I know it's only been a week since I last posted, but so much has happened! And it's been a mixed bag, for sure, though I'm feeling hopeful about the future.
On Friday, I picked Moss up from the airport. I'd last seen him back in June, when we decided to go from friend/exes back to being romantically involved, albeit long distance. We were together for about three years, and married for nearly two of those, back in the day. We never let our connection falter, though, even through our divorce and seeing other people. And there always had remained a sexual tension there (our breakup had everything to do with my youth and his untreated mental health issues, and nothing to do with a lack of love or attraction).
Now that we've know each other for nearly eight years, there is a comfort there that I haven't yet experienced in previous (and subsequent!) romantic relationships. He knows me very well, and it's a relief to know that he loves me with all my foibles revealed. That level of comfort also means that the raw passion is somewhat dulled compared to the fiery blaze of NRE-fueled desire that I feel with Rider, but it's a different—not necessarily inferior—thing.
We spent the weekend mostly out on the town, with my showing him what my city has to offer, but we also got plenty of one-on-one time in my bed.
My favorite part was probably watching Moss and Rider interact. Moss had confided in me that he feared that it would be awkward: his meeting my new boyfriend who was "letting" me have sex with him. But they got on famously, as I knew they would. They both love sports and music, they're both intelligent, and they both have ME in common. Hehehe.
They got to hang out both at a friend's birthday party, and the following day at Rider's house, because he and Moss had planned to watch the football season start together. I made food and mixed cocktails for them, even leaving them alone to go to the store at one point. They were acting like old buddies, and each individually expressed glowing praise of the other the next time I spoke to them alone. Yay!
If the Moss + Rider adorability combo was my favorite part of the weekend, the nadir was the car accident. Saturday night, heading home from an evening out, my dumb ass misjudged the gap while making a left turn and nearly got Moss killed. My poor little car that I've had for 14 years is probably done for (I had to get a rental for the rest of our outings), and Moss got a knot on the noggin from hitting the window, though he is thankfully fine. It was my first at-fault accident since 2001, and luckily I don't drive drunk, or I could have been in big trouble, since it was that time of night. I'm bummed about the car, though.
I managed to recover my wits after that, though I was shaken up, and the rest of the week progressed pretty normally. Rider managed to catch a cold and pass it to me, amazingly. I haven't been sick in three years! This must be a particularly virulent strain of cold, because Brandon has it too, and he says he also rarely falls ill.
Thursday, Anna (Rider's friend) and I went to go look at an apartment. We're signing the lease on Saturday. It's so perfect! It has a little tiny yard where we can plant an herb garden, a great kitchen, a huge living area, and best of all...drumroll...it's literally TWO BLOCKS from Rider's place. Anna's boyfriend also lives just down the street. I foresee a lot of double-date mini-parties in our future. This makes me so much less bitter about the Claire-roommate-veto thing I was bitching about in my last post. That place also seemed great, but it was farther from Rider, rather than closer, so maybe the stick up her ass was a blessing in disguise!
Anna and I are both super-stoked. She seems like a real sweetie. She and Rider dated briefly last year before he and Claire got back together, but they both felt that they weren't a love-match, despite an ongoing physical attraction, so they called it off. Anna is mono, and she's currently dating a guy that she's madly in love with, also mono. She said that if she was single, she'd be down to play with us, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. I'm not particularly attracted to her at the moment anyway. Not that she's not pretty—she totally is!—but I'm really selective, and the mojo hasn't sparkled at me there. I suppose if she became single again, I'd go there on Rider's behalf, though, since I know he still is attracted to her. I can't wait to get to know her better, regardless. She's one of those wacky, mega-creative types who seems to bring color to any situation.
And then back to a more somber note:
Today, Rider left on his vacation roadtrip, but a serious wrench got thrown in his gears. He was supposed to be spending the first leg of his journey visiting friends in a city about five hours away, then going to see his mom, then going to visit Sam in their College Town, where Sam still lives. I was supposed to be joining them in College Town via Greyhound bus for the last portion of the trip, then carpooling back home with Rider. But tragedy struck.
I messaged Sam today to confirm that he would be able to pick me up from the bus station on Thursday, and he told me that he was actually having to fly to his hometown tomorrow because his mother, who has been ill for sometime, was given a poor prognosis. I felt really bad for him, and I relayed the news to Rider, and the three of us were sort of chatting in a circle. Coincidentally, within the hour of our starting to chat, he got the call that she died. Before he had even had a chance to make it home.
My heart went out to him so hard. I literally cried for him. I lost my father too young some years back, so I know what it's like. And Sam is SUCH a good, sweet, sensitive person. I just wanted so badly to hug him while he cried, but the best I could do was offer to be an ear any time he wanted to call. Rider and I decided that I would put a care package together for him and his brother and ship it to them in their hometown—just some of their favorite treats and a silly little card to cheer them up a bit.
I really care deeply for Sam, given the limited number of days we've spent together. It's almost like my love for him "stands on the shoulders" (to co-opt a quote) of Rider's love for him. I feel like I somehow fit like a Tetris piece into a snug spot in their longtime friendship, and that we are all bonded together. It sounds really silly. But I love them both, and I love Sam far more than I ought to, all things considered. I know, logically, that what I feel for someone in a connection that new ought to just be lust and crushy interest, but somehow Rider's 20-year friendship with him makes it different. It makes it feel logical and ancient instead of new and irrational. I just really hope he's OK, and I really, really wish I could hold him and make him feel better. Hopefully, the package will be some small step in that direction.
With Rider gone this weekend, I was hoping that I'd actually be able to spend some time with Brandon. But dang, he's so busy all the time. He had made "maybe" noises about both Thursday night AND Friday night (tonight), but neither had panned out, and he had previously mentioned having plans on Saturday. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever see him again. Only halfway kidding. He messages me and says sweet things, but then we somehow never manage to get together.
Every day, I think again about cutting him loose. I'm getting too attached. I miss him when I don't see him, and I feel a dull ache in my chest when "maybe" fades into "no"...and yet, I tell myself that it's not like I'm super-available to him either. Even though Rider and I aren't technically primary to each other, Rider is definitely primary to me. He sees me and Claire as sort of co-primary. But he's definitely my number one. At this point, anyway, I can't imagine putting anyone in front of him. So Brandon gets the "leavings" of my schedule. So why should I expect any less from him? I shouldn't. But it still stings when he can't make time for me. Mo' menz, mo' problemz...