Regrets

WanderingINTJ

New member
It has been a while since I have posted here. I am experiencing a wave of emotions right now. I have been divorced for 9 months now. Not a very long time. I will admit that one of the big reasons for that divorce is that I felt that I grew and discovered more about myself as being a polyamorous person. My now ex husband was not interested. After about 18 plus months of me introducing poly to my ex, I decided maybe it was best to go ahead and part ways. Now 9 months later, I am feeling regret and loneliness. I'm definitely feeling selfish and self centered as I listen to how my daughter wishes her Dad and I were together. I don't know how to reconcile with myself that it seens like I made a rash and selfish move. I did think about my daughter and and felt us parting ways whike she was younger would have less of an impact on her. She's 7. It also hurts that it seems that she really enjoys the time she spends with my exes new girlfriend. I'm really happy that she's getting attention she needs, but I'm feeling a bit inadequate. She gets double attention with her Dad and with me, well, there's only so much I can give. Any feedback would be great as I work through this.
 
Hi WanderingINTJ,

It sounds your main concern here is that your daughter is favoring your ex (and his girlfriend). I don't think you can turn back the clock, so you will have to make do as best you can. You divorced your ex-husband so you could pursue poly. Can I ask? How is it going on the poly front? Any prospects? Have you tried OKCupid? looked for local poly groups in the area? Is your heart still in it? or would you rather go back to monogamy, with your (ex-)husband? I'm really sorry you're caught in this predicament.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry you struggle. It's ok to vent here. I hope it helped some.

Look at how you are still adjusting to the divorce at your age as a grown up. Your kid is only 7 years old. Did you expect her to adjust faster than you? :confused:

Of course she is going to say things like she misses Dad, or wishes you were still together. It is part of her process of coming to terms. And it is ok for her to enjoy spending time with Dad and his new GF. That too is part of her process. She's being emotionally honest.

It's ok for you to feel regrets. It's part of your healing process. It's ok for you to feel lonely. It's not FUN, but that too is part of the experience of divorce and then creating a new life afterward. Try to get out more, make new friends and reconnect with old ones.

Being a single mom can be hard and that too is another adjustment to make. It's ok to feel envious that at Dad's house, there's another adult helper around in the GF. He doesn't have to do it alone and the child gets "double attention" where at your house, you do parent alone and sometimes you get tired or fried.

You are going to feel a whole bunch of things. Sometimes more than once. Healing is not a linear track. You may repeat some stages. Nobody is asking you to be Superman or Wonder Woman. It's ok to be human through this process.

You simply do your best each day.

And just like your "flu best" or "broken leg best" is not the same as your "full on healthy best?" It is ok if your "recently divorced best" is not the same as your "full on healthy best" either.

Just do the best you can in this moment with what you have. Keep your expectations of yourself and your current abilities more realistic. Even if wanted, divorce carries some sadness and adjustments.

Galagirl
 
Hi,

Regret is an awful feeling because it comes with blame. But really, hindsight is always 20/20. If you had stayed with him, you could have become a bitter soul, feeling terrible trapped or suffocated with the control of monogamy. Maybe. Maybe not. Regret is a hard emotion to overcome. You can't prove that things would have been better and you can't prove that things could have been worse. You're just left wondering. Anxiety sometimes makes things worse. You might be a better mother now that you have freedom compared to the mother you may have been when trapped.

Like Kevin says, you can't turn back the clock. You have benefits which you enjoy now that you couldn't have back in a monogamous relationship. Even if you're not actively dating now, you probably have more time. Spend time nurturing yourself. Find activities you're interested in. Make yourself an interesting person and then dateable people will flock to you. :) And if they don't, at least you'll be doing activities you enjoy anyway. You will probably feel a lift in your mood and that lift in mood will probably be transferred into your daughter. This new life you have might take some adjusting to, but it might be a better life.

Hang in there. Life can still be beautiful.

-Shaya.
 
Things are actually decent on the poly front. I have been dating and learning a lot about myself so I am grateful for that. I decided around the time I got divorced that I was not really even interested in a relationship for a while. Its just that loneliness hit all of a sudden and persisted for linger than I'm used too. I'm still not in a huge rush for relationship (s) because I wanna make sure that I'm going for what really fits. My heart is definitely still in poly. I think my area can be tough, small traditional town. Not impossible though. I've recemtly adjusted my work schedule so I can hopefully have more time to get out and about. Thank you again for your response.
Hi WanderingINTJ,

It sounds your main concern here is that your daughter is favoring your ex (and his girlfriend). I don't think you can turn back the clock, so you will have to make do as best you can. You divorced your ex-husband so you could pursue poly. Can I ask? How is it going on the poly front? Any prospects? Have you tried OKCupid? looked for local poly groups in the area? Is your heart still in it? or would you rather go back to monogamy, with your (ex-)husband? I'm really sorry you're caught in this predicament.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi GalaGirl,

Thanks for responding. As far as my child adjusting, I really had no set expectations about when she would adjust. I guess some guilt has set in in regards to her even having to deal with that. I was hoping for her sake that her adjustment would be as smooth as possible. She's doing pretty good though.

I appreciate you speaking about healing. I have to remember that's what I'm experiencing.

I'm sorry you struggle. It's ok to vent here. I hope it helped some.

Look at how you are still adjusting to the divorce at your age as a grown up. Your kid is only 7 years old. Did you expect her to adjust faster than you? :confused:

Of course she is going to say things like she misses Dad, or wishes you were still together. It is part of her process of coming to terms. And it is ok for her to enjoy spending time with Dad and his new GF. That too is part of her process. She's being emotionally honest.

It's ok for you to feel regrets. It's part of your healing process. It's ok for you to feel lonely. It's not FUN, but that too is part of the experience of divorce and then creating a new life afterward. Try to get out more, make new friends and reconnect with old ones.

Being a single mom can be hard and that too is another adjustment to make. It's ok to feel envious that at Dad's house, there's another adult helper around in the GF. He doesn't have to do it alone and the child gets "double attention" where at your house, you do parent alone and sometimes you get tired or fried.

You are going to feel a whole bunch of things. Sometimes more than once. Healing is not a linear track. You may repeat some stages. Nobody is asking you to be Superman or Wonder Woman. It's ok to be human through this process.

You simply do your best each day.

And just like your "flu best" or "broken leg best" is not the same as your "full on healthy best?" It is ok if your "recently divorced best" is not the same as your "full on healthy best" either.

Just do the best you can in this moment with what you have. Keep your expectations of yourself and your current abilities more realistic. Even if wanted, divorce carries some sadness and adjustments.

Galagirl
 
I think it's natural to feel some remorse and regret after a divorce. I'm a few years out and I still miss my ex sometimes. Or wish we were still together. Then, I'll remember the reasons that we divorced and feel better. Or, if I'm just in a negative head space, I'll continue to entertain the thoughts until a friend or my therapist smacks me upside the head ;) (metaphorically speaking of course.) It can be lonely living alone when you're use to living as a couple. And, it's definitely hard single parenting. The truth is, life is just hard sometimes.

As for the kids, I actually regret not divorcing sooner. My kids were pre-teens/teens when we divorced. The last few years there was a lot of dysfunction in our house. My ex has an addiction and I became very codependent....that dysfunction really impacted my kids negatively. I do think divorcing much sooner would have been healthier for them. I think it's far healthier for children to see a parent living authentically than shrinking themselves for the sake of a relationship. JMO.
 
Glad it helped some.

If she's doing pretty good? Then her adjustment IS going as smooth as possible.

Try to be easier on yourself so your process can go as smooth as possible too. You do not have to be anything but human.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
Thank you Shaya. I am definitely working on interesting activities. I hope to brush up on my swim skills and take some lessons. Your words were very insightful.

Hi,

Regret is an awful feeling because it comes with blame. But really, hindsight is always 20/20. If you had stayed with him, you could have become a bitter soul, feeling terrible trapped or suffocated with the control of monogamy. Maybe. Maybe not. Regret is a hard emotion to overcome. You can't prove that things would have been better and you can't prove that things could have been worse. You're just left wondering. Anxiety sometimes makes things worse. You might be a better mother now that you have freedom compared to the mother you may have been when trapped.

Like Kevin says, you can't turn back the clock. You have benefits which you enjoy now that you couldn't have back in a monogamous relationship. Even if you're not actively dating now, you probably have more time. Spend time nurturing yourself. Find activities you're interested in. Make yourself an interesting person and then dateable people will flock to you. :) And if they don't, at least you'll be doing activities you enjoy anyway. You will probably feel a lift in your mood and that lift in mood will probably be transferred into your daughter. This new life you have might take some adjusting to, but it might be a better life.

Hang in there. Life can still be beautiful.

-Shaya.
 
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