Looking for options here.
I have two people among the approximately 5 I date, both of whom I love dearly, who are both having "interesting" times with where they want to be with me versus where their nesting partners want. Both metamours are more mono in action than them. Both partners have made offers to me of things that are serious boyfriend/girlfriend-like, as in vacations, extra time that is not during their partners' absence, or stepping in with health issues. With both of them, I've been sometimes let know (and a lot recently) that the offer they made has caused conflict to carry it out severe enough that what we planned may not happen. Sometimes it doesn't. Mainly, the issue is communication between the original couples not being sufficient. With both of them, I'm a unprecedentedly deep poly partner for the current main relationship they have, and am challenging the edges. One is with a mono spouse and my partner dedicated to her as primary, with as deep a relationship with me as he can: the other would like a more even relationship in terms of two primaries while remaining nesting partners with his other person.
Thing is, I'm getting burnt out. It would be hard enough with one; two at once in a short span with this dynamic of steps towards closeness followed by drama is draining more than I feel is good for me. Yet, both are going to bat for what they want with me (for their sake and mine) trying, and communicating.
Because it's relevant, this is what I want:
At least one deeper partner in life to do things with such as vacations, more time, intertwining lives, help with emergencies, etc.
To be able to trust and know that a "yes" is not a "yes, unless a big enough fuss is made." This is big with me. I'm losing patience.
To not put partners in the middle of a power struggle. (As much as it depends on me.)
For my partners to get the life they want, with me or without me
For me to get the life I want, with or without my partners.
A good situation for my kids, which currently, dating mainly during their time with their dad and not having a live-in partner is.
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So a heavily poly situation works because I gain kid-time when my partner is away. But not a drama-filled one. I think I owe it to all of us, kids, partners, and metamours, to be a minimizing force in the drama there
It seems there's some kind of limit I need to set. But I also want to let them feel free to take risks and make mistakes and try things out and come across the limits in their other relationships, and think with how new the situation is, that this is necessary.
So, I'm looking at options on how to protect my heart while giving them freedom to try for what they want- their primary partner and me.
All the ones I can think of fail.
I can back off - but I don't want that. I save that for big things, and this isn't there.
I can say "I only want you to agree to do what your partner agrees to" - but I feel that feeds power struggles in one case, and the other doesn't know what she wants until it happens.
I can go mono- but I love these guys and this life.
I can look elsewhere for my needs to be met- but they are met pretty well now, and I like (and love or feel I will grow to love) my partners I'm dating, and am polysaturated. I can't imagine dating more until some people get eliminated, unless someone really hits the top for me, and honestly, I have the top already in my 5. Several times, at least; possibly all with time.
I can just do stress management, and let the stress be there. This may be my best bet. But other ideas?
I have two people among the approximately 5 I date, both of whom I love dearly, who are both having "interesting" times with where they want to be with me versus where their nesting partners want. Both metamours are more mono in action than them. Both partners have made offers to me of things that are serious boyfriend/girlfriend-like, as in vacations, extra time that is not during their partners' absence, or stepping in with health issues. With both of them, I've been sometimes let know (and a lot recently) that the offer they made has caused conflict to carry it out severe enough that what we planned may not happen. Sometimes it doesn't. Mainly, the issue is communication between the original couples not being sufficient. With both of them, I'm a unprecedentedly deep poly partner for the current main relationship they have, and am challenging the edges. One is with a mono spouse and my partner dedicated to her as primary, with as deep a relationship with me as he can: the other would like a more even relationship in terms of two primaries while remaining nesting partners with his other person.
Thing is, I'm getting burnt out. It would be hard enough with one; two at once in a short span with this dynamic of steps towards closeness followed by drama is draining more than I feel is good for me. Yet, both are going to bat for what they want with me (for their sake and mine) trying, and communicating.
Because it's relevant, this is what I want:
At least one deeper partner in life to do things with such as vacations, more time, intertwining lives, help with emergencies, etc.
To be able to trust and know that a "yes" is not a "yes, unless a big enough fuss is made." This is big with me. I'm losing patience.
To not put partners in the middle of a power struggle. (As much as it depends on me.)
For my partners to get the life they want, with me or without me
For me to get the life I want, with or without my partners.
A good situation for my kids, which currently, dating mainly during their time with their dad and not having a live-in partner is.
-----
So a heavily poly situation works because I gain kid-time when my partner is away. But not a drama-filled one. I think I owe it to all of us, kids, partners, and metamours, to be a minimizing force in the drama there
It seems there's some kind of limit I need to set. But I also want to let them feel free to take risks and make mistakes and try things out and come across the limits in their other relationships, and think with how new the situation is, that this is necessary.
So, I'm looking at options on how to protect my heart while giving them freedom to try for what they want- their primary partner and me.
All the ones I can think of fail.
I can back off - but I don't want that. I save that for big things, and this isn't there.
I can say "I only want you to agree to do what your partner agrees to" - but I feel that feeds power struggles in one case, and the other doesn't know what she wants until it happens.
I can go mono- but I love these guys and this life.
I can look elsewhere for my needs to be met- but they are met pretty well now, and I like (and love or feel I will grow to love) my partners I'm dating, and am polysaturated. I can't imagine dating more until some people get eliminated, unless someone really hits the top for me, and honestly, I have the top already in my 5. Several times, at least; possibly all with time.
I can just do stress management, and let the stress be there. This may be my best bet. But other ideas?
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