How have you met your current / past partners?

GrowingTogether

New member
I'm very curious about this in general, but I'm specifically curious about those of you who have met secondary partners while you yourself were already in a primary relationship with another partner. And to be even MORE specific, I'm very interested in hearing experiences from people who have met partners in ways other than online.

The reason I'm so interested in your experiences of meeting people in person and while you're already attached is pretty simple: it seems like it would be REALLY hard. In fact, it practically seems like the sun, moon and stars all need to align. You need to find someone attractive enough to strike up a conversation, they need to have some mutual attraction to you, then you need to somehow get past the fact that you're attached and they need to be okay continuing to get to know you, and then you somehow have to drop the fact that you're poly / non-monogamous and still not send them running for the hills.

So yes. Curious about how you've met people.

Thanks.
 
Met hubby in high school. Met boy at a poly Meetup. Met other dates on okc or at meetups. Occasionally have met someone on tinder or through friends

I've never really met anyone in a venue that isn't geared towards it
 
I met CPF through an ex boyfriend over 10 years ago and had always sort of followed up with each other throughout the years on occasion - you know, the typical check ins with AIM, MySpace, Facebook, etc.

Then, he kept inviting us to parties they threw and I finally said we would go. PF and I went, we fell into a seemingly blossoming friendship and then the sexual stuff happened while drinking.

After discussing what happened, we decided to give polyamory a try. Did PF and I ever think this would be "a thing"? Never, but I wouldn't trade it for ten million dollars.
 
I met H in highschool, and ex husband online (before I was out at bi or even knew what poly was), and I was "with" both for a time. I don't think the sun stars and moon have to align, I think there has to be a willingness to have open conversatiosn with people.

When I was in highschool, I was also best friends with a neighbour of mine who was dating a man who was dating a man, and they all hung out together. At the time I was too young emotionally and mentally to understand that she was feeling me out to have the conversation of wanting to add me to her "group". But that *could* have happened organically.

I have also met people at bdsm (That were not poly related) dungeons, meetups (poly) and just out in the real world. You'll be surprised at what a lot of "normal" people are up to behind closed doors and how open many are.

I also met a man at a dance hall once that was teaching Modern jive, I did not "send him running" because I was poly, we never made it off the gorund for other reasons but you can meet anyone anywhere if you know how to actively listen to people, and use appropriate timing to bring up a subject...
 
When I met my wife she was in an open relationship and I was single. We had a lot of mutual friends so conversation was easy. She let me know her situation up front before we became romantic and I was fine with it.

I met Sprite on OKC. We were both poly so that wasn't an issue.

I was introduced to Elle by a friend. She was not interested in being with a married man, but we hung out as friends. Eventually she changed her mind.

There isn't some sort of mysterious alignment. Even mono people have to be on the same page for a relationship to start...and work out. The goal shouldn't be to just get into a relationship with the first person who comes along. I've met women who were not at all okay with poly. I've met women who were okay with it, but I decided we wouldn't be compatible. That's just the way dating goes.
 
I have met many second partners in real life.

I met Murf at a car cruise in. I went to with friends without Butch.

I think the biggest key is getting out and enjoying yourself on your own. Join a class, pick up a hobby, go out and see the world without your SO every once in a while.
 
Hi GrowingTogether,

I met LV in 1985 via the LDS church. That evolved into a friendship, then into a romance, then into a monogamous marriage. Then in 1995, LV and I met Snowbunny and Brother-Husband, via the Lutheran church where I was an organist and choir accompanist. That evolved into a friendship, and then we fell out of touch for awhile. In 2004 our paths crossed again, and Snowbunny and I found ourselves working together. That evolved into something romantic, and the four of us basically learned about polyamory at the same time.

So I didn't have to make anything happen, things just kind of grew where the seeds fell. But these were not rapid processes, they took years to evolve.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
XBF--who is in an open marriage and calls himself poly--typically met women online and through kink and poly groups (fetlife, FL meetups, swinger events, Ashley Madison, hookup sites), by hanging out at bars and open mics while his wife was out having sex with other men, or at online venues where he was active.

He and I met through an arts group. We were good friends for several years while I was married and after my divorce he 'came out' to me.

I would strongly caution against dating people in your work or current social life.
 
I met all my partners through hobbies.
With my two past (monogamous, convetional relationship) exes we were hanging out as friends for a few months before they made a move on me.

I met Idealist at a meeting of fantasy fans. Meta introduced us. I was partnered then, but he didn't know, so after a few meetings in that common group of friends he just asked if I was up for some kinky stuff.

Since then, I only had one potential which I considered to date/have a fwb, and that one I met at a tantra course. Idealist was there too, so both knew from the start - but I didn't continue there.

In general it takes time for me to consider someone, it seems, so real life may be the only way, but I agree it's unlikely to meet someone who fits. It helps a lot to be around open people - kink/poly/tantra meetups, or those damn sci-fi conventions, or any hobby which is a little out of the norm.
I could probably rather easily find at least a play partner in the local community, a lot of people seem to be doing just fine with that, but somehow I'm not motivated enough to do so.
 
It seems like a key hurdle to overcome is the context. I could be wrong about this, but it seems like poly is so foreign to most people that, when you meet them outside of a poly context, they're a lot more likely to be taken aback by a proposition that boils down to "hi, I'm married but I find you attractive and my marriage is open, should we get to know each other?".

But if you have the context established - because you're online or because you're at a poly meetup of some sort - that hurdle is overcome at the outset.

I suppose the context hurdle assumes that a proposition is made at all, though. I guess you don't always have to start every conversation / new potential relationship by putting all your cards on the table. Something seems a bit off, though, about allowing a relationship to bud - and potentially have someone fall for you - before you give them all the details.

Anyway, that was rather disjointed. More my musings on the responses than anything else.
 
It seems like a key hurdle to overcome is the context. I could be wrong about this, but it seems like poly is so foreign to most people that, when you meet them outside of a poly context, they're a lot more likely to be taken aback by a proposition that boils down to "hi, I'm married but I find you attractive and my marriage is open, should we get to know each other?".

But if you have the context established - because you're online or because you're at a poly meetup of some sort - that hurdle is overcome at the outset.

I suppose the context hurdle assumes that a proposition is made at all, though. I guess you don't always have to start every conversation / new potential relationship by putting all your cards on the table. Something seems a bit off, though, about allowing a relationship to bud - and potentially have someone fall for you - before you give them all the details.

Anyway, that was rather disjointed. More my musings on the responses than anything else.

Sounds like you understand completely :D

There have been debates here about when poly should be disclosed. I fall in between first date and allowing the relationship to bud.
 
Sounds like you understand completely :D

There have been debates here about when poly should be disclosed. I fall in between first date and allowing the relationship to bud.

It's much like when to tell about kids, mental / physical illness or any other such thing.....
 
I met Nina while we were both at university studying for post-grads of one sort or another. At the time, I already in an open relationship with someone else. Nina and I weren't close at first - it was a few years of just knowing each other intermittently, but we went away on a conference together and suddenly things just clicked. I realised I really liked her, but our timing sucked. She was in a monogamous relationship by this point, and my partner was not really being supportive of me wanting to date others (even though she had a live in boyfriend at home - go figure). So, we had some difficult decisions to make. We both ended up leaving our other relationships, and starting afresh. We were mono for about three years before deciding to open up. That was almost seven years ago. Technically we've known each other for nine.

The other people I have dated since then have mostly been connections from okcupid, with the exception of one person who I met through Nina.
 
Met Analyst through OKC, then we entered the BDSM community together a bit, but I was more into that than he was, then met Hefe at a kink scene discussion group but didn't really feel compelled to pursue anything at that time, then Analyst met Fire on OKC and talked them both (Fire, Hefe, a married couple) into our relationship to form a quad, then Zen messaged me on fetlife and we got together in person at a kink scene bar social event, and later wound up progressing to scenes at the club, and then to a relationship.

At this point, if I were trying to form new connections, it would be through my local kink scene which also has many poly people in it.
 
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