New and Frustrated

bugsy

New member
Hi,

I'm new to this whole thing and this experience has been a giant rollercoaster with incredible highs and incredible lows. And while I love it, I need to find a way to deal with the lows before I blow the whole thing up.

Backstory - I've been in a monogamous (and happy) marriage for 15 years. We recently opened our marriage to another couple who have also been married for an extended period of time. We've agreed that the sexual contact will remain between the 4 of us (closed) and primary emotional support will be provided by our primary partners. The four of us make an effort to check in with the opposing spouse on a regular basis, just to make sure that everyone is still ok with the relationship and feels that all the boundaries/needs are being met. So very, very logical and organized.

Where it gets confusing (the backstory) ...

My BF and I identify our relationship as lovers. We share an intense physical and emotional connection. We were only together for a couple of months before he confessed he loved me. (His wife actually told me he was falling in love with me before he did.) We can't seem to get enough of each other with constantly sexting. We also walk together (completely platonically absolutely no sex) most mornings before work since both my BF and I enjoy physical activities. (Our spouses have enjoyed "outsourcing" this aspect of our marriages since they are no longer being asked to hike, bike, etc. When I told my Husband and son I wanted to canoe during a joint camping trip, my son immediately asked for my BF's phone number since he had no desire to canoe.)

My problem … She can be very possessive of my BF and controlling by (what I consider) emotionally manipulating him to stay home and not see me. Which is her right and I respect their marriage and methods of communication - We agreed in the very being that the primary spouse would always take precedence over the GF/BF. However, I get depressed when this happens. My husband does his best to provide the emotional support I need but I will eventually get emotional. Which leads me to directly state to my BF that I’m depressed and need attention, which guilts him into seeing me. This is not healthy!! However, I do it without realizing it since direct communication has always been considered healthy in my marriage.

They (my BF and his wife) haven't admitted it, but my demands are going to put a strain on their relationship if it hasn’t already. I don’t want to strain their marriage to the point she closes it but I can’t ignore that I also have feelings and needs. She has closed their marriage before - multiple times because she felt threatened by his GF. I have told her my fears when we’ve had one of our regular check in sessions and she has continued to encourage me to voice my needs. But we usually check in about a week after she’s been controlling and her emotions have stabilized.

What I am supposed to do? I've considered shutting down emotionally (ignoring his txt and asking for a break from walking) but I know that he needs the emotional support when she's being "emotional" and I don't want to hurt him. I should add that the BF and I have gotten close as friends - not just sexual partners. So shutting him out for a week is pretty much the same as walking away from any other friend while they were having relationship problems.
 
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I am sorry you struggle.

I could guess wrong... but I see it as 3 related problems.

PROBLEM 1: Poor agreement writing

"We agreed in the very beginning that the primary spouse would always take precedence over the GF/BF. "

Always in what situations?

  • Always first if medical emergency? Ok.
  • Always first if a kid health thing happens? Ok.
  • Always first always no matter what? You are on a date and she feels like ice cream so she text to buy them some. So end of your date while he goes off to the market?

Ask to update the agreement with specific sirtuations. In future, don't agree to wonky agreements.

PROBLEM 2: LEAKING HINGE - INFO MANAGEMENT

My problem … She can be very possessive of my BF and controlling by (what I consider) emotionally manipulating him to stay home and not see me. Which is her right and I respect their marriage and methods of communication

And how do you know all this? I guess the BF is telling you.

If he asks you out or when you ask your BF out on a date, he is responsible for managing his calendar and clearing his obligations at home so he is actually free before asking you/accepting your invite.

If he has parenting tasks, house chores, a date with his wife already, a work thing, etc... he could tell you "Sorry. I am not free then. How about ___ instead?"

If he responds with "I cannot because my wife blahblahblah and then blahblah" rather than a plain "I cannot" he's oversharing information and dumping his stress on you. Passing the buck.

It's really easy to overlook when our Sweetie is doing this behavior because we rather pin it on the other guy as "the source of the ugh" and keep thinking well of our Sweetie.

But she's not your Ugh. She is HIS ugh.

Your ugh? HE is your ugh for oversharing and dumping his stress stuff on you. The one bringing it to your door is him.

PROBLEM 3: YOUR PERSONAL LIMITATIONS / BOUNDARIES

I've considered shutting down emotionally (ignoring his txt and asking for a break from walking) but I know that he needs the emotional support when she's being "emotional" and I don't want to hurt him.

Sounds like he's been dumping for a while and you are getting fed up.

You don't sound like you were exercising your boundaries along the way. And now you are way overfull. Are you conflict avoidant?

How does it hurt him to tell him you are full and he has to vent elsewhere? Being his GF does not have to mean you are willing and able to aid him 24/7 in all situations.

Your #1 priority -- is YOUR self care. You have to tend to YOU first so you don't burn out, run dry, etc. After that you can gift your help to other people in meeting their reasonable requests.

Additionally -- the purpose of the (you + him) relationship is not about forever propping him up in the (him + her) relationship.

So shutting him out for a week is pretty much the same as walking away from any other friend while they were having relationship problems.

Taking care of yourself and resting is not shutting others out. It's simply caring for you. Any friend would understand that if they have a 100 lb problem, just dumping it all on you is not a kindness or loving behavior when they themselves cannot hold that quantity!

You do not have to "shut him out." Figure out what "size" you are willing/able to do and tell him what size bucket you have so he can know how much is ok and how much is just too much. You are still learning each other. Set your boundaries:

  • You could still take walks to help him reduce his stress. Just no talking. If he blurts, you stop walking for a while.
  • For airing out problems, you can give him Friday at 3 PM for 30 min. Once a week unload. Then the rest of your week you have chill for you.
  • No texting you between the hours of X and Y. And if he does, you tell him not to expect you to respond right away. Then don't respond.

If he has bigger load and needs more buckets to put it in? He can talk to other friends on other days or seek a counselor. Parcel it out in 5 lb loads among many people so it's not a 100 lb burden dump on any one person. Certainly not on you. You could encourage him in this path.

You working within your own personal limitations and making him aware of how much you can hold at a time is not you being disloyal or abandoning him or something.

It's being reasonable and meeting your OWN need for stability/calm/not burn out.

I could be way off base in my guess but in case that POV helps you some...

GL!

Galagirl
 
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Thank you for your reply ... I feeling a bit better about everything. But I’m also seeing him tonight. When things are up in the air, I feel like I’m being punished and I need to walk on water around everyone. That asking for anything is over stepping and causing conflict. Although he never says that. He’ll admit that she’s feeling unattractive, unwanted, depressed and I enfer that I’m the cause of the problems since I absorb a fair amount of his time in general. Once things even out, then it’s all good. I’ve voiced my needs and things have been dealt with accordingly. (Because I’m worth it damn it!)

We don’t have a written agreement. Everything has been verbal. And to when the primary spouses comes first - it’s pretty much when ever they (ie she) is feeling emotional. Which happens about once a month for a week or so. He’s walk away from a date to take care of her. It sucks, but then I’d expect the same from my husband if I felt like I needed him. And one night, he (my husband) did cancel on her to stay with me. There is some give and take. Should we?

We both have kids, so there is a fair amount of accommodating in regards to them. I don’t ever ask for a date - because he isn’t in charge of his schedule. She’s in charge of their household which includes telling him where & when he needs to be somewhere. He’s usually asking for permission and I’m afraid of rejection. We’ve had a informal standing date for Friday night and Sunday morning but that may or may not get swept off the table when she gets emotional. And then he’s hesitant to reschedule since he’s waiting on her mood to stabilize. As long as she’s stable, he can pretty much come out any night after 9pm. It just becomes a matter of being tired the next morning and balancing the married life duties. Again - we’ve agreed that our marriages and family come first. Always.
 
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I don’t ever ask for a date - because he isn’t in charge of his schedule. She’s in charge of their household which includes telling him where & when he needs to be somewhere. He’s usually asking for permission and I’m afraid of rejection.

What's the big deal in you asking? And him saying "No. Not on ____?" It's just sorting calendars. It is not rejecting you as a person.

He may have asked her to manage his calendar for him, but it is still his calendar. He can put things on it by whatever method he employs.

If the method happens to be he forks it over to her because he "hired" her as his calendar secretary, whatever. He doesn't have to be overloading you with the details of how they sort that stuff out at their house. You can tell him to tell you less -- just yes/no/suggest new date. It's only calendars.

Whatever drama they have going on -- it can stay on their side of the fence. Does not have to involve you and you don't have to take it on board for yourself either. He can seek outside help for those problems. It does not have to be you.

You just ask him out when you want to see him. Keep this way simpler on yourself. He either says "yes" or "no." That's his part of the job. If he says "no" so often you feel like you are dating a ghost? Then you break up because HE is not meeting your needs. It's a bummer but not every person you date will be a long haul runner.

To me this whole thing sounds like a personal boundaries issue and you taking things personally like it is YOU rather than the SITUATION.

What's the fear about? That she will ask him to Close? Well, in that situation he can say "ok" or he can say "no" to her. That's not you blowing anything up. That's him having to decide things in his life.

I need to find a way to deal with the lows before I blow the whole thing up.

Do you mean "break up" when you say "blow up?"

If this is all literal rather than you venting frustrations --- that she really does control his whole life and every move -- why are YOU picking these people out? :confused:

YOU can break it off and walk away from unhealthy dynamic like that. There's healthier poly people to date. You don't have to stick around in this wacky.

Every relationship comes with a price of admission. If the price it too high for you to pay and have you still be healthy in it? GO ahead and blow it up. Break it off. You take care of YOU first and remove yourself from a draining situation rather than you figure out how to be ok being drained all the time.

I'm sorry I cannot think of anything else to tell you other than don't be suffering in silence. Speak up. And sort out your boundaries -- you have to figure out what you will and will not put up with.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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Hi bugsy,

If you are going to continue in your relationship with your boyfriend, then I think you already know that the price you'll pay will be to put up with his wife getting all emotional about one week per month, and she will torpedo your dates with him. Since you are willingly giving spouses that kind of priority, you're left with a decision as to whether you're willing to pay that price to be with him or whether you'd rather break up with him.

I also agree with GalaGirl that if you need to take a break, you should do so, even if that means not walking with him for a week or something of that nature. It's not letting him down, it's recharging your own batteries to a functional level. Otherwise you will end up blowing the whole thing up, which you don't want to do.

It doesn't sound like his wife is going to change, so it then falls to you to decide what you're going to do about that. Taking a break is less extreme than breaking up, but I'm not ruling out breaking up as the thing to do either. Think it over carefully.

That's all I can think of for now,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I agree with Kevin. The discord in arrangement making isn't between the spouses, here, it's between the secondary partners, mostly you and.your boyfriend. You've made an agreement to privilege the spouse over the partner, yet when it comes to maintaining this in practice, you do not enjoy the consequences. You also want the security of knowing that your husband will drop everything for you should you desire him too so it doesn't seem like you're willing to drop this general rule of "spouse first". The only difference is that you've exercised this privilege less than she has. But you do want "too much", in my opinion. You want all the benefits of a unrestricted relationship with your boyfriend whilst still ensuring your marriage is put on a pedestal.

The way forward in my opinion is to drop the rule. That's the only way you'll have the grounds to say that you'll no longer accept the cancelled dates etc. This might mean you need to find partners who want this type of egalitarian style of polyamory and will have to let your boyfriend go.
 
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