In multiple respects, GFT, you and I have a negative mirror image thing going on. I'm totally "wired" for multiple loves of equal standing and don't have it--and never have.
I think I could totally enjoy multiple loves of equal standing IF all of us were one unit. Not necessarily even all romantically involved, but one family. It would feel, to drag out the tired analogy, like a family with multiple kids. Sure, sometimes one person's needs conflict with another, but in the end you make a decision as a family to do the thing that is best for the family as a whole.
It's the juggling of two or more discrete relationships that fries my brain. It feels like Dag's needs and Andy's needs will forever be in conflict. It has actually rarely been an issue in reality, but it looms large in my mind.
It's funny, I didn't go looking for a serious second relationship, ever, yet they keep landing in my lap. All I have ever wanted from non-monogamy is a steady fuck buddy who's 1)into the sexual things my husband isn't, 2)treats me with respect and kindness and 3)can carry on a half decent conversation if we want to meet for a beer before getting naked. And yet, this is the THIRD DAMN TIME I have ended up with a full blown poly boyfriend
It's neither terrible nor bad poly. Couple's privilege isn't inherently bad or wrong; it's only a problem if it's used to make someone feel or appear less than human, or someone gets hurt by it...
Prioritizing Hubby over another partner doesn't mean I'm not poly or that I'm bad at it. It simply means he's the one I've been sharing a home and life with for the past six and a half years, and that's a role no other partner could fill in my life, if for no other reason than that they haven't known me as long.
This is how I feel, too. Usually. When I am not going insane
I think I'm just VERY overextended right now and it's making me stress like crazy. I don't get this week off work, but everyone else does... My BFF will be in town for the first time in months, a couple of other friends are in town, there are people in Austin to go see, there are going to be holiday things up at our lake community with friends we haven't seen since this summer...
It's just incredibly hard to find time right now with Dag. And I know he's hurt by that. I feel frustrated though because I do want to see him, I just don't have time or energy this week to do something *alone* with him. If he wanted to come join me anywhere, with any friends, he'd be welcome. If he wanted to come to my house and share one of my few, preciously guarded hours of downtime, he'd be welcome here too. But with Andy here that's a non starter.
There is just a limited amount of time, energy, and attention that I am willing to divert from my primary relationship and my other close connections. If I have a partner who's willing to bring some of *his* time and energy and love to the other close people in my life, there's a balance. Some of my energy is going to my new relationship, but there is new energy flowing to everyone from my partner
Right now, though, I'm just draining myself to make sure no one in my life feels neglected.