This is me... It's where I'm at

I'm sorry things didn't work out with Mustang like you wanted. And, I'm sorry Infinity isn't understanding your feelings. Just stick true to what you want/need while you heal. ((Hugs))

Infinity and I are trying to remain friends. Our relationship was built on a friendship we had long before becoming romantically involved. The feelings are still there for both of us. She is uncomfortable with being with me when she knows she still wants him as well. She believes that if she and I have a relationship it will come between me and Infinity or that her wanting Infinity will come between me and her. I understand her fears and am willing to be her friend. We are actually going to dinner this evening just me and her to hang out. Sometimes the best way to love someone is to just be the best friend they have ever had and be there when they need you. Who knows maybe down the road she and I can work thru things and have a relationship beyond friendship. If not, I'm happy just being her friend.
 
Spent some time hanging out with Mustang this evening followed by dinner. Enjoyed absolutely every minute of it just spending time together just talking. I can completely be her friend if that is what she wants, but every single time I hang out with her she peels back another small layer of who she is and I fall for her even more. She pushes and challenges me to look at things in a different way from a different view without ever realizing what she is doing. I like that about her. I like how easy it is to just be together like this evening and talk. To talk and not feel judged for the thoughts or feelings I have or what I say. I can't help but to want to be with her and build towards a future together. Maybe one day I'll get a chance at that future. Until then I'll keep building a strong base of friendship and hope that she sees I'm solid and stable and she can be herself without fear of being judged. That I am someone that she can be relaxed with and not worry about always having to be theffective strong one, that we can be strong together and for each other. I know there is still so much about her that I do not know, but I want to.
 
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Wow!!!! So I've pretty much known but refused to accept or acknowledge that Mustang was using me. So yesterday she obviously wants Infinity to feel about her the way she does him. He may have if he hadn't seen she was using me and leading me own to try to get closer to him. There is a lot I haven't posted that has happened during the last 4 months because I refuse to talk badly about anyone.

Yesterday though, Mustang told Infinity she and I are just friends and nothing more. When he told her she needed to talk to me about it because I was under the impression that we were trying to build a relationship she said we are what we are and that's just how it is. However she thinks that if she and I are sleeping together then it will change how Infinity feels about her because it would make him happy. Insert eye roll here!!!! Not sleeping with her just to make him happy nor will I allow myself to continue to be used in the hopes that he develops feelings. I can be her friend, but everything else STOPS here. Yes, I knew all this and allowed it in hopes that she would see I do genuinely care about her and wanted a real relationship. If she had told me she didn't want me like that but had feelings for Infinity and wanted to try with him I'd have said ok. I'm not against Infinity having a relationship with someone other than me. Just be honest and don't act like you want more to keep him. This is not an all or none kind of thing. Have enough respect for me to be up front and not lead me on.
 
I feel broken inside. I feel lost. There is a deep ache, an indescribable pain that seems to radiate thru me. I don't remember relationships I have had before hurting like this or hurting this much when they ended. Everything I need and wanted was so close I could touch it and then in the blink of an eye, it's just gone. Wrapping my mind around the fact that it's no longer reality, but instead feels more like some really good but slightly elusive dream I had. It's like I woke up from this amazing dream that I never wanted to end to realize it was just a dream even tho it felt like reality.
 
Questions.... so many questions running through my mind the last few days. I'm questioning myself, why I'm in my relationships, questioning the people that surround me, where I am in my life and where I'm going in my life. So many things have opened my eyes to things I have ignored or pushed to the back of my mind with a Scarlett O'Hara mentality of I won't think about that today. I guess I have known I was doing that, but I was trying to just get thru whatever I was dealing with at the time.

Poly makes you see things, people, and yourself in new ways. You begin to see people for who they truly are and the rose colored glasses completely fall off. You see yourself in a stark reality that didn't exist before. You see the world differently.

For me right now, I'm seeing a difference in things Infinity says versus the things he does and how he treats not only me but others. I'm trying to figure out if I can continue to accept it and live with it, or if it's a boundary that I have to firmly set and let him decide if he can handle that.

I feel so mixed up, lost, and confused. The ones I would go to for guidance are not here and I'm, as my screen name states, stumbling along. I don't like this feeling of not having a clear direction that I am moving in with confidence.
 
Still stumbling along trying to feel my way thru all the emotions and changes. Still questioning it all. I do not feel peaceful. Everything inside feels chaotic and like it's spinning out of reach as I attempt to desperately grasp for something solid to hold on to and begin to reorganize my life.
 
When you want to hide away somewhere and block everything and everyone out, but you can't. Ready to be over this already.
 
So over the last week or so I have done a lot of thinking. Bear with me this my be hard to follow.

I am a very dominant person by nature. I am dominant in and out of the bedroom. In my entire relationship with Mustang I spent time gaining her trust and trying to show her I could and would care for her as my partner, lover and sub. I knew I wanted to be her domme but I just now realized how much I wanted that. Everything in my nature fits everything in her nature. We are good together in and out of the bedroom. I did not take a hard stand as her domme in the beginning because I needed her to know I respected her. I needed her to trust me completely. Once I felt she trusted me and I respected her I became comfortable with being what she needed and wamted and began to move towards being her domme. Unfortunately it was not soon enough and everything was already within days of apart.

Honestly, I was intimidated by being her domme at the very beginning. That is why I took time to gain trust and show her I respected her. I took time to learn her and get to know her as deeply as I could so that I could be confident in myself and my ability to give her what she needed.

Dammit, this hurts! I lost so much when this relationship ended. I still feel lost, but I have learned so much about myself. In that sense this relationship was a success.
 
Oh the twists and turns relationships can take. So Infinity and Mustang have worked through a lot and now seem to be in a good place with each other, both admitting wjat they feel for each other. I'm genuinely excited and happy for them. I have a little fear that somehow I will be forgotten, more that I do love them both and need them both will be forgotten as they grow closer. I have told them both this and Infinity has said he will not forget or ignore me. Mustang says I have nothing to worry about. Other things Mustang said though makes me worry she will now end things with Infinity so that I feel comfortable. I do not want her to end things. I have told her that. Infinity needs her as much as he needs me, just in a different way. She needs Infinity as much as she needs me just in a different way. I need them both, again in different ways. My fear is something I can work through and with time it will diminish and go away. I don't want things to end when they have finally started to get where we all wanted them to begin with.
 
I'm glad things are looking up! Triads can be so tricky...but they're also very rewarding, when they're working :)
 
Completely agree. Right now it's more of a V with potential of being a functioning triad. I'm OK with that.
 
I'm enjoying watching Infinity and Mustang falling for each other. It's awesome to be able to watch a relationship from this perspective. It's also nice that when they struggle to understand each other and they ask for advice I can give them specifics and not just general stuff like I would a friend when you don't know both sides of the story. I get to see both sides of it all. It gives me a lot on incite into both of them that most people don't get with their partners. It's all very interesting.
 
Comments, advice, help welcomed

How do I help Infinity understand I'm OK with how he feels and that he doesn't have to hide affection for Mustang from me out of fear I will not be comfortable with it? Infinity has a big fear that one day I'm going to become jealous or something and force him to pick between me and Mustang or that I will just leave. I have explained I'm not going to do that. That is not love in my opinion.

I don't run from hard stuff or feelings. I have been ok with seeing affection between them. It makes me happy to see someone else loves Infinity as much as I do even if they show their love in a different way from me. I am happy to see that Infinity lovest Mustang as much as I do even if it is in a different way from me. I have not felt jealous or envious of them and their time together when they get it. Why would I? These are two people I care very deeply for. I accept them as they are.

I don't want them to feel they can't be open around me or to constantly worry I'm going to switch gears and that they have to protect me. I'm mature enough that I know if something happens and I start feeling upset that my feelings are mine. I'm mature enough that I know I have to communicate with them and us talk and work things out as a whole. I'm not going to arbitrarily throw restrictions or anything like that at them just so I feel ok. That's not how this works.
 
How do I help Infinity understand I'm OK with how he feels and that he doesn't have to hide affection for Mustang from me out of fear I will not be comfortable with it? Infinity has a big fear that one day I'm going to become jealous or something and force him to pick between me and Mustang or that I will just leave. I have explained I'm not going to do that. That is not love in my opinion.

I don't run from hard stuff or feelings. I have been ok with seeing affection between them. It makes me happy to see someone else loves Infinity as much as I do even if they show their love in a different way from me. I am happy to see that Infinity lovest Mustang as much as I do even if it is in a different way from me. I have not felt jealous or envious of them and their time together when they get it. Why would I? These are two people I care very deeply for. I accept them as they are.

I don't want them to feel they can't be open around me or to constantly worry I'm going to switch gears and that they have to protect me. I'm mature enough that I know if something happens and I start feeling upset that my feelings are mine. I'm mature enough that I know I have to communicate with them and us talk and work things out as a whole. I'm not going to arbitrarily throw restrictions or anything like that at them just so I feel ok. That's not how this works.

Perhaps you could start with that last paragraph by telling them what you wrote in a journal- your thoughts and feelings. Maybe even read that paragraph out loud?

You could start with telling them
1) You love them both
2) you trust them both
4) you want to build on that trust with a specific way to make sure they feel safe and can trust you. :)

You could also make a SMART list of ways they can feel more secure and reassured other than just time.

Smart goals can be applied to anything, really useful I found in relationships, they are explained like this:

Specific
Measureable
Attainable
Realistic
Timed.

Gabrielle described trust to me like a marble jar, that we deposit in more marbles every time we are open and vulnerable and trusting towards a person. Each person has your own marble jar for them and different ways to earn or lose trust. As he described it we lose the marbles every time someone doesn't trust us, or hurts us, breaks a promise..etc. (I know this seems very basic, but going back to the basics is super important with Poly as all mono things are thrown under the bus.)

Do you feel by them not taking you at their word they don't trust you because of this quote:
"I don't want them to feel they can't be open around me or to constantly worry I'm going to switch gears and that they have to protect me."

Could you ask them if there's any specific reason for their lack of trust?
Or specific actions on your end that are perhaps subconscious and you don't realise?

If none of those things are happing, might be a good idea to see if you can ask for more trust from both of them, and also work on observing and not judging this new phase for them, it's going to take time to settle, so any time you can be calm and cool about it (Not worrying about their worrying) will add to those marbles in the jar.

If you worry they worry all the time, they'll see that in your behaviour it'll almost be like a self-fulfilling prophecy. :)

Since you specifically asked for advice here's what I got. Hope its some help. :eek:
 
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Thank you. I know why Infinity feels the way he does. It goes back to a previous poly relationship. I was put in a position where I had to choose one or the other. I was very new to all of this and Infinity and I were going through a really difficult place in our marriage at the same time. I left, and continued as the unicorn to the other couple of our quad. Obviously it ended, and Infinity and I worked things out and got back together. We then put in years of work before opening our marriage back up.

For Mustang, it's more that this is all new to her. She is still adjusting to it not being taboo to show affection towards another woman's husband, especially where it can be seen by that woman (me). I know it is a big adjustment for her. This is not something she is used to.

I know with time and consistency from me they will see if am really ok with all of this. I have worked with them towards this. I want this for them and all 3 of us.
 
I'm enjoying watching Infinity and Mustang falling for each other. It's awesome to be able to watch a relationship from this perspective. It's also nice that when they struggle to understand each other and they ask for advice I can give them specifics and not just general stuff like I would a friend when you don't know both sides of the story. I get to see both sides of it all. It gives me a lot on incite into both of them that most people don't get with their partners. It's all very interesting.

I had this experience when Dude was seeing Lotus. But I think you have to walk a fine line and recognize where your own biases may make you blind to what others may see. We ALL have our blindspots. Also, you don't want to set yourself up to be a "go-between" - it's OK to be a sounding-board and offer observations (if asked) - but they have to learn how to communicate well with one another.
 
I actually avoid being a go between as much as I can. I offer advice or try to help them understand each other. I also tell them to talk to each other. I do not relay messages or speak for one to the other.
 
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Comments, advice, help welcomed

When you realize your current relationship is not healthy for you what do you do? I love both of my partners so much, but their relationship is not healthy and it creates an unhealthy triad for us all. I don't know what I should do right now. I want them both and I want them to be happy, but it's not my job to make them happy. It's my job to be me and find and discover what makes me happy.

I feel like I am losing myself. I don't feel I can speak up and say what I truly feel out of fear of rocking the boat or being misunderstood. I feel like, and honestly I probably am, silencing myself and changing me just to keep them happy or from feeling hurt. Things are always up and down between my partners because they are not communicating effectively what they think, need, want or feel. Nor are they listening to what each of them or even myself are saying.

I'm so tired and worn out, but I don't want to give up on them or quit. I also don't want to end things with Mustang or end our triad, but things can't continue to go own like they are. I feel so torn right now on what I should do. I know the pros and cons of ending things. I also know the pros and cons of staying in it and letting things keep going like they are.

I'm sad, hurting, confused and lonely. So much of our time as a triad has been focused on them. I have in a way made myself less and put my feelings almost on hold and definitely on a back burner while everything is focused on them. Yes, in a way I'm a little resentful of that because while I know their relationship and feelings are important, so are mine. I feel like my feelings are being downplayed because I'm not rocking the boat and I am so patient and understanding, or I at least try to be.

I'm just so mixed up feeling right now and not sure what to do.
 
I'm sorry, but you asked for comments a bit upthread. Your blog started in December, and there really has been nothing but constant turmoil. At one point, you had suspected Mustang of using you to get closer to Infinity.

Where is the joy in this relationship(s)? Why are you still trying to engage in a triad? Constant drama does NOT mean love. It really just doesn't.
 
I agree. It has been very up and down, back and forth as well as off and on. I don't know why I have continued to try to make this work other than I just don't know how to give up until I have exhausted all options to fix things. This weekend has kind of brought me to that point. This has been on going for almost 6 months now.

Over the weekend they took a trip. It seems to have gone badly from what I can gather based on what they have said. Now it's the off again fall out and I have finally reached a point where I realized fixing it is not my job. I can only do what I need to do to be in a good place with things on my end.
 
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