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  #11  
Old 08-14-2014, 12:35 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
...However, I don't feel that the level of my involvement with a lover of mine, whether we are talking about emotional or physical involvement, is anything that a third person has a right to try and control in any way. Otherwise, what am I in a relationship for? It certainly is not to be controlled like a puppet by someone I am not in a relationship with. ..
I agree with you, except she isn't and can't control what the OP does, she can only try to control what he does. It's not about the OP (unless she spoke directly to the OP about it) - it's about them. Whether or not the OP works with this for a while or not is her choice.
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  #12  
Old 08-14-2014, 01:09 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I simply strive to nurture my self-esteem by maintaining and defending my personal boundaries. The quality of a relationship is more important to me than "being poly." I don't need someone else's bullshit in my life. There are plenty of fish out there, as they say.

If I am involved with someone who is new to poly and he and his wife aren't able to handle the very real ramifications of managing multiple loving relationships, one or both of them making up stupid rules about what I can and cannot do won't make them suddenly able to handle it.
"Stupid rules?" "Someone's bullshit?" That's not very compassionate or empathetic.

The wife of the OP is struggling. Take a bike metaphor: she needs training wheels on her bike.

Having recently been in a similar situation with my former bf (though not married to him, I would be the "wife" in this situation), I can relate. I did not try to limit what xbf did sexually with his latest lovers, a married couple. When it comes to sex, in for a penny, in for a pound. Kissing, diddling, oral, intercourse, it's all sex to me. So, that is moot. Obviously it isn't for the wife of the bf of the OP.

Now, lots of texting to new gf during what is supposed to be quality time between husband and wife? That, to me is "stupid" NRE behavior. If it bothers the wife, the husband and she could agree to limiting how long he can be texting new gf during what is supposed to be their couple time.

Overnights? Again, that can be a tough one to handle when one is new to poly. Everyone has their comfort levels about being "left out" when they are new to poly. It can take time to get used to that. I can totally see not wanting overnights at all for a new relationship, for a few weeks at least.

Now, yes, all this can seem hypocritical of the wife, since she had a bf formerly and perhaps her h was fine with his own laissez faire of that relationship. But when the tables turn and now he has a gf and she doesn't have a bf, she is probably surprised by her own envy and jealousy.

In my case, the married couple my bf was suddenly in a triad with wanted a lot of time with him. NRE like MAD. And they also had a hard time planning in advance when they would be free for a date. Also, the husband was jealous of his wife's feelings for my bf and so made a rule all sex was to be 3somes (both men being bi, but new to MM sex).

So, since they had 3 small kids, first of all, both members of the couple needed to be free on an evening, plus they needed to find a sitter. It seems this was hard for them to plan in advance. So I kept getting bumped out when I thought I'd have a day with bf but all of a sudden new people were free at the last moment and I had to just step aside. I tried to get them to try and do a little advance planning, and they wouldn't or couldn't. And when I tried to plan in advance myself, my dates got shorter and shorter to make room for their sudden availability.

I guess I was "stupid" too, to want more consideration.
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  #13  
Old 08-14-2014, 02:20 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I think this is a classic case if the wife's relationship petered out so now shw wants her husband back all to herself. Well tough luck on that I say. He's already in a relationship, I don't think her controlling behavior deserves compassion. Where is the compassion for the girlfriend? Essentially being told to fuck off? Wife makes crazy demand knowing gf will eventually gwt tired and leave then ahe gets what she wants, until of course wife gets another boyfriend.
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  #14  
Old 08-16-2014, 08:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
"Stupid rules?" "Someone's bullshit?" That's not very compassionate or empathetic.
You are quoting what I would call it if a metamour tried to make rules for me to follow. I was only using an example from my perspective: A metamour who is struggling can make all the rules she wants - for herself. She can ask for agreements - from her partner. But a metamour does not call the shots over how I conduct my relationships. If her agreements and rules between her and her partner will affect me, I should be informed of them and I will consider them, but am under no obligation to comply nor accept any of those things that would hamper my ability to manage my own relationship. In that context, what I meant by a "stupid rule" is any rule that a metamour would expect me to follow.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
The wife of the OP is struggling. Take a bike metaphor: she needs training wheels on her bike.
Fine. Find those training wheels and use them, but don't expect the husband's girlfriend to give them to her. The OP is not responsible for his wife's self-esteem or emotional well-being. A struggling metamour expecting to limit my freedom as an autonomous person is not what I would call training wheels. No limits she can place on someone she is not involved with will suddenly make her handle poly well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Now, lots of texting to new gf during what is supposed to be quality time between husband and wife? That, to me is "stupid" NRE behavior. If it bothers the wife, the husband and she could agree to limiting how long he can be texting new gf during what is supposed to be their couple time.
That issue, to me, is just a combination of good manners and time management. If someone needed to be handed a rule about knowing when and when not to text someone, then they probably wouldn't be the type of guy I'd get involved with. I have no qualms about someone saying something like "Sundays and Wednesdays are the days I reserve to be with my wife." I would just automatically give them space and not expect texts on those days. I am not someone that needs to be in touch with a lover every day anyway. But telling me there is a rule against texting every single evening, without any designated for me? That smacks of control issues. No, I would not accept that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Overnights? Again, that can be a tough one to handle when one is new to poly. Everyone has their comfort levels about being "left out" when they are new to poly.
Again, that is for them to work out internally. If it's just a matter of time management and scheduling, okay, I would work with that. But if a metamour just wants to control the pace of how my relationship with her partner develops, that is not respectful of me, and really does nothing to help her handle her issues.

It sounds like the OP's boyfriend and his wife were very unprepared for poly, and yes, as Inyourendo said, the wife is just having a tantrum about being the one without a second partner now, as if it's all okay while everyone is equally hooking up, but not okay if she's feeling left out. I say she needs to put her big girl panties on and deal with the fact that the genie has been let out of the bottle! No amount of superficial "control" she tries to exert over the OP will fix the wife's insecurities.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
In my case, the married couple my bf was suddenly in a triad with wanted a lot of time with him . . . when I tried to plan in advance myself, my dates got shorter and shorter to make room for their sudden availability.

I guess I was "stupid" too, to want more consideration.
Asking for consideration is not the same as making rules. Discussing and negotiating is not the same as dictating.
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