My husband (34m) and myself (32f) are somewhat new to poly. I've been in poly relationships before but we have been married 12 years and mono most of our relationship. About two months ago he started to see someone regularly (25f) who wasn't necessarily poly but has bought into it in order to date him. She sees other people as well. I'm not currently seeing anyone but do have a few people I talk wth regularly- I'm very picky and tend to only like someone every now and then.
I've felt varying levels of jealousy and have dealt with them okay most of the time but have really nose dived a few times with feeling a big drop in my self worth. Because of NRE, my husband admits that if he had to choose between a day with me or her he would choose her. She's new and exciting- and I'm old hat. This is part of where my jealousy comes from. He's just more excited about her at any given moment than me. We are best friends and talk very openly so I know that he finds sex with her to be wild. After he doesn't quite know what came over him and is astounded by how great it was. He says that from the beginning our relationship was more complex and more intellectual so he hasn't felt that way with me. I feel like his time with her has belittled our relationship and our connection which hurts because I've never in my life felt as connected to anyone as I have my husband. The way he talks about how this new woman makes him feel... It mirrors how I feel about him. He even uses phrases I've used to describe my feelings towards him when he speaks of her.
I don't necessarily expect reckless abandon and wildness all the time after being married so long but I don't think the length of our marriage should mean that this kind of fire and passion can't happen for us. It's certainly happening for me and it hurts to think that he's decided we've been together too long to have that with me. He regularly says that I cannot compete with the NRE and wants me to stop comparing myself to her. I'm totally guilty of making it a competition but I also don't even realize I'm doing it. I can't help but wonder why she gets to have so many pieces of my husband that I've desperately wanted from him for years.
Also fueling my jealousy is insecurity. He's stated that he finds her more attractive than me. He's pointed out that the world is full of people that are more attractive than either of us and it just happens that she's one of them. He finds her intoxicating and has a hunger for her (which links back to the previous paragraphs). Full disclosure with this, though, is that I was feeling insecure and often nagged him to just admit he wanted her more and found her more attractive. Not my proudest moment by far.
The last thing is more concrete. We've never done a lot of oral and while I really enjoy it I always assumed he just didn't like doing it. However, he does it with her almost every time they see one another. My husband is very good at oral and the fact that he can give it to her but not me has been a deafening blow. He has stated that she has a better smell than I do. We've wondered if her being shaved helps him so I did shave myself but he hasn't wanted to try it since then. I've read online and tried to determine if something is wrong with me but it seems like I just have a very distinct and strong smell. I also get incredibly wet in a way that she doesn't so that may add to it. This has also been a huge blow to my self confidence.
What can I do to move more towards compersion? I do feel it at times- I love that she makes him feel this way! I have so much joy that he's found someone to explore and play with and she's a very nice person. I just also want these things from him. I would honestly love to even be able to talk with her about how great he is and I love the self confidence boost she gives him. I love hearing about their sexual escapades and often am aroused by the thought of what they might be doing to each other. I feel like it's much less that I'm not poly now (something he has accused me of) and much more that I really value the intense connection I always thought my husband and I had.
I've felt varying levels of jealousy and have dealt with them okay most of the time but have really nose dived a few times with feeling a big drop in my self worth. Because of NRE, my husband admits that if he had to choose between a day with me or her he would choose her. She's new and exciting- and I'm old hat. This is part of where my jealousy comes from. He's just more excited about her at any given moment than me. We are best friends and talk very openly so I know that he finds sex with her to be wild. After he doesn't quite know what came over him and is astounded by how great it was. He says that from the beginning our relationship was more complex and more intellectual so he hasn't felt that way with me. I feel like his time with her has belittled our relationship and our connection which hurts because I've never in my life felt as connected to anyone as I have my husband. The way he talks about how this new woman makes him feel... It mirrors how I feel about him. He even uses phrases I've used to describe my feelings towards him when he speaks of her.
I don't necessarily expect reckless abandon and wildness all the time after being married so long but I don't think the length of our marriage should mean that this kind of fire and passion can't happen for us. It's certainly happening for me and it hurts to think that he's decided we've been together too long to have that with me. He regularly says that I cannot compete with the NRE and wants me to stop comparing myself to her. I'm totally guilty of making it a competition but I also don't even realize I'm doing it. I can't help but wonder why she gets to have so many pieces of my husband that I've desperately wanted from him for years.
Also fueling my jealousy is insecurity. He's stated that he finds her more attractive than me. He's pointed out that the world is full of people that are more attractive than either of us and it just happens that she's one of them. He finds her intoxicating and has a hunger for her (which links back to the previous paragraphs). Full disclosure with this, though, is that I was feeling insecure and often nagged him to just admit he wanted her more and found her more attractive. Not my proudest moment by far.
The last thing is more concrete. We've never done a lot of oral and while I really enjoy it I always assumed he just didn't like doing it. However, he does it with her almost every time they see one another. My husband is very good at oral and the fact that he can give it to her but not me has been a deafening blow. He has stated that she has a better smell than I do. We've wondered if her being shaved helps him so I did shave myself but he hasn't wanted to try it since then. I've read online and tried to determine if something is wrong with me but it seems like I just have a very distinct and strong smell. I also get incredibly wet in a way that she doesn't so that may add to it. This has also been a huge blow to my self confidence.
What can I do to move more towards compersion? I do feel it at times- I love that she makes him feel this way! I have so much joy that he's found someone to explore and play with and she's a very nice person. I just also want these things from him. I would honestly love to even be able to talk with her about how great he is and I love the self confidence boost she gives him. I love hearing about their sexual escapades and often am aroused by the thought of what they might be doing to each other. I feel like it's much less that I'm not poly now (something he has accused me of) and much more that I really value the intense connection I always thought my husband and I had.