Aquamarine
New member
Weird Midsummer
It was about all the festivities of the Midsummer this weekend. Friends came over, we bbq'd (or whatever, grilled food outside), had wine and whatnot. It was fun and much needed free time. Weird shit happened, though. I'm still processing some of it, and some shit is not for sharing.
But about the colleague I have a crush on. Yeah. She told me she might not be coming back from her stay abroad. I was so angry. Kay pointed out that of course the colleague can't take me into account in her life decisions - there is nothing concrete between us, just my hopes. I know, I know. Then I cried, again. I'm getting a tiny bit tired of crying about her. I wanted a light (or deep, yeah, why not), nice, fun connection, not this painful emotional rollercoaster. I don't know how to get off.
Kay is getting better; It seems her stress has started to lift. This is excellent news, because I feel I'm crumbling. At the moment I feel I can't support her enough, because I don't have any energy left for it. I have become afraid she needs more, or that she needs me now (at any given moment). Sometimes I don't want to go home, because I'm afraid I can't handle it all. It freaks me out I suddenly feel this way. I fear it could affect our marriage. However, I try to find some hope for myself, to trust that we can somehow deal with this all. I guess I should talk about it with Kay. But I don't want to, it'll be exhausting. I try to get temporary quick fixes by distractions. It partly works, when I do something meaningful (write, walk/hike, connect with people). Being alone helps me to re-gain some energies. It's not enough by itself, though. I realize we'll need something more profund for longer-term remedy. I'm even considering if I need some professional help myself. I wouldn't want to seek for it, because I know it would probably be exhausting. Everything is exhausting nowadays.
It was about all the festivities of the Midsummer this weekend. Friends came over, we bbq'd (or whatever, grilled food outside), had wine and whatnot. It was fun and much needed free time. Weird shit happened, though. I'm still processing some of it, and some shit is not for sharing.
But about the colleague I have a crush on. Yeah. She told me she might not be coming back from her stay abroad. I was so angry. Kay pointed out that of course the colleague can't take me into account in her life decisions - there is nothing concrete between us, just my hopes. I know, I know. Then I cried, again. I'm getting a tiny bit tired of crying about her. I wanted a light (or deep, yeah, why not), nice, fun connection, not this painful emotional rollercoaster. I don't know how to get off.
Kay is getting better; It seems her stress has started to lift. This is excellent news, because I feel I'm crumbling. At the moment I feel I can't support her enough, because I don't have any energy left for it. I have become afraid she needs more, or that she needs me now (at any given moment). Sometimes I don't want to go home, because I'm afraid I can't handle it all. It freaks me out I suddenly feel this way. I fear it could affect our marriage. However, I try to find some hope for myself, to trust that we can somehow deal with this all. I guess I should talk about it with Kay. But I don't want to, it'll be exhausting. I try to get temporary quick fixes by distractions. It partly works, when I do something meaningful (write, walk/hike, connect with people). Being alone helps me to re-gain some energies. It's not enough by itself, though. I realize we'll need something more profund for longer-term remedy. I'm even considering if I need some professional help myself. I wouldn't want to seek for it, because I know it would probably be exhausting. Everything is exhausting nowadays.