Triad light switch

Herringritsgirl

New member
I have an odd situation going on in our triad
Please no judgement ask any questions i will do my best to make things clear

Fmf triad
Me and bf have been being turned off and on like a light switch by new gf
When we started this triad all are equal all developed feelings at there own progression not a requirement just a bonus
Gf has had several times we went from tight as hell to she says she needs to and turns off all relationship aspects only continuing bare minimum communication unless she needed help and of course we stepped up helped and she went back to fixing her well now she is having trouble communicating with me because i am the logical i need to understand and you need to understand how you have made us feel
Bf is willing to basiclly accept a bare minimum answer and put our hearts out there yet again to be hurt part of why i have the issue is due to her omission of some things that could have had std concerns i am also the more concious one in this aspect as well i guess i just need her to actually explain?? As well i feel she needs to understand our side while she was just flipping our switches at her whim
Thank you all i appreciate everyone
 
Hi Herringritsgirl,

So, it sounds like your girlfriend was running hot and cold on you, sometimes doing lots of things with you and communicating with you, other times doing nothing with you and not communicating with you. Am I right in saying that?

And she has been less than forthcoming about some STD issues, is that right? and you would like her to explain herself, explain why she has been running hot/cold on you, and why she has been withholding communication. Have you asked her to explain herself? If so, what was her answer?

I hope I can help you figure out what to do.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You are correct
She has been hot and cold with both myself and bf
And correct about the std issues as well
And when she comes back around she runs to him
Never explain to me. Very vague answers to bf and he accepts that as enough
 
That's almost like a kid running to the more lenient parent, it's rather juvenile behavior on her part. On the other hand, maybe your boyfriend shouldn't be so lenient. Maybe he should help maintain more of a united front with you. Such as calling her out and insisting that she give clear and detailed answers. Doesn't sound like he's doing that right now.

Have the three of you sat down together to discuss the issues? If not, that might be something to do. Although I think you should sit down with just the two of you (you and your boyfriend) first to establish that he isn't so easily going to let her off the hook.

It certainly would be nice to know what's going on with her.
 
Let me repeat back what I understand in my own words so I know I got it right. You correct me if I am wrong, ok?

PEOPLE

  • You
  • BF
  • GF

MODEL
  • A triad. Everyone is dating everyone else.

MAIN PROBLEM

GF runs hot and cold and does not explain her behavior.
  • Sometimes she wants to be super tight with both you and BF.
  • Other times she wants do no nothing but bare minimum communication.
  • But if she needs help, she still expects both you and BF to come running to help her instantly and give all you can.

I could be wrong in my guess.... but the triad sounds like it is basically all about her and what she needs when she wants it. Other people's concerns/feelings don't matter.

Is that what it going on here? :confused:


You sound like maybe you feel kinda used. Like....

  • You want explanations for this hot/cold behavior thing.
  • You also want her to acknowledge that this is poor treatment.
  • An emergency -- ok, can let good manners slide and forgive that because emergency. People don't always handle that well.
  • But if this is how it is all the time? That's bad manners and not so hot treatment of people she claims to love/care about/dates.

She wants you to put in tons to the relationship while she puts in very little yet receives LOTS. That might be a great deal for her, but it's not a great deal for you.

BF is ok with being treated this way. Bare minimum work on her end, while he puts in LOTS of work. You are not ok with that dynamic.


SECONDARY PROBLEMS

There's also communication issues. In the past, she has left out things including std concerns. So if you are to continue dating her, you want things to change. More communication and more like she's doing her fair share in the relationship with you.

It bothers you when she decides to "come back" she gives BF some vague answers -- which are good enough to him to take her back on (him + her) side. And she expects him to pass the news on to you and that "automatically" means things are good on the (you+her) side.

Like "pass the buck" communication rather than actually communicating with you directly and actually attending to the (you+ her) side of the triad.


SUGGESTIONS FOR BF

I think in the (you + BF) layer, if he tries to help her do "pass the buck" communication you could say no. "No, thanks. Do not pass the buck. Tell GF to talk to me directly. Thank you."

SUGGESTIONS FOR GF

I think you could talk to her directly about all this. And say that you need things to change on your side if you are to keep dating together. She needs to communicate directly with you. Not send message through BF. And not assume that just because things are cool with (her + BF) that things are cool in the (her + you) tier of the relationship. Each leg is its own thing.

With this hot/cold thing -- you need to be kept in the loop more so you know what is going on. Right now it feels like you are getting used when she wants something and drops you when she doesn't. If she doesn't want to talk and work that out?

I think you could just tell her you are done and stop dating her. You don't seem to enjoy this relationship as it is. So if that's all you can expect to get here and she won't change? Part ways. Seek partners who aren't hot/cold and giving you run around.

If BF keeps on dating her -- tell him it has to be a very separate V because you don't want to deal with this any more. You are a PERSON with feelings, not a THING.

You are not like a power switch appliance like she wants to run the vacuum cleaner now so ON... and she does not want the vacuum cleaner now so OFF.

Galagirl
 
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Galagirl hit things directly
I now have been requesting a talk and since has had 2 more emergencies we both were willing to help yet she has not made further bf gf contact
I honestly want her to walk away
Quit treating both of us in this manner due to numerous concerns
Bf wants her to show she is with it or not
Like a last chance i dont see why
Have made it clear to bf
He keeps excusing her behavior due to her age 18
I am 37 bf 43 i expect communication and explained in the beginning communication was key
Not sure how to communicate when someone will not talk or make excuses so as not to have the conversation or bf allowing continued behavior
Thank you
 
Everything Galagirl said +

You and your bf are separate people, though you're dating this woman as a couple. It isn't a triad if your bf is "yes" and you are "no". So it is not unreasonable for the gf to explain things to your satisfaction or you don't say "yes". No rule says that if bf thinks her explanation and offered only to him is enough you have to put your heart out too.
 
Alright. Sounds like i got the main ideas down ok. Thank you for verifying.

I now have been requesting a talk and since has had 2 more emergencies we both were willing to help yet she has not made further bf gf contact

I honestly want her to walk away

I think you could move on and solve it yourself.

1) You can walk away. You can be done on the (GF+ You) side. Tell her so, and break it off.

2) Stop being willing. A crisis on her part does not automatically make it a crisis on yours. She can call other people in emergency. There's 911. If BF still wants to play that game that's his choice... but you can make your own choice separate from his. You don't have to choose to get involved in new emergencies. You can say "No, thank you. I am not the person to call. We are broken up."

3) You can tell BF if he wants to give her a final chance on the (GF+BF) side of things, that's his and her business. Don't be telling you about it. You are done. Past your limit of tolerance with this.

You sound pretty fed up. And I don't blame you. It sounds unpleasant.

Galagirl
 
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Also, why is your boyfriend so casual with risks around STDs? One thing to have a long fuse. Many do. But health issues won't accommodate emotions or "oops" or give her a second chance because she's 18 or YOU a second chance because you made allowances for age. Caring for her because she's younger isn't only about unconditional bailouts in emergency or allowing unreliability because of age. Caring for her because she is 18 should also cover watching out for serious things she perhaps doesn't take too seriously. Like STDs. She may be 18, but he is 43. Why is he letting it slide?
 
The two of you are simply at vastly different stages in your lives than your girlfriend. This is a huge age disparity, and expecting her to be as "responsible" as you is just not going to happen.

I'm really NOT trying to be judgmental, but you are judging HER for behaving like a not fully-grown 18-year-old. She does stupid things. Now, why a 43-year-old man is being just as cavalier is something you need to figure out and maybe decide that's a deal-breaker for you.

This will continue to be an exercise in frustration.
 
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Thank you all for your input
I agree she needs to take responsibility for her actions and and be responsible
He has fallen somewhat for her and he does fall easily
We recently friendzoned another meta due to her doing similar regarding std and i just do not understand his non chalant attitude?
It is terrifying to me yet i understand everyone has there own opinions but feel that her unwillingness to be honest and communicate show everything
As well he isnt as concerned about std while that is a huge aspect to me personally i have communicated my feelings many many times i guess we just have slightly different ways of looking at that aspect every other aspect of life we totally agree except gf with half butt explanations and her dodging communicating with me
 
Maybe the issues aren't with just the 18 year old? Kinda sounds like you and the boyfriend may not be on the same page, or even the same book.
 
Have you tried communicating with her in person? I would think she would have a harder time dodging that ...
 
Welcome!

Hello; yeah that age disparity is all that matters in my eyes! She's 18yrs old.... If anyone here would truly Expect differently .. That's on y'all.
The obvious is that she's 18 and like anyone normal that age would like to come and go while answering to only themselves.
So, if your not liking the real deal once the fuzzies have worn a bit? Then re' deal clearly with both Bf and Gf don't compromise your health or let them compromise you.
Or if you are and not liking it.. Then... Read from the top down till it makes since!
And repeat
And repeat
And repeat


Yeah crazy nuts huh .. Expecting an 18 yr old to have that skill and experience you do.... Its like expecting monogamy from the rest of us here. Get it
 
Another consideration that you seriously need to think about is that she doesn't care about what YOU think or feel; only about what your boyfriend thinks or feels.

You may have a cowgirl on your hands; young women that age are extremely competitive with other women (I know; I've raised a couple and I remember being that way as well). Is he really worth trying to keep in the end, anyway? By judging from the risks he is willing to take with your health as well as his own?

Before you start saying, "Oh, he would NEVER leave me," just try to look at the situation with a dispassionate eye.

I'm not trying to be negative, but you need to protect yourself.
 
As well he isnt as concerned about std while that is a huge aspect to me personally i have communicated my feelings many many times i guess we just have slightly different ways of looking at that aspect

If he is nonchalant or careless about his health risks?

And you choose to share sex with him? I think you minimize your own risks.

Either be super strict about using safer sex practices with him and/or reassess if you still want to be dating him.

Galagirl
 
Well as of last night bf is stating she has shown true colors and done.
She pulled another need help showed up at his job with car problems he confirmed and stated yes issues no i do not have time to deal with them and sent her on her way
Praying she gets the hint but we will see
Thank you everyone!!
 
Well
He is a business owner and her other car he is customizing and will be finalizing the project over the next month or two
So not only is she now an ex but a current client as well
Kinda makes the situation a little deeper.....
 
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