Interesting steps arising.
We spent the weekend of my bday together earlier this month and he made an idle comment within the context of a conversation regarding finances, that he was going "to see a friend" in May.
It was an unusual way for him to word it, that made it obvious he was going to see a girl, because normally he wod just give a name. I let it go without asking.
I know he has a history of dating women who were outrageously possessive.
That weekend wasn't the time to address it.
Today, I asked him if he was planning to elaborate on his trip. He clearly got tense, but he told me he was going to see an ex-girlfriend, with every intention of sleeping with her. He has a self-made porn fetish. His most serious ex destroyed all of his recordings. It really bothers him.
Anyway he added that he wants to replace the videos he had with her.
I knew he was worrying about my reaction. So I thanked him for answering. I didnt say "honestly" because in all the years of our friendship I have never had reason to believe he lied to me about anything. But I wanted him to know that its safe to tell me things-even if they may hurt my feelings, I want us to maintain our comfort in tming honestly and openly to each other as we always have.
He said "I was afraid of hurting your feelings. I wanted to talk about it. But Im not sure how to bring it up. I haven't ever done this before." I assured him I know. His last ex was violently possessive.
We had a pleasant conversation about his plans. I didnt ask for names. I really dont care. She lives many states away, so its not likely she and I will have an opportunity to meet and I am ok with that (I would also be ok meeting her, i dont care either way).
On my way home I pondered this new situation. I haven't dated someone who traveled away to be with another. I contemplated how I felt. What thoughts or fears or concerns or curiousities came to mind.
I have a fear of him not returning hom. I already know its triggered by his sudden and unexpected move out of state some years ago. Its not actually relevant to this Situation. But I was touched by his "Phoenix-I am coming home. Its just a visit." Comment. I hadnt asked for the reassurance. He remembered my distress from before-when we were "just friends". Very sweet.
But also soothing to my soul in a whole other way. The way you are soothed because you know they are paying attention to your needs.
Ultimately the thought that resoundingly came to mind was "I wonder what he looks like when he fucks someone else?" I have watched video of us its intriguing to me (and educational-I never knew I looked so sexy when I get excited). But my curiousity is piqued.
Not saying I will ever know the answer to that question. Its entertaining enough sitting in my mind unanswered.
But I feel good mnowing that mostly I feel nothing regarding this trip he is planning. It doesn't trigger jealousy or anger or fear. It just is.
I imagine when it comes I will feel envious. Because I would LOVE to have an uninterrupted week with him.
But it is MY circumstances that makes that impossible for now.
Overall I feel a sense of righteous dignity and pride. Because I am giving him a gift he has never had before. The gift of love unhindered by possession. Is there any better gift?
I can ALREADY see the changes in him. He is more relaxed in general. He is becoming more confident. He is settling into a stability in our relationship and our schedule/routine of time together and apart.
He is less prone to defend his privacy and independence. More frequently he is asking for more time.
He is seeing that he can actually love me and not be held hostage by chains and bonds that restrict him from fully expressing himself.
It is a fucking beautiful thing to see!
Yesterday he referred to me as his girlfriend in conversation with his mother. She knows we are more than "just friends". She is 71 and he is her youngest child. She has great grandchildren for heavens sake. She isnt naive. But he spoke it aloud and that was new.
I am feeling very proud of how we have navigated things in the last 6 months (tomorrow will be 6 months).
Its such a peaceful feeling not having to defend myself avainst the nudgement and possessiveness I became use to also.
So enlightening how much MORE secure I feel within a relationship that has damn near no restrictions compared to a marriage that held me hostage.