Being the Newbie to a poly couple- long distance

So excited it's time to go see my couple. It's been a month and I'm looking forward to it. Of course there is one catch my daughters come with me. So it's a very different dynamic. But we all enjoy spending time together with their kids. We are having a double birthday party for my daughter and his son. So when we are in public we are friends. Which almost makes it even more exciting. Then we spend time together after the kids go to bed. Hope everyone has a great weekend.
 
Sounds like you'll have an enjoyable trip.
 
Well I am home from my weekend. I wish I could say that things went great but that was t the case. The first night we got there the husband and I spent some alone time together. That night he told me to sneak in their bed and cide with them. So after the girls went to sleep I snuck in and it was awkward and uncomfortable and not like it usually is. I made the best of it but never really slept. In the early morning I wake up to find my daughter wide awake. She was reading and hadn't left her room but it was a little close for comfort. That day we helped out at their business. They are a very loving couple and I'm happy for them but I feel like I don't belong in their lives sometimes. I it's not that they exclude me it's just they have their routine and I just am
torn. The wife and I and the girls had a fun girls day and helped work on her backyard. It was domesticated and fun but I was insecure the entire weekend so I started to withdraw. The husband kept begging me to not give up before I gave it a chance. But being long distance and not in their routine I can't help but feel I don't belong.. Did anyone else feel this at first? Does it mean I'm but cut out for this? Is this normal?
 
..... I can't help but feel I don't belong..

It sounds like you all tried to push too much intimacy way too soon. You re-met them only three months ago, saw them only once before and on this second visit you were all three sleeping together and being domestic together. Sleeping and domestic life are very, very intimate - things that we do with people we're emotionally committed to or deeply entwined with. Really, the three of you are still very much in the dating phase, but what you did was jump to domesticity, which your relationships are not ready for. It's completely understandable that you felt uneasy about several aspects of your time together. To me, your unease says that your relationship antennae are in fine working order. You may very well indeed belong, but just not yet. You're dating and nobody "belongs" in someone else's home life after just one or two dates.
 
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Fallen Angelina- do you think it's possible that we will ever get past a dating phase given the fact that I live far away. I have no problem staying in the dating phase and yes I guess because of our limited time together we are trying to cram too much too soon. I'm really lost at whether or not I should invest my feelings in this.
 
Pitagal, absolutely it's possible to come together successfully when things start out long distance. I've done it myself (me=Seattle, future husband=New York) and so do millions of others. How you do it is something I'm sure you'll get a lot of good comments about, but I just wanted to say that what you felt is spot on when relationships are new. It's completely possible for you all to slow down and let your intimacies develop at a more sustainable pace.
 
I agree with FA, it's way too soon to for you guys to be getting this domestic. Unfortunately, this is something that happens a lot when couples "bring in" a "third" (usually a girlfriend). They kind of just forget about the whole dating thing, and try to insert him/her into their daily routine like a missing piece of their puzzle. Which is, of course, going to feel weird, for many reasons.

First, you all need to find a way to see each other without the kids. If you were single, would you take your child on your initial dates? No. Neither would they. Usually, even single, mono people do not introduce their dating partners to their children for quite some time. A poly relationship is no different.

Second, there should be no expectation of you spending your time together at their home, doing their stuff, on their routine. When I was wiling to date couples, I had a couple that did that: "oh, just come over and stay the weekend. This is how we make coffee. This is how we make the bed. This is what we listen to in the morning while we get ready. This is what we..." And on and on. The problem was, it was all about them--totally couple-centric--and I was just expected to insert myself in whatever space they decided I should fit. For me to do anything a different way, I had to make a big deal of it, which was very uncomfortable. This is, unfortunately, very common with couples. So, you're not alone in feeling out of place, and it's very likely to continue as long as you are dating an established couple and doing it all in their established space.

If you decide to keep the relationship up, you need to date like you would normally date. Get babysitters for the weekend, and get a hotel, go camping, etc. There is no difference in mono and poly dating in terms of speed at which things should happen. If you were dating a single person with kids, it's unlikely you'd already be spending weekends being all domestic at this stage--there's no reason to do so just because there's more people involved. You wouldn't likely be doing yard or housework with them already, etc.

Also, you should ALL read So Someone Called You a Unicorn Hunter. It may help you verbalize what your feelings are about certain situations, and it may help them see what the pitfalls and dangers are, and how to help mitigate them.
 
My advice is not to try to force a triad. You have to let things happen the way they will; if you form a connection with the husband and love him then fine, but if you try to feel something you don't then things could get crazy and both relationships could be destroyed. I would tell them that you want to consider a closed triad, but, right now, you need to continue building your relationship and see if that's right for you.

As far as building your relationship in an LDR. Just talk. Send messages on Facebook. Send texts. Skype. Hell, even send letters (it's romantic). Whatever you can do to learn about each other and feel connected, do it! Both of my partners are LDRs, so, I know from experience that this works.
 
I'm commenting to follow. I'm in a V also where my partner's girlfriend is long distance. We have a close friendship developing and chat every day too. She says she's really happy and falling for my partner, but she also worries about the future a lot too and feels like she 'doesn't belong' or 'doesn't know where she fits into our lives', so seeing the other side is useful.

Thanks FA for making those points too! They are very helpful. :)
 
I only know about taking things slowly because I've made plenty of missteps in previous LDRs and have learned the hard way (the best way!) that organically developing relationships are the sustainable ones. "Organic" here means that the partners must be able to sit back and allow a good amount of mystery and wonder. If anyone is "trying to make things happen" then that's usually a sign that things are moving along at a pace that doesn't have a sustainable infrastructure. I'm not sure what that infrastructure is, exactly, but that is the mystery part. Good, solid, happy long term relationships are so much more than the individuals involved. You have to be willing to let Trust and Love (and whatever other good forces you believe in) come in and work their mortar magic in their own way. This is how I see it when people get ahead of themselves, as you describe, Pitagal. Your relationship has people stacking lot of bricks, but very little mortar to keep the structure stable.

There is no set pace at which a relationship "should" develop. Some do progress at a rapid rate and are sustainable. The key is to pay attention to your intuition and your feelings as you go along. They will guide you.
 
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Thank you everyone! I really started evaluating and took your advice. I definitely was rushing things because I felt for some reason it was different than regular dating. So I told the husband how I was feeling and that I wanted our relationship to grow organically. And that we were dating and enjoying getting to know each other. Also in my personal life I have turned a corner and realized that I need to love myself first and not try to fit me the square into their circle. I feel much better about trying this out. I'm glad to hear that I was having was healthy concerns. I agree about the kids except the kids think of them as aunt and uncle now. But I have explained to them that I want to go on vacation with them so that I can be who I am and not try to fit into their lives. I was pleasantly surprised that the husband was very understanding and has said that we will slow things down and let things evolve organically. I told him that I felt the relationship was artificial because they were always planning everything without including me. We have also agreed upon regular FaceTime and we are going to watch a show together. The wife and I are reading a book together. I also told him when we are apart we need to still build the connection and learn about each other and share our daily lives with each other. I feel so much better about things now that I have taken my control back. So once again Thank you! And please keep the advice, concerns and tips coming. Next weekend I will be spending my birthday with them for four days without the kids. So I'm excited to see how things go... Have a great day everyone!
 
Thank you! I will keep you updated. This is the only place that I have to be honest about my relationship. I Like that I can chat with people who have more experience then I do or people going through the same thing.
 
I am glad you are slowing it down and not trying to rush intimacy building. Glad you have specific activities (sharing a show, a book) to help build connection and intimacy. REALLY glad you spoke up more about your needs and are realizing you have to love yourself and not square peg/round hole so much.

So kudos! :)

Galagirl
 
Question- Is it normal when in a LDR triad to tell the couple that you are going on a date? Or specifically is it normal for the couple to tell me to have a great time on my date? It actually bothers me. When they ask me if I'm going on a date and they want me to dress up really pretty and they hope I have a great time. For Poly people in guessing this is normal. For me I feel like they want me to find someone else.. Very confusing to me..
 
Question- Is it normal when in a LDR triad to tell the couple that you are going on a date? Or specifically is it normal for the couple to tell me to have a great time on my date? It actually bothers me. When they ask me if I'm going on a date and they want me to dress up really pretty and they hope I have a great time. For Poly people in guessing this is normal. For me I feel like they want me to find someone else.. Very confusing to me..

How would you prefer they respond? With jealousy?

Jealousy in mono relationships is often considered a sign of "love." The emotion is treated a bit different in poly, more of a barrier to overcome.

It DOES sound like they want you to find someone else. Many poly people would be thrilled about this. What would that mean for your triad? Do you have rules about only dating within the triad? Would you break things off with them if you found someone else?

Have you talked to them about this yet?
 
Question- Is it normal when in a LDR triad to tell the couple that you are going on a date? Or specifically is it normal for the couple to tell me to have a great time on my date?

I spend time with a couple and they love to hear about my dates. Yes, they ask and yes, I tell them all about it. They always wish me a great time. This couple and I are not a "triad" in that I consider them (and they consider me) part of a circle of sexually and emotionally intimate friends, and we have absolutely no fidelity rules at all. I think it's great that your couple encourages you to date. Expecting sexual and emotional fidelity early on is often the death knell in many relationships. And as has been said, many poly people do not expect or want this at all.
 
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