The whole self of Aquamarine

Weird Midsummer

It was about all the festivities of the Midsummer this weekend. Friends came over, we bbq'd (or whatever, grilled food outside), had wine and whatnot. It was fun and much needed free time. Weird shit happened, though. I'm still processing some of it, and some shit is not for sharing.

But about the colleague I have a crush on. Yeah. She told me she might not be coming back from her stay abroad. I was so angry. Kay pointed out that of course the colleague can't take me into account in her life decisions - there is nothing concrete between us, just my hopes. I know, I know. Then I cried, again. I'm getting a tiny bit tired of crying about her. I wanted a light (or deep, yeah, why not), nice, fun connection, not this painful emotional rollercoaster. I don't know how to get off.

Kay is getting better; It seems her stress has started to lift. This is excellent news, because I feel I'm crumbling. At the moment I feel I can't support her enough, because I don't have any energy left for it. I have become afraid she needs more, or that she needs me now (at any given moment). Sometimes I don't want to go home, because I'm afraid I can't handle it all. It freaks me out I suddenly feel this way. I fear it could affect our marriage. However, I try to find some hope for myself, to trust that we can somehow deal with this all. I guess I should talk about it with Kay. But I don't want to, it'll be exhausting. I try to get temporary quick fixes by distractions. It partly works, when I do something meaningful (write, walk/hike, connect with people). Being alone helps me to re-gain some energies. It's not enough by itself, though. I realize we'll need something more profund for longer-term remedy. I'm even considering if I need some professional help myself. I wouldn't want to seek for it, because I know it would probably be exhausting. Everything is exhausting nowadays.
 
Partying coming up

It's Pride week here. We are really looking forward to attend some of the events.

About the colleague I have a crush on: I realized that in the case she would be into me, it would be disturbing for her to join me AND my wife (AND her gf) in a party. So I asked if she wanted to go and have a couple of beers with me. She agreed. So now I'm nervous. Perhaps she cancels our meeting - Kay keeps calling them dates, but I don't know. Once again, it's a complete rollercoaster between high hopes and jumping for joy, and fears and anxiety. It properly distracts my thoughts, but it also takes some energy to deal with these emotions all the time.

In addition, Kay became a bit worried about me being this into the colleague of mine. She said that I'm not allowed to go and follow this lady abroad. Her absurd fears are almost adorable. I of course ensured her that I'm not going anywhere without her.
 
Kisses and crying

I met the colleague. First with a couple of her friends, which was really disturbing thought before I met them. I decided to face them anyway to meet the lady, and I think I more or less owned the situation, or so I felt. It took quite a while before the friends realized they should leave, but they did eventually. Finally alone, we chatted, took a few beers, just had generally a good time. She seemed to be in a rollicking mood, so I got excited, too. It was fun! Then she kissed me. I realized that I was not necessarily wrong earlier that night to think that maybe she actually liked me back. I wouldn't had dared to make any moves, however. So I was very glad she took the initiative. We kissed more later on, and I thought it was wonderful.

Because she kissed me, I decided I go ahead and call her MaryMorstan here. I chose that nickname because I like the character in BBC's New Sherlock series a lot. The character totally kicks ass, and so does my colleague.

No matter how much I like MaryMorstan - the day in general and our date (it was a date! yay!) were overwhelming, and I cried when she went home and I continued to a party.

Yes, the party thing was nice, and I danced a couple of hours. Kay and Cat were there, so I hung out with them mostly. Oddly enough, only few friends were there.

After all that, I managed to sleep only 3h, which is not ok for me at all. Sleep deprived and with a hangover, it was time to go for Pride march and a park piquenique thing. I felt like crap. I had no energy, but I went because I thought it's important to participate. So I did do it, but it was not fun at all. Kay, Cat and TeenKid were there. I don't know if I made Cat uncomfortable - I was really cranky, and I tried to let them have some space. Note to self: need to ask Cat if she felt my angry and retreating behavior was related to her (because it was not).

Cat came back to our place to hang. It was nice, but it also prevented me from dealing with my emotions. When she left, I totally broke into tears and Kay had to hold me. I felt overwhelmed because it seemed to me that MaryMorstan and I can't really communicate about emotions or relationship stuff. Kay asked if I felt it's my duty to try to 'save' MaryMorstan and teach her communication etc. I was happy and surprised to hear my own answer: not necessarily. I've had the habit of trying to save ppl from themselves. Besides, considering that I was expecting something light and fun, I have been crying way too much lately for MaryMorstan.

I don't know what to do. I really like MaryMorstan, and she seems to like me, too. But the whole thing feels dysfunctional somehow. I'm considering to take some space for myself. If she wants to talk, that's ok. But I try to avoid taking new initiatives right now. I need a day off - next week will be intense at work.
 
Understandings

Maybe I begin to understand MaryMorstan. She seems to be much like me. And I'm very introverted. I generally don't like ppl, with a few exceptions. I often appear rejecting and formal. So I think that maby MaryMorstan is interested in me, after all. She just can't communicate it very well. In any case, her capacity to deal with the situation is low. So I now think she would possibly like to start something with me, but seems unable to do it. Communication is hard. If we just chat without expectations, it's all good. If I don't make any special effort to meet her, it's ok. If I try too hard, it immediately goes sideways.

I still don't know what to do. I like her. I like her a lot. I try to be an adult. I try not to interpret everything through negativity: that if she doesn't answer my text right away, she's not interested (might be busy or out of energy, you know). Earlier, I promised to be there for her, if she wants me to. So we have talked. Sometimes I wonder if she just wants to use me as a listening ear for her complaints about her life. Then again, there is something about her that keeps me around. Some reciprocity. So I allow myself to act this way, although the situation is confusing.

I was abroad a couple of days for a work trip. I really badly needed the break from the home front. I still do... My vacation started now, so I'm hopeful.

Today, I confronted Kay about her emotional attachment to TeenKid's difficult situation - it's natural and understandable, but it's destructive for her. The confrontation came out of frustration. I was really looking forward to spend some alone time with Kay, and we ended up spending yet again a part of that to talk about the shitstorm stuff that is going on. I'm so tired of that. It just keeps repeating. So I said some stuff angrily. It would have been more constructive to discuss calmly and in a friendly tone. The content would have been the same, but I wish I had been more supportive. It seems I can't, and it worries me. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.
 
Disappointments

I keep swinging back and forth in speculating about MaryMorstan's feelings. Currently I'm again in a phase thinking she needs her break - especially from me. Of course I couldn't know, because she's not saying anything. So I try to maintain my space and not chase after her too much. It becomes less and less fun.

Today was supposed to be a date day with Kay. However, TeenKid needed Kay, so off she went. Now I'm waiting she would wake up and we could do something together. Anything. Go to sauna and have a dinner, at least. TeenKid is very ill. Kay worries sick of course, so her thoughts always are about TeenKid.

I had 3 days off, went camping to an island. It was very nice and refreshing! I wish I was still there. On the other hand, I had some sleep at home, unlike in my tent...

Cat is probably coming over in a couple of days. I'm actually looking forward to it. When she's here, it distracts Kay and she's less moody - or she hides it better, I'm not sure. And TeenKid gets some much needed attention. I feel I use Cat to cover for me in giving attention to my family. I feel a bit awkward or even guilty about it, but I don't know what else I could do but to welcome Cat with open arms here.

Everything feels very difficult right now. But at least we have sparking wine in the freezer. Maybe it will cheer us up.
 
Speculations

As I have written many times, I kept speculating about MaryMorstan's feelings. Lately, she almost invited me over. But not quite. I'm happy to report it felt only silly, and not hurtful. I think I'm getting there. I mean over her, to become just friends (if anything).

More dramatic developments happened with Cat. She's my wife's GF and I had a solid plan not to interfere, and not to think about Cat sexually. I even have had a suspicious attitude toward triads. I can't imagine how they work. But as you would guess, me and Cat talked a _lot_! At some point she said I might actually work for her, sexually and possibly romatically. I thought about it and figured she might work for me, too. I mean, it could be so easy and practical... (Besides triggering my need of control, which is inconvenient.) And I had checked her out a couple of times already, but tried to avoid that intentially. So maybe a triad after all? Scary and exciting. I told her this, and after a while, I told Kay about the situation. Kay didn't comment much. After I insisted about her reaction, and how to not make her life even more difficult as it is - she adviced me to do as would be easiest for me. She said what is the easiest for me would be easiest for her, too. So I informed Cat about Kay's comments. Soon, Cat decided she actually is too mono for even trying anything with me. I was (again) somewhat disappointed, but I only lost one night sleep because of this. I think we're going to be ok. We talked about my reactions and agreed we will be ok around each other despite this. I surely hope we will!

Me and Kay, we had a couple of lovely date nights. It was really wonderful. I also went back to my island to camp, so that Kay and Cat had their date night. It's not easy for them to arrange alone time because Cat also has kids, but at least I did my part to help them. Of course I did it more for myself, because I enjoy being alone, especially on the archipelago here.

Now it seems nobody but Kay is interested to be sexually involved with me. So I plan to focus more on my hobbies and physical stuff (hiking, walking around, maybe even some gym).
 
Being busy, missing kisses

I'm insanely busy with my trip preparations. I'm gonna go hiking for 15 days. The last time was 7y ago, and I'm really really looking forward to this! However, there is always something. I was supposed to drive to the destination with my parents, but my Mom has something wrong health-wise, so I'm unsure if they can go. I think the issue is not that serious so that I don't need to cancel my own trip, but I don't know how I will travel there. I keep preparing for the trip as if our plan would materialize. Perhaps it will.

Never mind this exciting trip, but we need to move out, because our home will be renovated by the owner. It will be great to have a new kitchen, but we need to move out right before my trip. So we need to pack our things, right now. A person in our family was kind enough to let us live with them during the renovation, but I'm really glad I'm getting away for two weeks. I don't exactly enjoy hanging around other ppl's home - let alone for several weeks.

And never mind my trip or the renovation, but I really should be working my ass off. Once again, a deadline is closing in, and I'm struggling.

Well, these struggles, being stressed, sleeping too little, etc don't prevent me from missing kisses. I mean long kisses. With tongue. I think such kisses are extremely erotic and enjoyable. However, Kay is not into that right now. I have wondered if I should seek company on-line. It just seems so pointless to create a tinder profile or such, and search for a person who would like to kiss. There's not much I could offer. Kisses, some intimacy, perhaps some sex. I wouldn't bother for myself, so why would somebody who doesn't know me. It's more likely I just wait a new marymorstan to walk into my life.

Btw, me and Cat, we have talked a lot about fear of getting abandonned/rejected. It's very useful for both of us, I think. The perspective of the other is surprisingly productive. I hope I can gradually let go of my fear(s).
 
Chaos as usual

It seems I'm alive. I did my hiking trip with my parents. It was... not what I expected. It was a wet, cold, miserable hike over wet stones in the rain. The positive side was that it totally and completely separated my mind from home problems and whatever relationship issues I had been having. All I was able to think was: Where's the next stone I'll step onto? Will I fall and hurt myself? How long until I get a roof over my head and a meal? Where will I sleep tonight? I won't go into more details, but it was a horrible hike, and a glorious source of future stories. I did it and I survived. I probably can do anything after that.

After my trip, we spent a couple more weeks out of our home waiting the renovation to get done. Then moved back in. It's been a lot of work. I mean: a lot!

Family front has been chaotic as ever. TeenKid is ill and it shows. Kay is barely handling it all. She has no energy to see Cat. I try to keep our everyday lives running. I do most of the chores, I shop the groceries, I pay the bills. It's hard. The hardest for me is that I can't quite afford our lifestyle. I have no money, and it's very stressful. I also have started to realize TeenKid actually needs me to be their parent. It's not just a project to be handled, it's an ill human being who needs me. Scary. Drains my energy.

Me and Kay, we had a surprise date day recently, because TeenKid suddenly decided to spend the day elsewhere. It was really desparately needed.

MaryMorstan has practically faded away from my life. She asked to see me, but immediately pulled her suggestion back. I ran into her one time, and to my own surprise, it was painful. She had this effect on me, and I didn't see it coming. I feel sad about our lost potential. I feel abandonned and rejected. Now I just try to heal myself the best I can.

I try not to do the same mistake again. I met a young woman who is quite attractive. Fortunately, our communication with this woman works and the whole thing is more balanced than with MaryMorstan. So, I can have my daydreams about this woman if I have that much energy, but I am also able to talk with her in a civilized manner and have a somehow meaningful relationship with her, friendzone or whatever zone. I currently have the impression I'm now capable of protecting myself against breaking my heart again. It's always useful to stay positive, right?
 
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Friendzoned

The young woman friendzoned me. We met over a coffee, and in my view, she was totally flirting with me. I didn't make any moves, because I'm shy or limited in that way (out of fear that I would get rejected and abandonned). In my mind, she was waiting for my initiative. I though about it over night and decided I like her too much that the feeling would just fade away on its own. I gathered my courage and asked her help: what to do. As she is a genuinely intelligent and emphatic person, she gently suggested that we could be friends. That stung a little bit - because I really thought she was flirting. Apparently she was not, after all. I readily agreed we could be friends. Perhaps this development was the calmest possible. I dared to ask directly about her reactions, our communication worked, I can work on my feelings or at least behaviour, and we can move on. Now I'm waiting I would stop hoping to receive a message from her. To feel normal about my relationship with this woman. It might take a while, but I think she's worth the effort. Even as a friend.

The other night, I was suddenly thinking about MaryMorstan. I started to cry because we missed this opportunity to create something awesome (at least that has been my fantasy). So, I'm not nearly over her yet. It's probably a good thing I don't have to try to develop a new relationship with somebody else yet. I don't know how to process this sense of being wounded, exposed and vulnerable. Talking about it with MaryMorstan seems not possible, since she's basically not talking to me, and even when she is, our communication just doesn't work. If I had the money, I would see a therapist...
 
Non-binary

When I started this blog, I identified three issues. One of them was my gender. I haven't addressed the issue here, since there has been nothing to report or discuss about it. I have been more or less satisfied with my observation that I didn't know what my gender was.

This year has been really disturbing and illuminating in many ways. In terms of my gender, I bumped into the word non-binary. It seems to fit me. Features of both a man and a woman, and something else on top of that. I'm very happy I don't suffer from body dysphoria, or at least it's very modest version. I mean I can live with my body, with my female anatomy. Sometimes my breasts bother me, but not enough to make me go into the transition process and get rid of them. I like my female reproductive organs, which is cool. I mean it makes my life that much easier. My image in the mirror still seems strange - the longer my hair, the stranger the image. Despite that, I can manage as I am. It seems to be enough I wear mostly men's chlothes.

I'm happy with my new label. It's nice to be able to identify with something.

I have no idea how other non-binary ppl describe their sexual orientation. I use the word pansexual, because I think that comes closest to my identity and preferences.
 
Life! Chaos and wonderful experiences

It's again been a while since my last post. A lot has happened!

Family crisis: If I thought I knew before what chaos ment, now it's even worse. I don't want to share the details, but the basic thing for my life is that TeenKid moved out and is apparently not coming back. Professional help is slowly getting control over the situation. The slow pace of help is agonizing, but there's nothing we can do. This all means I can't help the kid any more; the situation is beyond me. So I need to focus to heal myself and repair my own life. Kay is really hurt, yesterday she looked like zombie. I can only hope she gets through this. I try to help and support, but it's up to her in the end.

MaryMorstan: I think I'm quite ok with her again. I saw her a couple of times, just like saying hello and nothing more. It doesn't hurt any more.

Triad/Cat: A while ago, Cat moved near to our place, so I visited her. It was the first time we actually met alone, just the two of us. I was shocked when I realized I felt a really strong sexual appeal toward her. She was saying some strange things about searching for somebody else in addition to Kay. We then talked about it afterwards, as I first misunderstood I would be excluded despite her interest in me in last Summer. Well, she was now discovering her inner poly, after all. We then went ahead and had a date. It went really well, and we ended up having sex. It was really satisfying. And those kisses - the long, wet, deep kisses I had been missing; she is into them, too. After that, we've already had a few more dates, and we work well together. It has surprised us both. There is definitely a mutual crush developing. How nice! We talk and talk, we kiss, we make love. However. I'm not sure if Kay and Cat are still actually together. Cat has been really hurt and talked a lot about their relationship to me. I tried to comfort her by listening. I think it has helped her. Nevertheless, she would benefit more from being the primary partner to somebody, and at the moment, that is not the case. I'm somewhat afraid I'm going to hurt myself again with Cat, but it seems it's a risk I'm now willing to take. I was also quite worried I'm not able to offer enough support or a strong enough emotional connection to Cat, but she assured me it's not my problem as such.

This new relationship is very exciting, although it has completely surprised us both. I'm also genuinely surprised to feel this happy.
 
Could this be fun?

Me and Cat, we've dated a few weeks now, a couple times a week. I like her a lot. More I planned to like her... It never goes as planned, does it. But it's wonderful, so why worry. Lately, I stayed over the night, and we enjoyed ourselves. I'm only worried that I might want to offer her more than I'm able to. Because I like her a lot, and the feelings seem to get deeper. But we cannot live together, for example, because of Kay and because of my introversion. Let's see what happens. I try to stay optimistic and avoid my usual pessimism. At least it's fun right now! Might make it worth the effort. Also: it becomes more effortless all the time, I think.

I was having a blast during the New Year. I ran into this new lady... She managed to kiss me in a friend's party, and I was surprised it worked for me. She's not my usual type, but she promised to be low maintenance person, so it sounds good to me. We agreed to meet later, so that might be interesting as well. I'm totally enjoying the freedom now. I'm poly and there are no children at my home, so I can do whatever I want whenever I want. So I just do it and figure out if it's fun or should I seek something more meaningful or what.

I also have danced a lot at home. It's fun! And I need the exercise, so it's fun for a change to dance instead of going outside where it's cold, wet and miserable.

Kay is getting better, I think, which is a huge relief. I was quite worried. Her relationship with Cat seems to be over, though, so I can't invite Cat over. It's slightly inconvenient, but I'll manage.

There is hope all over the place now!
 
New girlfriend and inner peace

It's been 3 months. I've been busy at work and developing this new relationship.

So, Cat. Cat used to be Kay's GF, and now she's mine. That is rather odd, but it happened anyway, and all three of us are happy with the situation. Kay and Cat aren't still talking to each other, but I expect the situation becomes gradually easier. Cat and I, we have gone through several crises during the past 3 months. Cat doesn't have much experience on healthy sexual-romantic relationships, and she feels unsafe. I try to comfort her and make her feel more secure. I guess I have succeeded, at least somewhat. We have decided we want to prioritize sex in our relationship, which is quite ok for me - I like sex a lot, and I would really need my me-time. On the other hand, it's a learning process for us to figure out how much 'other stuff' we want and can do. Currently, not much. In the future, there are some errand-type of things Cat needs to perform, and I'm ready to help. Our lives won't integrate much, however, since we meet only at Cat's place. It's relaxing for me, but it's also a separate thing away from the other parts of my life. We are learning how to balance date frequencies and stuff. Btw, it's really weird experience, when suddenly I have such a person in my life who wants sex more than me! It's wonderful, but it was also a bit scary at first.

My resources and fatigue are a big issue for me, and sometimes it feels like a problem that I don't have the energy to meet (let alone have sex). On the other hand, this whole thing is a great opportunity for me to learn to recognize my limits and protect them. I've had this misconception that relationship should be all about melting together with the other person, to form a symbiosis. Well, that's just not true. I'm actually allowed to have my own life, rest when I need to, etc. I guess many people learn this at their childhood or youth, but I am learning it now. This winter has been a time of emotional and even spiritual growth for me. I'm very excited that I might be learning to value myself, instead of punishing, blaming, making myself feel guilty, forcing myself to work beyond my own limits, and feeling unworthy, useless and basically just a piece of shit when I'm not able to perform all the duties I've been demanding from myself. Anyway, this journey is also part of me, and I'm very happy I'm learning how to show gentleness and benevolence toward myself.

Then Kay. She's not completely ok, but she's better. She writes, yay! It's a very promising sign about her recovery. In addition, she met an extraordinary woman and they started to date. Their pace is very, even extremely slowly, but anyway. I'm glad to report that I didn't feel threatened or insecure in any way, but I was able to be completely happy for Kay. It feels so good to be able to exist without constant worrying and anxieties!

Earlier, I dated a couple of other women as well. The dates didn't result in anything more. I learned I don't miss anything more in my life; dealing with Cat is quite enough. Also, my own journey to become healthier and self-accepting person takes its time. So I'm quite happy to just leave any further attempts. I guess I somehow felt I should try something new, too, as Kay and Cat were doing it, too. But I don't actually need anything more right now. Perhaps it was worthwile to try that out; now I don't have to wonder what it would be like.

So life's good, and it's getting even better.
 
Wow Aquamarine you have made such huge strides in your progress with life generally.

I'm super sorry about your son going MIA, and I hope that's resolved peacefully at some point, but I'm also glad you have space to take care of you and your wife and Cat. It's very good to hear from you, and I hope you keep on letting us know how you get on.

It's a real issue when you have to deal with fatigue and introvert/extroversion, energy levels. So just keep pacing yourself as best you can! I'll be rooting for ya. :eek:
 
Burn-out and break-up

First of all, thank you Starlight for your kind words and support! I appreciate your comment!

Then some updates. It's again been over two months since my last post. Two major things have happened.

Cat: We recently broke up. It wasn't pretty. She felt I wasn't there enough for her, and I felt I couldn't give more to her. I guess she felt frustrated and unsafe, and so she said some nasty things to me. I told her basically to fuck off. So she's now completely out of my life, and Kay's as well. They never restored their relationship. Now I'm not talking to Cat, either. After a year of intensive communication and only half a year of dating our relationship seems so short. It still requires some work from me to let her go. I miss the good parts, the daily chit-chat, the emotional closeness, the ability to blabber about my issues to a close but still detached person. I miss the sex! I feel hurt. I feel she misused the trust I had on her. Even though we had a crisis every three weeks, I thought we had a connection, which I relied on heavily. Having said that, I have cried much less than I expected about our break-up. In a way, it was also a relief, because I was becoming worried about my capacity to give her enough attention. Now I have all the time I want for hiking...

Burn-out: I have had these symptoms of burn-out. The fatigue has been unbelievable. My initiative has lowered. I decided I take measures early, so I arranged myself a break from work. I've had depression twice before, so I figured if I don't deal with this right now, I end up with a third diagnosis of depression. That would be unbearable, you know, because untreated depression kills, and I'm not looking forward for the treatment, either. So this is the easier way. I didn't work at all for 3 weeks, then worked a tiny bit during the 4th week. This week I must work, because the deadline of a conference paper is on Friday. I will proceed with minimum effort with it. In addition, I have cut everything else off. I don't go anywhere, I don't attend any events or seminars or anything. I don't hang around with colleagues or friends. I just sit at home and rest. I do the chores, because Kay isn't up to it - she works. I go for walks and I do my exercise routine to maintain the health of my back. That's basically it.

All in all, I would now have some space in my life for new people. But it doesn't make any sense to date while I'm this tired all the time. I miss being connected to somebody, and it has been a total agony to get again used to this sexless lifestyle. The fatigue doesn't hinder my libido much - on the contrary, sex is the last thing I can do... Kay is now on a helthier shape than before, but she has these phases when sex is not an option, so right now I rely on my own hands on that department. Well, solo sex helps, but it's not the same. It doesn't help, though, that there is someone messing my thoughts around - but I have no idea how to write about that yet. Perhaps it's nothing? Perhaps I'm freaking out? I don't know. (It's a guy! Omg! I don't even like guys!)
 
A crush on a man

My life is currently very much dictated by my fatigue. Today, I tried to work, and managed to edit my text for 15 minutes or so. Then I got so tired I needed a nap - I couldn't sleep, though. So I want to write about this dude distracting my thoughts. The disctraction is so efficient it feels me and Cat broke up ages ago. I'm still mad at her, but only occationally.

So, this man. I haven't felt anything for men for maybe 5 years, even though I consider myself as pansexual. I'm just not interested. Women are so much more wonderful, sexy, exciting. Well, this dude is an execption, and I have had on-and-off thing for him for maybe 3 years. This alone freaks me out. It's apparent (now) that my disinterest towards men is connected my sense of insecurity resulting from my Dad's addictive behaviour when I was a kid and a teen. You know, addicts cannot be trusted, because alcohol/substance/whatever is always number one for them, and other people are only tools to get more. Also some other male relatives in my life turned out untrustworthy. So I probably fear unconsciously all men are like that...

Nevertheless, I've trusted this one man more than any other. Here, I want to call him Morpheus, because I absolutely loved the character in Matrix movies. The best movie ever!! Anyway, Morpheus and my wife Kay have been close friends long before I got into the picture. During the years, we agreed upon to go ahead and try to have a baby together. It didn't work out, I had two miscarriages. After last year's ordeal with TeenKid, and now that I'm suffering from this burn-out, I think there will be no baby in my life. However, the mere attempt itself, which took 3 years, and the support I got from Morpheus during that time, have built a unique position for him in my life. I didn't anticipate it, and I was surprised to notice I missed him after I informed him about my decision to cancel our baby project.

During those years, I was more or less into him already, but I tried to stay cool about it, because I figured it would be easier to deal with kid issues if we hadn't had a history of weird messing around between us. I really expected these feelings fade away with the hormones. I never said anything to Morpheus, because I wanted us to behave appropriately.

Also there was the issue of Morpheus being Kay's close friend, and it has been somewhat unclear what Kay thinks. I have this bad habit of getting attracted by and being attractive to her friends. I have tried to respect her boundaries on this and kept my mouth mostly shut. Occational joking about it has revealed enough. However, lately she has been saying she doesn't want to limit me, so it's less stressful now from this viewpoint.

And of course saying anything felt pointless, because Morpheus is gay. Even though I'm non-binary, I felt that he saw me as a woman (logical in our previous situation). My appearance is quite butch, but I figured I might not be man enough for him. I have this female anatomy, after all. So I proceeded more on the friendzone. Last winter we didn't see each other for months, and I missed him, so I started to intive him to come over or to join me to go somewhere - anywhere, really. He was too busy.

This was the status quo until a few weeks ago me and Morpheus went out together - just the two of us on my request. We had a nice picnic. There was some alcohol. There were strawberries. There was a sea view. We talked a lot about everything, some serious stuff as well. We ended up hugging, and then he gave me a kiss on my forehead, and then a small kiss on my lips. I took that as a hint and I, how to put it, attacked his mouth with mine. It was pretty heated. He didn't seem to mind. After a while I was kind of all over him, because I'm quite dominant sex-wise, and I could see he enjoyed it as much as I did. It was hot! It was wonderful, and I was on the top of the world. Later I asked about his boundaries, and he replied none were crossed there. How lovely! My fantasies really exploded.

After our picnic I have tried to figure out what is going on, and it is extremely difficult as my own hopes keep interpreting everything to my favor. It seems his idea is that it was fun, and at some point in the future something similar might happen, or not. The basic thing is that we are friends. My interpretation is that he might like us as friends with benefits, but is not completely sure about what kind of benefits he is able to deal with. To my knowledge, he's also unaware about Kay's attitude. After the picnic, my insecurities kicked in, and I had hard time to accept that he doesn't need to be in constant contact with me. I would like to message him every day. He chats if he is in the mood, but not much. I got used to the marathon chats me and Cat had... And as far as something similar or more might happen at some point - I want it to happen right now! My impatience has been difficult to deal with.

Even more scary scenario is that there are some feelings. I really like him, and I keep having these thoughts of - something. Some sort of permanent fwb arrangement. He already told me he has nothing to offer romantically, because he's monoromantic and attracted to somebody. The sexual aspect is still unclear. I've started to be a bit worried about myself. Will I break myself with him? It's quite obvious I always want more than him, whatever the arrangement or relationship. I don't know if I can deal with that or not. On the other hand, I want him so much I just can't be rational and friendzone myself in order to protect me. I'm too stubborn to play it safe.

What a mess. I like it as long as there is some hope.
 
Tired rant about Morpheus

I guess I'm just very frustrated about this fatigue. I can't do anything fun (or productive), because I have to save my little energy to survive the bare minimum of everyday life. You know, cooking, maintaining the health of my back. This week it's the Pride week here, and there are so many everts I could attend. Except I can't.

Morpheus came over on the other night to celebrate the midsummer, which is a big deal here in Finland. I was nervous, because me and Morpheus had not seen each other after the kiss-picnic-thing. It went ok. He was moody, I was quiet, and Kay needed to keep the conversations going. There was some alcohol-propelled joking about sex-related stuff. It became clear that he indeed wants something from me. My interpretation is that he would like it (whatever it is) to happen in a very casual way, which he could then dismiss as only-because-I-was-drunk or whatever. That won't work for me. I want at least an honest conversation what is going on. Not through jokes, but a real talk about it. Even Kay said afterwards that me and Morpheus need to seriously discuss about the situation - she saw the chemistry well enough.

I have tried to discuss about it but Morpheus is not up to it at the moment. I got really tired about his defensive humour. So now I am going through this defensive phase: I'm too tired to try any more. I'm too tired to text him. I'm too tired to try to maintain even a casual chat connection between us. Instead, I will try to find new things/people/whatever to focus on (which is very difficult because I don't have energy to do anything). If he wants to contact me, cool. If not, so be it. It hurts already a bit, but I'm too angry to work through the pain yet.

It seems this is a pattern for me. I fall for people who don't have any capacity to handle me. Before Morpheus there was MaryMorstan, and there have been others in the past. Since I don't know what's the actual problem I don't know how to avoid these situations. Perhaps I just need to bang my head onto the wall so long that I get it. Or I get a fucking brain damage...

As a highly sensitive person, my emotions always go rollercoaster, but today, I hate it. Fuck this shit! I need my zen.
 
I need my zen!

No zen available here. Only 3 days (three!! days!!) passed, and I already missed Morpheus. Like wtf Aquamarine, we didn't see each other for months during the winter. And now 3 days is too much?

I. Am. So. Fucked.

Me and Kay talked about Morpheus yesterday - she's worried about him. He's been so negative lately, she said. We talked about his issues we know are going on. Well. I guess this means it is not me, it's him. Kay said she doesn't believe it would be about me at all.

So my next problem is that I'm getting worried about Morpheus, too. And what that means is that my savior complex kicks in and I start to have this strong need to save him. Except I cannot. I cannot save him! Only Morpheus can save Morpheus. I barely can save myself, and that is the person I should focus on saving: myself.

I'm sad. And secretly enjoying it. Because I have a plan how to proceed with Morpheus, and planning makes me feel safe. It also allows my fantasies to continue. No closure for me whatsoever.

Pride week: I played my being stubborn about it -card and went for a Pride event. It was an exhibition about gender. It was nice, but that combined with a tiny work thing (printing out one article) and shopping some groceries drained my energy. I didn't have energy to go for a walk, even. Bad news for my back. Today, I would have had time to go to My Island (of course it's not actually mine, it's owned by the city and for everyone), but no energy to get up early enough. So here I am, on my computer and listening music.
 
Easy and fun! + Happy Pride!

Yay, I got my wish! At least I kind of got my wish about easy and fun, but close enough for now. There was a work-related party. I had promised to go, so I went even though I had no energy to do it. In the end, I'm glad I did, because it was so much fun! I had a blast with a few colleagues.

I don't know what is wrong with me around colleagues, but once again a female colleague sort of approached me. It was non-sexual enough to pass as friendly conversations. But we danced together, and she wanted to do it slow. Slow dance became sexual in my mind. So it was somewhat weird, but still fun and lovely. I tried to avoid temptations to kiss her, as I expected her to be straight. It turned out my gaydar is not functioning properly... No kissing, tho. She kept telling me how wonderful I was, and that was somewhat surprising - nobody says that to me except Kay. Anyway, she has a partner and there are no indications of her being non-monogamous. Thus, no kissing or even trying to. I just made sure she got home safely, because she was pretty wasted. My efforts were appreciated the next day, and she neatly saved the "wonderful" statement with adding "friend" to it. Nice. Sure, I can be a wonderful friend, too, if I make the effort. I did at the party, and a queer dude just casually pointed out that he would want what "we" had. I was shaken and replied that we are not in fact a couple, and he was really surprised and said a couple of times that he really thought me and the female colleague were a couple. Perhaps I overdid it?

I'm sort of disappointed about myself that yet again a person I like became a target of my sexual attention (even if only or mostly in my mind). Is it impossible to have non-sexual relations with attractive adults without this sexual phase? Anyway, this is a nice distraction from Morpheus, who is not taking any contact voluntarily.

After that party I had 5h sleep and then we went to Pride march, which had a record high attendance! It was amazing! And very exhausting, as it always is. I'm very pleased I made through it again, and the picnic thing afterwards. I barely talked to anybody, though, because the fatigue was already enormous. Afterwards, I took a 4h nap...
 
So not over him

I had a big intl conference this week. It was very stressful and I had no energy to participate anything but the bare minimum. Most of the time I just lied on my bed in my hotel room. Still, it was kind of a distraction from my usual back and forth thoughts.

At the last conference day Morpheus texted me, after a week of silence or so. I eagerly replied, and he explained what bothers him. While his issues are not fun at all, I was so happy to get his messages the usual rollercoaster returned. The fantasies, the planning, the worrying.

Fuck. Could I please think about something else?? I can already see it is not possible for me to save him, so why I keep hoping I could. Sigh.
 
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