How do I tell my wife I'm poly?

squirtteacher88

New member
Hello!

I'm a young video professional in the DC area and I've known that I was interested in having more than one relationship at a time for a while now. I've been encountering a lot of confusion in my life since I got married. I married the girl of my dreams (literally... I had dreams about her before we met) and part of our dating life was having experiences like threesomes and dates with a third woman. Neither of us suggested this we just kind of stumbled on it in our relationship. Similarly she stumbled upon exhibitionism and works as a webcam model now making money playing with other girls and herself on cams.

I don't know jealousy really. I think it's wonderful to have someone so sexually open as a wife. Except now that we're married when I suggest finding a girlfriend as a couple she gets very jealous and seems disinterested in the whole idea. It seems almost like she was poly just until I made a legal commitment and then she switched to being mono. I've not mentioned this for a while but I frankly feel very unfulfilled being able to have a romantic, sexual, and familial relationship with only one woman. This isn't a horny selfish thing either it's that I feel kinda bad for not taking care of and protecting single women out there who are putting themselves out to be abused by guys who do not care about who they are as people but are just trying to have sex and leave. It gets to be very painful for me to hear about these kinds of things when they happen and it makes me want to love on them.

I also feel attracted to many different kinds of people. My wife is one kind (my opposite) but sometimes I want to enjoy a woman who is more like me and can share the kinds of things that I enjoy. I know I didn't marry the wrong person for me and I don't want to divorce her. I just want to be able to have a long term relationship with another woman and even a trinogamous relationship since my wife is bi. I don't want someone else to make a lifetime commitment to but rather see my wife and I as a transition relationship a woman can enter into when she doesn't have time for a monogamous one but wants affection when she needs it without losing focus on school, work, or other personal goals she has.

My wife doesn't like the idea of us dating anyone since her last girlfriend (who only dated her exclusively) moved away to south africa and I continually feel like a douchebag for suggesting things that I think will help her get over it and get us back in the game. I'm just not sure what to do and I feel a bit confused about my own sexual identity (that most people would see at face-value and call douchey when it's motivated out of respect and love) and I feel confused about how to lovingly explain to my wife that this isn't just a desire for me it's a need.

Any thoughts or similar stories from you all?
 
We have done actual "lessons" with willing women in the past where we show them what areas to stimulate and even make them squirt for the first time ourselves (its usually possible after a few minutes of foreplay with the right stimulation). To become proficient at squirting to be able to do it every time it can sometimes take a great deal of self-exploration on the part of the new squirter but still far less than trying to figure out how it should feel by herself... My wife and I have really enjoyed sharing this special skill with women as our little gift to them.

Until recently we had discussed making how-to videos and run an informative educational blog or forum for women who want to learn nationwide... That seems very out-of-reach now.
 
Except now that we're married when I suggest finding a girlfriend as a couple she gets very jealous and seems disinterested in the whole idea. It seems almost like she was poly just until I made a legal commitment and then she switched to being mono.
Maybe she sees commitment as monogamous, maybe not. Have you discussed this with her? It sounds to me like you believe that poly is about sex from what you have said in your post. But then you say you don't and talk about NOT committing to other women you want to sleep with.... hmmmm, I notice quite a few inconsistencies...
This isn't a horny selfish thing either it's that I feel kinda bad for not taking care of and protecting single women out there who are putting themselves out to be abused by guys who do not care about who they are as people but are just trying to have sex and leave. It gets to be very painful for me to hear about these kinds of things when they happen and it makes me want to love on them.
OOooooookay. This is where you have to bare with me. Totally gets under my skin this quote.

You are not the saviour of all women who have been done wrong. You are not the saviour of anyone. Do me and all women a favour. DON'T ATTEMPT TO RESCUE US. WE ARE NOT KITTENS IN TREES. Would you like me to rescue you from something? I doubt it. You would want to work it out for yourself because you are a grown up. You are not a child, women are not children. GAH, seriously. What on earth made you think that you could save anyone by dating someone just out of pity and so they could be all cozy in you and your wife's arms until they feel like they can go it alone. What makes you think that this attitude is any BETTER than a guy that uses them for sex? What do you have to offer that would convince a woman that they will not also be used by you too with the attitude that you will not commit to them but fuck them and pet their head?!
Really, if you want to help? Just listen and empathize, that's it. No other requirement. If you can't handle hearing it then ask them not to tell you. Your responsibility ends with being a really good listener. The rest just comes across as creepy.
My wife is one kind (my opposite) but sometimes I want to enjoy a woman who is more like me and can share the kinds of things that I enjoy....... I just want to be able to have a long term relationship with another woman and even a trinogamous relationship since my wife is bi.......
Skip the trinogamy and get your own girlfriend. That would be my suggestion. Why do you need to be with your wife in a relationship. She is her own person and so are you. You are not one merged person. You are two people that have a relationship. You can also be a person with another woman and have a relationship.

I don't want someone else to make a lifetime commitment to but rather see my wife and I as a transition relationship a woman can enter into when she doesn't have time for a monogamous one but wants affection when she needs it without losing focus on school, work, or other personal goals she has.
This is really not a good option in my opinion. What you are saying to me is that you will use her for sex and to get off on feeling like you are rescuing her and filling some need and she will use you both because she doesn't have time for real relationships. This to me is not poly but swinging. Maybe that would be a better option for you. At least it would be possible to have some sex without commitment of love involved. This scenario is not poly.

My wife doesn't like the idea of us dating anyone since her last girlfriend (who only dated her exclusively) moved away to south africa and I continually feel like a douchebag for suggesting things that I think will help her get over it and get us back in the game. I'm just not sure what to do and I feel a bit confused about my own sexual identity (that most people would see at face-value and call douchey when it's motivated out of respect and love) and I feel confused about how to lovingly explain to my wife that this isn't just a desire for me it's a need.
Leave her to her own path then and find yourself a girlfriend. I think its rude and uncaring and unkind to suggest she "get over it" by finding a woman that you will take care off together. You should feel like a douchbag. You sound like one.

I think you have some stuff to learn about poly and about women. I know very few, other than in a BDSM scenario (that lasts as long as the scene) that would want to be rescued and taken care of by you and your unwilling wife. It just doesn't happen... at all? I don't know, never say never?

I can see why you are confused. You really have some more reading on poly (there is something that you are not getting somehow), some soul searching and some communicating to do with your wife. Bottom line? I think you need to find yourself a poly girlfriend that can take care of herself but doesn't mind crying on your shoulder and having her head petted when other men treat her like shit.

I am not going to comment on the squirting.... that is for another thread (trust you to hone in on that Dinged :D, lol). If you want to start one on this topic elsewhere then I suggest taking it to the "fireplace" forum. It doesn't fit the criteria here.
 
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My wife doesn't like the idea of us dating anyone since her last girlfriend (who only dated her exclusively) moved away to south africa and I continually feel like a douchebag for suggesting things that I think will help her get over it and get us back in the game. I'm just not sure what to do and I feel a bit confused about my own sexual identity (that most people would see at face-value and call douchey when it's motivated out of respect and love) and I feel confused about how to lovingly explain to my wife that this isn't just a desire for me it's a need.

Any thoughts or similar stories from you all?

Get back into the game? What game? Why is there a game? Anything that includes other people's emotions should NEVER be considered a game.

Also, your wife is not ready or willing to enter into another relationship. She's still grieving the loss of the one she had before. Give her time and stop bugging her about it so she can process. Either bring the subject up again in the future after she's had time to heal, or let her know (once, not repeatedly) that you would really appreciate it if she'd bring it up when she's ready to discuss it. It might be a while, though, and that's okay. In the meantime, you could see if she'd be okay with you pursuing others without her.

I'm also just going to say that I second pretty much everything RP said about your attitudes towards women instead of going on a rant of my own.
 
OOooooookay. This is where you have to bare with me. Totally gets under my skin this quote.

You are not the saviour of all women who have been done wrong. You are not the saviour of anyone. Do me and all women a favour. DON'T ATTEMPT TO RESCUE US. WE ARE NOT KITTENS IN TREES. Would you like me to rescue you from something? I doubt it. You would want to work it out for yourself because you are a grown up. You are not a child, women are not children. GAH, seriously. What on earth made you think that you could save anyone by dating someone just out of pity and so they could be all cozy in you and your wife's arms until they feel like they can go it alone. What makes you think that this attitude is any BETTER than a guy that uses them for sex? What do you have to offer that would convince a woman that they will not also be used by you too with the attitude that you will not commit to them but fuck them and pet their head?!
Really, if you want to help? Just listen and empathize, that's it. No other requirement. If you can't handle hearing it then ask them not to tell you. Your responsibility ends with being a really good listener. The rest just comes across as creepy.

Ok granted... I hear what you're saying. And I certainly didn't mean to come across as a savior to all women because I know very well that I am not and neither is my wife. However we just both have a huge heart for being there for people in rough situations and here's the basis for that:

The first girl we dated together we never actually had sex with, we just loved. We had expressed attraction and connection with her before and then one day it turned out that she was going to flee from an abusive ex-boyfriend who was taking extreme advantage of her, threatening her life, doing unspeakably evil things to her body, mind, and soul and she finally got the courage to get away and hide with us. With my wife's gentleness she found the understanding that she needed and a shoulder to cry on and with my 6'6" frame she knew that even if her boyfriend found her there was no way he was going to start anything without being very easily neutralized and sent away. Both of us gave her lots of hugs and kisses and reminded her that she's beautiful and that she can stand on her own two feet without him. After about 10 months she did (without us helping her to do anything but keep her spirits up and feel loved) and we keep in touch with her though now from a long distance.

That was probably the most my wife and I have been in sync as a couple is when we work together to love someone else AND each other. Since then we've been pursuing a healthier trinogamous situation (since I don't think you can recreate how well the above example went if you try) but just recently she's been finding girlfriends for just herself and then forbidding me to do the same on the grounds that since I'm a guy it would be cheating and promises that she will find someone else we can share eventually but "not this one" (speaking of her recent ex).

Admittedly I do have some to learn about poly... I don't know of anyone like me in the real world except I thought my wife was and I guess she is... but on her terms. My first duty and responsibility is to her but I just want to know how to get fair treatment and the ability to exercise polyamory without making her feel like I'm not satisfied by her or that it's just cheating because I happen to be attracted to members of the opposite sex whereas she, with the exception of myself, is attracted to members of the same sex. I'm confused about how to approach it because I'm not entirely sure how to define myself. I have utmost respect for women and seek to empower more than anything else... those who know me understand that. And while I don't seek lifetime commitments from a third partner, that's for 2 main reasons...

1. We haven't found someone where it's worked out for a long period of time... most women want a monogamous relationship of their own instead of sharing with us forever and so in practical terms it just seemed better to approach it from the standpoint of "we're always here for you until you decide to move on but let's never lose the love and connection we shared"
2. We aren't strong enough into a poly lifestyle to be able to handle explaining it to our friends and families. They would not understand.

I have spoken to my wife since and apologized for trying to help her move on at a different pace than she was comfortable with. I just frankly wanted to cheer her up so that I could enjoy her company myself. She has admitted that she is hanging on to the memory of her ex when in actuality she has not lost her... just the physical aspects and only until the next time they meet. She's admitted that she wants for us to continue looking for a trinogamous 3rd together and has apologized for being unfair in her expectations of me so all is right on that front.

I guess I'm still just confused about how to define myself or explain myself since I'm new to talking about all this... I don't know anyone else who is poly and I don't connect with a swinging lifestyle (since my goals are both physical AND emotional connection). I appreciate the constructive criticism of the polyamory.com community and if there's resources I should look for to help me understand myself better then I'm all ears! But please don't misread my intentions as chauvinist or even traditionalist... in my job the majority of our clients are non-profit organizations and several that protect women's rights and that even help RESCUE (yes... they use that word in their marketing like it or not) women in abusive and dangerous situations.

Oh and the "Get back in the game" comment I made is just semantics... I'm a little league baseball coach as well so I was using a metaphor that I commonly do... far be it from me to treat anyone's heart or soul like a "game" including my wife's... which is why I wanted advice on how to approach this in the first place because I didn't want anyone in this situation feeling hurt.
 
I think you'd be better off looking for a swinger community to discuss your issues. You're only focused on sex, it seems, and polyamory is more than that. I also want to point out how disrespectful it is to keep harping on your wife to "get a girlfriend" for your own prurient interests. I suggest you start working on your marriage before doing anything.


Oh, and yeah, women don't need your dick to rescue them.
 
(its usually possible after a few minutes of foreplay with the right stimulation).

Just a few minutes ????..."usually" .."Possible" "right stimulation" these words scream infomercial. Actual results may vary depending on altitude and attitude. :D I think you should make the video ...why not...share the gift....get rich.

How do like the forum so far?


Cindie, what if they fell into a well?
 
HAHA! Dinged certainly didn't mean to sound like an informercial... just informative ;)

I'm finding the forum kindof abrasive. I posted a long reply to everyone's concerns earlier this morning but it seems to have not made it up here or possibly past the moderator for some reason (?) and I don't really have time right now to type it up again *smacks forhead for not copying before posting*

I thought there'd be more openness and understanding in a place like this but I'm getting the same kind of reception that I do from ultra-conservatives that I've talked to about this who resent the idea of polyamory.

A lot of the criticism is constructive though and I was encouraged to straighten some things out with my wife... I'll tell that story later or if my post ever goes through you can read it then.
 
Yeah, I wouldn`t really blame the forum for how well/poorly you have been received.

These ladies and gents are actually bothering to respond with some helpful ideas for you, so they must see some good. I can`t even be bothered.

So while the feedback may be hard to take in, it might be worth listening to.
 
I married the girl of my dreams (literally... I had dreams about her before we met) and part of our dating life was having experiences like threesomes and dates with a third woman. Neither of us suggested this we just kind of stumbled on it in our relationship. Similarly she stumbled upon exhibitionism and works as a webcam model now making money playing with other girls and herself on cams.

Except now that we're married when I suggest finding a girlfriend as a couple she gets very jealous and seems disinterested in the whole idea. It seems almost like she was poly just until I made a legal commitment and then she switched to being mono. I've not mentioned this for a while but I frankly feel very unfulfilled being able to have a romantic, sexual, and familial relationship with only one woman. This isn't a horny selfish thing either it's that I feel kinda bad for not taking care of and protecting single women out there who are putting themselves out to be abused by guys who do not care about who they are as people but are just trying to have sex and leave. It gets to be very painful for me to hear about these kinds of things when they happen and it makes me want to love on them.

I just want to be able to have a long term relationship with another woman and even a trinogamous relationship since my wife is bi. I don't want someone else to make a lifetime commitment to but rather see my wife and I as a transition relationship a woman can enter into when she doesn't have time for a monogamous one but wants affection when she needs it without losing focus on school, work, or other personal goals she has.

My wife doesn't like the idea of us dating anyone since her last girlfriend (who only dated her exclusively) moved away to south africa and I continually feel like a douchebag for suggesting things that I think will help her get over it and get us back in the game. I'm just not sure what to do and I feel a bit confused about my own sexual identity (that most people would see at face-value and call douchey when it's motivated out of respect and love) and I feel confused about how to lovingly explain to my wife that this isn't just a desire for me it's a need.

I have a bunch of questions for you and a few comments. First, did you and your wife talk about what marriage and committment mean to each of you and what it means in your relationship? I ask because it is really common for people to assume that legal marriage equals monogamy without really thinking about that idea further. They just accept it as a given and assume that 'everyone', including their spouse, also accepts this. Maybe your wife has consciously or unconsciously taken as a given, that once married, one is monogamous. I'm just throwing this out there as a possibility, it may or may not prove true.

Second, if I read your post right, you two have had threesomes with other women and that your wife had a long-term serious girlfriend who moved very far away. (That's hard as I have lost a long distance relationship as well.) You did not date the girlfriend who moved to South Africa. Do I have that right?

Now you wish to find another woman to date yourself and your wife at the same time, have threesomes with, and so on. Your wife is hesitant about this. What about you dating separately from your wife? (Assuming this is ok with her obviously.) What about her dating separately from you? You have not mentioned men. Assuming you are straight, is there a rule or agreement that your wife dating other men is not ok? The structure you propose - one woman for both of you at the same time - just may not interest your wife right now but she might be open to other structures.

I also wanted to comment about the cam thing. Your wife is already expending erotic energy with other women. It may be a business arrangement for her but it still requires energy, time, effort, and commitment to perform on cam. Any performer can tell you how draining performing is. She may be tapped out doing her cam work and meeting your erotic needs, and her own, to even consider finding another lovely lass. In addition, she may just really not want another pussy or boob in her face. Maybe she wants just you right now, or maybe she would want another dick, just for variety. Only your wife will know this. But consider that erotic energy, like any energy, has its limits and your wife may be pushing hers.

Also, I agree with km34's comment that your wife is likely grieving the loss of her girlfriend and just isn't ready to move on yet. This isn't a process you can, or should, hurry along.

It doesn't bother me that you are seeking someone who wants a 'transition relationship'. I think there are many people, including myself, who would consider such a thing, as long as all involved were upfront about it. However, when discussing less serious (i.e. not intended to be lifelong) relationships, there is always the law of unintended consequences. People fall in love unexpectedly all the time. You fall in love, or your wife does, or the object of your transitional relationship does. Then what? Something to think about.

What do you mean you are confused about your sexual identity? I can't figure out what you are trying to say, especially that bit about "...most people would see at face-value and call douchey when it's motivated out of respect and love".

Finally, and this is where you need to just hear this. Try not to get immediately defensive.

"This isn't a horny selfish thing either it's that I feel kinda bad for not taking care of and protecting single women out there who are putting themselves out to be abused by guys who do not care about who they are as people but are just trying to have sex and leave. It gets to be very painful for me to hear about these kinds of things when they happen and it makes me want to love on them."

The bolded part comes across as 1) creepy and 2) potentially predatory. I assume that you are, in real life, not actually creepy or predatory. However, even with that assumption, I had a strong reaction to those words, as did many other people who replied. In fact, I almost didn't reply, I was so disturbed.

Here's why your words were creepy. First, the attitude displayed by that comment is disrespectful. Why? It implies that women cannot take care of themselves and need someone to guide them, bind their wounds, and fuck them silly in the process. The comment shows a lack of awareness of women as adults, who make choices, learn from them (or not), and stand on their two feet. It also shows perhaps a lack of desire to treat women, especially young, attractive, single women, as adults, as equals. Also, you only mention your desire to take care of and protect single women. As you are married, your best bet in outside partners are women who are in open marriages or relationships. Yet, you show no interest. I assume that you have concluded that partnered women already have someone, presumably male, to take care of them and protect them. This reinforces my earlier point that you seem to have some underlying assumptions that single women (and maybe women in general) consistently make dumb romantic decisions, always choose the douchebag guy, and end up being used and abused.

And here is why that comment reads to me as possibly predatory. I get that you feel protective. Men are taught that this is part of their 'job' as men. That is not predatory in and of itself.

I also get that you want your single women friends to date men who will treat them well. (As an aside, your women friends may be fine with being a one night stand or the occasional fuck. Many women, especially younger women who are figuring out their sexual natures, have trouble acknowledging this because it is still not socially acceptable for women to behave in this way and admit that they enjoyed themselves.) Also, women often do make dumb decisions about romantic or sexual partners. I have wished in the past that many of my friends would make better dating decisions.

The comment feels predatory to me because 1) you are only interested in 'taking care of' single women, and 2) you focus on vulnerable women as who you want to fuck. You don't mention wanting to fuck the got it together, stable, handling her business single woman. You don't mention wanting to fuck the single women who is not in a crappy relationship and isn't whining to you about her crappy boyfriend. You zero in on the vulnerable women, who makes bad decisions, listens to her pain and offers to ease her loss by fucking her. You also conflate taking care of and protecting with sex, like that's the price a woman pays to get your care and attention. That's why your comment felt possibly predatory to me.
 
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First off I would like to thank you for starting this thread and expressing your situation. Although I do not have any experience in the poly lifestyle, I still wanted to reply with my thoughts on the situation.

I recently began to believe that I may be in the same situation and I have learned a lot by reading this thread. It actually surprised me when you said,
"This isn't a horny selfish thing either it's that I feel kinda bad for not taking care of and protecting single women out there who are putting themselves out to be abused by guys who do not care about who they are as people but are just trying to have sex and leave. It gets to be very painful for me to hear about these kinds of things when they happen and it makes me want to love on them."
I have had a similar mentality for many years (even before I married my wife). I see where you are coming from and I don't think that makes you creepy, sexist, or one-track minded in any way. Quite the opposite. I'm surprised that a lot of people insist that you are only saying that because you want the physical side.

Here's how I would explain my mentality and you can tell me if it follows your line of thinking:

In my life I see many people with good hearts/souls and people with corrupt hearts/souls (on both sides. men and woman). It's unfortunate to say, but I find that there are a lot of men that have failed to learn how to treat women with the love and respect they deserve. Those women with good hearts/souls don't deserve the pain that they're forced to go through (either because of their environment or one mistake). I'm not saying that I am going to be the all powerful liberator of these women, but I can't help but care for them deep within. I believe that everyone has the capacity to truly love more than one person at a time because each person is different and provides something completely unique in a relationship. When I say I care about these women I don't mean that I want them for sex, I don't mean I want to baby them and make them feel like they need me. As a matter of fact, I don't want them to rely on me. I will not help those who choose to not help themselves. Instead I want to show my care for them and show them what it's like to be loved by another emotionally. Do these feelings make me a sex hungry creep that believes women need saving? I don't think so. That kind of mind frame is so far from my intentions that it sickens me think even think about using someone like that. And I am not looking to target only those who have been hurt and beaten down. I look for those who have kind hearts and deserve to feel emotional warmth that so few men understand. I want to do this because I have an enormous heart filled with love that I want to share. I'd like to think it's more chivalrous than selfish (selfless even because I find happiness in seeing another's smile).

I, like you, do not know where I fit in with my sexuality and I wish to learn more so that I may grow.

Also to give you a bit of my background: I just recently married the woman I met in high school. We have been off and on a couple of times, but my feelings were strong and we fell in love. At the beginning of our relationship I was simply the friend that listened to her relationship problems and how poorly her boyfriends treated her (while giving advice and warnings that proved accurate). One day I said enough and asked her out. Our feelings grew from there. Now after all those years the feeling of deeply caring for others has not gone away and I am having my own trouble explaining this to her. She is dealing with her own conflicts because she is bi and found that she has real feelings for a girl she met (who we are both friends with). I am fine with her having these feelings, but she cannot feel the same about my situation. Every time it comes up in conversation it immediately goes to the "Why am I not enough" argument.
 
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