It was going so well ...

CarolinaMiz

New member
So I am a PolyWog - yeah I feel like that about right now.

So I wrote out this long detailed story and it just made me cringe. Basically, I started dating a man who identifies as poly and we seemed to hit it off. After of weeks, I'm invited to meet the girlfriend and we seriously hit it off friendship wise. Then at some point during the conversations that night, she comes out with that she really isn't happy with the poly lifestyle but that she wants him to be happy and she doesn't want to lose him so she'll put up with it, he's a good man, she recognizes she can't meet all his needs, etc. I'm stunned and a little horrified. Not to mention uncomfortable when she makes a joke about as long as she stays primary, she won't have to come after me with a gun (not that she has one). I thought that they had been together for a while but no.

It made him feel bad. It made me feel bad. I would not want to cause her pain and I found myself being very protective of her but not sure what I was trying to protect her from. I tried to explain that to him and that we needed to work things out. He has other play partners - or at least one other. Since then it seems a bit stilted and there has been no other mention of us all getting together and socializing. Makes my heart ache.

He says we're still good. :confused:

Thoughts? Suggestions?
 
I am sorry. To me it sounds like you don't want to be part of a poly network where one of his partners is choosing to "go along for the ride" and is more like a "grudging yes" than "joyous yes." That her choice to do... but it's YOUR choice to agree to be in this network like that. If you are not up for that, you could bow out. Get you out of the splash zone.

Galagirl
 
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Honestly, walk away. If she's only doing it to keep him happy it's going to explode at some point into all kinds of drama. The relationship between him and her is their thing, but I could never be comfortable in a relationship where my partner's other partner(s) was "taking one for the team." Especially if she is only even that marginally "okay" with it was if she's completely sure she is "primary" (because if she's already begrudging she will, at some point, feel threatened in that role; and, you're already relegated to that secondary/third box, which is going to be hard to crawl out of).

And, why is he okay being poly with a woman who essentially feels blackmailed into it (doing it to "not lose someone" is, indeed, emotional blackmail). That would say something to me about who he is and how he deals in his relationships.
 
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So I am a PolyWog

Is this a "thing"? Because if it isn't, it should be. It's a great word.



I agree with the others that this sounds like a rocky situation. Don't even begin to try and manage their relationship or the way he does poly (which sounds more like fuckery or at best, very wishful thinking.) I don't have policies about my lovers' other relationships, but I do very much go on the vibes I get. It doesn't matter to me what they are doing or saying so much as how the vibes feel to me. There's joking about getting a gun and then there's joking about getting a gun - could have a huge spectrum of "vibes" attached to that joke. You probably already know everything you need to know about whether this situation feels good to you. Poly dating is just like mono dating in that your senses about a person (people) will loudly communicate to you whether they are for you or not. Shitty feelings are not part of a poly relationship worth hanging on to.
 
I got the PolyWog term from the glossary thread as a newbie to poly ...

The look on his face when she said that first statement made it look like it was brand new to him. That I can believe. Now as to if he was deep into "wishful thinking" .... ehhhh could be as well. I'm thinking he was so sure we would click so well (and we were up to that point) and hoping maybe end up as a big snuggle pile in the bed together that maybe he was pushing her which brought out the feelings.

And I was doing my own wishful thinking as she and I connected - not physically - friendship. So there is the loss of that potential.

I've been told that I am not responsible for their relationship and I am not the one 'hurting' her. Still. I have no direct contact with her so I have to take his word that things are ok unless I push the point to meet together and talk it out. Or ask to meet her alone. I've just been dealing with my own stress (dying pet, school, finances, work) and letting it go for the past two weeks.

Thank you for your thoughts ... It sucks not to have anyone to talk to about these questions ....
 
You are not responsible for their relationship, and you are not the one hurting her. But, for me, knowingly participating in a situation where there isn't active consent (and, for me, "do this or lose me" doesn't constitute active consent) makes me complicit with unethical behavior, which I don't allow in my life.

So, for example, I don't date people who are cheating on their partners. I am "not responsible" for their other relationship or the one directly hurting their partner, but I would be engaging in what I consider unethical behavior of my own by being party to such a situation. Just like being the getaway driver doesn't mean you robbed the bank, but doesn't mean you'd be innocent of the crime, so to speak.

Some of this is because I don't want to deal with unethical people, some of it is completely selfish in that it *always* brings drama. You can do a search on this site for what happens when the "primary" women (it's anecdotally not as common with men, but I have no real way of knowing that for sure) feels threatened. It never ends well for the other partners, and generally creates piles of stress and drama for the "secondary," even if she tries to have nothing to do with it.

Everyone is different, so you have to make the decision that works for you, of course.
 
You are not responsible for their relationship, and you are not the one hurting her. But, for me, knowingly participating in a situation where there isn't active consent ... makes me complicit with unethical behavior, which I don't allow in my life.

Exactly. The whole point of poly OPEN relationships was consent and not coercion.

When she said the comment not to lose him .... it brought out every militant feeling in my body ... NO one NO one should be forced to accept less just to keep the relationship. I said that to her then and she started going - NoNo - I agree with you BUT .....

I believe she said how she feels and then tried to soften it .... and I think she *may* have felt like she had to at that time to defuse the tension.

I will confront you all day long on facts ... but I suck at confronting emotions and feelings. I'm going to have to ask to come together so she and I can talk or wonder why and make the decision to walk away.
 
I'm just learning and certainly don't have any true "sage advice", but I would agree that this is NOT the situation that you want. It definitely sounds like it will implode at some point, unfortunately.
 
I'm not sure how I'd proceed in that circumstance. I guess it would depend on the dynamic. Were they in a mono relationship and she reluctantly agreed to open? If so, I'd be more wary than say, if she knew going into their relationship that he wanted an open relationship and she just didn't communicate that to him (out of fear of losing him.) Of course, so much depends on how he approaches it, too. Just my thoughts :)
 
I think some people are assuming she is coerced, but the OP said it looked like it was news to the husband. I am thinking that maybe the wife has some insecurities and was establishing herself as the primary. OP said the husband had other partners. Are you the first one she has met? I saw in another thread that being friends with your metamour is important to you. That might not be the case with her. My ex was similar in that she preferred to not know my other partners or interact with them at all.
 
So I wrote out this long detailed story and it just made me cringe. Basically, I started dating a man who identifies as poly and we seemed to hit it off. After of weeks, I'm invited to meet the girlfriend and we seriously hit it off friendship wise. Then at some point during the conversations that night, she comes out with that she really isn't happy with the poly lifestyle but that she wants him to be happy and she doesn't want to lose him so she'll put up with it, he's a good man, she recognizes she can't meet all his needs, etc. I'm stunned and a little horrified. Not to mention uncomfortable when she makes a joke about as long as she stays primary, she won't have to come after me with a gun (not that she has one). I thought that they had been together for a while but no.

It made him feel bad. It made me feel bad. I would not want to cause her pain and I found myself being very protective of her but not sure what I was trying to protect her from. I tried to explain that to him and that we needed to work things out. He has other play partners - or at least one other. Since then it seems a bit stilted and there has been no other mention of us all getting together and socializing. Makes my heart ache.

He says we're still good. :confused:

I wonder if this was some sort of preemptive strike to make you feel uncomfortable enough to end things with this man. I also wonder if this was somewhat unconsciously done - as in not with full intent and malice.

But really, it doesn't matter so much. It's going to be if you can handle - and want to handle - being metamours with someone who is not particularly into poly.
 
He said he was open from the beginning about being poly .... had been for years and she knew from the beginning. I know his profile immediately called it out and made it clear what he was and was not looking for in a relationship. He also mentioned that she was a bit isolated and that he thought we could be friends.

I asked - She had met one other woman .... don't know if that was someone he had a relationship with or was just a general meet and it didn't work out.

It had crossed my mind that while I have no other relationships at the moment, he said his other partners were married. So that could play into the dynamics. I have absolutely NO idea why she would be threatened by me - she is younger, pretty, smaller, etc.

:(
 
Looks have nothing to do with threats. When Hubby and I were doing the open marriage thing, which meant he might have other partners, I was constantly afraid that he would meet someone who was easier for him to get along with, or didn't have mental health issues, or someone who wasn't attached to anyone else who would try to break up the marriage. He did have one other partner, and he lied to me twice about things to do with her, the only two times in our entire relationship that he's flat-out, deliberately lied. So with him, I had some reason to be concerned, and that experience is part of why he gave up on having any other partner, even purely sexual. Not because of my concerns, but because of his own behavior.

I had the same fear with S2... and once again I was right to be afraid. Our relationship had deteriorated anyway, but he didn't completely call it over until the day after his first date with another woman he'd been talking to.

It sounds like your metamour is insecure about herself. I know that's the case with me. Her insecurity about herself translates into being insecure about her husband having other partners, because if he ever saw her as "bad" as she sees herself, of course he would leave her. I'm not saying that is what she's thinking, since I can't read minds, but from the perspective of someone who's had the same concerns, that's where it came from for me. Also, because you aren't married, she might be afraid that you're a "cowgirl," and that doesn't have anything to do with looks either.

With both Hubby and S2, though, I told them that I did NOT want them to take my insecurity as a reason not to see other people. My emotions are mine to deal with, not an excuse to make other people do what I want. I told them the only things I would ever ask was that if they did find someone else (assuming they were still with me), they never cancel plans with me in favor of time with her, and they accept and respect that I would occasionally need reassurance that they still loved and wanted me despite having another partner.
 
From another thread:

It takes time for some new to poly people to understand that it's okay to ask ...

... you shouldn't let your fear of a shitstorm convince you to keep quiet about what you want and need.

Well ... here goes nothing ... I asked to get together with them sometime this weekend. Specifically both of them. Waiting to hear back - and I had already asked earlier in the week about their plans for the weekend with no reply.

I'm really afraid I'll back down from the conversation if I'm made to feel like I'm overstepping my boundaries.

UGH
 
No one can make you feel anything. Your emotional reaction is on you. However, you can keep your eyes open and defend YOUR boundaries. Personally, I wouldn't want to socialize with her if I were you, and you really don't have to. You can have your relationship with him on your terms, you know. But if you feel it's important to meet with them and find out more about where she's at, then good for you for requesting a date to do that. I don't know how asking to get together with them could be seen as overstepping boundaries - it's simply am invitation and a request. But if they hand you some bullshit, you can say, "Excuse me? Are you trying to get me to feel like I'm overstepping boundaries or something? Am I out of line for asking to get together with you both, when I would really like to talk about some things with both of you?" Get your indignant face on and mean it.
 
No one can make you feel anything. Your emotional reaction is on you. However, you can keep your eyes open and defend YOUR boundaries. Personally, I wouldn't want to socialize with her if I were you, and you really don't have to. You can have your relationship with him on your terms, you know. But if you feel it's important to meet with them and find out more about where she's at, then good for you for requesting a date to do that. I don't know how asking to get together with them could be seen as overstepping boundaries - it's simply am invitation and a request. But if they hand you some bullshit, you can say, "Excuse me? Are you trying to get me to feel like I'm overstepping boundaries or something? Am I out of line for asking to get together with you both, when I would really like to talk about some things with both of you?" Get your indignant face on and mean it.

Can I borrow your voice and keep it in the back of my head please? :D
 
AND I feel like crap.

We cannot get together this weekend because they are taking some time apart and he is thinking through some things.
 
Why do you feel like crap because of that? He and his gf take some time apart, and he needs to process, so... you feel like crap? Is this empathy for what he must be going through, or are you just imagining a worst-case scenario in your head about where you stand? Or are you just feeling sad about not being able to see him?

Did you ask him if he is okay with how things are going with you? If not, why not?
 
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All of the above.

I know this has to be painful for both of them. And while I didn't cause this - I have to wonder if it started from conversation that night. Maybe not. It could have been brewing for a long time.

I told him I was sorry - I am. I said I felt communication had been awkward but didn't know why (and no - I don't know why I said that to him). Gave him my best thoughts and offered an ear if he wanted to talk - understanding if he wanted alone time and that he knew where I was. That I was sorry for both of them.

I am sorry for both of them. And myself. I know that's selfish but there it is. I wasn't going to offer to rush right over and comfort him because I do think it would be manipulative. And transparent. All I think I can do now is give him the space he wants and hope it works out the best for all of us.

I may check in with him in a few days and see how he's doing and ask what this means for us. Or I may chicken out. We'll see. I didn't expect that response and it threw me.
 
I bet their "separation" is related to the revelation of her true feelings to both of you. You say he looked shocked. Someone who's been honest and forthright about wanting polyamorous relationships and practicing poly is not going to want to prolong her hurting from having acquiesced to something she didn't really want. Of course it would give him pause. And, of course, none of that is your fault.

Please keep us posted on what happens.
 
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