How do I even start to explain??

Hi, I'm new here. I really didn't know whether to put this in this part of the forum or in introductions so please excuse my ignorance!

As a brief introduction...I'm a mostly-straight female (bi-curious) in the UK and I've always been in mono relationships (well only 2 relationships!!) I'm 30 and have been married to my husband for 7 years. We are also Christians and have two young children.

I met a guy on the Internet via a mutual interest and started a friendship, we get on so well as we are so similar. We were just friends, I didn't intend on anything else because I am married. But eventually we realised we care about each other on more than a friendship basis. Well, we absolutely adore and love each other basically. We met for the first time recently (he lives abroad) and just before he came to visit I was on Facebook and stumbled across an article on Polyamory. I thought it looked interesting so I read it (without intent, just pure interest). When I met my friend it was like finding a soulmate.

However, my feelings for my husband haven't changed. I love and adore my husband also. This brought my mind back to the article I read so I've been researching all of this. Now my 'friend' knows I am married and that I have no intention of breaking up my family for him. It makes him very sad because he loves me too. I explained about poly to him and I was shocked with how ok he was with it...

I also looked back to my past long term relationship...I cheated on him twice. I'm not proud of that. But they were guys I had very strong feelings for. Knowing about poly know has just made me feel like I'm not a terrible person for loving more than one person at a time. Just wish I knew back then.

My question is...how on earth do I even bring up this subject with my husband?? I don't want to do anything crazy like say "oh by the way, I'm in love with someone else but still love you, you're ok with sharing me right??". We're both already rethinking our belief systems (me more so than him) so it's a lot right now. Any thoughts on how to bring my views and heart to light without freaking him out?? I'm already finding it hard to get my head around because of how society has made mono the absolute norm.

Thanks in advance for any replies :)
 
You could tell him about the article you found. Let him know how intrigued you are by the subject. You could speculate in a conversational tone about whether anyone you two know might be polyamorous, ask him to read it, and let you know what he thinks of it. You could use the article as a starting point to say you think you could see how it is possible to love more than one person. Then you'd see what his reaction is.
 
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Hi Journeyofawakening,

On the subject of how to introduce your husband to the idea of polyamory, one good post can be found at: http://polyamoryonline.org/smf/index.php?topic=1599.msg9230#msg9230

Eventually you could tell your husband that you'd like to try polyamory, then eventually you could tell him about your friend that you're interested in.

Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for the advice. I brought up the idea of poly to him, not linking it to our situation at all just saying what other people do. He is 100% against it. He feels quite passionate about it.

So...yeah...
 
Thanks for the advice. I brought up the idea of poly to him, not linking it to our situation at all just saying what other people do. He is 100% against it. He feels quite passionate about it.

So...yeah...

Journey, my husband did, as well - at first. But things changed over the months and he softened and became much more open to the idea. It's a huge mind-change to undergo and most people won't be able to alter their life long perspective in one sitting. Just because he had an adamant reaction the first time doesn't mean his attitude is set forever.
 
My advice to you is to cool things a bit with this other friend, you are treading on dangerous territory with him.
1. many would consider your relationship with him as inappropriate and an emotional affair (especially hubby)
2. if you think you want to keep educating your hubby (not coercing or pushing) on polyamory then you need to have patience, it could take months or years of continued talks and reading to "deprogram" the monogamy and sense of ownership that traditional Christian marriages emphasize
3. if you want to practice poly with this friend, you should not give your husband the impression that he is hovering over your marriage or waiting on the sidelines to be called in at a moments notice, it will put your husband on alert and very defensive
4. your husband must not only understand poly but joyfully enter into it with a mind for growth and the experience if you as a couple want to succeed
5. you will need to also cope with your husband finding another love, no double standards!
 
My advice to you is to cool things a bit with this other friend, you are treading on dangerous territory with him.
1. many would consider your relationship with him as inappropriate and an emotional affair (especially hubby)
2. if you think you want to keep educating your hubby (not coercing or pushing) on polyamory then you need to have patience, it could take months or years of continued talks and reading to "deprogram" the monogamy and sense of ownership that traditional Christian marriages emphasize
3. if you want to practice poly with this friend, you should not give your husband the impression that he is hovering over your marriage or waiting on the sidelines to be called in at a moments notice, it will put your husband on alert and very defensive
4. your husband must not only understand poly but joyfully enter into it with a mind for growth and the experience if you as a couple want to succeed
5. you will need to also cope with your husband finding another love, no double standards!

I absolutely agree on every point. Thank you, it's what I needed to hear.
 
I want to completely agree about the concern that you are emotionally cheating on your husband. I'll add that I think it would be helpful to let your friend know that you cannot be involved at this point (emotionally or physically, despite telling him about polyamory). Instead of him waiting around, I hope he can understand that you need to work on things with your husband first and see if your husband is open to the idea of polyamory. If your husband isn't and it's important to you, then you'll have some tough decisions to make. I just hope that your friend isn't waiting around to possibly be in a relationship with you, when it may be months or years.
 
Journey, my husband did, as well - at first. But things changed over the months and he softened and became much more open to the idea. It's a huge mind-change to undergo and most people won't be able to alter their life long perspective in one sitting. Just because he had an adamant reaction the first time doesn't mean his attitude is set forever.

Thanks Karen, I shall not lose hope then. I just don't know how to bring up the subject again really!!
 
I want to completely agree about the concern that you are emotionally cheating on your husband. I'll add that I think it would be helpful to let your friend know that you cannot be involved at this point (emotionally or physically, despite telling him about polyamory). Instead of him waiting around, I hope he can understand that you need to work on things with your husband first and see if your husband is open to the idea of polyamory. If your husband isn't and it's important to you, then you'll have some tough decisions to make. I just hope that your friend isn't waiting around to possibly be in a relationship with you, when it may be months or years.

Yes I agree. My friend and I are taking a break from contact and I've explained the situation to him. It's quite painful when you love someone that much but I can't throw away years of marriage and the fact that I do love my husband. This is also quite confusing and overwhelming for me too, I need time to get my head around it all too.

Wow life is complicated right?? Haha. Thanks for taking the time to reply.
 
Thanks Karen, I shall not lose hope then. I just don't know how to bring up the subject again really!!......This is also quite confusing and overwhelming for me too, I need time to get my head around it all too.

You don't need to keep bringing it up for things to change and in fact, first you yourself really need time to change your own perspective, as you've said. Relationships reflect what we've got going on inside and your present situation with the two men you love sounds to be perfectly reflecting the unsettled terrain inside. People enter into secret emotional affairs when they themselves are unsure about what they want. The emotional affair reflects the competing desires within. I encourage you to use this time to become more settled in yourself regarding your own desires: Is your religious based home life something that continues to meet your needs? Are you interested in branching out, getting to know new perspectives? Is your sexuality calling from inside in a way that has perhaps been dormant? Just a few possible questions to ponder as you slowly open to yourself. Relationships always mirror our inner lives, so the more you embrace your own questions, desires and curiosities, the more your outer life will morph and accommodate you. Really.

You don't have to make declarations to anyone in order to go on your inner journey. Many people attempt (with frustrating results) to change their outer circumstances while their inner life is in turmoil, hoping that the change in behavior in others will soothe their concerns. But lasting, peaceful change doesn't work that way. Any real and lasting change you experience around you only happens because you have changed in a real and lasting way. When you come to a place where you're more familiar and at peace with your interests, desires, sexuality, questions, etc. you'll see the people around you shift in pleasing, natural, seemingly effortless ways that you never could have orchestrated from your place of unsettled confusion.
 
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My question is...how on earth do I even bring up this subject with my husband?? I don't want to do anything crazy like say "oh by the way, I'm in love with someone else but still love you, you're ok with sharing me right??". We're both already rethinking our belief systems (me more so than him) so it's a lot right now. Any thoughts on how to bring my views and heart to light without freaking him out?? I'm already finding it hard to get my head around because of how society has made mono the absolute norm.

a couple of quick question : what does rethinking our belief systems mean??
and does your husband know of or actually know the internet friend (BF) ??

Everyone will tell you that honesty is one of the keys to successful poly so with that being said I don't think there is going to be a great time or a good way to unwind whats already occurred. sucky, shitty you pick the adjective.

Better for everyone to face the cold hard truth now and live your authentic self. Also I frequently ask if roles were reversed wouldn't you want to know the nature and depth of his feelings for another.

This might be the proverbial poly bomb /freak out or an answer to a prayer he's had ...you wont know until the conversation. And "oh by the way, I'm in love with someone else but still love you and would like to open our marriage".. has happened 100's of thousands of times this forum is proof of that ....I have no idea what the success rate is but it is an honest approach.

I fear everything else you you attempt will end up looking manipulative...as wanting your cake and eat it too. Which might end way worse if and when discovered. Being the last to know feels worse....another helping of humiliation to wash down.

One thing I think you have working for you is young kids ....a bad reaction might be muted some what because of the kids. Ive talked to many people who've had the bomb dropped on them and many have said they were willing to try for the sake of the family. I'm not sure of the % of those who would claim success and are happy or those who are waiting until there kids are gone to divorce. The drip of time could work for you. Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into month and new routines and patterns will happen and before you know it yrs have past.

One thing you should know is once you go down this road everything will change ...your marriage as you knew it will be over ...not that something better might rise up but ...you will both mourn that loss. You having another partner might mourn that loss much less due to NRE and the time distractions....but it will happen.

Good luck with your journey DH :)
 
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My wife told me about her cheating 8 weeks ago completely in distress and dispair about what to do now. By then I was already in jealousy for 3 months because I've seen him coming closer and feared to be replaced soon but she kept telling me about "close friend" or even "brother". Anyway, the moment she came and confessed I saw the dispair and the love in her eyes. It was the moment I knew that I was by no means dispensable and I lost (nearly) all of my jealousy. It was me then who suggested poly and that's what we are living since then.
However at that time she was sleeping with him since 3 or more weeks. What do you think would I be proud if she would have asked me for permission to sleep with him beforehand. This would be the biggest prove of trust you can think of. Instead she made prove that she is well capable of lying and I making me believing it. :-(
 
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a couple of quick question : what does rethinking our belief systems mean??
and does your husband know of or actually know the internet friend (BF) ??

Everyone will tell you that honesty is one of the keys to successful poly so with that being said I don't think there is going to be a great time or a good way to unwind whats already occurred. sucky, shitty you pick the adjective.

Better for everyone to face the cold hard truth now than live your authentic self. Also I frequently ask if roles were reversed wouldn't you want to know the nature and deep of his feelings for another.

This might be the proverbial poly bomb /freak out or an answer to a prayer he's had ...you wont know until the conversation. And "oh by the way, I'm in love with someone else but still love you and would like to open our marriage".. has happened 100's of thousands of times this forum is proof of that ....I have no idea what the success rate is but it is an honest approach.

I fear everything else you you attempt will end up looking manipulative...as wanting your cake and eat it too. Which might end way worse if and when discovered. Being the last to know feels worse....another helping of humiliation to wash down.

One thing I think you have working for you is young kids ....a bad reaction might be muted some what because of the kids. Ive talked to many people who've had the bomb dropped on them and many have said they were willing to try for the sake of the family. I'm not sure of the % of those who would claim success and are happy or those who are waiting until there kids are gone to divorce. The drip of time could work for you. Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into month and new routines and patterns will happen and before you know it yrs have past.

One thing you should know is once you go down this road everything will change ...your marriage as you knew it will be over ...not that something better might rise up but ...you will both mourn that loss. You having another partner might mourn that loss much less due to NRE and the time distractions....but it will happen.

Good luck with your journey DH :)

Thank you for your absolute honesty. And yes you're right, if the shoe was on the other foot, I would want to know what my husband was feeling or thinking. I guess I'm still coming to terms with my poly nature, as it hadn't occurred to me before. All of this will turn my world upside down too so I'm mentally preparing myself for all of that. But I also know that I cannot deny my feeling this way, otherwise this experience will end up repeating itself somewhere down the road and I don't want that to happen.

Thank you everyone for your kind advice and thoughts. It means the world to me.
 
OK, non-Christian rant here.... how many people have I known who saved themselves for marriage for religion's sake only to regret it 10 or even 20 years down the road? A lot, that's how many. And suffering pangs of guilt for all those years every time they found someone other than their spouse attractive.

Some passages in the Bible attributed to Yahweh or Jesus are meant for long outmoded patriarchal society, from a time when women were outright owned by their husbands, and listed after the goats and sheep and children and slaves as the lowest value of property.

The Adam and Eve story was invented precisely to put women "in their place," as lower than their husbands, and as mere breeders and helpers, not full human beings.

But I temper that. Actually there are two creation myths in Genesis. In one, El (God) creates both women and men as equals in his image, from his own being, or nothingness. In the other Yahweh (the LORD) creates a male from clay (Adam is a play on the word for dirt) and then creates a lesser being from Adam's side. Uneasily, but honestly, in the Jewish tradition, the two stories are presented side by side.

So, that said: Does your husband know of your cheating on your former partner? Do he and you share when you notice a friend or stranger or celebrity is attractive? Or have you both pretended you only have eyes for each other all this time?

Depending on how you answer that will determine how the poly conversations go.

Don't pressure him, but don't give up. Seek the help of a poly friendly counselor for you both, this can help smooth the way. This is important to you, and you are not bad or evil to become attracted to another. It's pretty normal in fact. Our fucked up "civilized" society has pretended long enough that we are naturally monogamous. People accept serial monogamy, cheating and divorce more than they accept ethical non monogamy. Even swinging, where it's "just sex," is more accepted than polyamory.

Of course, in Old Testament days, Men were allowed several wives and concubines, as many as they could afford, while women had to keep themselves only unto one Man. This was an uneasy balance, many stories reflect this.
 
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OK, non-Christian rant here.... how many people have I known who saved themselves for marriage for religion's sake only to regret it 10 or even 20 years down the road? A lot, that's how many. And suffering pangs of guilt for all those years every time they found someone other than their spouse attractive.

Some passages in the Bible attributed to Yahweh or Jesus are meant for long outmoded patriarchal society, from a time when women were outright owned by their husbands, and listed after the goats and sheep and children and slaves as the lowest value of property.

The Adam and Eve story was invented precisely to put women "in their place," as lower than their husbands, and as mere breeders and helpers, not full human beings.

But I temper that. Actually there are two creation myths in Genesis. In one, El (God) creates both women and men as equals in his image, from his own being, or nothingness. In the other Yahweh (the LORD) creates a male from clay (Adam is a play on the word for dirt) and then creates a lesser being from Adam's side. Uneasily, but honestly, in the Jewish tradition, the two stories are presented side by side.

So, that said: Does your husband know of your cheating on your former partner? Do he and you share when you notice a friend or stranger or celebrity is attractive? Or have you both pretended you only have eyes for each other all this time?

Depending on how you answer that will determine how the poly conversations go.

Don't pressure him, but don't give up. Seek the help of a poly friendly counselor for you both, this can help smooth the way. This is important to you, and you are not bad or evil to become attracted to another. It's pretty normal in fact. Our fucked up "civilized" society has pretended long enough that we are naturally monogamous. People accept serial monogamy, cheating and divorce more than they accept ethical non monogamy. Even swinging, where it's "just sex," is more accepted than polyamory.

Of course, in Old Testament days, Men were allowed several wives and concubines, as many as they could afford, while women had to keep themselves only unto one Man. This was an uneasy balance, many stories reflect this.

See...when it comes to your non-Christian rant...the church kinda just has a cover-all answer for that and would say "she has been misled and deceived by the enemy..." Blah blah blah. And being in the church all my life, I'm having to struggle with reconditioning myself to not default to these responses. It's kind of crazy how easily one can become a sheep. But I'm not having it any more. I am now having to reevaluate everything I have been taught, and I share your views on the validity of the Bible. Thank you for your viewpoints Magdlyn.

To answer your questions, yes he knows I cheated on my last boyfriend. And yes we mention when we think a celebrity is good looking. Maybe sometimes people we know but it'll always be "oh but not as good looking as you...", you know the whole reassurance thing.

When I talked to him about poly, he was so adamant that it was something he could never do. Mentioned our marriage vows and how he wouldn't break them (I don't actually remember vowing that we would be each other's one and only actually come to think of it...) and that its natural for people to be with only one. He also thinks homosexuality isn't natural. He knows that I am bi-curious (never acted on it because of church) and he jokes about threesomes but then backtracks and says he'd never do that. I think he's uncomfortable with change in viewpoints, after all he's grown up in church too.
 
I think you really need to look at your post and the emphasis you put on 'feelings.'

Having feelings does not require us to act in any particular way. As is often pointed out here, many people in poly relationships feel jealousy. That doesn't require them to act on jealousy.

Likewise, as adults, the fact that we feel attraction to someone doesn't actually mean we're required or entitled to act on that attraction.
 
You are having bigger things going on in your life and poly is only part of it. Important part, maybe, but not the core issue here, I think. Well, correct me if I am wrong.

I was raised Christian, too, and started doubting the "truths" my church was telling me at one point in my life. I got out of the church, changed basically all my core values and beliefs - and lived a much better and more authentic life ever since. I was single at that time and made the decision to choose open polyamorous relationships as the model I'd go for. It worked well for me.

You are in a tough spot facing these changes in your thinking as you are married with children. You say your husband is not changing as much as you are - it can be difficult to find a common ground for a life together after all these changes.

Karen and Magdlyn have given you very good advice in this thread, listen to them! If you want to discuss in more detail about your process of changing your beliefs, you are welcome to PM me.
 
We've got a couple big threads over in the Spirituality forum about Christianity and polyamory. I go on and on over there, ancient Judaism and Christianities are a big speciality of mine.

One is called "I believe god is not opposed to polygamy or polyandry"

The other is called "Biblical Christian Living" something or other.
 
Changing religious viewpoints isn't easy, if it's something you've believed in all your life. I wish you the best on that.

As far as your husband saying he could *never* be part of a polyamorous situation... people can change over time.

Hubby and I met on a "sex dating" site. He joined because he hadn't had a sexual partner in a few years. I'd been a member for about a year and a half by then and I... let's say I'd had sexual partners.

Because of the nature of the site, and because I felt like I had more exploration to do of my sexuality (I was a year and a half out of an abusive marriage where "sex" was something I did because "that's what you do when you're married, and you have to make me feel like a man" according to my ex...), when Hubby and I began our relationship, I asked about keeping it open.

He flat out refused. He wanted exclusivity. He couldn't handle the idea of "sharing" me with anyone else, and since I was his first sex partner in years, he wasn't too concerned about having sex with multiple partners. He was thankful to finally have *one*.

That was in 2008. In 2013... *Hubby* was the one who said, "You still have some sexual exploration you want to do, and I've decided I'm okay with you doing that with other men, as long as I have the same privilege with other women."

And *I* was the one who had to be talked into it.

Be patient with your husband, and with yourself. Hubby and I didn't even have any religious conditioning to work past, but it still took time for us to reach a comfort level with all of this. Don't give up on it; there's always hope things will change.
 
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