Towards Personal Growth and Other Things

Bluesun

New member
I hope to use this blog to work through my thoughts, feelings and experiences. I do hope to use this process to become a bigger person than I was yesterday and maintain a forward motion in my life.

My intro is here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=73222

I've spent some time being very confused, in a tangle of emotions and thoughts and have tried to unravel how and what I feel and think about everything going on in our lives.

I want to become better, better able to cope with things that are uncomfortable, better able to cope and grow with change, better able to know myself and provide support and love to those in my life when they need it.

My blog probably won't be coherent rather it is likely to be a random jumble of thoughts/feelings/questions/searching.
 
I don't know if I can salvage this relationship.

How does one work through things when the other person doesn't want to put in effort? When the other person sees it as a waste of time. Can't see there are problems or would rather just brush things under the carpet.

I can't do it all on my own you know. It takes more than one person to make a relationship work.

I'm so confused. He doesn't want me to leave but he seems to rather brushing things under the carpet and I can't stand by any more and watch the carpet get bumpier and bumpier. Soon we'll have a mountain under that carpet. This way of doing things isn't working.
 
My eyes are sore. I've spent much of the day crying on and off. Can't understand why I'm so emotional. My partner says he thinks I'm very depressed. Perhaps I'm just hormonal.

I've been trying to sort through my thoughts and feelings. Regardless of what happens, I want this opportunity to be a source of growth for me. Every hardship I've faced, every difficult moment in time has forced me to grow, much like the growing pains a child feels when their bones are outgrowing their muscles. Through all the years, I remember times every couple of years where all of a sudden I would look back and realize what progress I'd made, it seemed sudden but in fact was a process through time.

I want to overcome my insecurities, my jealousies and my fears. I want to be able to do this regardless of whether we "make" it or not., whether I end up having metamours or not, whatever happens I can use whatever comes to develop and grow. I don't want to remain in stagnation, I want to grow.

Although I got married when I was 18 and divorced by the time I was 22, it wasn't until I was 23 that I realized I was indeed a sexual being with attractions both sexual and romantic. As a teenager, I thought my romantic feelings towards a couple of girls I knew must have been how everyone felt towards their friends. It wasn't until I was 23 that I realized my feelings were much stronger than what most people had for some of their friends. I had never had an orgasm until this point nor masturbated, and upon reading a sex book on my 23rd birthday I was converted.

So much shame and guilt came with feeling sexual, with wanting to be with another woman, with wanting to be sexual and romantic with anyone really. My upbringing had taught me that to have any sort of feelings for anyone in "that" way was a sin and you should be punished. My father was supposed to have my heart, I had been told, not just my heart but also my thoughts: control of every aspect of me.

My parents denied I had married at 18, told me I was fornicating because my father hadn't approved of the marriage and so according to Leviticus I was deserving of a stoning before the elders at the city gates. Every time I tried contacting my parents and heard the bible read again and again over the phone while I begged to be spoken to rather than read at, my mother would interject with condemnations of me and accuse me of being a slut.

What I'm trying to say I guess, is with my journey towards accepting myself as a sexual being, actually acknowledging it, it happened rather quickly. In leaps and bounds, I went from not even knowing women could orgasm and thinking sex was the most disgusting thing on earth (and romantic love was just some concoction people made up so that women could be objects for men to use) to finding myself and acting like some teenager. I think I was going through a developmental stage much later than most. Looking back at that young woman, I can hardly recognise her: so foreign. I am very different to how I was back then, there is still some shame at times and some guilt, but I accept pleasure and public gestures of affection without feeling ashamed.

It wasn't easy coming to this place within myself. Rather it was quite painful. I had to force myself to confront my shame and guilt and fears head on. I had to battle the voices in head (not hallucinations, just the sermons and lectures I'd heard many times over the years).

It is the same in many areas of my life. My demons have plagued every aspect of my life, for growing up there was no part of my life that wasn't controlled and managed and scrutinized deeply by those above. Punishments severe and long in nature for everything and nothing. From what I eat to how I eat to what I wear to how I walk and stand and sit and sleep and the expressions on my face and what I feel and think and don't think. I have had to rewrite my life over and over again in painful episodes of deep introspection. And through these rewrites, I've grown. I've also done an awful lot of reading over the years in the growth sessions. I think I'd be a much worse mother if I hadn't have devoured many parenting books (and done a lot of internal work) as all the role models I'd had growing up weren't exactly what you'd call ideal.

I have a long way to go, but I will get there.
 
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I try to wrap my head around how someone can love more than one person at the same time. I've read a lot of articles recently and been trying to absorb and meditate on them.

I look at my children, and I know I love them each deeply and in their own unique way. My eldest is fiery and bubbly, my second is clumsy but very intelligent and affectionate in his own way (he also has aspergers), my youngest's personality comes out more with each day and he is very affectionate and loves to make music at every given opportunity.

I haven't stopped being able to love the first one as much as I did when she was young when my second come along, nor the eldest two when the youngest come along. So why do I find it hard to believe that it's difficult to love two people romantically?

Perhaps it goes back to my own difficulty in crowds/group settings. I grew up very isolated, only being able to venture into the world once every two weeks because we lived in an area bordering the outback. When I made my world into the big world, the cities were dizzying and I found myself retreating into my own shell and just gazing at all the people scurrying around like ants through the city maze.

Then I got married and was isolated again, living in a small dark apartment without knowing many people and being forbidden to go out without my husband by my side. I started experiencing panic attacks when I did go out, shopping was a nightmare, I would feel sweat pour off of me with all those people milling about. How did they cope? How did they interact with each other so fluidly?

After my marriage, I forced myself to interact with people, lots of people, but still struggled each and every time. It has gotten easier over the years, but still I find it stressful and coming home after shopping day I need some time to lower the stress levels that have built up. I don't do well in crowds, I don't do well at parties, or when trying to talk with several people at once. I start to retreat into myself and go very quiet. I do do well at one on one interaction but the more people there are to talk with and interact with, I find myself struggling and wanting to go home and crawl into bed with a good book or dvd.

Wanderings/ramblings to be continued later.
 
Hi Bluesun,

My upbringing had taught me that to have any sort of feelings for anyone in "that" way was a sin and you should be punished. My father was supposed to have my heart....

... Every time I tried contacting my parents and heard the bible read again and again over the phone while I begged to be spoken to rather than read at, my mother would interject with condemnations of me...

Your parents/upbringing sounds very similar to mine. Definitely not easy to identify and unwind all the conditioning that comes with a childhood like that.

Being new here and being that my wife and I are just discovering what living a poly lifestyle is really like in practice, I will refrain from trying to give you any advice... but I did want to say that your choice to use this experience as an opportunity to grow and open is more than commendable. Similar to you, we are using the emotions and turmoil that comes with opening up our marriage to grow, both as individuals and together in our relationship. It's not easy, but it does feel like its the right thing to do.

I truly wish you the best as you walk this path. If there is ever anything I can do to support you please don't hesitate to reach out.

Love,
Carson
 
My eyes are sore. I've spent much of the day crying on and off. Can't understand why I'm so emotional. My partner says he thinks I'm very depressed. Perhaps I'm just hormonal.

I see you are working really hard on yourself to get to a good and kind and accepting place about all this. But this sentence is bullshit, hon.

Of course you are depressed. And I don't mean clinically depressed. I mean grief, rage, sadness, fear at the struggles and horrible losses in life we all experience. You are grieving the old and not sure what will be next. Your life is drastically changing. Your life is hard right now. That alone is a reason to be emotional. It's ok to be emotional (something I constantly work on accepting myself).

Hormones do play a role in our emotions. (Men too in ways that are often not acknowledged.) I am far more likely to be angry rather than sad when near my period. That said, don't use hormones as an excuse to downplay or denigrate what you are experiencing. Don't allow yourself to do this and don't allow your partner to do so either. You are feeling what you are feeling. And that is a positive thing, as painful as it is.
 
Hi Bluesun,



Your parents/upbringing sounds very similar to mine. Definitely not easy to identify and unwind all the conditioning that comes with a childhood like that.

Being new here and being that my wife and I are just discovering what living a poly lifestyle is really like in practice, I will refrain from trying to give you any advice... but I did want to say that your choice to use this experience as an opportunity to grow and open is more than commendable. Similar to you, we are using the emotions and turmoil that comes with opening up our marriage to grow, both as individuals and together in our relationship. It's not easy, but it does feel like its the right thing to do.

I truly wish you the best as you walk this path. If there is ever anything I can do to support you please don't hesitate to reach out.

Love,
Carson

Thank you Carson, growing up with such shame surrounding such issues is difficult, I'm glad you and your wife are working towards finding your own paths. I wish you the best on your paths also. :)
 
I see you are working really hard on yourself to get to a good and kind and accepting place about all this. But this sentence is bullshit, hon.

Of course you are depressed. And I don't mean clinically depressed. I mean grief, rage, sadness, fear at the struggles and horrible losses in life we all experience. You are grieving the old and not sure what will be next. Your life is drastically changing. Your life is hard right now. That alone is a reason to be emotional. It's ok to be emotional (something I constantly work on accepting myself).

Hormones do play a role in our emotions. (Men too in ways that are often not acknowledged.) I am far more likely to be angry rather than sad when near my period. That said, don't use hormones as an excuse to downplay or denigrate what you are experiencing. Don't allow yourself to do this and don't allow your partner to do so either. You are feeling what you are feeling. And that is a positive thing, as painful as it is.

But I think I am somewhat hormonal haha, I get pms starting about a week to two weeks before hand, and I've just weaned my youngest recently and so have had crazy hormonal stuff go on (hot sweats and so on).

But you are right about the emotional stuff being related to big changes. I am afraid and am trying to work out how to deal with my fears.
 
I don't want to cage him in.

I don't want to restrict him.

He is who he is.

I do have my own needs. I need to have honesty and communication in our relationship.

I need to be emotionally close. I need him to spend time with me, to say nice things to me again. When he is with me, I need to feel loved as though I am special to him.

He can't understand why I don't like the idea of DADT. I told him it just doesn't sit right with me, I have had the wool pulled over my eyes so many times in my life, been played with as though I am some dumb dora. I may seem like a reserved dumb dora type, but I am actually rather intelligent and need to be treated with respect.

I don't want to make big rules for him, for his other (future) partners. I don't feel that is my place. If we go into a polyamorous relationship, I don't feel I have the right to decide what happens and doesn't happen with his other relationships. Our relationship will change, that is a given, whatever happens I have to stay a strong stable person for our children, I am the rock in their lives and it's necessary I stay that way.

I've been reading More than Two and read the part about accidental pregnancies. I hadn't thought in terms of what happens if he was using condoms and his lover still fell pregnant but now realize that is still a possibility. Would it be so bad if another child came into the world? My line of thinking and my feelings are ridiculous given the fact that I would probably not feel this way if he had children from a previous relationship. It does sadden me to think of someone else doing the same thing with him. Is that selfish of me? I don't know. I know other women have wanted to raise children with him. His ex-lover whom he had an affair with while I was pregnant was very sad that she had a medical condition that meant she should not get pregnant. She was actually jealous when my son was born. I felt angry when I found out she was having an affair with my partner and was sad for herself that she could not have a child with him - BECAUSE I felt she had no right to be like that considering she was having an affair with "my man", she should go find her own.

I know it's silly of me to have felt that way. She has right to her feelings just as I do mine. I still feel a sting over it though. Perhaps it's because I thought that time period in our life was very different to the reality.

Foolishly I dreamed for something I could not have with him. I wanted a life he is incapable of giving.

Sure there is growth to be had in allowing our relationship to form again in a new evolution, without the expectations of old. But at the same time, I wonder what my place is in all of this? I am very confused. I have all these old paradigms in my head and struggle with seeing things in other lights. Perhaps it would be easier to navigate if we didn't have children, I don't know... I wanted to grow old together, I wanted us to raise our children together as partners, as a team. Where do I fit into all of this? Where do the children?

The uncertainty is so difficult to cope with. I told him years back that one thing I crave in my life is stability. I never had it as a child. Every day was fraught with uncertainties. I would smile one day and be praised and the next be clobbered over the head. I could say one thing one day and the next be beaten with a wooden plank for the same thing. I got kicked out of home as a teenager, not knowing how to navigate the world (the world of was the flesh and the flesh was bad - the world was evil and other people are not to be trusted) and not knowing who you could trust and who you could not. I only had the clothes on my back and an empty handbag. I had to eat out of trashcans. I could not go home. I had no one and nothing. I had become worse than being invisible, I had become a dead person, a ghost. "Dead people can't have children," my mother later told me, "I have no daughter ****, and I have no grandchildren. She died a long time ago."

My life disappeared in the matter of hours. I went from working in my father's business, having an ok day doing the job I'd been assigned, to having my brother appear before me breathless and white, "They want you up at the house. I think you're in big trouble." I walked to the house, the blood draining from my head, I felt weak, I knew what was coming, they'd discovered my writings again, and I knew it was the moment I'd been waiting for. I couldn't/wouldn't lie any more to protect myself from the punishments, it was that moment I would hold onto my integrity for all it was worth. And my moment came, I thought I would die that day. I lay on the ground being kicked over and over again and I found peace. I lost everything that day. A matter of hours and I lost my siblings. My sister running after the car screaming. Me feeling nothing but numbness. Everything, everything gone and me just a third wheel discarded.

Stability: something I want, but was it ever truly possible to ever have? Was it just an illusion I always had in the back of my mind that I could achieve? I wanted to get a house so I wouldn't have to put the kids through moving every six months. I wanted to have someone I could rely on in life and who could rely on me.

Perhaps it's not a matter of whether you can rely on someone who has multiple other partners or is simply monogamous. Perhaps it's a matter of not being able to rely on someone who simply isn't reliable whether they are with just you or multiple people? Perhaps this is where honesty comes into play: if you have someone in your life who is honest with you, maybe you can feel safer in knowing they aren't just going to screw you over and leave you to rot.

I must be one of the most messed up people hahaha. I know my thoughts ramble.
 
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Why is there so little in tv/movies about polyamorous relationships?

How are we supposed to try to come up with good role models if a person has never met a polyamorous couple/triad or whatever you call a multi-person relationship?

My only exposure of anything even remotely close in tv/movies has been Big Love (which was awful to be frank) and parts of the L Word and Queer as Folk. And the last two I mention certainly hold up monogamy as being ideal.

With Big Love, I found the show fascinating, but hated the way the husband was so patronising (and having the last say on everything) with his wives and the bickering that went on between the wives. Constantly trying to one up each other. My god sometimes I simply could not watch any more because the dynamics made me feel sick.

No wonder I find it hard to picture how these things can work well when you have that sort of stuff to go by.

Disney has it's princes and princesses who fall in love with one person who has many obstacles to overcome in order to win the other person. There is no third person gets with the prince and they all "live happily ever after".

Documentaries are great though, I love watching Bruce Parry's adventures as he travels the world spending time with remote and isolated communities. One sticks out in particular where he spend time in a village near the Himalayas where women take more than one husband. It's expected. The husbands are happy to see their wives take another husband. Bruce Parry asked one husband about it, and he seemed very content with the situation. A lot of cultures around the world have had an expectation that their husband or wife will take another. The western world still firmly sticks to a Victorian ideal of love and romance: literature, movies, popular culture put it forth as what humans should strive for.

In Our Cheating Hearts, the author puts forth the proposition that our culture is out of the norm in cultures so far (and cultures around the world) that subscribes to the idea that marriage is for love and if you aren't satisfied you simply hop out and find another. That we are made for monogamy, when people are not machines. One size doesn't fit all, black and white doesn't apply to people, there are many variations in the billions of people upon earth.
 
Having another emotional day.

Been doing a lot of reading. Some makes sense and other stuff gives me the shits. :p

I like the idea of relationship anarchy (it makes the most sense to me), however I still have questions and fears with it.

I keep journaling my thoughts and feelings to try to sift through everything.
 
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