There's something compelling about sharing (and reading) personal stories, and I feel like sharing mine with you here. I imagine that rewinding through twenty-odd years of history will take me several weeks or more, but be patient, my friends. I'll get us to the present day as quickly as may be.
Origin: Part One
My poly origin story is a pretty common one. In the beginning, there was a couple, and they opened their relationship. Isn't that how it almost always starts? But I find it interesting to reflect on the attitudes and experiences that predated that opening; the foundations that helped to make my transition to polyamorous relating smoother than average.
I guess my first exposure to the concept of loving more than one person at a time and engaging in multiple honest intimate relationships simultaneously came from reading the unabridged edition of Stranger in a Strange Land during high school. It didn't stand out tremendously to me at the time; I was (and remain still) a voracious reader, particularly of fantasy and science fiction, and I have been exposed to many unusual ideas thereby. Constantly surrounding myself with unusual ideas while feeling like an outsider as I was growing up had some unexpected effects. I think it encouraged me to consider ideas on their own merits and not through the lens of whether they were culturally acceptable or congruent with my preexisting ideas.
It's also true that even then, I had less than the average jealous feelings, and a certain ruthless practicality. When a good friend of mine ended up going to the big dance with the boy I had been dating (because I had too much social anxiety to contend with *dancing*), I was (unexpectedly to her, I think) totally cool with it. I mean, she liked dancing, he liked dancing… certainly they should go to the dance together! I was just annoyed/disappointed that it had to mean that he and I weren't dating anymore. My friend probably thought that my lack of jealousy stemmed from not being terribly emotionally invested in this guy… which was definitely not true, even if I was too shy to kiss him. I was just perfectly content to see two people I cared about enjoying themselves together.
Then came college, and my first serious relationship. My willingness to consider new ideas came in pretty handy when one of my best friends fell in love with me. She fell hard. My friend (I’ll call her Jester) took over a month to come clean to me about her feelings. And boy, did it throw me for a loop. It had never even occurred to me before that moment to ask myself if I could be interested in women! The answer came back with a tentative ‘maybe’ because I cared about her as a person, and was willing to give this romance a try... and by the time a few months had gone by, it had turned into an enthusiastic ‘yes’. Thus started a thirteen year relationship that was not always easy but was always beautiful, and rewarding, and very close.
One of the dynamics of my relationship with Jester was a certain philosophical (at first, and later practical) openness to outside sexual experiences. The women's college we attended fostered a wonderfully sex-positive atmosphere, at least among my group of friends, and both of us identified as bisexual. Jester felt pretty strongly that just because I was in a relationship with her, it shouldn't mean I was forever cut off from exploring the other side of my sexuality. We jokingly (and also semi-seriously) orchestrated some near-misses of threesomes that might have happened if we had only been more confident. It took until after college to make any of it a reality.
The next big influence on Jester’s and my burgeoning curiosity and willingness to explore non-monogamy was a housemate we lived with from the late fall of 2000 until the spring of 2005. It seems like such a short span of years, yet the three of us lived in three different apartments together and shared space at various times with two other housemates and a rotating cast of pets. I’ll call this intensely charismatic, fierce feminist housemate BeeGoddess. Bee set the tone for our joint household, and it was a clothing-optional, sex-positive, anarchist, body-positive, culture-jamming vibe. Damn the patriarchy and pass the glitter silicone dildos/vintage My Little Ponies/rainbow floggers/box of donuts! Bee was into BDSM, and hosted play parties on occasion with our help. Bee was instrumental in developing my attitudes towards safer sex. It was in this environment that I first read The Ethical Slut, and it was with this open, accepting, and playful attitude that I came to my first poly relationship.
It all started… Well. It all started with that long-frustrated ambition of mine to finally explore the other half of my sexuality. It was early July, 2003. A good friend was coming to town, and I made lighthearted plans to try and seduce him. Jester and I were philosophically comfortable with a sexually open relationship, and even though we hadn’t done a great deal about that philosophy yet, we had done enough to know that it wasn’t going to explode our relationship for me to experiment a little. I was interested in doing that experimentation with someone I already trusted and liked. Although Jester’s and my relationship was not the soundest ever (which was only clear in hindsight), we weren’t looking to fix problems in our relationship with this move. It was just what seemed a golden opportunity for some sexy good times.
But even before my friend arrived, my feelings began to shift. So if we’re talking about my transition to a poly relationship, not just an open relationship in general, it all started for me... with a dream.
Origin: Part One
My poly origin story is a pretty common one. In the beginning, there was a couple, and they opened their relationship. Isn't that how it almost always starts? But I find it interesting to reflect on the attitudes and experiences that predated that opening; the foundations that helped to make my transition to polyamorous relating smoother than average.
I guess my first exposure to the concept of loving more than one person at a time and engaging in multiple honest intimate relationships simultaneously came from reading the unabridged edition of Stranger in a Strange Land during high school. It didn't stand out tremendously to me at the time; I was (and remain still) a voracious reader, particularly of fantasy and science fiction, and I have been exposed to many unusual ideas thereby. Constantly surrounding myself with unusual ideas while feeling like an outsider as I was growing up had some unexpected effects. I think it encouraged me to consider ideas on their own merits and not through the lens of whether they were culturally acceptable or congruent with my preexisting ideas.
It's also true that even then, I had less than the average jealous feelings, and a certain ruthless practicality. When a good friend of mine ended up going to the big dance with the boy I had been dating (because I had too much social anxiety to contend with *dancing*), I was (unexpectedly to her, I think) totally cool with it. I mean, she liked dancing, he liked dancing… certainly they should go to the dance together! I was just annoyed/disappointed that it had to mean that he and I weren't dating anymore. My friend probably thought that my lack of jealousy stemmed from not being terribly emotionally invested in this guy… which was definitely not true, even if I was too shy to kiss him. I was just perfectly content to see two people I cared about enjoying themselves together.
Then came college, and my first serious relationship. My willingness to consider new ideas came in pretty handy when one of my best friends fell in love with me. She fell hard. My friend (I’ll call her Jester) took over a month to come clean to me about her feelings. And boy, did it throw me for a loop. It had never even occurred to me before that moment to ask myself if I could be interested in women! The answer came back with a tentative ‘maybe’ because I cared about her as a person, and was willing to give this romance a try... and by the time a few months had gone by, it had turned into an enthusiastic ‘yes’. Thus started a thirteen year relationship that was not always easy but was always beautiful, and rewarding, and very close.
One of the dynamics of my relationship with Jester was a certain philosophical (at first, and later practical) openness to outside sexual experiences. The women's college we attended fostered a wonderfully sex-positive atmosphere, at least among my group of friends, and both of us identified as bisexual. Jester felt pretty strongly that just because I was in a relationship with her, it shouldn't mean I was forever cut off from exploring the other side of my sexuality. We jokingly (and also semi-seriously) orchestrated some near-misses of threesomes that might have happened if we had only been more confident. It took until after college to make any of it a reality.
The next big influence on Jester’s and my burgeoning curiosity and willingness to explore non-monogamy was a housemate we lived with from the late fall of 2000 until the spring of 2005. It seems like such a short span of years, yet the three of us lived in three different apartments together and shared space at various times with two other housemates and a rotating cast of pets. I’ll call this intensely charismatic, fierce feminist housemate BeeGoddess. Bee set the tone for our joint household, and it was a clothing-optional, sex-positive, anarchist, body-positive, culture-jamming vibe. Damn the patriarchy and pass the glitter silicone dildos/vintage My Little Ponies/rainbow floggers/box of donuts! Bee was into BDSM, and hosted play parties on occasion with our help. Bee was instrumental in developing my attitudes towards safer sex. It was in this environment that I first read The Ethical Slut, and it was with this open, accepting, and playful attitude that I came to my first poly relationship.
It all started… Well. It all started with that long-frustrated ambition of mine to finally explore the other half of my sexuality. It was early July, 2003. A good friend was coming to town, and I made lighthearted plans to try and seduce him. Jester and I were philosophically comfortable with a sexually open relationship, and even though we hadn’t done a great deal about that philosophy yet, we had done enough to know that it wasn’t going to explode our relationship for me to experiment a little. I was interested in doing that experimentation with someone I already trusted and liked. Although Jester’s and my relationship was not the soundest ever (which was only clear in hindsight), we weren’t looking to fix problems in our relationship with this move. It was just what seemed a golden opportunity for some sexy good times.
But even before my friend arrived, my feelings began to shift. So if we’re talking about my transition to a poly relationship, not just an open relationship in general, it all started for me... with a dream.