New and unsure of next steps with husband

Kelstar

New member
Hello,

My husband and I are newly married and I am not even sure if our current relationship model is considered Poly. Basically, we started going to sex clubs at the beginning of our relationship, about 3 years ago. Had a threesome
or two, enjoyed having sex in public and watching others have sex etc. My husbands sex drive is not nearly as high as mine so about 9 months ago, i kind of pressured him into opening things up a little bit more- ie. allowing me to have sex with other men. The rule was it had to be preplanned and cleared ahead of time. So this is what I proceeded to do. I met a guy and we have been having sex about once a month for 7 months or so. My husband is allowed to do the same and I would love it if he would, but due to his not so high sex drive and the fact that he never meets new people, he has not had any outside partners (except one in mexico on his bachelor party).

So here is where i get confused and unsure. We never agreed to becoming emotionally involved with somebody else... it was supposed to be purely sex. And the guy I have been having sex (the secondary) with also understands this. So even though we spend a lot of intimate time together ie. the once a month in a hotel for a night, as well as at work when we sneak off and makeout or when we text or send pics.... we dont talk about feelings. The secondary knows he cant fall in love with me and i cant with him. But im falling in love. And i dont know what to do. I cant talk about it with my husband or with my secondary. I dont know how my secondary feels about me. I dont know if sharing my feelings with him would scare him away. And i dont know how to proceed with my husband. I want my husband to experience what I am experiencing because I think it would allow things to progress more for me with my secondary. I want to have open communication with everyone. I dont want to hurt my husband (he knows there are some feelings involved but not to the extent in which they are at). And these feelings I have are leading me to do things that are not agreed upon by my husband and i... such as, im not supposed to be “going out” with my secondary, my husband doesnt want him to have the “girlfriend” experience, yet, last time I met him at a hotel, we went out and i didnt tell my husband.

Doi just admit that I Am falling in love with the risk that my husband will put a complete stop to everything? Do I tell my secondary about my feelings with the risk that he will not be comfortable anymore? The secondary enjoys our situation because he is not looking for commitment yet he is able to be intimate with someone once in a while. As far as I know, i am the only person my secondary is having sex with or has had sex with in the last 7 months, since we started what we are doing.

Any advice is appareciated becauze i am feeling low after having an amazing night with my secondary but am Now not able to express myself to Him.

Thanks!!!
 
If you have an agreement of no emotional involvement, honesty demands you explain your changed feelings with husband and partner and renegotiate. It may work out or it may not, but that was your agreement. Both your husband and your partner need to know your changed status.

If you never agreed to being emotionally involved - but you also did not explicitly rule out emotional involvement, chances are your husband already believes you to be in love, because he is intimately aware of you and is likely to have observed your attachment.

It may work out, or it may not, but the status quo will not satisfy you. The more you delay the conversation, the more the hanging sword remains. You might as well know where you stand and move forward accordingly.
 
I agree with the previous poster. I think you do need to discuss this with your husband, and figure out together how to move forward. He may be fine with it. But, what if he isn't? If he thinks he only agreed to a sex-only arrangement, which is what you seem to believe, too, then the answer is to end things with your current partner, and find someone else. You may not want to, but if you made a promise to your husband, only he can release you from it. The only alternative is to be dishonest and deceive him. Once you know where he stands, you can talk to your other partner.
 
The secondary knows he cant fall in love with me and i cant with him.

Might help you to know that this is an impossible expectation. People who have repeated sex together not only can but often do fall in love. That's what Mother Nature wants us to do.
 
Hello Kelstar,

My vote is for you to come out and be honest, both to your husband, and to your secondary. Tell them both that you have fallen in love. The consequences of telling them may be less than ideal, but it is still better to be honest. You'll know you did the right thing, in other words.

Not that it matters, but to let you know, falling in love is exactly what makes a situation polyamorous -- if you can get the consent of both your husband and your secondary. And there is even a question of, will he remain secondary, or will he become co-primary. That will largely depend on how your husband feels.

Hopefully you and your husband will undergo a renegotiation process.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
If you have an agreement of no emotional involvement, honesty demands you explain your changed feelings with husband and partner and renegotiate. It may work out or it may not, but that was your agreement. Both your husband and your partner need to know your changed status.

If you never agreed to being emotionally involved - but you also did not explicitly rule out emotional involvement, chances are your husband already believes you to be in love, because he is intimately aware of you and is likely to have observed your attachment.

It may work out, or it may not, but the status quo will not satisfy you. The more you delay the conversation, the more the hanging sword remains. You might as well know where you stand and move forward accordingly.



Thank you. The inevitable that I didn’t want to face. So new to all of this and I feel like I have such a good thing going and it could all come crashing down when i am honest but I agree, honesty is the only way through this.
 
Calle Besley

Might help you to know that this is an impossible expectation. People who have repeated sex together not only can but often do fall in love. That's what Mother Nature wants us to do.

Yes, that has definitely shown to be true here. I thought maybe having feelings that I didn’t express was doable, but it leaves me feeling depressed and supressed.
 
I think this is a common problem with couples who venture out from swinging. It's not poly if there is some sort of impossible agreement to keep emotions out of it. It's also a bit naive to think a person can have an ongoing sexual relationship with someone and not develop feelings for them.
 
missionario HOTEL

Hello Kelstar,

My vote is for you to come out and be honest, both to your husband, and to your secondary. Tell them both that you have fallen in love. The consequences of telling them may be less than ideal, but it is still better to be honest. You'll know you did the right thing, in other words.

Not that it matters, but to let you know, falling in love is exactly what makes a situation polyamorous -- if you can get the consent of both your husband and your secondary. And there is even a question of, will he remain secondary, or will he become co-primary. That will largely depend on how your husband feels.

Hopefully you and your husband will undergo a renegotiation process.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.


Thank you Kevin. A renegotiation would be great, but I feel that it will end up being me pressuring him into something he is not totally comfortable with. I dont want to do that so this will be tricky. He tends not to say no to me and it is something I could easily take advantage of. I think he will feel that I have one foot out the door. We have a lot of exploration to do, growing to do, communication to do, before we will figure this out. But it has to start somewhere and being honest is the only way!
 
While I concur with everyone else that your husband needs to be told the truth, and much depends on his reaction going forward from any confession you choose to make... you cannot overlook the fact that the shape this relationship takes in the future is, in large part, up to your "secondary" (casual sex partner, FWB, whatever he is to you at this moment).

To put it bluntly, do you know/suspect this other man even HAS feelings for you, beyond sexual attraction and perhaps some degree of friendly affection? I know you haven't had any kind of heavy confessional conversation with him about your feelings, but we can almost always get a sense of these things prior to overt discussion.

Everyone is talking about how you ought to address this with your husband (first), however, unless the secondary actually feels the same way and wants to be with you in more than a casual FWB arrangement, it might be a moot point.
 
While I concur with everyone else that your husband needs to be told the truth, and much depends on his reaction going forward from any confession you choose to make... you cannot overlook the fact that the shape this relationship takes in the future is, in large part, up to your "secondary" (casual sex partner, FWB, whatever he is to you at this moment).

To put it bluntly, do you know/suspect this other man even HAS feelings for you, beyond sexual attraction and perhaps some degree of friendly affection? I know you haven't had any kind of heavy confessional conversation with him about your feelings, but we can almost always get a sense of these things prior to overt discussion.

Everyone is talking about how you ought to address this with your husband (first), however, unless the secondary actually feels the same way and wants to be with you in more than a casual FWB arrangement, it might be a moot point.

But, regardless of whether this particular gentleman returns feelings, she should discuss with her husband that the "rules" meant to keep things "safe" (i.e. sex is ok, but feelings are not) are impractical and not effective. That is part one.

If poly is not an ethical option, then she, in fact, can sever ties and is not required to have the "feelings" conversation with her secondary. In other words, if it isn't on the table, she doesn't need to disclose that she was considering putting it on the table but decided against it.
 
But, regardless of whether this particular gentleman returns feelings, she should discuss with her husband that the "rules" meant to keep things "safe" (i.e. sex is ok, but feelings are not) are impractical and not effective. That is part one.

If poly is not an ethical option, then she, in fact, can sever ties and is not required to have the "feelings" conversation with her secondary. In other words, if it isn't on the table, she doesn't need to disclose that she was considering putting it on the table but decided against it.

As I said in my first response, I agree that the husband needs to be told the truth. However, they are in a non monogamous relationship, and as such, there is no reason to think that just because he is OP's primary, he has the right to simply demand she sever ties with her secondary/casual partner, especially if there are genuine feelings on both sides.

Without going into great detail, I just wondered if there may be some way to gauge the second man's feelings in order to determine if there is even a chance of progressing this relationship on a deeper emotional level, or else why have a potentially protracted and painful conversation with the husband about this possibility, and risk hurting him or creating tensions for no reason? What happens if the OP and her husband go through these heavy talks and eventually come to some agreement, only for OP to be rejected by the other guy?

I guess it may depend on if the OP sees herself as being "poly" at heart, and (in the case of THIS lover deciding he is not interested in anything deeper) if she could see herself in a similar situation with another person in the future. If so, then she definitely needs to talk about ALL the possibilities very candidly with her husband, regardless. If not, it may simply breed distrust and put him on guard re: any future casual sexual encounters she/they may engage in.
 
As I said in my first response, I agree that the husband needs to be told the truth. However, they are in a non monogamous relationship, and as such, there is no reason to think that just because he is OP's primary, he has the right to simply demand she sever ties with her secondary/casual partner, especially if there are genuine feelings on both sides.

They are in a non-monogamous relationship but not necessarily a poly one. Lots of people in open/swinging relationships do have strict rules/agreements about "no feelings" and are expected to "sever ties" if feelings arise - thereby making the question of whether the other party reciprocates a moot point.

Without going into great detail, I just wondered if there may be some way to gauge the second man's feelings in order to determine if there is even a chance of progressing this relationship on a deeper emotional level, or else why have a potentially protracted and painful conversation with the husband about this possibility, and risk hurting him or creating tensions for no reason? What happens if the OP and her husband go through these heavy talks and eventually come to some agreement, only for OP to be rejected by the other guy?

I guess it may depend on if the OP sees herself as being "poly" at heart, and (in the case of THIS lover deciding he is not interested in anything deeper) if she could see herself in a similar situation with another person in the future. If so, then she definitely needs to talk about ALL the possibilities very candidly with her husband, regardless. If not, it may simply breed distrust and put him on guard re: any future casual sexual encounters she/they may engage in.

Aha - I see the disconnect. I am definitely looking at it, NOT in terms of this one guy but in terms of any potential partner ever. If their non-monogamous relationship is based on the assumption that one can choose NOT to develop feels and that assumption has been proven wrong, then the relationship needs to be renegotiated with this new info in mind.
 
Just in case I want to underline that it is probably best to have discussions (note the plural) with your huband before even hinting to the new guy. This forum regularly gets posts from anguished people whose partner talked to the new person first, have determined they are both in love, and want their established partner to cope. Posts from the other side are just as full of pain because, having shared confessions of love with their new partner, people feel an additional obligation not to even pause the relationship despite their desire not to hurt their established partner.

Leetah
 
Back
Top