feeling frustrated, what would you do?

polywanna

New member
I'm the one who wanted to go from mono to poly. We have been working really hard on communicating until we are exhausted, processing our feelings, figuring out what we want our guidelines to be. We are in therapy.

My husband has asked one person out who said no
He's on an online site and not having luck with it.
I want to talk to my long time friend/crush about whether he's interested in dating. I have been talking to him about this for a month. He was very uncomfortable with it but we have worked through so much.
I really thought he was going to give me the go ahead last night and he didn't. He said he needs more time. And then today I felt really depressed about it. I am trying to go at his pace. He said he feels like he is being selfish and logically it doesn't make sense that he's not ok.
We tales through a lot of his fears. He did tell me it would be easier om him if he already had someone to date. But in therapy she said that it's not right for one person to have to wait for the other one.
I just asked him again if he is ready or if we should wait to talk about it in therapy or what. He said he didn't know.
I'm trying so hard to be patient and understanding but this is upsetting me. What would you do?
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I just asked him again if he is ready or if we should wait to talk about it in therapy or what. He said he didn't know.

I'm trying so hard to be patient and understanding but this is upsetting me.

I see that you are upset. Maybe when you next go to therapy together you can ask him to set a date. If not before X then by X date you can ask your friend out. That gives him time to figure it out so he does know, and if he still does not knobby X -- then you at least have a date so you aren't waiting forever. Is that fair enough?

Could this help any?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/14_steps_to_opening_a_relationship.pdf

Galagirl
 
That's a good idea. It just frustrates me because he says if he had someone already then it would be easier on him, but he is having a hard time finding someone. And it makes me feel like it's not fair and I'm going to go have a little tantrum over how unfair it is like a child.
I'm going to talk to him about it in therapy next time.
 
I agree that setting a date is a way to go. He might not find a partner and it's not fair to you to have to wait especially since he doesn't really want to open your relationship, the date means he can't just drag his feet indefinitely. 6 months should be plenty of time for him to either find a partner or get use to the idea of you having someone else
 
Thank you. I am going to try to get him to agree to that.

For now I'm just not going to say anything because I think we are both tired of talking about it.
 
I guess I'd be inclined to ask that guy out, since my husband said he didn't know. But, asking your husband to set a date makes sense too.
 
Polywanna I am sort of in the same situation. I have found someone and my partener is still looking. I struggled with the worry of things being fair...it is a very hard struggle. I just had to keep telling myself that this type of relationship will not always be fair, there will be times that one of us doesn't have someone and the other does. It was hard for me to come to terms with.

I do have a question....does the therapy help you and your partner to communicate better? I've been thinking about maybe looking into a counselor for my partener and I.
 
Men have a hard time in polyamory are you going to be willing to wait years for him to find a partner? I have been actively poly for YEARS now. I have had 5+ dates to each of my husband Butch's one. Yet he is the social butterfly of the two of us PLUS haven't dated in 3.5 years while he has been open to new partners that whole time. Poly is hard for men especially married ones.

Honestly poly isn't going to go well for your husband is already keeping score and your haven't even started dating yet.
 
Yes therapy helps immensely!

He told me today he thinks he is ok with me approaching my crush. I'm excited. We are going to talk about it in therapy in a few minutes.
I'm going to bring up that point, that it's harder for straight men. If he were bi I think he'd have lots of offers because he's a cross dresser.
 
Glad to hear there's some good news. :D
 
Update: talked to my crush who is a long time friend, he said no because of the distance. It was awkward. That was over a week ago and I'm still upset over it.
My husband has been very sweet and supportive. It has brought us closer but I still feel guilty for being all mopey over another man in front of him. I guess it had to happen sometime right?
 
I do that to Hubby a lot... I don't exactly have much in the way of a support system, so when something has gone wrong with another partner, Hubby's the one I turn to for comfort and support. And sometimes advice. I wouldn't have gotten through what Guy did to me last fall without Hubby and S2, and I wouldn't have gotten through the aftermath of the breakup with S2 without Hubby.

I would say try not to feel guilty about talking to your husband about your disappointment with how things worked out with your crush. If your husband didn't want to be supportive, he wouldn't be. If you're concerned, you could ask him whether you're being too "mopey" or talking too much about the crush, but I would say if he thought you were, he would already have said so.

It seems to me like you're kind of mourning the loss of what you hoped to have with your crush, and that's okay. But on the other hand, you say it's been over a week, so it might be time to redirect your brain to other things. Emotions happen, it's how you handle them that matters, and if you're handling it by staying stuck on the situation and continuing to unload on your husband about it, you aren't being fair to him or yourself.
 
I'm sorry the crush person did not return the feelings and declined.

As for feeling guilty or ashamed about being human in front of your husband because you are feeling disappointed -- why? It is what it is. It's ok to be bummed out some when a crush doesn't feel the same.

He is being kind, this experience has brought you closer... so where is the bad? Could stop judging yourself so you can let this go more easily.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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