It's a Texlahoma Story

GirlFromTexlahoma

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" 'It's a Texlahoma story,' she says, much to our pleasure, for Texlahoma is a mythic world we created in which to set many of our stories."
- Douglas Coupland, Generation X

This blog is a place for me to ponder polyamory - both the day to day ups and downs and the meaning of the larger concepts. Comments, discussion, opinions, support, arguments, and/or criticisms are all welcome :)

To get the boring backstory out of the way...

My husband Andy and I met in college and have been together ever since. We officially opened our relationship a few years ago, mostly because we each had sexual interests in which the other had zero interest. Like a lot of couples we started with the "casual sex only, no feelings" rule. That lasted about two months ;) We independently came to the same conclusion - we don't want to bother having sex with people we don't care about, it's not worthwhile or enjoyable for either of us.

We've had our issues - Andy experienced a lot of jealousy in the beginning, mostly because I did a shitty job of handling NRE feelings. I have struggled with anxiety as Andy asks to take person after person off our "messy person/do not date" list. But we talk it through. And we listen. I feel like our relationship is stronger now than it ever has been.

I've always thought of myself as being in an open relationship - polyamory is not something I've thought about until very recently. I'm still not sure if it's where I fit on the non monogamy spectrum :confused:

The funny thing is, by a lot of people's definition of polyamory, Andy and I have been in a poly relationship from the beginning. He and his best friend Stephanie have been each other's "person" for over 20 years, way longer than he's known me.

They don't have a sexual relationship. (Well, not that I know of, anyway ;) I've told him I'm 100% ok with him having sex with her... though it took me a long time to get there... and that he doesn't need to check in with me or even tell me if it happens.) Stephanie has a history of sexual abuse and not-so-healthy sexual relationships, from what I understand they both feel sex would risk everything else they have. And they have a lot -a romantic friendship, a lifelong commitment to their partnership, and a deep love for each other. She functions in our life a co-primary. Andy is her standing plus-one for everything, she's his plus one half the time...they travel together, he sleeps at her house often... They take care of each other whenever someone is sick or going through a tough time.

As for me... I've had great FWBs. I'm currently seeing a guy who is amazing, and could be way more. But I'm struggling with the transition. And trying to figure out why it's so damn hard for me.
 
Definitions, labels, categories... What is a relationship anyway?

I've honestly never given much thought to what I call various relationships in my life. Partly because I think it's far more important what something *is* than what it's called. And partly because I've just assumed that when I did use titles and labels, they were the same ones everyone used. Now I'm thinking that last part is not true - that actually the way I define relationships is very different from other people, at least other poly people.

There was a discussion here recently about the difference between casual and serious relationships... It really surprised me to hear how others saw it. It seemed like a lot of people defined committed vs casual in terms of depth of feeling. I define it very differently.

For me, it's about how entwined and involved someone is in your life, not how strongly you feel about them. I define casual as any relationship where you keep completely separate lives, and committed as a relationship where your lives get tangled together. There are other aspects too of course, I may get into some of that later, but for me that's the big one.

It doesn't have to be an "all the way up the escalator" relationship for me to consider it serious. I see Andy and Stephanie as having a serious, committed relationship, and they don't live together. But they do have a lot of escalator type entanglements. They know all each other's family members and friends. They take each other into consideration when making decisions big or small - Andy thinks about Stephanie's schedule when he plans his vacation time; he's also changed jobs to be able to see her more. Stephanie has a significant influence on how he lives and plans his life. To me, that's what makes it serious. He's willing to make their relationship a priority.

I have never had that with anyone other than Andy. I haven't done any "life arranging" for any of the guys I've dated since we opened our marriage. So, to me, they have all been ... FWBs? I almost feel like even that term is "too much", because my friends are, generally, a much bigger priority in my decision-making than these guys have been. But "friend" is a nice broad term. Friends are important, friends can be people you love intensely. But someone can be a friend, or a friend with benefits, without *necessarily* being a central part of my life.

Where I run into the real clash of definitions is trying to call a relationship "committed" when I don't make it enough of a priority that it influences the rest of my life. I get that people can love each other deeply without prioritizing each other. ( I love my best friend from high school, even though I barely ever talk to her.) But committed? I can't get my head around it, really. Because for me, the "I will compromise, sacrifice, and generally work my ass off to meet your needs, and to keep our relationship happy and healthy" is the commitment.
 
*I was originally going to post this as a reply to a thread on non-escalator relationships, but it got really long and sidetracked so I will post it here instead :)*

I had to step away from this topic for a bit and process some things... I was getting frustrated and upset and I couldn't really figure out why. A few long runs and a good cry later I have a better grasp on it.

Trying to separate depth of feeling from the relationship escalator is incredibly stressful for me, because in truth I don't put much faith in feelings unless they are accompanied by behaviors.

I come from a very screwed up family. I know everybody feels like their family is screwed up, but mine has been prominently featured in the national media for our awfulness. I work in social services and I do not use the term crazy - but my family is bat shit crazy. There have been several suicides, and many attempted murders of one family member by another - only one successful murder, so far. And of course plenty of gaslightighting, stealing, addictions, and scheming.

Most of my life, those people kept me in their fucked up world by saying, "we're your family and we LOVE you." So even as an adult, I'd let myself get pulled back into the mess because LOVE.

I recreated that pattern with my friends in high school and my early college years, surrounding myself with alcoholics and drug addicts who took advantage of me and treated me horribly. But oh, the declarations of undying love and being soulmates and all the other stuff that people say when they are high. Or when they want money so they can get high again.

It took years of therapy for me to get to a place where I could say, "love does not mean I have to accept being treated like shit." A big part of this was learning to look for loving behaviors and loving actions, instead of just focusing on what people say. Another part was learning that if I choose to, I can love my dysfunctional family members but never have any contact with them again.

Having gone through all that ... It's very very difficult for me to "just feel" and be secure in a relationship without some tangible evidence of commitment and caring. I do believe that someone can love me without wanting to spend a ton of time together or introduce me to their friends. But I also believe that my dysfunctional family loved me, so yeah... The fact that someone *feels love* for me is not particularly reassuring.

Digging deep into my history this way was definitely something I needed to do. I don't know what it means for my future, but it helps just to be able to say, non escalator relationships trigger my anxiety and this is why.
 
Thanks for such a bold and courageous and authentic sharing, GFT.

I have only a moment, so I'll be very succinct.

Sadly, the dominant culture (which most of us dwell within) encourages us to mistake needing and wanting with "love" -- and so when some folks say "I love you!" what they are actually saying is "I need you; I want you".

But actual loving is as much about giving and caring for as needing and wanting, and probably even moreso.

If I were to say "I love you," I'd be meaning "I deeply appreciate you."

And I do.:)

Such love is in infinite abundance, if only we will allow it to be so.
 
There was a discussion here recently about the difference between casual and serious relationships... It really surprised me to hear how others saw it. It seemed like a lot of people defined committed vs casual in terms of depth of feeling. I define it very differently.

For me, it's about how entwined and involved someone is in your life, not how strongly you feel about them. I define casual as any relationship where you keep completely separate lives, and committed as a relationship where your lives get tangled together.


I'm very much with you on this. I make life plans with Adam. They keep evolving, but our intention is to be making life plans for the rest of our lives :)

My other friends, Seige, Tech, Chalk, Cheese, Golf, Universe Fan, Trask and so on all have their own life plans with or without other people. I'm excited to hear about those plans. Not live in them. I like visiting. But I don't need to be up close in their lives physically all the time to love them deeply.

Thanks for sharing GFT :)

Evie
 
I've been really struggling with polyamory lately :(

Not with the open relationship/sex with other people part of it, but with the difficulty of having more than one long term, loving partner. My one year anniversary with Dag was part of that. Also, holidays :cool:

I have a lot of happy holiday memories from childhood but no "healthy" ones. I enjoyed Christmas like any kid, probably because I didn't understand yet how truly screwy my family was. There were presents, and a tree, and lots of baking along with our usual dysfunction and violence. :) I had no idea that it was problematic to start drinking bourbon at breakfast to cope with being around extended family. Or that other families didn't end up with half the guests eating Christmas dinner in their parked cars because they had stormed out or been kicked out by the hosts. It honestly didn't seem weird at all to me that our celebration usually ended whenever someone got drunk enough to start waving a shotgun around and threatening either suicide or homicide. How else would you know when to send folks home :rolleyes:

As an adult... Happy, healthy celebrations are important to me. I'm trying to make up for not having that, maybe, or trying to prove something. Or maybe I just like decorating wreaths and baking cookies ;)

This year will be my first Christmas with Dag as a couple. Except... It won't. I put in a lot of effort making sure he'd be welcome at all the Christmas things I usually attend AND that I had plenty of time to spend with just him if he wanted to celebrate just us. But he's spending Christmas with his family. That's how he put it.

And I don't know how to deal with that. It hurts. It hurts that he doesn't want to celebrate with me. It hurts that he doesn't care enough about what I want to make time for something that's important to me. I am in this frustrated, defensive place right now. I feel like saying, fine, then, let's stop calling this a relationship and admit it's just sex, let's just call a spade a spade. Please stop saying you love me and I'm important and then not doing a damn thing to show me that.

But I don't say that to him. Yet. I don't have the emotional bandwidth for it right now, or maybe I just don't have the guts.
 
Have you told Dags that it's important to you to be able to spend at least a little bit of time with him within a day or two of Christmas? Some people are clueless at times about what is important to the people they care about. It's possible that in his mind Christmas is only important to his children, he doesn't really consider how the adults around him feel. I'd make a guess that if I'd been poly when my boys were young, I'd have been guilty of the same type of thing.
 
Hannahfluke, that's a really good point. Christmas for Dag is very kid-centered. It's also a religious holiday for him. Since I have neither kids nor religion he may wonder how it could mean much to me.

I've tried to say it's important ... But I know I have a tendency to downplay my needs. To pretend I'm TOTALLY FINE!!! when inside I'm hurting. Comes from fear of rejection, I think - if I don't ask, I'll never get turned down. Note to self, maybe work on that :rolleyes:
 
I wrote out a reply in your post in the general discussion section...but apparently I did something wrong as the netherlands ate my post :rolleyes:

I agree with Hannahfluke. When my kids were young, the week of Christmas was always crazy/busy, filled with rushing from one gathering or obligation to the next. What little down time I had, was spent with my children. Last year was my first Christmas with two partners. I had much more free time available than past years but because of schedule conflicts, I still wasn't able to see my ex-gf Snow until two days after Christmas. Blue spent Christmas Eve/Christmas morning with Snow, while I was with my kids. I spent the rest of Christmas & the day after with Blue, while Snow was with her children and extended family. It didn't mean we weren't important to one another...just that our schedules didn't line up. We chose a different day to celebrate.

Does Dag make you a priority in his day to day life, Claire? If you were in a crisis situation, would he make you a priority? To me, the extent that someone goes to to make me a priority in day to day life, determines whether I feel important and valued. Not whether I spend a specific day with them :)
 
I notice that over the festive period, I tend not to see my friends who have kids unless I go to something that is child friendly and their kids come along. So I can kind of understand that if I had a partner who had children, I may not see them much over Christmas. Can you guys carve some time after or before the main Christmas period to be together?

I'm hoping that this is something you and Dag can work out between you so you can reach a compromise between his kid and religious Christmas and your need for time together.

IP
 
Does Dag make you a priority in his day to day life, Claire? If you were in a crisis situation, would he make you a priority?

Yes and yes. And you're right, I need to REMEMBER that when I get bent out of shape like this. Dag and I check in with each other every morning and say goodnight every night (in addition to chatting off and on all day). We see each other as often as we possibly can. When I had surgery over the summer, he took time off from work to come take care of me. Why does that stuff vanish from my mind when I am hurting? :confused:

I notice that over the festive period, I tend not to see my friends who have kids unless I go to something that is child friendly and their kids come along. So I can kind of understand that if I had a partner who had children, I may not see them much over Christmas.

I think my disconnect here is that my close friends are like family to me, and I spend Christmas with several of them (and their kids). I'm used to a very entwined, interconnected relationship model with friends as well as partners. My friends' moms "mother" me, I arrange my work schedule to be able to watch my friends' kids during school vacations, that kind of thing.

Whereas Dag really sees the nuclear family as a "thing". Mom-Dad-kids. Biological ties mean something to him. I try to be supportive of that, I think I do a good job. But I will probably never *get* it on a gut level because, well, my dad is the only bio relative I even talk to anymore. Most of the people with whom I share DNA are kind of evil and I don't miss their presence in my life.

In a way, getting shot down about Christmas felt to me like he was saying I wasn't even a close friend. Because in my weird world, if you're a close friend, you celebrate Christmas together. But for Dag, it's a mom-dad-kids-church holiday.

They aren't kidding when they say poly is relationships on hard mode!
 
I had no idea how badly I needed a journaling space until I started writing here :eek: Just getting these emotions out helps so much.

I haven't written here about the big "elephant in the room" in my relationship with Dag - I want a kitchen table poly model and he wants, well, whatever you call the exact opposite of that :cool:

There's a thread about it here

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=77408

and I don't feel like rehashing all of my thoughts because the whole topic depresses me lately. But I did want to include it because I realize I probably sound freaking insane to a lot of folks - my boyfriend is perfect and loves me and treats me great and it's making me miserable! But yeah, honestly that's the truth.

Dag is amazing, and he loves me and treats me well. I think Dag the person is perfect for me. But the way our relationship functions right now, not so perfect for me. I want to be able to go out with my boyfriend and my husband and our friends, all together. To be able to cuddle and watch tv with my boyfriend while my husband is upstairs doing whatever he does in that giant man cave.

Not all the time. Sometimes. My ideal? Maybe one night a week one-on-one date night with husband, one night one-on-one date night with boyfriend, one night group dinner or movie or whatever, the rest of the nights open for me time or one-on-one friend time or ????

Dag wants nothing to do with Andy or my friends. He uses words like awkward, weird, uncomfortable. Ok. I respect that. I have backed off and not mentioned it since I wrote that old thread.

But.

It is a HUGE stress for me that any time I spend with Dag is automatically, without exception, time away from my husband and my friends. As we get emotionally closer, Dag has been wanting more and more time. He wants standing Friday date. Usually fine, but sometimes it means choosing between seeing half a dozen of my best friends and seeing Dag :( He wants full weekends sometimes now, instead of the overnights we've been doing. My being gone Friday night through Sunday night is tough on Andy emotionally so I don't like to do it very often. If we could invite Andy on some of those adventures? Or even include Stephanie or other friends? That would be heaven for me.

So, that's where I am with this, today. That's where the deep discomfort and stress is coming from. I'm just tired and frustrated and burnt out on feeling like this great relationship is taking me away from all the other people in my life.
 
I dealt with this about a year ago, although I was in your husband's position, not yours. At the time, my partner had another partner who wanted things so separate that it was almost DADT, while my partner (and I) wanted a more inclusive way of doing things.

Stuff would come to a head around holidays and birthdays, when my partner resented that he had to "split time" and his other partner resented that I "got to" attend more things because she would bow out when he would refuse not to invite me.

With my partner's permission, I tried to reach out to her and let her know that I was interested in being her teammate rather than her rival for time, and she took it as a condescending affront, like by reaching out to her I was purposefully antagonizing her. While I had thought that if we could only exchange words, she'd understand where I was coming from. I was wrong.

They ended up breaking up (though they had other issues; that was not the only one), and since then, we kind of have a guideline to only date people who are cool with at least being cordial and social in group situations like parties where other partners might be present.

I don't really know what to tell you other than to empathize, because I know it's hard. There really are two schools of thought on this, and it seems devilish hard to mix them in a polycule.
 
I don't really know what to tell you other than to empathize, because I know it's hard. There really are two schools of thought on this, and it seems devilish hard to mix them in a polycule.

Thank you :) It helps A LOT just to realize I'm not the only one who has dealt with this, and that I'm not crazy for feeling like its a big deal.
 
I only got a few hours of sleep last night ... Not feeling my best this morning.

Andy is quite literally on the other side of the world right now. I'm used to him traveling for work but it's usually U.S. or Europe... Where he is now feels very, very far away.

I tried to stay up until 2am so I could check in with him on his layover between flights. (How are there flights in 2015 with no wifi :mad:) I left him a message to call me but instead he sent a text - didn't want to wake me if I had fallen asleep. So sweet. But I didn't really want the sleep as much as I wanted to hear his voice.

I'm seeing Dag tonight - he is soooo excited that we get my house to ourselves for almost a week. I'm just not in the same headspace right now. I miss my husband. Even though it will be wonderful to hang out with Dag, I can't really be happy that Andy's gone.

:(:(:(
 
Life is good today :)

I had an AMAZING night with Dag last night :D

Just feeling sooo much better about... Everything.

We met at a bar near my house, hung out for a couple of hours there, then walked around downtown. I had decided I was NOT going to bring up any heavy emotional stuff, that I would focus on just enjoying the time together. Well, best laid plans and all that :rolleyes: We ended up talking a lot about *us*, and I'm so glad we did.

Turns out he has been feeling a lot of the same things I have - that we don't get enough time together, that we don't make each other enough of a priority. We've both been busy lately and neglecting the relationship a little, I think.

He said that only spending one evening a week together lately has made anxious about our relationship. Made him feel unimportant. And when he feels unimportant, he's afraid to ask for more time or attention because he assumes I'll say no and be upset at him for asking. Hmmm, sounds familiar ;)

So we both agreed to 1) try and find more time, even if it's just short lunch dates and 2) find ways to remind ourselves and each other that this relationship IS important, even when we aren't physically together very often.

The other AMAZING thing that happened last night is that for the first time ever, Dag was comfortable hanging around while I texted Andy. Usually he kind of plays with his own phone (or leaves the room, even) if I need to check in with Andy. But last night I was all boozy and goofing around texting at the bar and Dag was helping me send Andy silly animations and stuff.

At one point Andy wrote, "tell Dag not to drink the xxxx if he wants to stay awake long enough to get some" and Dag laughed and said, tell him thanks for the tip. :D:D:D I know it sounds like such a small insignificant thing but to me it was huge.

Aaaaand later we went back to my house and had The. Best. Sex. Ever. Like, both of us just staring at each other afterwards going "what WAS that?" Dag couldn't stay all night because he had an early morning holiday fair thing at his kids' school... But he stayed long enough that we could fall asleep naked and cuddled together... And wake up in the middle of the night for a second round :eek:

So I'm wrapping presents and decorating and running errands today with a huge grin on my face :)
 
Sunday blahs

There was a thread recently about whether or not people feel an "emotional drop" after overnights with non-nesting partners...I'm feeling the drop today.

I don't usually, but usually I come home from overnights with Dag and Andy is there waiting. The "missing Dag" gets canceled out by the "no longer missing Andy", I guess. Today, Dag left to go spend the day with his kids and I've just been alone all day.

I suck at being alone. I'm like the female Jerry Maguire :rolleyes:

Don't get me wrong, I like SOME alone time. My trail runs and my yoga. A few hours to read or watch a movie. I'm fine on the days Andy works and I'm home. But that's about it. I run out of things to clean and I start to get antsy. I find myself contemplating the five hours left before bedtime and wondering how I will fill them. Gym trip kills an hour plus gets me some social interaction :) Other than that... :confused: I really should have made plans with friends for tonight, I just thought I'd be tired from all the Dag time and want quiet. Ha. I should know myself better than that by now.

Dag texted me earlier feeling guilty that I was alone while he was with his kids. (Both Dag and Andy are wired like me, they want companionship and company and people around them even when they aren't actively engaged with anyone.) Of course I told him was fine and enjoying the quiet day - last thing I ever want is for him to feel guilty about his Dad-time. But I think he knows I'm faking ;) he's been texting the whole afternoon while schlepping the kids around, and he doesn't usually do that.

At least it's morning on the other side of the world now, Andy is waking up and will have a few hours before work to share the burden of Claire neediness :eek:
 
Being Present

I have gotten a lot of advice on this forum about how I need to be "present" and "current" in my relationships - to enjoy the moment. And it's frustrating for me to read that because for the most part I am, and I do. I enjoy and savor every moment with both my guys. I'm fully present when I'm with them, fully in the moment. I'm also completely focused on work when I'm at work, on my friends when I'm with them.

But how the hell am I supposed to be "present" with a partner when that partner isn't present? How am I supposed to be "current" with them when I'm not currently with them?

:confused::confused::confused:

The time I spend with Dag or Andy isn't the problem. It's the times I'm NOT with them. I miss them. Crave them. Especially when I'm alone. It's not like they substitute for each other at all - but when I'm with a partner I do focus on that person and there is less room for the missing and craving to take over.

It's more of an issue with Dag, obviously, because I get more time with Andy than I do with Dag. I can usually go two or three days without seeing a partner before the not-seeing-them starts to really get me down. The only times Andy and I are separated for that long are his longer business trips. Dag and I go three or more days without seeing each other most weeks :(

I know I'm just spinning myself in circles here, analyzing and over thinking it all. Ugh. Gym time. Does people-watching at the gym qualify as living fully in the moment? ;)
 
"Being present" isn't only about physical presence. It's about keeping your mind on the present *moment*, like the fact that they're part of your life, and thinking about the positive aspects of each relationship and each man, rather than dwelling on "they're not here" or worrying about what might happen in the future, or thinking about negative things from the past that might happen again or might affect how things are now.

And if you've read my blog at all, you know I have the same problem with *not* being present...Just because someone understands the concept doesn't make it easy to do.
 
"Being present" isn't only about physical presence. It's about keeping your mind on the present *moment*, like the fact that they're part of your life, and thinking about the positive aspects of each relationship and each man, rather than dwelling on "they're not here" or worrying about what might happen in the future, or thinking about negative things from the past that might happen again or might affect how things are now.

The "what might happen in the future" is the toughest one for me. Uncertainty is not my friend :eek:

Tonight I've been chatting with Dag, made plans to see him tomorrow night. So I'm in a happy place right now, knowing I'll get two nights with him this week. But I hate that I need that to be ok... Hate not being able to just, I don't know, roll with it and take it as it comes.

And if you've read my blog at all, you know I have the same problem with *not* being present...Just because someone understands the concept doesn't make it easy to do.

I have read it and it's very helpful to me :) Which might seem strange since you and I tend to want very different (opposite, sometimes!) things with regard to what you called "poly-blob" ;) But the way you process and work through things - not to mention the honest self-examination - is inspiring.
 
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