes! I'm on his ass every day about these things. But I am not throwing him out in the street, even though he's old enough that I could.

And I felt pretty wistful, or melancholy, at my younger son's last orchestra concert, that one day I won't get to be the proud Mom sitting there for these anymore...I love those experiences. I love my sons' smiles, or when one of us manages to find the right way to hit the humor button and get them laughing. I adore my sons.

And I am glad I have the ability to buffer my feelings and not just express them, because what I said about projection...I could think that, feel that impulse, but know instinctively how wrong it is, and CHECK MYSELF before I say anything hurtful. I should never be punishing my son for how his father treated me, and I have to be mindful of when he is triggering emotional bombs planted in my by my ex, and keep myself under control until I've mentally edited out all of the reactions that are unfair and wrong. That is really, really, hard to do...but it's the task I have, here.

And Old Wolf and I have talked about this, and he's been working to keep his own impulses in check and not say things he shouldn't, to the boys, too. He's been fairly rational and reasonable lately...though I know not to wager on that being reliably the case.
 
Sorry that your mother was so shitty to you, I can't imagine what that's like. I also get and agree with what you say about kids tracking parental feelings however respectfully disagree with some of the conclusions you drew from the post. As a parent myself, I read Spork's entry completely differently- venting in a safe space about the difficulties of parenting a teen, including the feelings being fed up at times. Two weeks ago I had a really trying situation with my 16 and 19 year old. If I had the time to blog here, I guarantee I would have written about my frustration with the 19 year old.

What got me about your post is that while I don't think it was your intent, it struck me as mom-shaming. Certainly you had questions but there was also a little moralizing in there. I can't say how it is everywhere but at least from what I've witnessed, the emotional and private labor burden incumbent of raising children disproportionately falls on women, regardless of the family structure. Reasons for this are various and sundry but the bottom line is it's unfair. Worst part about it though? As soon as a woman questions it or expresses feelings other than being 100% on board with this arrangement, someone pops out of the woodwork to tell her she's failing as a woman and mother or warn her that she'll fuck her kids up.

When I was a single parent with two young children, I'd have moments of intense frustration and being fed up with it. When I would vent to friends I never once heard anything other than "it's a tough situation, I'm sure you're doing the best you can." Honestly, I don't know if I was. I'd never expected to be a single parent, often felt like I didn't know what the heck I was doing, and I definitely made mistakes but hey, I'm male so who would expect anything else from me so I deserved a pat on the back just for showing up.

You asked why they weren't with their father yet you didn't ask, "why isn't he the one calling every therapist on the insurance plan" or "why didn't he take the kid to the crisis center?" Did it even cross your mind to ask? My guess is no because you implicitly assumed it's solely Spork's responsibility to do this. So the question I would be asking is "would he even be emotionally reliable enough for them to live with when he's not even helping make a therapy appointment?"

Once again, I am sorry that your mother treated you the way she did but I never read anything from Spork that would make me think she treats her kids that way. Also, what's wrong with wanting them out of the nest? I had the opposite of your experience- my mom pressured me into to staying longer than I might have and in the end, I wish she hadn't since it was more about her need to have someone in the house rather than "what's good for my child?" I think it's super helpful to have your parents expect you to begin living as an adult sooner rather than later.

This is one of those subjects where I have so many thoughts.

When Q had his crisis at school, I did call and tell his Dad, because I believe his Dad needs to be in the loop. And so long as he's not a psychological mess himself, he can sometimes reach them, and he did wind up talking to Q on the phone later. His Dad did not ask if I wanted him to go pick him up, or take him to the crisis center. I left work to do it, as I just assumed without even thinking, that I would do. The last time we had an issue where Q got in trouble at school and I called and asked his Dad if he'd go get him, he said, "I just got out of bed, I would need to shower, get dressed, and drink my coffee first, and it'll be over an hour before I'd even be ready to go anywhere." So I left work and handled it. If it's in the evening and one of the boys needs something? Old Wolf is generally drunk or high or both, and cannot drive. It was like that when we were together too, though. We'd do anything like shooting pool on our league or D&D with his friends...he'd be wasted, I'd be sober to drive. Good thing I don't like alcohol anyways. But I did gripe to another of the wives who was in a similar situation with her husband at pool one night, "It sucks always having to be the adult, just on principle."

Now? He doesn't even work, but he's often not available. He takes the boys on Saturdays down for D&D with his buddies, and drives them back afterwards, and he sends me $300/month in support (voluntarily, not court ordered) and that's pretty much the sum of his obligation. Oh, he does also help with Ninja's driving lessons sometimes. That's been pretty good.

But see, he can do that, and spend otherwise every night of the week getting drunk with his friend, and he's a great Dad.

And I can come home every night and check in with the boys, make sure they are eating, tell them to pick up their rooms, remind them of plans, make sure they are doing alright and see if they want to talk about anything, wake Q up every morning and make sure he gets to school, take them for any needful appointments, keep their home clean, sometimes cook for them, plan holidays, and spend at least a few hours every weekend trying to engage them for a hike or a movie or something...

But if I go out to a discussion group on Thursday and a party Saturday night, I'm a selfish monster who is neglecting her children.

And if you go back a bit... This post here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=376016&postcount=1186

There is a link in there, and some thoughts I had on it... In that article, the woman actually writes about creative men who commit acts of sexual misconduct, and women who commit the basic crime of selfishness required to do creative work, as though they are the same. It was an odd parallel to try and make, but underneath the clutter of words was an idea so powerful to me, speaking to something I'd felt almost my entire life, that I was stunned by this piece of writing.

It's... Men can do bad stuff. Sometimes really bad stuff. And still be given all the benefit of the doubt, other men will argue on their behalf, stand up for them. Or take an interest in their motivations, help excuse them.

But a woman who does not actively do harm, generate something truly negative, by simply withholding or failing to deliver the utmost positive, in kindness, prettiness, nurturing, whatever...she is doing evil, doing harm.

A woman's neglect is considered far worse, than a man's abuse.

A woman who doesn't give the right kind and amount of positive loving attention to her husband and/or kids, let alone if she should give it to anyone else...is judged more harshly by some, than a man who beats, tortures, rapes or kills someone.

My ex used to tell me I was a lucky woman and I should have appreciated him because he didn't beat me up. And boy there were times he wanted to punch me in the mouth, but wasn't I so lucky he had a little self control.

It's all part of this idea, that I haven't really worked out all the bugs and details about yet, this feeling I have had all my life. I've rebelled against it...I've resigned myself and accepted it...I've argued with it...I've lived with it...I'm tired of it.
 
Start at the beginning, Spork...

Friday. I dragged Zen to my company Christmas party. The food was good, but we were limited to pretty small portions, the whole thing was underwhelming. I'm on the committee that plans these things, and I've told other coworkers...our budget got cut, and this was the best we could do, which is nothing but the truth. But Zen and I found ourselves at a table with a woman that I am nice to, but I don't like. To the point that I have not allocated brain cell resources to remembering her name, although I see her every day (we're both smokers.) She is all about being a "good Christian" and she has a lot of judgment for her transgender...daughter or granddaughter?...I can't recall. She voted Trump, and to put the cherry on the "I really can't stand you" sundae, she told me she firmly believes it's best to declaw cats. So I am not a fan of her. Really not. And there we were.

We stayed exactly long enough to eat food, and I did a stupid thing of going outside to smoke with this woman, and left Zen alone at the table...and she had been drinking so she would not shut up about this and that, and finally I extricated myself and returned to my love and we got outta there.

Cleansed our palates with a few hours down at Voodoo for Game Night, playing Cards Against Humanity with some nice folks.

Saturday, we had some vague plans to do some photography, but we didn't get around to that. Once the boys were gone, we went out to eat, and then lay around watching some TV while our bellies processed a good meal, had some sex and then went to the BDSM party going on at the club. That was also good, as there were old friends, middling friends I'm still getting to know, and new friends alike there and it was a great group...the social bit was excellent, and the scene that Zen and I did was wonderful and we had at least one person who was interested enough to be a committed audience, and I've been talking to her and I like her. Just generally a good night.

Yesterday though.

I met up with Old Wolf at a coffee shop near my home. I was wondering what he wanted to get advice from me about. He...wants to learn how to be a Dom and explore power exchange relationships. But. ~Not~ that "whips and chains stuff" that I'm into but tying someone up and doing kinky things to and with them. (I am thinking, "like porn.") Well, talk about an uncomfortable conversation. Truly he is desperate and wants only to feel wanted, adored, and hopes that getting into the BDSM community will give him a path to that. But it is so, so unlikely. There are so many reasons that this is a bad idea, in terms of the person he is and how I really question if he can do this in a healthy way. Hell, I question if he can do a basic relationship of any kind in a healthy way, let alone a power exchange one. But as it happens, I know if I let the matter stew in my mind a bit and then start writing, a concept will emerge that crystallizes how I feel into "the right words."

We had an agreement, that I would not intrude on his social space and he would not intrude upon mine. I'd stay out of his pool leagues (and not press for active friendships with our former mutual friends, for that matter, some of whom I actually miss) and that he would stay away from Voodoo. When we first met up yesterday, he said, "I know we had an agreement, but that can be renegotiated or scrapped, whatever." ??? Yeah, so when HE is the one who has a need or want pushing him to break this, then no biggie, we can toss whatever we said before, surely I'll be fine with that.

I'm not fine with that. And that precisely is part of the significant THING that tells me he'd struggle in our community. We placed BOUNDARIES for our own ability to both live in the same city and go on with our lives without being chained to our pasts or having drama of sharing the same social circles. And now he is disrespecting those boundaries, and expecting me to just be fine with that. I'm not fine with that. And having no sense of other people's boundaries or how to respect them, is part of that mindset he's got that makes him unsuitable to the kink scene. He has no authentic respect for the boundaries of other people. Period.

He also has no empathy, a fact he doesn't hesitate to admit, but he says he's sure he can make up for it by understanding and analyzing data, watching another person to make sure they're enjoying stuff. He says you can learn as analytical skill what you lack in natural empathy, and it will work just as well. I...don't really think so. Because it's not some "woo woo" ability to feel another person's feelings we are talking about here. It's more the ability to CARE enough to put yourself in someone else's shoes and think about where they're coming from, what they might be thinking or feeling...and to do it for reasons other than deliberately manipulating them to get what you want. THAT is what he lacks. He's just saying he's learned to fake it in a way that might convince some people. Well I knew as much.

Yet...despite my belief that this is a thing that can go nowhere good, and my serious wish to have him stay away from Voodoo (I recommended that he go to a couple other possible places I know of, but told him there was one thing, the Doms' discussion group, and I don't go on that night, perhaps he could gain some insight there...but asked him to otherwise stay out of Voodoo, as it would be intensely uncomfortable for both of us if he determined to try and be part of that community.) I am conflicted in that I ask myself... If he grew, if he healed, if he changed for the better, would I see it? Or would I only see the man who hurt me? Can I be objective where he is concerned? Can I give kind advice as my nature tells me to do...in a way that is fair? Am I judging this situation right? In a way, saying perhaps he could go to the Doms' group...I hope that someone might be able to respond more fairly and if I'm right and this is a bad idea, tell him so from an unbiased perspective. I could be wrong. Odds are no one would say that to him. I just wish someone would give me a more objective opinion on him, because I no longer really trust my own.

So. That meeting was...uncomfortable in the extreme.

After that, I took the boys to see the Star Wars movie. Kylo reminds me of half the boys I banged in high school, in his moody brooding emo-ness with his pouty chin and black hair. And at one point I felt like, "Alright, why don't you two just get it on? Oh wait. Kids/family movie. OK, guess you'll try to dismember each other instead, because that is SO much better. You know I'm glad, we can count on there always being some rebellious rascals in scrappy robes to protect us from the horrors of a black and red decorating scheme. That's nice." Also if anyone is familiar with GWAR things, it seems Skulhedface is in this movie, so that's cool I guess.

(For those who aren't...here: Skulhedface It's an androgynous GWAR villain from a movie they made a long time ago. Snoke from Star Wars reminds me of some cross between that, and maybe like Gollum or something.)

After I took the boys for bagels and then to the movie (always fill up your belly elsewhere first since snack prices at the theater are horrific) I dropped them off at home and ran back down to Voodoo, knowing that there was Hypnosis group going on. I have little interest in Hypno, but I was needing to be there...kind of reset my energy after dealing with Old Wolf in the morning. Fortunately Fire and another friend were spending time outside of the class, and I was able to just hang out with them and eventually I felt fairly recalibrated. Zen and I watched the season finale of Dirk Gently last night (such a weird show, but we like it) and then it was bedtime.

Mission for today and tomorrow: Finish all Christmas shopping. I got some online ordering done, but I need to do what part of it involves visiting physical stores, which I'd put off... Time to knock that out.
 
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I just met real life Santa.

I went to Walmart on my lunch to get some Christmas stuff for my boys, and I was standing there trying to shop and this little old guy (said he was 80) was explaining to me which were the best paints for the price and how he makes toys. Old guy with a long white and silver beard on one of the little motor carts, talking about how he makes little wooden cars and stuff for kids. I swear.

I love old people. Really. Wish I weren't in such a hurry, I would have talked to him longer, he clearly just wanted some interaction, and he was adorable. But the clock stops for no Spork, and I was in haste...
 
I went and did some Christmas shopping after work yesterday. And I spent quite a bit of money and I was somewhat stressed about that, because I needed to reckon up my finances (exactly how much did I spend? Will this make me short on living expenses within the next few weeks? Did I just screw myself?) ... but this morning, I did get my spreadsheets going and in fact, I am fine, and as long as I keep my spending sane for a while, we're going to be just fine. Yay!

Shower time ruminations this morning, there was an article on Facebook where a woman was talking about how sad it was to her, that when she was a child, she could be unclothed and it was pure simple fun. Gardening or swimming in a creek, shirt off, no one "looking at her like that" and feeling like her body belonged to herself and no one else. And how puberty brought her huge breasts that instantly changed how she had to interact with the world around her. Men yelling things at her all the time, even once when she was wearing a heavy winter coat and carrying a large potted plant down the sidewalk to her car. Just constant unwanted attention. And the feeling it was not about love, or sex even, just about men wanting to use their power to make her uncomfortable in her own skin, and how much she hated it.

And I was thinking about my experience and life as a woman. Most of the time for many, many years, I've gone through life wearing baggy Tripp pants or loose jeans, loose t-shirts, and I'm not particularly woman-shaped anyhow. I don't really advertise my female attributes much. However, I can recall a couple of times that I wore one of only few tight t-shirts I own, to pool at the bar, and some drunk guy decided to not only notice I had boobs but to make very certain that I noticed he was noticing. These particular men were both significantly older than me (not usually an issue, as most know, I like older men) and drunk and just kind of dirty looking, the sort of men who would certainly smell of cigarettes, booze, and sweat, if I got close enough to find out. Men with stained clothes and big bellies and stubbly faces. And they stared at my chest, right past the gory GWAR logo (one even has a severed head on a hook, for crying out loud) at the shape of my body under my shirt, and they said things to me. I can't recall what one of them had to say, but one kept repeating that I was "so beautiful" and "like a movie star." I don't even know what that means, I don't look like any movie star I've ever seen. But...ok? Really they might as well have been saying, "Wow, you're a woman...like with tits and everything."

And both times I was left feeling like...for heaven's sakes, half of the human population more or less, has them, and there are fat men with larger ones than mine, why on earth would this be such a big deal for you? I mean really! I guess I am glad I'm not a man, if this is such a struggle for you to figure out how to interact with someone who has a bit of flesh attached to the front of her body, I'm really not sure how you manage to get anything done in life. You poor strange person, you. I didn't feel threatened, just...like "well, I'm apparently in the presence of an idiot. That's rather disappointing."

I don't go through life feeling afraid. I feel confident of my assessments of the world around me. I know where my towel is, so to speak...or at least where my exits are. I don't really identify with what women write in these articles.

And there have been some times where I have dressed more attractively, and people have made...less sloppy/stupid...observations of me. Comments, noticing behaviors. But so long as they aren't crude, I don't really object to it. I have felt many times, an admiration of a visually appealing human being, and wished there was a way for me to express it that would be taken as a simple beam of positive energy in their direction, a desire to let them know that they are pretty. I do it when I can. I think that people worry too much about the motivations of others, and when someone gives me a nice compliment, I just smile and thank them. I don't see dark intentions where likely there aren't any. I believe that people are mostly pretty nice, and that I'll know when they're not.

But perhaps my experience is shaped quite a lot by my understated feminine attributes, and maybe that in and of itself is a form of "privilege" as they say. I don't know. This stuff isn't too heavy for me, but it's what I was mulling idly as I auto-piloted through my morning routine today.
 
More Christmas shopping last night, and now...I need to stop, and just be DONE. It's possible I've spent a bit more than I should have, but not enough to sink the ship, so I'm good. So I was on a mission to find a certain thing for Zen, and the store up on this end of town that I thought was a go-to for it, did not really have what I was looking for, though I found some other good things...they told me, however, they had another location where they sent items to be sold on clearance, a bit of a drive away, and suggested I check there. So last night I did that, and holy smokes did I hit the "awesome shit at awesome prices" jackpot. So I probably bought more for Zen than I really needed to, but I have no regrets.

So sometimes I mentally meander about, contemplating the struggles of humans, and particularly of men and women in the world of love and dating. And often enough I post about those thoughts. On the other forum I post at, I give a TON of relationship advice, which is a helpful exercise for me, because I'm still interested in going into psychology and sex/relationship counseling and I think there's a market for it in this town, so...I think it's a good move if I get to a point where I'm ready to make that leap. Scary to consider changing my entire employment strategy, because what I've been doing for like the last 17 years or so, has come to feel safe and comfortable. Sit at a desk, get a paycheck. But it's not fulfilling, and I've always known that. I've always carried the idea that one day if I can afford to take a risk, I want to go a different direction, into something I am passionate about. And the two areas that speak most clearly to me, are creativity and human work (psychology or networking or something.) Another thought I had, was that there is this thing called "rage rooms" where you can go and just smash stuff. Someone did this anyhow. I'm sure you'd have to liability waiver it half to death, so if a flying bit of smashed whatever impaled someone in the face you wouldn't get sued, but still. When I was a teenager, I used to go to thrift stores and buy really cheap glass and porcelain junk, and go to this spot in the woods where there was a big concrete culvert, storm sewer drain opening thing, like a wall of concrete basically, and it was already littered with beer bottles and trash everywhere...and I'd just throw those fragile things and smash them, and it was SO satisfying. I am now envisioning a therapy center that actually incorporates "rage rooms" where you can get some cathartic destruction out of your system somehow...to me, that sounds pretty cool. I dunno. It's a thought anyways.

But when I talk about this and that, I must say, I'm usually not talking about Zen. He is a refreshing relief from some of the struggles I see so many people living. I know it's only through decades of hard self-work that he became the man he is, but he has a kind of emotional wisdom sometimes that reminds me more of some women, than most men, that I've known. It's part of his magic, for me. And he holds this depth of self in such a way that, even though I see some of the things he says about his thinking and his choices as being more like women do...somehow it's never quite "feminine." It's just a way more chill, and mature, form of masculine. I think sometimes that too many dudes don't grasp that...for some of us, for me at least...blustering around fucking shit up doesn't come across as manly, but childish. A higher form of reasoned behavior and self control is as manly as can be. Because a real man, a proper well-seasoned (and often older, I guess) man...is someone who above all, can be RESPECTED. And I respect Zen in really profound ways, like there are times I'm nearly in awe of him, when I think about some of the stuff he says and does.

So Reverie shared this, and I don't believe Zen would have one moment's difficulty in understanding the value of friendship between men and women, but it's one of those subjects I actually have to work to get other guys to comprehend... This thing right here. ...and it had already come across my Facebook feed, too, and I thought, "Wow. Yes, this sums it up, and connects with a lot of thoughts I've had." (Although disclaimer: I still don't prefer to use the "feminist" label nor affiliated buzzwords...I prefer to discuss concepts without framing them as such.) But what connected for me, was not only the obvious point of the message, but also the personal matter of how I feel about being with an older man. I had a guy ask not long ago, "Aren't you afraid to die alone?" Me? No. I am not. Never have been. Part of that is just modeling my Aunt Jeanette, as she was a widow for I'd guess about 20 years at the end of her life, but she wasn't lonely. She had many friends and a lot of social and emotional support, and at the end, she simply had a much younger friend and neighbor willing to take up the task of administering her affairs and estate. So while her partner was long gone and she never had children, she was not alone at all. And she really lived, in those last decades, traveling, volunteering, and engaging in philanthropy. She would take random college classes to explore any interest that popped into her life. She was an amazing woman, until dementia took her down. But that's just the thing...I know, because of who I am, that there is a high likelihood I will have many friends around me, because I don't like living in a little bubble. I want to keep on engaging the world and my chosen "tribe" in a pretty big way, for my whole life. So I will be very sad and I'm sure it won't be easy to lose Zen one day...but I believe I can survive that. However, the thought of subjecting him to the grief of losing me? Oh, no. No, no, no. That simply won't do. And on that note, I really really need to take better care of myself and stop smoking, like, for good. Soon.

To to segue somewhat appropriately into health matters. Finally, FINALLY, my sinus problems I've had for over a year seem to be diminishing and clearing up. I actually have days now, where I do not taste or smell a sort of funk, behind my face, for at least a while in the middle of the day, which was a miserable thing to deal with. My body seems to finally be defeating whatever the heck that was. But in the last couple of days, though, my thyroid has started to hurt again. Intriguingly, and I need to go back through my blog to get an idea of the exact timing...it was about this time last year, I am pretty sure, that I had my initial round of dealing with that. It hurt, I stressed about the possibility of cancer or of having to get a needle aspiration done (ugh) and there was an ultrasound my insurance did not pay for that got chucked on the wagon of my bankruptcy because I didn't have a few hundred bucks sitting around...and at the end, the answer I got was one they could have arrived at with blood tests only, which was, "Actually this isn't that bad. It's not cancer, and you have subclinical hypothyroid, so if you ever feel CRUSHING FATIGUE, come see me and we'll put you on drugs." Mmmmkayyy... Now at this point, I don't know if I need a new doctor, because I don't know, if I incur new charges, and pay a new bill, if they will take my money and apply it to the old defaulted bill and charge/collect on the new one until the old one is paid and the new one, too. I don't know if they'd just refuse me service unless I paid the old bill. I have no idea what they can or cannot do. I should probably call my lawyer and see what his thoughts are. It's not optimal that I don't know if I can keep seeing the same doctor, or if I need to find a new one or what. All I know is that when I was in the process of bankruptcy, they kept sending me bills, and when I called to inform them that this bill was included in a bankruptcy, I was told "Well you'd better pay it, we're about to send it to collections" and she didn't seem to understand that this was ILLEGAL that they were trying to keep collecting on it like that. Stupid. Anyways. So my thyroid pain last year resolved itself with no real intervention but some expensive testing that did not, in retrospect, seem all that necessary. And I am thinking maybe it will go that way again, so if I don't have any other symptoms, I'll try and ride it out. I did have a lot of mucus moving through my lungs and throat and all, as my sinus problems were going on and I had a cold, and I wonder if that just caused some inflammation in there that I'm feeling as pressure on my thyroid because of where it's at. Could be. But if that discomfort weren't annoying enough, I also today have a mystery pain in my left knee that keeps ouching me when I try to stand, sit, walk. It feels nearly like my kneecap is off-kilter or something. Part of getting older, I assume, stuff just hurting for no good reason. *sigh* I have informed my body to cut this shit out, as I do not have time for it, so I very much hope that it all just goes away soon. Stupid body. Stupid...whatever...stuff. Grr.

Tonight...wrapping gifts! And if I am a lucky woman, Zen will get off work in time that I may have a chance to spend some time with him, which I would like very much. This time of year is stressful and crazy with his job though, so I know there are no guarantees...
 
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Oh, and in lighter news, my fixation with Beethoven continues, but I've tried to listen to some other composers as well...and honestly, no one comes close. I mean, I don't have patience for some of these less complex pieces of classical music, whether they are tra-la-la-through the meadow nonsense that isn't energetic or aggressive enough for me, or even the doomy gloomy "powerful" pieces that are boring in their simplicity... There is simply a blend of POWER and COMPLEXITY that Beethoven brings to the table with all of his tumultuous genius, that I am really struggling to find elsewhere.

9th Symphony, second movement and Rondo a Capriccio (Rage Over a Lost Penny) remain my favorites. I bought the tracks, so that I could burn them to CD and enjoy them in my car.
 
Might be on to something with regard to my thyroid issue. The reason pain, tenderness, some swelling might happen and then just go away on its own, is in my opinion it could be this:

https://emedicine.medscape.com/article/125648-treatment#d10

So I had a course of testing and everything in January last year trying to figure out what was what with my thyroid. It had been hurting, and the doctor detected "nodules" (which happen, and as I said here in my research last year, like 5% or less are cancer, so that's not a huge worry.) It is possible, even probable from looking at my records, that I had gotten over a cold virus in the few weeks prior to that, which is an indicator for this subacute thingamawhatsit...and as we got through the various tests, last year, eventually I was told that my "levels" were going back to normal and I was "subclinical hypothyroid" so in other words...hypo, but not enough to call for ongoing treatment. Rock on.

So my reading says I should take Advil and Aleve, and drink lots of water (I am indeed dehydrated) and if my Web-Doctor-Fu is mighty and I'm right about this situation, it should go away soon. Corticosteroids supposedly help also, but unfortunately I'm pretty sure that the inhaled Flovent I have is not up to the task. There are pretty big differences between oral and inhaled corticosteroids. It might not hurt me to try the Flovent but it likely would do no good...

Yes, yes, if it doesn't then I'll figure out what's up with the whole doctor thing and go get seen. But I'll see if I can avoid that, first.
 
Take either Aleve or Advil, not both. They are both the same class of drug (non-steriodal anti-inflammatory) and taking both of them at the same time can cause issues. So it's a one or other situation, not a both. It's not like Tylenol and ibuprofen, where you can stagger the dosage for better pain relief, because Tylenol is a different class of medicine than ibuprofen.
 
Take either Aleve or Advil, not both. They are both the same class of drug (non-steriodal anti-inflammatory) and taking both of them at the same time can cause issues. So it's a one or other situation, not a both. It's not like Tylenol and ibuprofen, where you can stagger the dosage for better pain relief, because Tylenol is a different class of medicine than ibuprofen.

Good to know. I tend to avoid Aleve, unless I am doing the VERY rare thing of taking Aleve Cold & Sinus (which has an extended release pseudoephedrine in it) because I believe that the blood thinning properties of it may be more than my body needs to deal with. I have mitral valve prolapse, it's a minor condition for me, but blood thinners aren't the best idea. Now I do know that all NSAIDs are to some extent blood thinners including Ibuprofen. But I think naproxen (Aleve) might have more of this effect. I don't know if that's true or not.

Anyhow, I have been taking just Ibuprofen and that's been helping. I took 400mg every 4 hours to a max of 3x (total 1200mg) in the day, yesterday, and I plan to do the same today. That is the recommended dosage according to my reading on the subject yesterday.

And the real test was how I felt this morning, waking up with everything having surely worn off in the night...and I feel SO MUCH better. My knee doesn't hurt at all, and my throat/neck pain is vastly improved. Yesterday if I coughed, sneezed, swallowed, talked, it was like a little stab in one area. Today it only feels a bit tender, not stabby or painful. Like, "there's still something going on there, but I would not say it hurts." So that is fantastic. I have also been drinking more water.

I was lazy last night. I admit it. I came home and ate (I was really hungry) and as per usual it made me lethargic, so I sat around watching a show until Zen got home, and then went down to spend time with him. Snuggled up next to him in bed while we streamed the episodes of The Magicians, which I was ahead of him in watching, to get him caught up...I kept dozing off. Just a full belly, being short of sleep from trying to stay up late and catch a moment with him the night before, and being all comfortable, it did me in. I woke myself up snoring at one point, which is a little embarrassing. But I know if I fall asleep lying on my back, I do snore. I try to side-sleep to avoid that when I can. :eek:

I meant to work on wrapping gifts, but I did not get around to doing so, and I'm slightly annoyed with myself for that. I need to plan out my schedule for between now and Christmas...I'll probably do a lot of stuff on Christmas eve, I think Zen has to work that day and it won't be the first year I was wrapping gifts right at the last minute. At least, while I feel I did alright by my boys, I don't have the insane heaps and heaps that I used to get for them, the wrapping job won't be quite such a monumental effort.

Zen was concerned if I showed him favoritism in how much I bought for Christmas gifts...not really, no, but significantly there are a couple of things I'll have him open out of the boys' sight since they're slightly more adult in nature, most of what he'll be getting ON Christmas will be kind of boring as far as the boys would judge, but I'm happy about and I think Zen will be, too. There was one thing that just delighted me, and I hope will delight him as well. I'm fairly certain I was grinning and making little excited noises when I found it. It's kind of cheesy-perfect.

There is a discussion group tonight. I'd like to go...however, we might have snow, and I need to work on the gift wrapping thing, so maybe I won't. There is a good chance I won't. We'll see.

And I just logged in for the first time (I've been trying not to be too invested or obsessed with this) and checked my application for the city job I applied for some weeks ago, and the latest update is that I was put on the "eligible list" so I am still in the running for it. That's encouraging!

Thinking this morning a little about my feelings regarding CHANGE, and in light of what I've thought and said about my age difference with Zen and our mortality...not something I contemplate a whole lot, but I do know how I feel about it. That combination of feeling like I'll be alright, but not wanting my love to have to endure sadness or loss. I love him so much, I want to give whatever comfort and happiness I can to him for all of his days. At the same time, I was thinking in more general terms about my life...I really am most happy, I think, with big changes that impact an area or two of my life at a time, every several years. Like if a big change in where I live, or my job, or my family or relationship configurations, my community, the car I drive...something...happens every 5-10 years or so, I feel like things are dynamic and progressing. I get restless if absolutely everything is the same for years and years. However, I tend to make good on those changes. I know people who scrap everything and start over periodically and every time, it's at a big loss. That's not normally how I roll at all, my changes usually bump me up in terms of my overall living situation. Put me in better places.
 
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