Extreme Altruism/Irrational Empathy - Help!

jaderunes

New member
I'm having an extremely hard time coping with my nesting partner's push to have not only a non-hierarchical relationship with me and my metamour. This is a desire of his which I am open to and was easing myself into with success and comfort after understanding a primary relationship between the two of us as identified by myself, not him. I'm not saying it was easy.

However, a lot has come to light and new realities are becoming clear to be to me in the past month, big boundaries have been crossed, long-term dishonesty has made it very difficult to be open to and easily accept non-hierarchy and the new weight that I understand that I have in his heart. Of course his actions have drastically changed my feelings.. Every cell in my body wants to fight this loss of love.

On top of this he also seems to be pushing a very non-hierarchical relationship between me and any strictly platonic friendship. This is where a big source of my anguish is coming from today. This is what has pushed me past the edge, causing me to seek neutral opinions and a need to understand. I find him to be acting indiscriminately empathetic, and embodying extreme altruism, at times when it is unnecessary, clearly hurtful from my point of view, and what feels to be purposely unsupportive...

I use the phrase 'pushing me into' because of the passive/confusing manner I feel the shift to non-hierarchy took place and continues to develop.. wearing my ring, becoming solo nesting partners, the longer length of mine and his relationship than that of my metamour and his.

His relationship with my metamor began just when I left. Much has developed and changed since then for both of them. Him and I began a long-distance set-up in December due to my temporary move for 6 months. I'm to return home in a few short weeks and I feel left behind, undervalued, and unsupported - all to an extreme. It is as if we have taken a break for this duration… Big boundaries were crossed, dishonesty prevailed, and I have not received the sensitive gentle approach that I expected asked for and needed from my love. I feel like I've made up an entire reality in my mind. I tell myself I failed to communicate but I know that I did communicate boundaries clearly, misunderstandings, difficulties and how to help me through them, but I am told that I am not communicating.

I've attached a conversation between me and my sweetie to show my inability to understand his desire to tell me, as I am in crisis mode, that he will continue to support and be friends with an ex-roommate of mine who has hurt me deeply. The recent actions of this friend of mine has allowed me to cease my altruistic approach to our friendship and my extreme empathy for this person. I feel that my partner cannot be sensitive to me in this moment of crisis by even filtering his words. Even if he chooses to remain friends with this person, which I am not denying that I do NOT support, he could not be gentle to me in the moment to deescalate my anger, hurt, and feeling of abandonment. Oh by the way, I have borderline personality disorder, which has entirely been triggered as a result of the new developments. This has all come to light in the past month.

Please help me understand his actions?
Are my emotions and expectations far too intense and demanding.. unfair?

How does my boderline personality disorder effect this all?

I wish he was more sensitive :( I wish that he didn't completely neglect the core of our relationship like this.

Help?
 

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Hi jaderunes,

It sounds like your nesting partner is being insensitive toward your needs. I am sorry he is doing that. I'm somewhat unclear on the details of the situation so if you could go into more detail that would help.

I hope you guys are able to work some things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
thanks for reading kdt, here's a freagin novel

I do have a support network in my friends and family and I am out as poly. I don't have a discussion with a neutral poly individual.

Things almost ended after I visited home about a month ago and in a round-about way discovered that for months he was having unprotected sex with his other partner despite our agreement and my health history... (he didn't tell me him self I accidentally found out through conversation with my metamour during my welcome home party).. He had visited me in my home away from home, met my family, and had sex with me despite this having already taken place... and I visited a month ago and he slept with me with no intentions of telling me the truth. I had communicated with him while I was gone to be sure we were on the same page - "always safe sex right?" and the response I got - more than once - was "of course honey". It was all a lie. All of the work that I had done to prepare myself for a non-hierarchical relationship with him, and the heart that I put into my relationship with my metamour went out the door.. I immediately lost the deep connection that I had with him and knew it would never be the same... in one second everything ended and I realized that I was being manipulated. He talked me into to working through things eventually

She really didn't care that he went through these lengths to be deceitful. She didn't know about our agreement... didn't seem upset for a single moment to find out that she absolutely was put at risk, knowingly on his part. This lack of reaction and her, to what me seems like, aggressive tactics on social media to compete and show off have caused me to lose all respect for her... Ex - as I'm flying home from my visit last month, broken hearted entirely, she posts her selfie in our poly facebook group selfie thread - "here's my favorite picture of me last week, i was feeling so cherished by my love"... as I'm on the plane flying home from them.

Things just got worse and worse - an example - I asked him to not host an event in our home because I couldn't handle being left out and I felt threatened and, perhaps animalistically on my part, I felt that she was taking ownership my home - it felt like competition and it felt intentional to me. Given the circumstances I believe my feelings were understandable and to be expected? My request was heard, but the decision was made to not move the date to three weeks later when I would be there - when we could host our first poly community game night in our home all together. Later on, the night of the party, I asked him if he knew that this was a sore point for me and that I was having hard time coping, that I am hurt that it is happening still and he told me that I did not voice my concerns at all... Later as I'm trying to explain to why our relationship is hurting and ending and I tell him of that denial of my voice he said that I did voice myself, that I told him to do what he wanted to do.. so he did.. It's been a mind fuck entirely..

I began to realize that, despite the intentions that he shared with me at each road block - that he would be more sensitive and gentle, that he was willing to be very flexible for me, that he just needed me to communicate my needs - despite all of his words, his actions would not fall in line as I hope. I began to realize that I was voicing my needs, my difficulties however petty they felt, and that he would not do the same. I got to a point where I could tell him that it felt like through his actions he (and her also..) was telling me something that he couldn't/wouldn't verbally communicate to me - that he wants more freedom, more openness, that he doesn't want me to have any say in his social life, even in his pursuit of more opposite sex potentials while I'm far away and dealing with his actions regarding safe sex. I told him that being honest about what he wanted would mean that he would lose me so he was choosing not to share his intentions with me. So he hijacked my reality instead and made me feel like we could work towards compromise - towards what I was begging for - towards what I was led to believe he wanted - a solid core of our relationship prior to being so socially saturated and leaning towards polysaturation, leaning towards don't ask don't tell more than strict boundaries and emotional care and awareness.

I began to realize and I think I know now that I was gaslighted. That I was emotionally manipulated (I don't know still if it was intentional at all.. but I do know that he's a very smart man and that he's very perceptive.. he may not have known exactly what he was doing or why he was doing it but he must have known that he was being unfair to me..).

It all came to a head when my old roommate flipped out on me. We've been friends for about 4 years. She is ex-military with PTSD, I was always sensitive to this and her and I never had a huge falling out but she did occasionally treat me unfairly and always apologized.. to the best of her abilities. I sent her a friendly letter a month before returning home to prepare her and plan for the removal of some of my furniture from her home. We had agreed to leave some of the stuff there because it was mutually beneficial. My partner lives three blocks away and there was an understanding that if she needed anything removed that he would help immediately and place it in his garage where he has "plenty of room". She took it to an extreme - proclaiming that my things are now legally hers, that we never agreed to that arrangement, that I skipped out on some rent and broke a lease that I never signed, that I use people and am just an all around bad person etcetc. It couldn't be farther from the truth. So I documented it - the fact that for the past 5 months her and I had been in contact and never negative relations... I tried to talk sense to her, but things landed with her claiming what she wanted - large items worth money and items that she doesn't have in her home to begin with.. items that she wanted. She attacked my character and she called me a user, a liar, a cheat, and a thief. I decided I was through with this person for good.

I hit a brick wall when I forwarded him her initial response to me, expecting him to call and ease my frustration and anger and hurt. His response was from a neutral and extremely altruistic/empathetic standpoint and I cannot respect it although this is a big question of mine - are my expectations unfair here? Is his extreme altruism okay? Should I not have expected him to completely be on 'my side'.. it feels wrong to dictate the relationships of others of course... it feels extremely childish... but it also feels like something that should be expected in this case... he wouldn't know her if it wern't for me.. he only knew her for a few months before I left and not closely at that. His immediate responses to her email sent me over the edge - "I don't understand why she is acting this way.. but its probably best to let it go".. "I get the sense that she felt annoyed that you left stuff but didn't say anything about it.. so maybe that's why she's reacting in this way I don't know."

"Trist is my friend and I'm not going down a rabbit hole with this okay so please try and let it go I'm not taking sides with this okay"

It only got worse and worse. I tried to have him reiterate to me his wish to remain friends with her while I was on the opposite side of the spectrum, pronouncing, albeit emotionally, but I still feel this way: "I will never be social with this person again, I do not consider them a friend and I am afraid of them and I do think they there is a possibility that in the under the right circumstances that they would cause me harm, I do not ever want them in our home for any reason ever again".

Guess who was invited to the poly game night?.. see it just got worse and worse.

This was my breaking point in many ways. I was done with my friend and I was extremely disillusioned by my partner.. ready to give up.. extremely confused and left baffled. It pushed me even further and anger prevailed. I did not say horrible hurtful things but I did continue to try to be heard, understood, I sought out to make him understand that he should have supported me better, that he should have not defended her actions which he proceeded to do. He went to her home and tried to gather my things - she claimed the larger items - a lot of things like a couch, antique chairs, my vacuum and a lot more. He said things like "why do we need two vacuums" and "I don't have room for that in my garage anyways". Complete dismissal of my personal belongings continued. I was through with the relationship.

I do have expectation management to work on. I do have reactionary emotion to work on. I wish I could have been calmer and been the bigger person throughout but I didn't have the ability... now I feel embarrassed and full of shame... I have ended the relationship and did not allow more than one discussion between the two of us to take place regarding. To him and to his other partner, I gave up, I blew up, I said terrible things, I hurt, I was unreasonable and unfair, and I am a child.

But - I am a rational person. I did not say things to intentionally hurt.. I did NOT abusively berate him... I was pushed beyond my abilities to stay calm and understand and work through things. Now I am crippled knowing that I am the bad guy to them. Knowing that he gave up so easily. And being entirely confused by his actions following all of this and continuing on each day.

I am lost now. I am happy it's over. I can't get past the feeling that I've ruined everything. I am afraid of the bargaining process that takes place and that I will and I am falling victim to my brain wanting what I never had and what I know he will never provide.

Even if no one reads this. writing makes it feel better.
 
Hi and welcome to the boards. It's too bad it is under these circumstances.

You posted this in a little used section so it is unlikely you will get a ton of answers.

Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with being empathetic or altruistic. I think we as humans should strive to become more of both. However, I don't think that was the actual problem. You weren't feeling heard. I don't think you over-reacted. I think it was the final straw. I think it caused you to realize what kind of person he really is.

Non-hierarchy does not mean you can't be there for a partner. It also doesn't mean you can lie to your partner or ignore their feelings. Good on you for not putting up with all that.

Of course they will blame you. That's what assholes do. Be glad you are rid of them. Don't blame yourself for looking out for your own interests.
 
Hi jaderunes,

I gather that you and your partner have broken up? maybe broken up? status unsure? It does sound like he's been gaslighting you, it sounds like he does not have healthy relationships.

I picked up three main things that he's done:

  • lied to you about not having safe sex,
  • hosted an event when you asked him not to (and claimed you didn't ask),
  • refused to lend you moral support when your roommate flipped,
and there may be other things.

I also get the impression a lot of your stuff is in his garage. Could you get it moved into a storage unit? Just wondering.

Sorry you are in such a tight spot.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Sounds like he cheated on agreements in having bareback sex with other people without telling you. Along with some other dishonest things, gas lighting, and emotional manipulations.

I began to realize that, despite the intentions that he shared with me at each road block - that he would be more sensitive and gentle, that he was willing to be very flexible for me, that he just needed me to communicate my needs - despite all of his words, his actions would not fall in line as I hope.

And saying one thing but doing another. Which makes it hard to trust him at his word.

Are my emotions and expectations far too intense and demanding.. unfair?

I don't think you feeling upset by all that is unreasonable or unfair. Your BPD might amplify the "volume" of the emotions, but they are still understandable to have in this situation. It's simply a bad situation!

Now you two are broken up. I can imagine it feels yucky and can imagine this isn't fun. That you probably feel sad and a lot of other feelings.

It's ok to be a grieving person right now. Just be ok feeling the emotional waves come and go as you move toward healing.

  • You did the first part of the job -- you ended it and disassociated yourself from hurtful people. No more new crap will pile on from them.
  • It's ok to rest and heal some before dealing with the second part: Sorting out whatever leftover crap got left around.

I get that there's more stuff to get through before arriving at "There. I am healed now." But in the long run? I think you might be better off without this constant source of pain in your life. Neither of these people was healthy for you to be around. Their behaviors bothered you to a great degree.

I don't think you "ruined" anything. You weren't getting what you needed here, weren't being heard, and were treated poorly. What's there to ruin there? Removing yourself so you can't be hurt some more by these people? I would say that's a good thing to "ruin."

I wish I could have been calmer and been the bigger person throughout but I didn't have the ability...

Ok, so the break up was more dramatic that you would have liked in hindsight. At the same time? You were past your limit of tolerance. It's understandable to blow up some when you are agitated. When people get louder/angrier it means they are not being heard at lower volumes. So they try to speak up even MORE so they are FINALLY heard.

He basically didn't want to hear you. That's not your doing. That's his. And because he doesn't want to own how his poor behavior contributed to the situation making? He's going to make you out as the bad guy and shift blame.

Be ok with that. Because it means you can GET OUT clean without lingering, dragging it out BS from him. You know you aren't a witch or whatever. Him calling you names now? It's just more of his crap in an already long list of crap behavior towards you. You don't have to prove anything to anybody, much less him.

Could call that part lesson learned -- don't stick around past your limit of tolerance in future relationships. Ask for changes calmly and if you are not being heard/respected? If people are not honestly trying to work things out with you? Don't JADE with them. (Justify, argue, defend, explain.) Don't get louder and louder still unheard. Don't stick around some more hoping. Put the energy into your feet instead and walk away. End it sooner while you can still end it calmly instead.

When someone shows you who they really are? BELIEVE them.

You have my sympathies. I am glad you are no longer in the line of fire being hurt.

I hope you feel better for the vent.

hugs
Galagirl
 
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I am feeling strong today. Thank you for your part in this.

Thank you all for the welcome and kind words. I didn't think I'd get a response, let alone my actions be understood and supported. I don't have perspective from a neutral poly party and that is why I sought out resources like this - I found this forum and I found loveisrespect.org. Thankfully I DO have support elsewhere - friends and family who are neutral but not poly and I do not want to overly depend on them - I also do not want to create a splinter in the small community that both he and I belong to in Olympia. I am very lucky to have the support that I do from family and friends.

At this point I also want to seek out a poly counselor/therapist in the next week to discuss the events the aftermath and myself in general. I no longer feel like I am in crisis. The anger is subsiding, and I am dealing with thoughts of bargaining the relationship and reaching out. I am fighting it, and it has not happened yet - and won't if my less manic side prevails. Life has taken such a turn, no longer immediately returning to the PNW no longer belonging in a home that I loved no longer such a big part of that friend family that him and I created together, but I am trying to be okay with this and I think I am doing a good job.

I reached out to a love is respect advocate and while supported in general - "he should not lie to you and you deserve absolute honesty and respect in regards to your health above all" - I was also told that I have a deep problem with communication and expectations and that the advocate was concerned for me in these areas. The social media posting I described of my former metamour being elated as I'm broken hearted flying home with news of unprotected sex lies - and other social media aggressions - pictures of building her a bike with the parts that he bought for my bike and doing so the day - hours after - I removed my belongings from our home - I was told that I have no place to dictate their relationship and that I shouldn't be so hurt by those actions. "Social media should not affect you in such a way if you are in an open relationship particularly." It hurt to hear that when I was really seeking someone who would provide support and clarity and actually an examination of the manipulation that was going on.

I was searching for validation. It sent me into self-defense - trying to prove to myself - I believe I voiced what I wanted, and what was expected - could I have done more? yes of course more can always be done. I believe that respect is due in all venues, including social media - I believe that at times my expectations were absolute and unwavering but not beyond reason considering the screwed up circumstances to begin with but also considering that they are MY feelings and views, they were not poorly communicated BUT I WILL SAY THEY WERE provided without demand to meet them, without pushing for more of a discussion on his views no - rather I was happy with what felt like a loving agreement on his part.. agreement to my wishes... but that is how I understand it now after the fact.. that they were my wishes not his. When discussing together over time I took that we held the same values and moral foundation concerning our love, and sexual partners. I was elated and full of bliss to know that he understood the importance of our core relationship and the sensitivity that I needed in introducing serious partners to the dynamic. My expectations were set by both myself and by him.

Expectation management? Did I perhaps not allow for enough or ANY wiggle room in my understanding and interpretation of his approach to being free and open? Perhaps I AM too intense, passionate, overly demanding without making the demands/wishes clear enough... Perhaps I shouldn't be so hurt when I see her posting in our facebook poly group her fears in a thread asking to name your poly fears of the week: "I fear that my partner will leave me to be with his other partner who he's been with longer. She is going to a really hard time right now and I can see him needing to focus his attention all on her." LOL a little venting there, but funny that the opposite happened in the end. I didn't appreciate her commenting on my state of well-being to a bunch of strangers and mutual poly friends. Am I pushing this over the top from y'alls point of view? It feels like I am nit picking but I think its just things start to go bad and you begin to examine everything that is going on around you.
 
Visanity.

Visanity. The anger that he directed at me when I called him asking to delete my explicit pictures after a day of no response to that request was surprising - he's never angry. He absolutely wanted to and I'm sure does place blame for the end of the relationship primarily on myself for reacting how I did, not calmly and not including him in my decision making, not stepping back from what was going on and giving the entire situation time and space. He didn't realize that he was shaming me and how obvious it was, he chose to give me an impression of my actions as being immature and not from a place of retrospection. He often said that I should make such a decision when I am so far away and that he knows that if I were there with him we would be able to effectively communicate and work through this - that I just needed to be with him face to face. Reminding me of my comments to him regarding how our relationship began to feel as if it were on a break - like he was on a vacation from me. He discounted those feelings entirely.

I do realize that I need to put their beliefs behind me. That I need to step away from the pain that I allow it all to cause me.

So it is okay in this situation to not feel any obligation at all to include him in my decision making? No guilt. No shame. I don't want to take it on.

I am sorry for your loss. I hope you are doing well.
 
Kdt.

KDT. There are so many other actions of his that left me confused, feeling manipulated, and actions of hers that left me feeling competed against and with hurtful intentions.. not to mention his willingness to go-along ignore or support those actions of hers.. I am constantly picking apart their actions questioning - blatant stupidity in disregard for feelings OR purposeful competitive and aggressive behavior with mal-intent? It truly doesn't matter either way - particularly knowing that I BEGGED for sensitivity and gentleness and made him aware when I was hurt - even when it seemed petty AF. It is driving me up the wall though to try to determine are they clueless or are they dismissive and aggressive. I am not one to at this point with things being over, or as things were falling apart, directly point at those actions and question and explain the hurtful ways they are both acting. It's over now. Those examples: social media postings of my former metamour being elated as I'm broken hearted flying home like I described but also more recently, pictures of building her a bike with the parts that he bought for my bike and doing so the day/hours after my things were removed from his home.. then the next morning 'good morning I miss you how are you' messages from him.. It leaves me dizzy and in a haze filled with confusion, heartache, and anger. 'hmm how far can I push her and where does she stand right this moment as far as friendly and perhaps loving communication?'… It leaves me sick. Regarding my things in his garage - my good great amazing wonderful friends just recently removed what was in his home into a storage unit.. I have anxiety being unsure that my most precious belongs may still be in that home.. or anything that particularly reminds him of my presence. I have solace in knowing that the end of our relationship must be a reality for him now that I am no longer present in that way in the home.
 
GalaGirl.

GalaGirl. I appreciate you understanding of BPD as having an "amplifying" effect but not a factor in being unreasonable. Thank you. I am grieving the relationship - I am leaving anger and moving to bargaining fantasies and thoughts of reaching out to him for help for understanding for communicating to him what went wrong, again - Justify Argue Defend Explain. But there is no getting through. You speak of being better of with this source of pain in my life - and my overall feeling is no I do not want to be friends now or in the future even after a long break. I feel so mislead by this person - when I lean towards this all being purposeful intentional manipulation - even in the slightest - rather than a disharmony in our characters and inability to work together/communicate, I tell myself stay away from this person. Run. Never again. I feel strongly that I know, through some of his words and his general socially saturated disposition, that he interprets my need to end the friendship all together is an unfair and immature move on my part. As if I am not able to care and love as deeply as he does. Relationships change is what he would explain.
I have learned to not only share but to look for the openness in conversation and discussion of values and wishes to be mirrored by the other person - not in having the same values but in sharing to a similar detail specificity and openness. I really appreciate your encouragement to get out before the BS - learn to interpret red flags and take actions sooner. I did get to a point where I realized I was being submissive and he was passively returning his thoughts and passively providing me with what I was looking for. End it sooner while you can still end it calmly. Thank you.
 
Visanity.

Visanity. The anger that he directed at me when I called him asking to delete my explicit pictures after a day of no response to that request was surprising - he's never angry. He absolutely wanted to and I'm sure does place blame for the end of the relationship primarily on myself for reacting how I did, not calmly and not including him in my decision making, not stepping back from what was going on and giving the entire situation time and space. He didn't realize that he was shaming me and how obvious it was, he chose to give me an impression of my actions as being immature and not from a place of retrospection. He often said that I should make such a decision when I am so far away and that he knows that if I were there with him we would be able to effectively communicate and work through this - that I just needed to be with him face to face. Reminding me of my comments to him regarding how our relationship began to feel as if it were on a break - like he was on a vacation from me. He discounted those feelings entirely.

I do realize that I need to put their beliefs behind me. That I need to step away from the pain that I allow it all to cause me.

So it is okay in this situation to not feel any obligation at all to include him in my decision making? No guilt. No shame. I don't want to take it on.

I am sorry for your loss. I hope you are doing well.
 
I believe that at times my expectations were absolute and unwavering but not beyond reason considering the screwed up circumstances to begin with but also considering that they are MY feelings and views, they were not poorly communicated BUT I WILL SAY THEY WERE provided without demand to meet them, without pushing for more of a discussion on his views no - rather I was happy with what felt like a loving agreement on his part.. agreement to my wishes... but that is how I understand it now after the fact.. that they were my wishes not his.

I could be wrong in my impression. Yet that all sounds like initially he agreed to whatever you said to "hook you." Not because he really shared those values. That might be something to look out for as a red flag when you feel well enough to start dating again. Be leery of "love bombing" stuff or "instantly compatible" or something.

I feel strongly that I know, through some of his words and his general socially saturated disposition, that he interprets my need to end the friendship all together is an unfair and immature move on my part. As if I am not able to care and love as deeply as he does.

If he is bothering you? You could AGREE. Like... "I am too unfair and immature for you. Let's stay broken up!"

Not that you really ARE being unfair or immature. But if he needs to see it that way so he GOES AWAY and stops bothering you? Great! Believe whatever he wants. Shoo!

You know your own truth.

I really appreciate your encouragement to get out before the BS - learn to interpret red flags and take actions sooner.

Yes. Because someone who really respects you and loves you and wants to be with you? Isn't going to turn a blind eye/deaf ear when you raise concerns. And you don't have to raise them by getting louder/angrier just to be heard. You also don't need to JADE like they'd only understand if you could put the message in their brain perfectly right. They'd be making the communication effort to meet you half way. Communication efforts would not be all on you.

If they just don't care to put in effort? They just don't care to develop healthy relating with you? They just don't care to do so.

I think you are better off without him in your life. I hope you resist the "bargaining stage" temptations to reach out to him and recognize it as a stage in the grief process. Not anything you actually have to do anything about. In time, that stage will pass.

The social media posting I described of my former metamour being elated as I'm broken hearted flying home with news of unprotected sex lies - and other social media aggressions - pictures of building her a bike with the parts that he bought for my bike and doing so the day - hours after - I removed my belongings from our home - I was told that I have no place to dictate their relationship and that I shouldn't be so hurt by those actions. "Social media should not affect you in such a way if you are in an open relationship particularly." It hurt to hear that when I was really seeking someone who would provide support and clarity and actually an examination of the manipulation that was going on.

I think sometimes we don't need to look too deep.

  • Why does blind guy not see? Cuz blind.
  • Why does deaf guy not hear? Cuz deaf.
  • Why does manipulative BF person play head games with people? Cuz manipulative.

Don't make yourself crazy putting all your focus on him and his doings. "Why he did this" or "why he did that" in great detail.
  • He did it because he chose to treat you this way.
  • You don't want to be treated this way so you walked away.

Keep it simpler on you. Don't sweat her stuff too much either. I can see why you would be hurt seeing social media stuff from her that you find annoying. You can unfriend/block her so you don't have to be seeing that stuff. For all you know he's manipulating her as well and she just hasn't woken up to it like you have. Contributing to her well being isn't your job at this point.

YOUR well being is your job. Invest your time and energy in YOUR healing instead of spending it on these other people. You are the more worthwhile investment right now.

If in future you feel the need to learn more about healthy dating or recognizing abuse/manipulations in dating, there are resources online for that. Here is just one: https://speakoutloud.net/articles

my overall feeling is no I do not want to be friends now or in the future even after a long break. I feel so mislead by this person - when I lean towards this all being purposeful intentional manipulation - even in the slightest - rather than a disharmony in our characters and inability to work together/communicate, I tell myself stay away from this person. Run. Never again.

Good for you.

I'm glad to hear you are feeling stronger and are resolved to keep away.

You deserve to be treated well.

If they aren't going to treat you well? YOU can treat you well and look out for your well being by keeping away from people who drain you/treat you poorly.

Galagirl
 
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Hi jade,

It sounds like your (ex-)metamour threw some messed-up jabs at you on Facebook and other media. And your (ex-)partner went along with it. Is his (other) partner the same person as that (ex-)roommate who went nuts on you? I was just wondering.

I can't tell whether your ex messed with your mind on purpose. I admit it sounds like he did. Or maybe his partner was purposely mean to you and he was clueless. I'm not sure. Regardless, I don't think he's a good partner for you. And as you said, not even a good friend.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Visanity. The anger that he directed at me when I called him asking to delete my explicit pictures after a day of no response to that request was surprising - he's never angry. He absolutely wanted to and I'm sure does place blame for the end of the relationship primarily on myself for reacting how I did, not calmly and not including him in my decision making, not stepping back from what was going on and giving the entire situation time and space. He didn't realize that he was shaming me and how obvious it was, he chose to give me an impression of my actions as being immature and not from a place of retrospection. He often said that I should make such a decision when I am so far away and that he knows that if I were there with him we would be able to effectively communicate and work through this - that I just needed to be with him face to face. Reminding me of my comments to him regarding how our relationship began to feel as if it were on a break - like he was on a vacation from me. He discounted those feelings entirely.

I do realize that I need to put their beliefs behind me. That I need to step away from the pain that I allow it all to cause me.

So it is okay in this situation to not feel any obligation at all to include him in my decision making? No guilt. No shame. I don't want to take it on.

I am sorry for your loss. I hope you are doing well.

I imagine he finds it much easier to manipulate you face to face. The anger you see is his frustration at not being able to control you.

The thing is, you did include him. he chose to discount your feelings.

I think you should cut him off completely. He will do nothing but continue to manipulate and gaslight you.
 
I agree with Vinsanity0.

He often said that I should make such a decision when I am so far away and that he knows that if I were there with him we would be able to effectively communicate and work through this - that I just needed to be with him face to face.

You ARE effectively communicating. What part of "I'm breaking up with you. I don't want to do this any more" is not clear, effective communication? :confused:

There is nothing left to "work" on. Because it is done.

Sounds like he's mad you left because it was easier for him to mess with your head and make you doubt yourself when you are face to face. When you are away, it is easier for you to see through the BS. He doesn't like that. I think the attempt to "shame you" into face to face time is just another tactic to try to get you to fold/come back/control you. More head games.

Keep away. Disconnect/block whatever needs disconnecting/blocking.

So it is okay in this situation to not feel any obligation at all to include him in my decision making? No guilt. No shame. I don't want to take it on.

You are gone. It is totally ok in this situation not to feel any obligation toward him at all. You do not have to take anything on you do not want.
He is no longer a part of your life. He is not your partner. His preferences no longer have to be considered when you make your decisions.

You just go ahead and make them without taking his preferences into account. Because he doesn't count in your life any more. It's over.

Galagirl
 
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