Shaya
New member
Summary of my gripe:
When I first heard of polyamory, I was like "hell yeah. Of course you can love more than one person at a time. Makes total sense." The media articles from magazines and news feeds sensationalize polyamory but fail to go into any real depth. I feel many media articles take advantage of the naivety of the monogamous mindframe, find the flaws in monogamy and hammer those flaws home, making the newbie feel that they are polyamorous just because they feel like they could love more than one person at a time. I feel it's a recipe for disaster. The experienced polyamorists on this forum have patiently shown me more depth to polyamory than i initially thought possible. I now believe polyamory is about much more than just being able to love more than one and that marketing it in the media as being able to love more than one is simplistic and harmful to monogamists who are wanting to change to polyamory. I will argue this point more fully below.
Argument fleshed out:
Most people in this world, I believe, are capable at some point in their lives of loving more than 1 person at a time. We were brought up as infants to (usually) love a mother and a father. We play socially with many people and eventually learn that you could have 2 best friends though circumstance may have limited you to just one. We have been primed through childhood, I believe, to be ripe for multiple attractions.
Genetically, I believe, we are ripe for multiple attractions.
Psychologically, I believe, we are ripe for multiple attractions. I state without evidence that most people will, at one time or another in their lives, feel an attraction for someone else despite already being in a committed relationship. Most of the time, these feelings will be quashed or dealt with under the umbrella of monogamous rules. Relatively often, the dual emotions of love and lust (or old love and new love as the case may be) will cause a separation in order for one to reconcile the cognitive dissonance that exists in monogamy when feelings of attraction are felt for two people. During this period, I would argue that you are experiencing multiple attractions despite any protestations that you are monogamous. I summarise this paragraph by restating without evidence that I believe most people will, at some time in their lives, feel an attraction for someone else despite being in a committed relationship.
My last 3 paragraphs show that being able to feel attraction for, or to love multiple people simultaneously, is not enough to then claim you are poly, as it would include most people in this world including those who have never even heard the word 'polyamory', never read any of the theory or philosophy and would also include all the awful narcissists and fetish breeders who have a genuine desire to have multiple relationships but who generally behave in a manner that most of us would puke at due to the lack of consent or lack of consideration of other parties. Polyamory therefore, must be more than just the ability to feel attraction for multiple people and i feel should include an understanding along with an ability to practice the associated philosophy or ethics that we see in the advice we give on the forum every day.
Phrased slightly differently, I don't believe anyone is born polyamorous. I believe you can be born non monogamous (and by my logic above, I have stated I believe that most of the human race naturally falls into this category at least once in their lives). As far as being born one way or another, I believe claiming to be born non monogamous is as far as you can go. You then make a conscious choice to practice non monogamy (which may actually include all the non consensual practices like infidelity). You may refine your choice to limit your non monogamy to the consensual variety which includes polyamory and its arguably close cousins of swinging, group BDSM/kink play, or friends with benefits but differs significantly due to polyamory's theoretical lack of an upper bound for the level of emotional investment you are permitted to attain. Being polyamorous requires more than just an ability to love plurally, it involves an ability to love plurally without discarding old relationships. I believe doing this successfully almost always involves an understanding of other issues including self love, couple privilege, consent and so on. It probably also includes the ability of empathy, communication skills, time management, hinging skills and jealousy management. Without knowledge and ability to handle multiple relationships, newcomers to this forum seem to fail to practice polyamory successfully, resulting in serial monogamy despite their strong protestations that they "are poly." Without the knowledge of the ethics and philosophy that the polyamory movement has self taught itself and without the ability to put this knowledge into practice, it seems to me that many newcomers attempting polyamory end up with serial monogamy instead.
In summary, in my short time on these forums, there seem to be many newcomers who come here, excited to have learnt there is a way to express what they feel in their hearts and that new expression is 'polyamory.' Much of their initial reading comes from all the trashy articles in magazines and news feeds that have what I feel to be the toxic message of "you may be polyamorous if you can love more than one," "love conquers all," "your partner should own their jealousy so that you can enjoy multiple relationships." Polyamory is not just about being able to love more than one - most people do love more than one at some time in their lives and polyamory should include the knowledge of and ability to practice the ethics and philosphy that accompany it. Your love for your two partners will certainly not be the only or even the most important ingredient in successful polyamory. Your partner needs to own their jealousy so that you can enjoy your plural relationships in the same way that you need to manage your NRE (new relationship energy) so that your partner can still feel loved in your old relationship. Polyamory articles in the media are written to be sensational, are mostly targeted at a young audience, are targeted almost exclusively to existing couples and neglect to teach the reality of polyamory, which i feel more often results in serial monogamy than healthy polyamory.
I feel the underlying tone in the media is that polyamory is a bucket full of cake ready to be eaten. It isn't that easy. One relationship is tough enough. Plural relationships are that much harder.
When I first heard of polyamory, I was like "hell yeah. Of course you can love more than one person at a time. Makes total sense." The media articles from magazines and news feeds sensationalize polyamory but fail to go into any real depth. I feel many media articles take advantage of the naivety of the monogamous mindframe, find the flaws in monogamy and hammer those flaws home, making the newbie feel that they are polyamorous just because they feel like they could love more than one person at a time. I feel it's a recipe for disaster. The experienced polyamorists on this forum have patiently shown me more depth to polyamory than i initially thought possible. I now believe polyamory is about much more than just being able to love more than one and that marketing it in the media as being able to love more than one is simplistic and harmful to monogamists who are wanting to change to polyamory. I will argue this point more fully below.
Argument fleshed out:
Most people in this world, I believe, are capable at some point in their lives of loving more than 1 person at a time. We were brought up as infants to (usually) love a mother and a father. We play socially with many people and eventually learn that you could have 2 best friends though circumstance may have limited you to just one. We have been primed through childhood, I believe, to be ripe for multiple attractions.
Genetically, I believe, we are ripe for multiple attractions.
Psychologically, I believe, we are ripe for multiple attractions. I state without evidence that most people will, at one time or another in their lives, feel an attraction for someone else despite already being in a committed relationship. Most of the time, these feelings will be quashed or dealt with under the umbrella of monogamous rules. Relatively often, the dual emotions of love and lust (or old love and new love as the case may be) will cause a separation in order for one to reconcile the cognitive dissonance that exists in monogamy when feelings of attraction are felt for two people. During this period, I would argue that you are experiencing multiple attractions despite any protestations that you are monogamous. I summarise this paragraph by restating without evidence that I believe most people will, at some time in their lives, feel an attraction for someone else despite being in a committed relationship.
My last 3 paragraphs show that being able to feel attraction for, or to love multiple people simultaneously, is not enough to then claim you are poly, as it would include most people in this world including those who have never even heard the word 'polyamory', never read any of the theory or philosophy and would also include all the awful narcissists and fetish breeders who have a genuine desire to have multiple relationships but who generally behave in a manner that most of us would puke at due to the lack of consent or lack of consideration of other parties. Polyamory therefore, must be more than just the ability to feel attraction for multiple people and i feel should include an understanding along with an ability to practice the associated philosophy or ethics that we see in the advice we give on the forum every day.
Phrased slightly differently, I don't believe anyone is born polyamorous. I believe you can be born non monogamous (and by my logic above, I have stated I believe that most of the human race naturally falls into this category at least once in their lives). As far as being born one way or another, I believe claiming to be born non monogamous is as far as you can go. You then make a conscious choice to practice non monogamy (which may actually include all the non consensual practices like infidelity). You may refine your choice to limit your non monogamy to the consensual variety which includes polyamory and its arguably close cousins of swinging, group BDSM/kink play, or friends with benefits but differs significantly due to polyamory's theoretical lack of an upper bound for the level of emotional investment you are permitted to attain. Being polyamorous requires more than just an ability to love plurally, it involves an ability to love plurally without discarding old relationships. I believe doing this successfully almost always involves an understanding of other issues including self love, couple privilege, consent and so on. It probably also includes the ability of empathy, communication skills, time management, hinging skills and jealousy management. Without knowledge and ability to handle multiple relationships, newcomers to this forum seem to fail to practice polyamory successfully, resulting in serial monogamy despite their strong protestations that they "are poly." Without the knowledge of the ethics and philosophy that the polyamory movement has self taught itself and without the ability to put this knowledge into practice, it seems to me that many newcomers attempting polyamory end up with serial monogamy instead.
In summary, in my short time on these forums, there seem to be many newcomers who come here, excited to have learnt there is a way to express what they feel in their hearts and that new expression is 'polyamory.' Much of their initial reading comes from all the trashy articles in magazines and news feeds that have what I feel to be the toxic message of "you may be polyamorous if you can love more than one," "love conquers all," "your partner should own their jealousy so that you can enjoy multiple relationships." Polyamory is not just about being able to love more than one - most people do love more than one at some time in their lives and polyamory should include the knowledge of and ability to practice the ethics and philosphy that accompany it. Your love for your two partners will certainly not be the only or even the most important ingredient in successful polyamory. Your partner needs to own their jealousy so that you can enjoy your plural relationships in the same way that you need to manage your NRE (new relationship energy) so that your partner can still feel loved in your old relationship. Polyamory articles in the media are written to be sensational, are mostly targeted at a young audience, are targeted almost exclusively to existing couples and neglect to teach the reality of polyamory, which i feel more often results in serial monogamy than healthy polyamory.
I feel the underlying tone in the media is that polyamory is a bucket full of cake ready to be eaten. It isn't that easy. One relationship is tough enough. Plural relationships are that much harder.