How common is it for guys in Poly to be their girls primary in everyway but one?

Nathan

New member
When it comes to looking after finances, or our child, or emotional support, time spent together, love, friendship and physical affection etc etc, I am my girls primary!

The only part of her life where I'm not, is when it comes to satisfying her sexual needs, in this area I'm secondary to my metamour.

I was wondering how common this is, and also how other guys cope with this situation.

The same question applies to the ladies.

Thanks.
 
When it comes to looking after finances, or our child, or emotional support, time spent together, love, friendship and physical affection etc etc, I am my girls primary!

The only part of her life where I'm not, is when it comes to satisfying her sexual needs, in this area I'm secondary to my metamour.

I was wondering how common this is, and also how other guys cope with this situation.

The same question applies to the ladies.

Thanks.

So basically you take care of her but someone else gets most of the sex? Well, that depends on your setup and personal preference. I would not be okay with this as my sex drive is extremely high. Are you okay with this? Have you spoken to her? What's her response?
 
Yeah, you're going to have to explain a little better. Is it that you and he both spend roughly equal time with her sexually but he's more successful at meeting her sexual needs, or does she just engage in sex much more with him than with you (and if so, has she said why), or what?
 
So basically you take care of her but someone else gets most of the sex? Well, that depends on your setup and personal preference. I would not be okay with this as my sex drive is extremely high. Are you okay with this? Have you spoken to her? What's her response?

Yeah, you're going to have to explain a little better. Is it that you and he both spend roughly equal time with her sexually but he's more successful at meeting her sexual needs, or does she just engage in sex much more with him than with you (and if so, has she said why), or what?

Yes, at the moment Aurelie does engage in sex with him much more than she does with me. This is because both his wife and I have agreed that they can see each other whenever they want. Before they had set nights together, which they still do have, but now he can also come to my house to see her when he wants to, and Aurelie can go to his. Aurelie has said that they are taking advantage of this new freedom, and that they are experiencing a NRE type energy. I'm happy for them to share this together at the moment.

Normally, our sex life is very active and loving, so it's not a matter of who gets the most sex, him or I, it's more as you suggest, that he is more successful at meeting her sexual needs than I am. I have seen them together, and they do have a really incredible sexual chemistry together, and I'm happy to see her have that in her life.

I asked the question because I think that it would be unusual for guys to be as calm about it as I am. I think part of the reason for this is because I'm turned on by her being with another man and that someone is more able and better equipped to satisfy her than me. It was something that I was very embarrassed about, and it took encouragement from Aurelie for me to come to terms with it. The three of us are very comfortable with the sexual dynamic we share now, so it's great.

I think that we are very honest with each other, and this really does help our poly relationship.

Are others as honest with each other, or is it a case of people saying things like.........

"I love you both, and enjoy the sex we have in different ways, but your both equal." Even if that isn't true.

Or maybe they allow these things to go unsaid?

It's like when mothers tell their kids that she loves them all equally, when in truth, this is rarely true. She may treat them equal, but in her heart, she will have a favourite.

So, how do other guys cope with a situation like that? You know that the girl you love more than anyone else in the world, loves you just as much, but prefers the sex she has with her other partner? Are they madly jealous, turned-on or excepting in other ways?

Thanks
 
love and having a favorite are different to me. I have 3 kids of my own. I love them all equally.
BUT my favorite is the one I get along with best.
The one who gets the most from me is the one who I've had the longest AND shared 6 years alone with.

But-favorite isnt=to any aspect of the love I have for them. Its about who I enjoy most to hang out with.

The same is true with my guys.

It's not as clear cut as you define-but one of them is primary in many ways and the other is primary in some other ways.
Ironically, the one I have the least sex with is much like you said-takes it well and easy going about accepting that he doesn't fulfill that part for me as well.
But, the one who I have the most sex with tends to be insecure about it (WTF?).

I love both of them with equall depth. I would not be able to choose one or the ohter if I had the whole "hanging from a cliff who do you pull up" example.
HOweVEr, I certainly have a favorite for who I confide in and am most vulnerable with emotionally, I have a different favorite for who I party with etc...

Favorites come into play regarding what activities I want to participate in-there are different people who are my favorite for different things.
But love-totally unrelated.
 
Aw.... you guys sound like you are in a good place in your polyship. It's tender bittersweet sweet. I so love that feeling!

The feeling of ***It's wonderdul! It's horrible! It's wonderful! Gah! LOVELOVELOVE! WHEE!*** :D

Are others as honest with each other,

Yes, DH and I are that honest with each other.

or is it a case of people saying things like..."I love you both, and enjoy the sex we have in different ways, but your both equal." Even if that isn't true. Or maybe they allow these things to go unsaid?

In previous V where I was MFM hinge? In our previous "V" arrangement, this was not yet earned. It was a soft limit.

  • Both knew I loved and was seeing the other.
  • Both knew I would NOT dicuss sex information beyond hygiene needs.
  • Discussion of personal preferences, abilities, proclivities and so forth was guarded under the Covenant of the Bedroom. (the soft limit)

So there was no cross-sharing of TMI information beyond names, when it went loverly, and what was needed for safer sex hygiene. DH (Then BF) was the most comfortable with the intrigue first on that one I think. I was ok with it for ME but uncertain with the others owning it. I would have been willing to go there and lower the TMI wall a bit to let some other things flow to find out. OSO had the hardest time with TMI walls coming down. So they stayed up to his comfort zone so we could be at the slowest speed person. Then all were mostly fine. Yay for happy medium solutions.

So, how do other guys cope with a situation like that? You know that the girl you love more than anyone else in the world, loves you just as much, but prefers the sex she has with her other partner? Are they madly jealous, turned-on or excepting in other ways?

Should the TMI wall be down?

DH and I honestly confess to it being part of the whole polydragon chasing turn on. But that is shared WANT, not a NEED in a new polyship should that emerge. (We are closed at this time.) So I'll just enjoy via compersion peekies that YOU are there in your polyship.

*** throwing confetti ***

YAY! It's is wonderful! Horrible! Wonderful! Wheeeee! Thanks for sharing that peek into your world. Made my morning. :)

warmest hugs,
GalaGirl
 
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When it comes to looking after finances, or our child, or emotional support, time spent together, love, friendship and physical affection etc etc, I am my girls primary!

The only part of her life where I'm not, is when it comes to satisfying her sexual needs, in this area I'm secondary to my metamour.

I was wondering how common this is, and also how other guys cope with this situation.

The same question applies to the ladies.

Thanks.

This pretty much sums up my life. My husband is definitely my primary, because our lives are so entwined with our boys, our house, shared finances, etc. However, my boyfriend is definitely my sexual primary and my husband's girlfriend is definitely his sexual primary. I get jealous of it sometimes and I know he feels bad occasionally that my boyfriend brings out a side of me that he doesn't, but it's just the way it works out.
 
I would say that it is very common. It certainly is in my case. As you say though Nathan, I think it usually goes unsaid. It's a macho pride thing with some men, they cant come to terms with the fact that their wife needs another man to be satisfied sexually.

You guys seem to have a great relationship.
 
Just to represent for the queers (speaking as a pansexual woman)... my gf miss pixi (3 1/2 years together), used to be much more sexual with me for the first year or so, but because of various things going on in her life, anxieties, health issues, job loss, her drive has lessened. I've also been dating men met thru ok cupid the whole time we've been together, and since my sex drive is extremely high, she has always found it a relief that I can let off some steam with other people.

After a long search for "Mr Right," and kissing many frogs, I met The Ginger in early January of this year. We click on many emotional levels, and share many interests, AND, he is just as super horny as me. :) We only see each other once a week on average, but generally have 3-5 sex sessions on that overnight visit.

I'd love more sex with miss pixi though, and it's taken much patience to overcome feeling rejected sexually by her since NRE faded. Also we used to do a lot of kinky stuff she's no longer that into. However, we do manage sex a couple times a week, sometimes basic vanilla 20 mins stuff, once in a while a bit of a flogging or something...

Every now and then, for no apparent reason, her drive will rev up and we'll have intense sex once or twice a day for a few days in a row. I enjoy it while it's happening and go with the flow!
 
I was wondering how common this is, and also how other guys cope with this situation.

I don't think it matters how common it is or isn't. The real question is whether or not it works for those involved.
 
I love both of them with equall depth. I would not be able to choose one or the ohter if I had the whole "hanging from a cliff who do you pull up" example.

I guess I look at things from a mono perspective. I find it impossible to imagine loving anyone other than my girl.
 
It's a macho pride thing with some men, they cant come to terms with the fact that their wife needs another man to be satisfied sexually.

I think that is an understandable reaction to have, and that was the point of my question. How do other guys cope with that?
 
I think that is an understandable reaction to have, and that was the point of my question. How do other guys cope with that?

I'm so interested in this thread. :)

After an extended period of abstinence in their relationship, my bf and live-in OSO have recently regained the sexual part of their relationship. It was a struggle for me at first, to be honest, as I entered into this with him as my being his only sexual partner. I worried about what my role was now with the change in dynamics. I always knew and appreciated that he loved his OSO, no question, but that part of their relationship had ended several years prior. Through alot of hard work, we have worked through it (and still are!)and if anything, his and my life have improved as well; he's happier at home, and he works hard to show me how much he still needs and desires me. Win, win. :D

But I'm Mono. And I recently had an opportunity to have some adult fun on a vacation. My bf tells me that he would feel like a hypocrite now to ask me NOT to be with another man, so if I wanted to , I should have just done it, just not tell him about it, because he couldn't handle it. Hmmm. That's not who I am, nor how I work, and he knows that. So the gesture is invalid. And I asked him "Would you really be okay with another man touching me, loving me, in my bed, kissing me?" And he shook his head and looked like he was in physical pain. :eek:

So...I'm keenly interested. Why is he to assume that I should be okay with him being with another partner... yet he obviously doesn't feel comfortable with that for me?
- Is it because it's his OSO, even though they hadn't shared that in many years, to me she's a new partner, should I have forced compersion?
- Is it because I'm Mono? Probably plays a role in that. I could meet someone and chances are I would leave him.
- Or is it a gender thing? As a working generalization, women tend to have emotional jealousy. Men tend to have physical jealousy. Yet I, as a female, tend to have more sexual than emotional jealousy. (or perhaps it's really envy!)

I'll be interested to hear the perspectives. :D

GalaGirl -I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on this and definitely a man's perspective. :D
 
- Is it because I'm Mono? Probably plays a role in that. I could meet someone and chances are I would leave him.

In my relationship, this is exactly why my partner would have issues with me meeting someone. He knows that I've never so much as "crushed on" more than one person at a time (unattainable celebrities excepted ;) ). If I were to "meet someone" it could very well become a problem in our relationship, due to my nature.

Of course, he's also said that if I really wanted to explore something, we'd talk about it... which is extremely sweet, knowing where he's coming from.

Of course, I'm straying off-topic... I share my partner half-time-ish with his OSO, and he travels back and forth between homes. Physically, I welcome the break! LOL! :D
 
In my relationship, this is exactly why my partner would have issues with me meeting someone. He knows that I've never so much as "crushed on" more than one person at a time (unattainable celebrities excepted ;) ). If I were to "meet someone" it could very well become a problem in our relationship, due to my nature.

Of course, he's also said that if I really wanted to explore something, we'd talk about it... which is extremely sweet, knowing where he's coming from.

Of course, I'm straying off-topic... I share my partner half-time-ish with his OSO, and he travels back and forth between homes. Physically, I welcome the break! LOL! :D

YouAreHere, thanks for sharing. We have those same talks. The honesty and openness is quite sweet, isn't it?

Lucky you, sharing half time!!! Physically, I'd love the challenge. ;)

Sorry for the hijack Nathan!!!:D
 
So...I'm keenly interested. Why is he to assume that I should be okay with him being with another partner... yet he obviously doesn't feel comfortable with that for me?
- Is it because it's his OSO, even though they hadn't shared that in many years, to me she's a new partner, should I have forced compersion?
- Is it because I'm Mono? Probably plays a role in that. I could meet someone and chances are I would leave him.
- Or is it a gender thing? As a working generalization, women tend to have emotional jealousy. Men tend to have physical jealousy. Yet I, as a female, tend to have more sexual than emotional jealousy. (or perhaps it's really envy!)


My girl would not want me to be with another woman, sex would be one thing, but if I loved another like I love her, she has said that she could not cope with that. She thinks this is unfair, and makes her feel like a hypocrite. She is asking me to accept something that would upset her so much if the roles were reversed. I dont mind, I have no intention of being with another woman in anyway. I love her so much and can't ever imagine being in love with someone else, so I like the fact that she does not want to share me.

I dont mind her having sex with another man, as long as she loves him. I'm not jealous of what they have, even the fact that he gets her off more than me. She was with him before me, and that helps, I knew what I was getting into from the get go, and yes, I admit, the fact that it turns me on also helps. Also, we have our own thing, and we both think that it is special.

Unlike you, I would more likely be emotionally jealous, but I'm not, and that's because I know how much love my girl and I share, and I know that the two of us and our small family come first, for both of us.
 
I don't think it matters how common it is or isn't. The real question is whether or not it works for those involved.

I think this is the crux of it. What works for the people experiencing the dynamic? Doesn't matter if you are the only folks on the planet doing it that way (which you are NOT!) - if it works for you then ... GREAT!

Dude and I have sex way more often than MrS and I do. MrS and I practically live inside each others minds. So, yes, Dude is my primary sexual partner and MrS is my primary emotional partner. But there are so many more parameters than that. MrS and I have a 20 year history of experience together. Dude and I enjoy thrashing out intellectual shit that MrS and I already agree on. etc. etc. etc.

Letting each relationship be what it is and not trying to force some artificial "equality" into the equation is a key component to our happiness (and my sanity!:eek:)

Live. Love. Enjoy!

JaneQ
 
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Dude and I have sex way more often than MrS and I do. MrS and I practically live inside each others minds. So, yes, Dude is my primary sexual partner and MrS is my primary emotional partner. But there are so many more parameters than that. MrS and I have a 20 year history of experience together. Dude and I enjoy thrashing out intellectual shit that MrS and I already agree on. etc. etc. etc.

Letting each relationship be what it is and not trying to force some artificial "equality" into the equation is a key component to our happiness (and my sanity!:eek:)

Live. Love. Enjoy!

JaneQ

Jane, I love how you think. It's the basis of Poly.. you can't be everything to someone.

I think that's the challenge. Figure out what it is you offer that's special to the relationship.

I'm in a bit of a conundrum with that in my relationship right now. Rules of engagement have changed. I no longer am as secure in the place I hold in his life. Yet he insists nothing has changed for him with regards to me. I believe him. He's done a great job of assuring me of that.

So I appreciate how you explain it. Thank you! :D
 
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