Dealing with sharing

Sille409

New member
I'm looking for support. Been married 40 years--wow! Discovered about 9 years ago that my husband was having an affair, well I called it that until I discovered that polyamory exists. He truly says he has never stopped loving me but loves another as well. I will admit I was blown away. I was hurt. I felt that I wasn't fulfilling him enough. He tells me that isn't true, but I can't help but continue to feel that.

After several years of looking at this arrangement as cheating and dishonest behavior I am really trying to make it work. I was the one who looked into trying to help. He thought he was crazy saying,how could I love two women? I found out that this lifestyle exists.

Again,when I know he is seeing her I can't help but get depressed. How do I handle this?
 
Sorry to know you are depressed. My wife has also turned poly after 13 years of marriage. Her boyfriend is a mature gentleman.

My advice for how to cope with how you feel:

Accept your husband and his poly choice; Maintain your self esteem by taking care of yourself like good workouts, hobbies, learning new things about subjects which interest you, meet your friends, etc.

If possible get to know the other person.

In the end all that matters is how well did you live, how well did you love, and how well did you let it go

Cheer up. Live your life to the fullest. You only get one chance at it.
 
Hi Sille409,

Sorry to hear you are feeling badly. It isn't easy to switch to polyamory when society tells us nonmonogamy is sick and wrong. You have a lot of conditioning to overcome and it won't happen overnight.

When your husband is seeing the other woman, look for ways to treat yourself. Watch a show you like that he doesn't. Work on a hobby (like Accolades123 was saying). Go out and have fun, etc. etc. ... take a break from the day-to-day chores and duties. Give yourself permission to do some fun stuff you wouldn't normally get a chance to do.

Not that those things will save you from feeling depressed; you'll probably still struggle. But, it might take a little of the edge off.

Learn what you can about poly. Keep reading and posting on this forum. Check out the following:

Note that Opening Up and More than Two are books as well as websites. I recommend both. And maybe your husband could read them too. I hope he would.

Maybe that gives you a little to work with for starters.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm looking for support. Been married 40 years--wow! Discovered about 9 years ago that my husband was having an affair, well I called it that until I discovered that polyamory exists. He truly says he has never stopped loving me but loves another as well. I will admit I was blown away. I was hurt. I felt that I wasn't fulfilling him enough. He tells me that isn't true, but I can't help but continue to feel that.

After several years of looking at this arrangement as cheating and dishonest behavior I am really trying to make it work. I was the one who looked into trying to help. He thought he was crazy saying,how could I love two women? I found out that this lifestyle exists.

Again,when I know he is seeing her I can't help but get depressed. How do I handle this?

Just so you're clear. If your husband was seeing someone else behind your back, that's not polyamory, that's cheating. Whilst it may appear that there isn't a lot of difference and polyamory seems to be legal cheating, you'll often find that cheaters aren't suited to it. Mainly because it involves honesty with everyone.

For example, an average poly married guy who believes in honesty will look for a girlfriend and make sure he tells her that they'll never live together or co-parent. This means that a lot of compatible women will pass him by as they are looking for something more primary. The poly guy doesn't mind too much, though, as he knows it's better to wait it out and find someone who also wants a secondary relationship.

A cheater can get away with promising the world to the people he cheats with. He can say that he will leave his wife. He can offer those sorts of incentives to get the person to hang around. The cheater is inherently selfish so they don't care that they are being dishonest to the spouse or leading this new person on.

It's quite possible that opening your relationship for your husband to have other partners (and maybe you) won't work because he's actually looking for what he can get out of lying and cheating. And he'll continue to do that even when you relax the rules.

He needs years of acknowledging how wrong he was for cheating and rebuilding the trust. A cheater who wants to keep the marriage they ruined would have no qualms about doing this, or dumping the person they cheated with. Any suggestion of continuing the relationship with that person is an indication that they don't appreciate the enormity of their actions.
 
It is reasonable to be depressed. Not FUN to feel, but reasonable for the situation.

1) Has he and the gf apologized for the cheating start? Have you done anything to get over the cheating start? Forgiven? Has he made amends?

2) What about you? 9 years knowing about the mistress and viewing it with disdain -- that kind of thing takes a toll.

I see that now you are trying to move on and accept it as a poly "V" with rocky beginnings and NOT view it with disdain. Accept that spouse really loves two people. You are not "less than." Accept spouse has his own journey in this and stuff to accept about himself.

But I think you could have to backtrack to address those two emotional loads (depression, disdain) and lay them to rest before you can feel better. Have you seen a poly counselor?

http://openingup.net/open-list/

Could this help any with the core beliefs?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
Thank you so much for the above links.
The one dealing with jealousy was just what I needed.

I'm working on it. I so appreciate the support I have found here.
 
Edit: bleh should have looked at the date before posting.

I'm looking for support. Been married 40 years--wow! Discovered about 9 years ago that my husband was having an affair, well I called it that until I discovered that polyamory exists. He truly says he has never stopped loving me but loves another as well. I will admit I was blown away. I was hurt. I felt that I wasn't fulfilling him enough. He tells me that isn't true, but I can't help but continue to feel that.

After several years of looking at this arrangement as cheating and dishonest behavior I am really trying to make it work. I was the one who looked into trying to help. He thought he was crazy saying,how could I love two women? I found out that this lifestyle exists.

Again,when I know he is seeing her I can't help but get depressed. How do I handle this?

Your husband isn't poly, he's a cheater. He denied you the information that you needed to make informed decisions about your life. He could have behaved in an honorable and ethical manner and tell you before beginning his affair so that you could have either chosen to be a part of a poly arrangement and gain the benefits of such an arrangement for yourself as well or to end your marriage and find someone who would treat you with the respect that you deserve.

Instead he chose to have his cake and get a little cupcake on the side when you weren't looking.

Listen I get that people make stupid decisions that they later regret, I recently found out that my wife had been cheating on me. The difference between my story and yours is that when her deception was exposed she took full responsibility for her actions cut off all contact with her lovers and focused on rebuilding our relationship.

The fact that polyamory exists doesn't change the fact that he was cheating. More from what you have said here he has shown zero concern for your feelings as well as a basic contempt of your right to agency and self determination.

It's not the sex that makes it cheating, it's the lying, gas lighting and disregard for someone you purportedly care for.

Cheating comes from a place of entitlement and selfishness. The cheater lies first to themselves then to everyone who the claim to love.

Not saying that your husband doesn't love you, but I am saying that he is an unethical asshole. So was my wife but she recognizes it and is taking steps to change that. Your husband doesn'the even seem to recognized or acknowledge what a shitty person he is much less make any efforts to make amends or correct his entitled thinking or crappie behavior.

I honestly recommend dumping and divorcing his selfish ass and find a man or men (or women) who will respect you and treat you decently.
 
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Thank you for your reply.
Although in the beginning I felt the same sentiments you shared I started reading More Than Two in order to learn more about polyamory. My husband has never wavered in showing his love even though one might say that if he cheats how could he really love you. The challenge to all this is he truly has fallen in love with two women. He thought he was crazy-how could this be?-he didn't want to hurt or lose either of us.
Knowing this and also trying to figure out how to handle this, I sought out to find a counselor that dealt with polyamory. Therapy has been enlightening. I was having so many mood swings. One minute I was accepting of this change in lifestyle and the next anger. I knew I was going through the different stages of grief and loss. I was concerned that I was getting stuck.
Talking with a counselor has helped tremendously. She has helped me surface and voice my feelings more- clarified many feelings and in addition has been guiding my husband in managing being a pivot.
For him there is now relief that he doesn't have to hide. It was killing him to be lying to me. Me,on the other hand, I have been working on moving from affair mode to this new lifestyle. Getting rid of mistrusting, insecurities,etc.
Small steps
My motto-"accept what is,let go of what was,have faith in what will be." Life truly is too short to sweat the small stuff. I know that my husband and I are meant to be together. I have a new paradigm in what that looks like.
 
I don't doubt that he loves you nor that it is possible to love more than one person. My issue is that he still behaved like a selfish prick. Does he at least realize how awful his behavior was towards you?

Your reactions are not due to your own insecurities they are the result of someone you love and who claims to love you systematically deceiving you for a prolonged periods of time. They are the natural and predictable result of being betrayed in the most profoundly way possible.

It’s entirely his fault and he should know that he is the one who caused your suffering. He should feel guilty about what he did to you. He should feel awful because it was entirely his doing.

Cloaking his actions in rationalizations about polyamory doesn't change the fact that he behaved horribly to you and treated you in a way that is simply unconscionable.

From the reading I've done here there is a lot of confusion about the difference between a want and a need. He doesn't need two women, he wants them. There isn't anything wrong with that want however there is something wrong with the way he went about satisfying that want.

It’s your life and you have to decide whether you want to live it with someone who showed you so little respect and consideration. I don't have all the details of your situation. But it seems from what you have written that you are in this situation less because you want to be and more out of fear of divorce.

Here's are some questions for you, what has he done to demonstrate remorse for his shitty treatment of you? What consequences has he suffered for his shitty behavior? Do you have the same freedom to seek other companions? Have you acted on it? If so how did he react? If not why not? If he can love more than one woman can he accept the idea of you being in love with another man?

Why have you chosen this path? Is it truly because you accept the idea of a poly lifestyle or is it just your fear of being alone? If the former more power to you. If the later however take advantage of the freedom that a poly arrangement affords you and see just how easy it is for a woman to find male companionship.
 
It sounds to me as though you have a strong trust in your husband and believe that he truly was trying not to hurt you. As long as you are not short changing yourself it is a good thing to see if the two of you can forge a new relationship form. You seem to be making a strong effort to be level headed and give these new ideas a fair consideration.
I hope Your husband, and his Significant Other, are reading along with you and putting at least as much level headed effort into thinking about what is going to work in a way satisfying to you all.

Search and browse around these forums and you will find all kinds of advice and examples of people who have wrestled with the same situation as you. It can be made to work if all involved are truly trying to and the deceit was an out of character behavior that has been completely abandoned.

It may help to keep the idea in mind that all relationships end, one way or another, so the measure of success is not longevity but if the relationship brought happiness and growth before whatever circumstances bring it to an end.

Leetah
 
Dealing with Sharing

You both have touch on thoughts I have felt. Yes, fear is definitely one of them. But I really cannot see my life with him in it. We still are best friends.

We discussed what could happen if I too find someone else. He said that he would be a hypocrite if he objected. Would he feel like I presently have felt, yes.
Am I looking? Honestly, don't even know where to begin to look.
Maybe if I too have another it could add another spark to our relationship. I am sure if someone would be interested in me I certainly would feel renewed. 😉

I want to thank you both for your thoughts and support. It is most appreciated.
 
I am sure if someone would be interested in me I certainly would feel renewed.
Does this comment mean that, while your husband has continued his affair, he has not shown any romantic interest in you? I hope I've misread!

Are you and he totally platonic now, lacking affection, not going on dates with each other? Oh, hon, I hope that's not the case. If he expects you to consent to his having a girlfriend, he had better make efforts to romance you as well and show you how much you are valued and cherished. Otherwise, what's in it for you? Just a breadwinner to pine for while he's out on a date with someone else? Say it isn't so!
 
You both have touch on thoughts I have felt. Yes, fear is definitely one of them. But I really cannot see my life with him in it. We still are best friends.

We discussed what could happen if I too find someone else. He said that he would be a hypocrite if he objected. Would he feel like I presently have felt, yes.
Am I looking? Honestly, don't even know where to begin to look.
Maybe if I too have another it could add another spark to our relationship. I am sure if someone would be interested in me I certainly would feel renewed. ��

I want to thank you both for your thoughts and support. It is most appreciated.

As I regularly tell my wife, all a woman has to do to get laid is not say no. Now finding a partner worth having an actual relationship with is certainly harder but just finding some casual fun well the hard part is just separating the wheat from the chaff.

My main concern is that your husband seems to be utterly oblivious to the utter disrespect his choices showed towards you. I do get what you are going through, when I caught my wife I too couldn't imagine life without her and was uncertain what to do, I too made the decision to stay and give her a chance to earn back my trust. But my situation is different, for one we had been toying with and working towards an open relationship (we just had not agreed yet so her jumping the gun was definitely cheating). Her betrayal was also just sexuality not a full blown romantic affair.

But the key reason that I am still with her rather than in divorce court is that she showed sincere and honest remorse for her choices (the weren't mistakes they were choices) and is working on understanding what was wrong with the thought processes that she used to justify those choices so she can make better more ethical choices in the future.

Honestly if you posted your story anywhere else people would be telling you to get the fuck out of that relationship. Call a good lawyer and take him for every penny you could.

Now I do know that I'd probably have gotten the same response to my own (which is why I haven't posted it anywhere) I know that I am making an emotional decision and ignoring my logical rational side and I am okish with that. Because the basic description of the facts can't convey the change in her attitude towards me. That she was rocked by the potential of our separating and it forced her to reevaluate how she thought about me and remember why she loved me in the first place. We also have young children including one with autism so divorce would be much more disruptive than for most. We also have swung with others in the past so the sex wasn't that big of a deal I was almost as upset with the risks she took meeting strange men with no one knowing where she wss.

I'm not going to judge you for deciding to try and make it work. You have to ask yourself some very hard and important questions. Why do you want to stay in this relationship. Are you truly ok with how he treated you? Has he treated you with love and compassion since his affair came to light?

My biggest concern for you is that trust is very important to making an open relationship work. Infidelity is a very rocky place to use as a base for any relationship. Honestly it sounds to me like you found out about the affair and have glommed onto the idea of polyamory in as a part of your denial over how horribly he treated you.

Now maybe poly will work for you, perhaps once you see how much demand there is for women in this open relationship dating pool you will find that you can get the emotional and physical intimacy that you'very been denied for so long. But you need to start looking out for you.

I feel for you because I know too well what you are going through. The uncontrollable emotional storm that leaves you alternating between crying screaming in rage and anguish. It's literally PTSD the same response that soldiers get to traumatic experiences.

Does your husband know what his actions have done to you? Do his actions and behavior towards you reflect that? If not do a little search on infidelity and PTSD then after you see yourself in the description show it to him and tell him that he did this to you through his shitty selfish choices.

Cause the way I see it, he's suffered no consequences for his choices, in fact he gets the best of both worlds. He gets to keep you as his friend for emotional support while he has his mistress for fun sexy time.

Hell make him read this post so he can be called out for being the inconsiderate shitbag he is.

Then hop on Craigslist or okcupid and find yourself a beefcake of your own and see how he likes a taste of his own medicine.
 
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Dealing with Sharing

Does this comment mean that, while your husband has continued his affair, he has not shown any romantic interest in you? I hope I've misread!

Are you and he totally platonic now, lacking affection, not going on dates with each other? Oh, hon, I hope that's not the case. If he expects you to consent to his having a girlfriend, he had better make efforts to romance you as well and show you how much you are valued and cherished. Otherwise, what's in it for you? Just a breadwinner to pine for while he's out on a date with someone else? Say it isn't so!

No it isn't a platonic relationship. There still is romance. My husband is learning how to handle two hearts. He still has a lot to learn. knowing that I am the primary and SHE is the secondary. Many a time he thinks he is doing something so innocent,as he says, but it is hurtful. Making me not feel important.
Our counselor is truly helping him and also guiding me into better understanding.
Thanks for your thoughts
 
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