Needingadvice22
New member
My relationship has been through many ups and downs, but I have been married for 17 years and I love my wife. We got married way too young and neither of us really knew who we were or what we wanted. At the time, I wanted to be a youth pastor and she wanted to be the dutiful stay at home mom. Fast forward 17 years and I'm closer to a Universalist Gnostic and I have finally realized who I am and not eager to go back to who I kept trying to be before. There are many other things that I have come to realize about myself over the years, but the major one is that I prefer polyamorous relationships. I haven't had one, being still married to a monogamist woman, but I am convinced that's what I would have if I had my preference. My view of love just doesn't have jealousy in it. That's not to say everybody doesn't feel jealous on occasion, but I see that more as a symptom if a problem in a relationship than a sign of love like many monogamists tend to. She is the type to get jealous if I tell another woman that she looks pretty today and I'm the type that if she told me she wanted to go on a date with this guy she met at work, and I thought it would make her happy, then I wouldn't just let her, I would encourage it. Then if want to hear all about it when she got home. So that makes our expressions of love very different. \
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Her idea of a loving man is a jealous man. Occasionally I pretend to be jealous just to put a smile on her face, but it's not genuine. For me, a huge way to show love is freedom. Not that I expect her to suddenly become poly, but just little freedoms make me feel loved. She tries to fake it and give me freedoms, but at the end if the day I can tell she is comfortable with very little and even though she is saying yes, she is in pain inside. It's been a struggle to say the least. \
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That leads me to my big question for this forum. I had some poly friends give me some advice before. I was at my whits end and decided to take it. They essentially said, "If you really feel this way, then tell her. Honesty always breeds more trust even if it isn't what she might want to hear." This resonated with me. I really want an honest sincere relationship even though I knew we were in no place to even open up that door in our relationship, I thought I would be completely honest with her and tell her about my preference. HUGE MISTAKE!!\
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That was over a year ago. Her trust for me has dropped even more than what it was. She was devastated. She just can't get over the idea that I would desire relationships and or sex with others if she allowed it. She can't even comprehend why I would be ok with her being with another man. To her it was a huge slap in the face and a big fat "I don't love you anymore" moment. Even though I expressed that I can live without that lifestyle if it means being with her, the damage was already done. She brings it up constantly. I so wish I could take it back. But now when she asks again, I can't lie. I can't say I wouldn't desire that. \
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What can I say? How can I make her understand that my desire to give her freedom is BECAUSE I love her and not because I don't. I feel like I'm losing her even though I have not once asked her or demanded that we actually have that kind of relationship.
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Her idea of a loving man is a jealous man. Occasionally I pretend to be jealous just to put a smile on her face, but it's not genuine. For me, a huge way to show love is freedom. Not that I expect her to suddenly become poly, but just little freedoms make me feel loved. She tries to fake it and give me freedoms, but at the end if the day I can tell she is comfortable with very little and even though she is saying yes, she is in pain inside. It's been a struggle to say the least. \
\
That leads me to my big question for this forum. I had some poly friends give me some advice before. I was at my whits end and decided to take it. They essentially said, "If you really feel this way, then tell her. Honesty always breeds more trust even if it isn't what she might want to hear." This resonated with me. I really want an honest sincere relationship even though I knew we were in no place to even open up that door in our relationship, I thought I would be completely honest with her and tell her about my preference. HUGE MISTAKE!!\
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That was over a year ago. Her trust for me has dropped even more than what it was. She was devastated. She just can't get over the idea that I would desire relationships and or sex with others if she allowed it. She can't even comprehend why I would be ok with her being with another man. To her it was a huge slap in the face and a big fat "I don't love you anymore" moment. Even though I expressed that I can live without that lifestyle if it means being with her, the damage was already done. She brings it up constantly. I so wish I could take it back. But now when she asks again, I can't lie. I can't say I wouldn't desire that. \
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What can I say? How can I make her understand that my desire to give her freedom is BECAUSE I love her and not because I don't. I feel like I'm losing her even though I have not once asked her or demanded that we actually have that kind of relationship.