Hi,
I'm new to this whole thing and this experience has been a giant rollercoaster with incredible highs and incredible lows. And while I love it, I need to find a way to deal with the lows before I blow the whole thing up.
Backstory - I've been in a monogamous (and happy) marriage for 15 years. We recently opened our marriage to another couple who have also been married for an extended period of time. We've agreed that the sexual contact will remain between the 4 of us (closed) and primary emotional support will be provided by our primary partners. The four of us make an effort to check in with the opposing spouse on a regular basis, just to make sure that everyone is still ok with the relationship and feels that all the boundaries/needs are being met. So very, very logical and organized.
Where it gets confusing (the backstory) ...
My BF and I identify our relationship as lovers. We share an intense physical and emotional connection. We were only together for a couple of months before he confessed he loved me. (His wife actually told me he was falling in love with me before he did.) We can't seem to get enough of each other with constantly sexting. We also walk together (completely platonically absolutely no sex) most mornings before work since both my BF and I enjoy physical activities. (Our spouses have enjoyed "outsourcing" this aspect of our marriages since they are no longer being asked to hike, bike, etc. When I told my Husband and son I wanted to canoe during a joint camping trip, my son immediately asked for my BF's phone number since he had no desire to canoe.)
My problem … She can be very possessive of my BF and controlling by (what I consider) emotionally manipulating him to stay home and not see me. Which is her right and I respect their marriage and methods of communication - We agreed in the very being that the primary spouse would always take precedence over the GF/BF. However, I get depressed when this happens. My husband does his best to provide the emotional support I need but I will eventually get emotional. Which leads me to directly state to my BF that I’m depressed and need attention, which guilts him into seeing me. This is not healthy!! However, I do it without realizing it since direct communication has always been considered healthy in my marriage.
They (my BF and his wife) haven't admitted it, but my demands are going to put a strain on their relationship if it hasn’t already. I don’t want to strain their marriage to the point she closes it but I can’t ignore that I also have feelings and needs. She has closed their marriage before - multiple times because she felt threatened by his GF. I have told her my fears when we’ve had one of our regular check in sessions and she has continued to encourage me to voice my needs. But we usually check in about a week after she’s been controlling and her emotions have stabilized.
What I am supposed to do? I've considered shutting down emotionally (ignoring his txt and asking for a break from walking) but I know that he needs the emotional support when she's being "emotional" and I don't want to hurt him. I should add that the BF and I have gotten close as friends - not just sexual partners. So shutting him out for a week is pretty much the same as walking away from any other friend while they were having relationship problems.
I'm new to this whole thing and this experience has been a giant rollercoaster with incredible highs and incredible lows. And while I love it, I need to find a way to deal with the lows before I blow the whole thing up.
Backstory - I've been in a monogamous (and happy) marriage for 15 years. We recently opened our marriage to another couple who have also been married for an extended period of time. We've agreed that the sexual contact will remain between the 4 of us (closed) and primary emotional support will be provided by our primary partners. The four of us make an effort to check in with the opposing spouse on a regular basis, just to make sure that everyone is still ok with the relationship and feels that all the boundaries/needs are being met. So very, very logical and organized.
Where it gets confusing (the backstory) ...
My BF and I identify our relationship as lovers. We share an intense physical and emotional connection. We were only together for a couple of months before he confessed he loved me. (His wife actually told me he was falling in love with me before he did.) We can't seem to get enough of each other with constantly sexting. We also walk together (completely platonically absolutely no sex) most mornings before work since both my BF and I enjoy physical activities. (Our spouses have enjoyed "outsourcing" this aspect of our marriages since they are no longer being asked to hike, bike, etc. When I told my Husband and son I wanted to canoe during a joint camping trip, my son immediately asked for my BF's phone number since he had no desire to canoe.)
My problem … She can be very possessive of my BF and controlling by (what I consider) emotionally manipulating him to stay home and not see me. Which is her right and I respect their marriage and methods of communication - We agreed in the very being that the primary spouse would always take precedence over the GF/BF. However, I get depressed when this happens. My husband does his best to provide the emotional support I need but I will eventually get emotional. Which leads me to directly state to my BF that I’m depressed and need attention, which guilts him into seeing me. This is not healthy!! However, I do it without realizing it since direct communication has always been considered healthy in my marriage.
They (my BF and his wife) haven't admitted it, but my demands are going to put a strain on their relationship if it hasn’t already. I don’t want to strain their marriage to the point she closes it but I can’t ignore that I also have feelings and needs. She has closed their marriage before - multiple times because she felt threatened by his GF. I have told her my fears when we’ve had one of our regular check in sessions and she has continued to encourage me to voice my needs. But we usually check in about a week after she’s been controlling and her emotions have stabilized.
What I am supposed to do? I've considered shutting down emotionally (ignoring his txt and asking for a break from walking) but I know that he needs the emotional support when she's being "emotional" and I don't want to hurt him. I should add that the BF and I have gotten close as friends - not just sexual partners. So shutting him out for a week is pretty much the same as walking away from any other friend while they were having relationship problems.
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