Balancing My NeedsWith My Partners???

vansername

New member
The first thing I should explain is that I'm the kind of person who likes to think about other people before myself. I may be in a situation where I should be concerned with my own wellbeing, but, I care more about checking in on friends and such. One of my partners has even pointed out that I could be in a situation that would break other people, but, I'll still ask him about things in his life that he sees as trivial in comparison.

Anyway, that being said, both of my partners have pretty big things going on in their lives. The first, Atty, is actually a transmale. Unfortunately, he isn't out to his (very transphobic) parents. In fact, he's going through the process of trying to transition (he's already seen a gender therapist and he's working on setting up appointments and stuff) and doesn't plan on coming out to them until after he's transitioning and they can't say that he's a female and his gender identity isn't valid. Personally, I support him doing things in whatever manner causes him the least anxiety and stress, and I know that he's making great strides already (he's out to all of his classmates, for example). However, I worry because he'll tell me about upsetting comments his parents have made about members of the trans community.

My other partner, Gabe, struggles a lot with anxiety and depression. He's a vet who lost his leg in the Middle East, and he's only been out of the service for about a year. Obviously, that's enough for a person to try and handle. On top of that though, he was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. Obviously there's a lot of pain and strain and stress that comes along with an illness like this.

My partners are good friends and they know that I worry about both of them and like to check in. They're also willing to serve as soundingboards when I need to talk about my worries in regards to the other (like, Atty will talk to me about Gabe's cancer so I don't stress him by telling him that I'm upset about his cancer), and have assured me that they'll let me know if they're feeling neglected or jealous of the attention the other is receiving, or if they just need a change of topic.It's really hard for me not to worry that they won't actually tell me though, and that they'll just let their annoyance bubble inside.

Then, there's also the fact that I'm very bad at expressing my concern for myself. I tend to fuss over other people and let my own worries and fears and sadness build up until I explode and have to let it out. In the past, this has destroyed both romantic and platonic relationships. Gabe and Atty have assured me that it's okay to talk about myself and that not acting strong 100% of the time isn't going to push them away or something. I'm still kind of worried about it though. So, I guess one thing I'm looking for here is advice an d reassurance in regards to having the strength to tell my partners that I need a moment to be weak, and/or that I love them and want to know about every little moment of their lives, but, right now I need a chance to be selfish and concerned with me.

I'm also looking for advice on making sure I'm not neglecting myself. I have my own medical/mental/ other personal concerns (I was diagnosed with Type I/Juvenile Diabetes at the age of 9, I suffer from anxiety and depression, I have school and work, etc.), but, I'm really bad about ignoring those and trying to use all of my energy to nurture others. About a month or so ago, I actually ended up in the hospital because I was pushing myself too hard physically to provide for my family and had high bloodsugars and severe dehydration as a result. Though I know that my instinct with everything happening in my partners' lives is to drop my own and think about them, I know that I can't afford to do that. Does anyone have any advice for not only splitting my time between my partners and making sure they have all of the emotional support that they need, but also ensuring that I have and use the time to care for my own physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional needs?

Sorry this post is so long, also, I just kept typing until I ran out of things to say....
 
I think sometimes with anxiety and depression, it's even harder to take time for ourselves because if we have time that isn't occupied with other stuff, it gives the anxious/depressive thoughts a chance to take root. As long as we're doing everything for everyone else, we don't have time to think...At least that's how it sometimes works for me.

But it is vital to have time to take care of ourselves. Especially if you have physical health issues on top of mental health issues.

It doesn't sound to me like you need to be worried about how Atty and Gabe will react if you say "I need space right now so I can recharge." It sounds like you need to be worried about what *you* will think of yourself if you aren't meeting every single one of everyone else's needs.

You're an important person, and that means your wants and needs are just as valid as everyone else's. Try to see your worth as something intrinsic to you, not as something dependent upon what you do for others, because it sounds right now like you're only seeing yourself as worth something if you're meeting other people's needs. That isn't how it works, but it is sometimes how depression makes us think it works.

You don't mention whether you're in any type of counseling or therapy, but if you aren't, I'd strongly recommend that you see if something is available to you. I think talking to an unbiased person who isn't involved in any of the other situations will help you get some clarity about how to take care of yourself while still helping others take care of themselves.
 
I was seeing someone, but, she wasn't really a good fit for me. Actually, I've tried several who weren't good fits. It's a long process.

I guess one thing about it is that it's just hard for me to say, "These are two very important people in my life. I would do absolutely anything for them. But, now I'm going to put myself first."
 
I understand how that is. I went through it with my kids after I left their father. I felt like I had to put my own needs and health aside to take care of them, because they're my children.

But here's the thing... If you aren't taking care of yourself, you aren't *able* to take care of others. When you were hospitalized, you couldn't take care of Atty or Gabe, right? And you were hospitalized because you didn't take care of yourself.

Taking care of yourself *is* taking care of the others in your life, because it's giving you the physical and emotional energy to do what they need.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

TBH, this sounds like you could work on your personal boundaries. Not get so caught up in others.

You seem to want balance. Well, then you have start saying

"These are two very important people in my life. I would do absolutely anything for them. But, now I'm going to put myself first."

If you never said it before it is reasonable for it to feel hard to start with. That skill is a muscle you must exercise. If it felt easy you would be doing it already. So just do it. It's not going to get any easier sitting around unused.

have assured me that they'll let me know if they're feeling neglected or jealous of the attention the other is receiving, or if they just need a change of topic.It's really hard for me not to worry that they won't actually tell me though, and that they'll just let their annoyance bubble inside.

They have spoken and made you aware. Why are YOU not willing to take them at their Word? Is their word flaky?

Or are you projecting what YOU do on to them? Because you behave that way (ignoring/bottling things up till you blow) you think all people behave that way? That is you projecting your stuff on others.

That also makes me think of my stuff - your stuff the other way. Are you able to tell when you are taking on other people's stuff for yourself?

I'm very bad at expressing my concern for myself. I tend to fuss over other people and let my own worries and fears and sadness build up until I explode and have to let it out.

Sounds like a skill to develop them. People cannot mind reader you. You are responsible for your well being. You learn to steam valve along the way so you do not blow.

Is it that you secretly hope that if you SUPER care for someone else, they will do same for you, and you will not have to learn the skill to express? Because they will learn your "tells" and then guess and relieve you of the responsibility?

Or is it that you use helping others as a means to "run away" from having to deal with your own stuff? How do you benefit from self neglect? :confused:

Or is it that you fear blows ups so bad that you ignore your stuff (which eventually leads to a blow up) and you think other people secretly behave like you so you try to SUPER CARE for them to defuse their stuff before theirs blows up?

Gabe and Atty have assured me that it's okay to talk about myself and that not acting strong 100% of the time isn't going to push them away or something.

Why are you not willing to believe them at their Word?

I'm looking for here is advice an d reassurance in regards to having the strength to tell my partners that I need a moment to be weak, and/or that I love them and want to know about every little moment of their lives, but, right now I need a chance to be selfish and concerned with me.

It's weird to me that you put evaluation words on it like "strong or weak" rather than just time management words like "I need time to do my stuff first. Ok, now I have time available to help you with your stuff."

Have you considered dropping the whole "strong/weak" thing? Surely you take time to brush your teeth and take a shower and do those bits of self care, right? You don't sit around going "I need a moment to be weak and shower. I need a chance to be selfish and brush my teeth."

You simply are spending time doing your self care. No different than taking time to rest, chill, manage anxiety -- do your other self care stuff. Everyone has their stuff to be doing. Go do it without shame.

You may have to change this attitude of

I'm the kind of person who likes to think about other people before myself.

to

"I am the kind of person who likes to help others. But only after I've done all my own stuff first."

So you can be healthier mentally/emotionally/spiritually. It is NECESSARY to think of you first.

There is

selfish --- self full -- and selfish.

To me it almost sounds like you are so afraid of being called "selfish" that you run the other way to selfless without realizing there's a middle ground.

  • Selfish = memememe! All about me. Ignore other people needs.
  • Selfless = themthemthem! All about them! Ignore my needs.

Both of those are tilted ends of the see-saw. Both are not healthy.

The balanced middle place is

  • Self-full: I meet my needs first so I don't run dry or burn out. Then I am free to gift others my help in meeting their reasonable needs.

Does anyone have any advice for not only splitting my time between my partners and making sure they have all of the emotional support that they need, but also ensuring that I have and use the time to care for my own physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional needs?

Yes. Do your stuff first.

If you were on a plane in an emergency situation, you would put your OWN mask on first, then help others with theirs.

If you hog all the masks for you, that is selfish, and other people die when you don't really need 200 masks.

If you rush to help 200 others to put on theirs without doing yours? You die from lack of air. No use to yourself and cannot help as many others that way. And the ones you don't get do kick it too if they were waiting to be served by you.

If instead everyone makes it their priority to put their own mask on and meet their own need first? That takes care of most of the 200 passengers quickly. Then they help their neighbors like kids or elderly. Bam. In a few minutes, all 200 have one and all hopefully make it through the tough time with a better shot.

Your partners are telling you they can handle putting on their own masks. Let them deal with their stuff. Believe them when they say they will tell you when they are full. They will raise the alert at that point in time. You don't need to be micromanaging.

You deal with your stuff first so you don't risk a backlog building up and you blowing up. You trust them to deal with theirs so they don't blow up.

Do the "My stuff - your stuff" thing. See if that helps you chill.

HTH!

Galagirl
 
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Honestly, I think my worry's probably a combination of projecting my stuff on them and just the fact that I know their minds go to dark places sometimes. Like, with Gabe, there have been suicide attempts and they pretty much came out of the blue. But I guess I have to work on asking if everything's okay and just accepting that. It's definitely not that I don't trust them or believe them. I'm just not used to opening up to people, and I know that Gabe isn't either and he needs a little push sometimes (and that I'm also pretty much the only one he will open up to), and that Atty is self -described as "sensitive". I don't know, I'm probably taking on the pain and fear I sense from them, amplifying it times 1000, and then projecting my bad habits back at them...
 
YOUR STUFF

I don't know, I'm probably taking on the pain and fear I sense from them, amplifying it times 1000, and then projecting my bad habits back at them...

Sounds like you know what your behavior is: You do not check in first to be sure.

That means you can catch yourself and CHANGE the behavior since you want to achieve more balance.

How about stopping to ask clarifying questions rather than jumping the gun and maxing it out? Like...

"Hey, I see your face like ____ and you said _____. I sense some pain or fear there. But I could be wrong. Could you be willing to clarify? Are you hurting or fearful right now? Is there something you'd like to ask me to do?"​

Then you have given opportunity for partner to speak up. If they say no, nothing? You can tell yourself "well, I checked in. Did my job. No requests to sort. So not my concern, I don't have to amp it up to 1000. I'm off the hook. I don't have to be anxious or worry this one."

Again, could do more "my stuff - your stuff" and exercise better boundaries. Reduce your anxiety load. Pick a check in day if you want -- once a week. Then you all know when check in time is. The rest of the week can be chill.

GABE STUFF

Gabe had past sucicide attempts.
  • It is his job to care for himself
  • It is his job to see a counselor
  • It is his job to make a suicide safety plan with counselor if that's part of his treatment
  • It is his job to ask people to serve on it.
  • It's his job to work his plan.

Gabe has a hard time opening up to people. (This is a description. Like "Gabe has blue jeans on." This is not Gabe asking you to do a job)
  • he needs a little push sometimes(<-- Has Gabe asked you to do this pushing job?)

ATTY STUFF

  • Atty is self -described as "sensitive"

This is a descriptive sentence. Like "Atty has blue jeans on." It is not a job. You don't have to do anything here.

Galagirl
 
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Hi vansername,

There is certainly nothing wrong with taking care of your own needs. I think once in awhile you might want to look in a mirror and say out loud, "How are you feeling?" speaking to yourself (your reflection). Then confess to yourself if there's any physical or emotional need of yours that you've been neglecting, and how that makes you feel.

GalaGirl's thoughts and advice are excellent, take them to heart. Ask Gabe and Atty if they are getting what they need from you ... and believe them.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I want to thank you guys for the advice. I'm working on it and have been working on saying, "this is something bothering me" and being able to work with my own problems and have support feels really good. Not worrying is more of a challenge, but, baby steps?
 
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