How often do you talk to your partner about insecurity?

Me.... With a big gulp cold cold pop... And Cheetos!

I don't like Popcorn much... Once per year maybe..
This is entertaining!

Keep it civil and on ..point! ;)
 
YOU find it disrespectful.

I do not.

I don't mind if I tell someone something and they gossip about it. I don't mind if people talk about me behind my back. I don't take offense or care.

But again, this is why I let people know, UP FRONT, when they are getting involved with me, that this is how I am, now. I didn't always grasp the importance of that, but these days, I do. I have shared the human stories of many people whom I completely respect. I was not experiencing any diminishment of my feelings of respect for them in doing so. If they are sensitive to this sort of thing and would perceive it that way, then we clearly needed to have that conversation, so that I can act differently where they are concerned. I have repeatedly told Zen, given the way I blog about our relationship, that if he needs me to keep anything particularly private, or not share it, to PLEASE let me know.

The only disagreement I have with your perspective on this, is that it is a matter of objective right and wrong, a behavior that is so improper that everyone should know and it should be assumed... And frankly, plenty of times have I shared a secret with someone, only to regret it when it got around to unexpected ears and hence back to me. But I don't go get angry at the person I told, so that they could go get angry at whoever they told, so that they could go...and you see where this is going? I bear that myself and realize, well, I didn't have to tell them, now did I? I can only be responsible for my own choice to share my stuff. If I don't want it "out" then I must keep it "in"...or else ask if someone is consenting to share the burden of privacy with me.

Zen has not given express consent for me to discuss many things here on this very site that pertain to him. But I have given him every opportunity to do the opposite, and tell me to stop, and he has known about the blog all along, and he hasn't. Which honestly, sometimes surprises me, since he's a relatively private person himself, and some of it is very personal, and we know other people, mutual friends, who read my blog and he knows that.
 
On point. Yes.

To the point. You know it's funny... I often don't feel any need to talk directly to my partner about my insecurities, also simply because when we are physically together I don't feel them. I am generally happy in our togetherness and feel secure when we are present with one another.

It's when we are apart that I feel them. So it is then that I talk about them. In my bloggy ol' walls of text.

What is cool about that is that I can see the days I felt unpleasant things, and sometimes note if there is a pattern such as "drop" or hormone disruption during certain times of the month, stuff like that. Helpful data points.
 
YOU find it disrespectful.

I do not.

I don't mind if I tell someone something and they gossip about it. I don't mind if people talk about me behind my back. I don't take offense or care.

But again, this is why I let people know, UP FRONT, when they are getting involved with me, that this is how I am, now. I didn't always grasp the importance of that, but these days, I do. I have shared the human stories of many people whom I completely respect. I was not experiencing any diminishment of my feelings of respect for them in doing so. If they are sensitive to this sort of thing and would perceive it that way, then we clearly needed to have that conversation, so that I can act differently where they are concerned. I have repeatedly told Zen, given the way I blog about our relationship, that if he needs me to keep anything particularly private, or not share it, to PLEASE let me know.

The only disagreement I have with your perspective on this, is that it is a matter of objective right and wrong, a behavior that is so improper that everyone should know and it should be assumed... And frankly, plenty of times have I shared a secret with someone, only to regret it when it got around to unexpected ears and hence back to me. But I don't go get angry at the person I told, so that they could go get angry at whoever they told, so that they could go...and you see where this is going? I bear that myself and realize, well, I didn't have to tell them, now did I? I can only be responsible for my own choice to share my stuff. If I don't want it "out" then I must keep it "in"...or else ask if someone is consenting to share the burden of privacy with me.

Zen has not given express consent for me to discuss many things here on this very site that pertain to him. But I have given him every opportunity to do the opposite, and tell me to stop, and he has known about the blog all along, and he hasn't. Which honestly, sometimes surprises me, since he's a relatively private person himself, and some of it is very personal, and we know other people, mutual friends, who read my blog and he knows that.

And it's certainly your right not to feel it disrespectful when someone gossips about you. But still, we're talking about an arbitrary decision to gossip about someone else without bothering to figure out if they're okay with it. Erring on the side of privacy should be obvious. Of course having the talk will, or at least should, make sure everyone is on the same page, but when you pay attention to the theme from years worth of conversations with someone you claim to love, it shouldn't always be necessary to start every conversation with ... "please don't tell anyone, but...."

This reminds me of a conversation I had with my daughter once about lying. I caught her lying & got upset. It's one of my pet peeves & anyone who knows me knows this. Her excuse was that it wasn't a big deal, and that she doesn't view lying the way I do. It doesn't bother her that much if someone lies on certain occasions. And I essentially told her that just because she doesn't mind being lied to, it doesn't make it okay for her to lie to others... and this is pretty much the same thing. Everyone is welcome to have their preferences on how THEY are treated, but it doesn't excuse them for treating others the same way. Oftentimes, I think people tend to pervert the golden rule to justify it.
 
YOU find it disrespectful.

I do not.

I don't mind if I tell someone something and they gossip about it. I don't mind if people talk about me behind my back. I don't take offense or care.

But again, this is why I let people know, UP FRONT, when they are getting involved with me, that this is how I am, now. I didn't always grasp the importance of that, but these days, I do. I have shared the human stories of many people whom I completely respect. I was not experiencing any diminishment of my feelings of respect for them in doing so. If they are sensitive to this sort of thing and would perceive it that way, then we clearly needed to have that conversation, so that I can act differently where they are concerned. I have repeatedly told Zen, given the way I blog about our relationship, that if he needs me to keep anything particularly private, or not share it, to PLEASE let me know.

The only disagreement I have with your perspective on this, is that it is a matter of objective right and wrong, a behavior that is so improper that everyone should know and it should be assumed... And frankly, plenty of times have I shared a secret with someone, only to regret it when it got around to unexpected ears and hence back to me. But I don't go get angry at the person I told, so that they could go get angry at whoever they told, so that they could go...and you see where this is going? I bear that myself and realize, well, I didn't have to tell them, now did I? I can only be responsible for my own choice to share my stuff. If I don't want it "out" then I must keep it "in"...or else ask if someone is consenting to share the burden of privacy with me.

Zen has not given express consent for me to discuss many things here on this very site that pertain to him. But I have given him every opportunity to do the opposite, and tell me to stop, and he has known about the blog all along, and he hasn't. Which honestly, sometimes surprises me, since he's a relatively private person himself, and some of it is very personal, and we know other people, mutual friends, who read my blog and he knows that.

Almost forgot... I will say that I agree with you in part. If I share something that gets out when it shouldn't have, I too am to blame. Perhaps I shouldn't have trusted her (or whoever) with something so personal.
 
How about in a situation when you have talked to your partner about your insecurities and promised to work on them together, but you have days where that ugly demon rears it's head and you just can't "shake" them? Do you tell your partner EVERY TIME you feel them?

I don't. It would take up to many hours of the day.

For me though, that's not really the issue. The issue is how am I sharing these insecurities and what is my goal? When I have been jealous in the past, I talked with my partner and told her that I was feeling that way. She was very supportive and discussed it with me. What I *didn't* do, is assume that she had any culpability in my insecurity or ask her to take any action on my behalf.

My insecurity is mine. It is 100% my responsibility. Loved ones can hear me out, gently lend advice or talk it out with me, but it never becomes their issue to solve.

Mostly the point of discussing it with them at all is to get it out of my head and take off some of the mystery. Things build up as big and scary inside our own minds and it is more difficult to do this if we have a reasonable, calm conversation about it.

How do you do deal with them on your own outside of professional therapy?

Insecurities that drive us crazy tend to involve a lot of negative self talk, replaying conversations in our head, imagining things that *might* happen, etc.

The solution to that is to do something that gets you out of your head. This is usually, for me, something that is complex or taxing enough to demand all of your attention so your brain isn't idly playing around with possible scenarios.
 
CTF and Spork - it seems that your fundamental conflict is under what circumstances a person can have an "expectation of privacy" in the social, rather than legal, sense. CTF seems to have an "opt out" perspective when it comes to privacy - that privacy should be the default, and that information should only be shared if it has been specifically consented to. Spork seems to have the opposite "opt in" perspective regarding privacy, that it is fine to share any information that hasn't been specifically tagged as "confidential".

Most people probably occupy some middle ground, where certain classes of information are subject to sharing and others are not. For instance, in this forum, we have often discussed whether a spouse reading text messages from their metamour is expected, encouraged, or creepy - and whether the metamour's consent is a factor.

There are certain professions where privacy is, not only assumed, but mandated. (i.e. priest, doctor, lawyer, etc). I am in such a profession. Even though my boys know that some of our friends are my clients - they only know this because the friend mentioned it, they would never learn that info from me. I won't acknowledge a client in public unless they acknowledge me first. MrS totally understands and is never thrown off by this. Dude (who is a "share everything" guy) doesn't when he knows that the friend in question has told me that they don't care. If I am wearing my professional "hat" - then privacy is a given and, honestly, it is easier to just default to privacy rather than judge on a case-by-case basis.

On the other hand, most people I know on a social level would assume that I share everything they say with the boys (I don't, but mainly because I usually don't find it memorable enough to share). They will specifically ask "If I tell you something, can you not share it with the boys/my wife/etc.?" In which case my answer will usually be - "No, I will not keep secrets for you." MrS feels the same way - MrClean wanted him to go to a strip club with him and not let it get back to wife. MrS's response was that he would rather not go to a strip club if it meant that he had to, potentially lie to me (because I won't keep a secret) or to MrClean's wife.

Now, having said all of that, I do think that there is a role for discretion as opposed to "secret-keeping". My personal measuring stick is whether that is a level of information that the person would have shared with the other person on their own. For example - say SLeW is having a rough go because she just broke up with her BF and they had an awkward encounter at her sister's house. If someone asked me why SLeW seemed upset, I would have a different answer if it was one of her close friends vs. if it was her work supervisor. To the friend: "Oh, she just came from sis's house and ex-BF came over unexpectedly and this and that happened...etc." - because I know SLeW well enough that she will be sharing this info herself next time they talk. To the Boss: "She's had a rough day, but nothing serious, she's ok." (i.e. she is able to do her job and this isn't work related.)

Likewise, my boy's know that I share practically everything with SLeW - she is the person I turn to to process and share my frustrations with. Yes, it will often be about them. (Likewise they know I share here.) They like her and understand that she knows that I am venting. That is what friends are for. They can choose to not socialize with her if they are uncomfortable with what she knows about them. But they don't get to dictate what I share with her about our relationships within the context of my own understanding and decisions/behavior.

Humaning is hard sometimes.:rolleyes:
 
CTF and Spork - it seems that your fundamental conflict is under what circumstances a person can have an "expectation of privacy" in the social, rather than legal, sense. CTF seems to have an "opt out" perspective when it comes to privacy - that privacy should be the default, and that information should only be shared if it has been specifically consented to. Spork seems to have the opposite "opt in" perspective regarding privacy, that it is fine to share any information that hasn't been specifically tagged as "confidential".

Most people probably occupy some middle ground, where certain classes of information are subject to sharing and others are not. For instance, in this forum, we have often discussed whether a spouse reading text messages from their metamour is expected, encouraged, or creepy - and whether the metamour's consent is a factor.

There are certain professions where privacy is, not only assumed, but mandated. (i.e. priest, doctor, lawyer, etc). I am in such a profession. Even though my boys know that some of our friends are my clients - they only know this because the friend mentioned it, they would never learn that info from me. I won't acknowledge a client in public unless they acknowledge me first. MrS totally understands and is never thrown off by this. Dude (who is a "share everything" guy) doesn't when he knows that the friend in question has told me that they don't care. If I am wearing my professional "hat" - then privacy is a given and, honestly, it is easier to just default to privacy rather than judge on a case-by-case basis.

On the other hand, most people I know on a social level would assume that I share everything they say with the boys (I don't, but mainly because I usually don't find it memorable enough to share). They will specifically ask "If I tell you something, can you not share it with the boys/my wife/etc.?" In which case my answer will usually be - "No, I will not keep secrets for you." MrS feels the same way - MrClean wanted him to go to a strip club with him and not let it get back to wife. MrS's response was that he would rather not go to a strip club if it meant that he had to, potentially lie to me (because I won't keep a secret) or to MrClean's wife.

Now, having said all of that, I do think that there is a role for discretion as opposed to "secret-keeping". My personal measuring stick is whether that is a level of information that the person would have shared with the other person on their own. For example - say SLeW is having a rough go because she just broke up with her BF and they had an awkward encounter at her sister's house. If someone asked me why SLeW seemed upset, I would have a different answer if it was one of her close friends vs. if it was her work supervisor. To the friend: "Oh, she just came from sis's house and ex-BF came over unexpectedly and this and that happened...etc." - because I know SLeW well enough that she will be sharing this info herself next time they talk. To the Boss: "She's had a rough day, but nothing serious, she's ok." (i.e. she is able to do her job and this isn't work related.)

Likewise, my boy's know that I share practically everything with SLeW - she is the person I turn to to process and share my frustrations with. Yes, it will often be about them. (Likewise they know I share here.) They like her and understand that she knows that I am venting. That is what friends are for. They can choose to not socialize with her if they are uncomfortable with what she knows about them. But they don't get to dictate what I share with her about our relationships within the context of my own understanding and decisions/behavior.

Humaning is hard sometimes.:rolleyes:

Please understand that I recognize that there are instances where sharing is not inappropriate. If I'm feeling down because I miss ny dad, I won't get upset if my wife tells someone about it. However, if a friend confides to me that he's been suffering erectile dysfunction (hypothetically speaking), then I'd be out of bounds telling anyone without his permission. Even if he never told me not to say anything.

Now, this doesn't mean that I advocate lying for someone, especially if it's helping them in being dishonest with his/her partner. But as a general rule of thumb, I wholeheartedly believe that gossiping personal things to someone else completely unrelated to someone is blatantly disrespectful. We don't get to decide what's considered fair game to other people.
 
I guess ultimately I think we need to feel safe with our partners and our closest people. Whatever that takes, whatever that means, it can vary from one human being to the next. That's what communication is for. If I'm trying to keep a relationship healthy, I'll try to understand "This is where I'm at, by default, this is where this other person is, by default, how do we behave to respect the other person's needs?"

My partner may need to respect my needs to share and process, and we might need to discuss how I go about that, who I talk to, who they'd prefer I did not talk to. Optimally they will BE my primary "share & process" person if they are a significant other, but that is less complicated in a dyad, than it can get in a poly situation. Another thing that Zen knew about me early on was that I generally tell my mother everything. Absolutely everything. Including details about my sex life, and my partners, and EVERYTHING. He heard this and accepted this.

But I'm giving people the chance to consent to this stuff, and I'm willing to make an effort to modify this behavior if it is a problem to someone that I care about.

When I was trying to juggle four relationships though, it could become problematic. I would have concerns about one person in the quad, share them with one of the others, and "trying to help facilitate communication" she would go back to the other person and attempt to explain how I felt...triangulation ensued. Why did I not go straight to the individual in question with my concerns about him and our relationship? He had put me on a communications blackout while he dealt with some other life stuff, told me he did not want to be bothered with texts, calls, or have any relationship stuff to manage while he was busy dealing with big stuff in life for a while. Unfortunately, I can't really feel good about the way a relationship is going if we don't even talk for a month or more. Finding out later when all of this triangulation was going on, that he made time for long late night phone conversations with our other partner, when he'd shut me out, did not feel great either. So communications issues like that can make a mess in a polycule pretty quick, I think.
 
I guess ultimately I think we need to feel safe with our partners and our closest people. Whatever that takes, whatever that means, it can vary from one human being to the next. That's what communication is for. If I'm trying to keep a relationship healthy, I'll try to understand "This is where I'm at, by default, this is where this other person is, by default, how do we behave to respect the other person's needs?"

My partner may need to respect my needs to share and process, and we might need to discuss how I go about that, who I talk to, who they'd prefer I did not talk to. Optimally they will BE my primary "share & process" person if they are a significant other, but that is less complicated in a dyad, than it can get in a poly situation. Another thing that Zen knew about me early on was that I generally tell my mother everything. Absolutely everything. Including details about my sex life, and my partners, and EVERYTHING. He heard this and accepted this.

But I'm giving people the chance to consent to this stuff, and I'm willing to make an effort to modify this behavior if it is a problem to someone that I care about.

When I was trying to juggle four relationships though, it could become problematic. I would have concerns about one person in the quad, share them with one of the others, and "trying to help facilitate communication" she would go back to the other person and attempt to explain how I felt...triangulation ensued. Why did I not go straight to the individual in question with my concerns about him and our relationship? He had put me on a communications blackout while he dealt with some other life stuff, told me he did not want to be bothered with texts, calls, or have any relationship stuff to manage while he was busy dealing with big stuff in life for a while. Unfortunately, I can't really feel good about the way a relationship is going if we don't even talk for a month or more. Finding out later when all of this triangulation was going on, that he made time for long late night phone conversations with our other partner, when he'd shut me out, did not feel great either. So communications issues like that can make a mess in a polycule pretty quick, I think.

I guess the part that I find most baffling is, why do you feel a "need" to share things about other people?

Out of curiosity... suppose Zen texts you a picture of his junk. Would you show that to other people as well? Or is that fair game too unless he specifies not to?
 
I guess the part that I find most baffling is, why do you feel a "need" to share things about other people?

Out of curiosity... suppose Zen texts you a picture of his junk. Would you show that to other people as well? Or is that fair game too unless he specifies not to?

I share about Zen either because I am bursting with happiness over something I think is awesome, or because maybe I am struggling with something and I'm interested in outside opinions or suggestions on how to handle it. I have also been the one that others have come to with personal problems, and I have been able to offer insightful advice that has helped them.

If he sent me a picture of his junk, whether I shared it to others would depend on a couple of things. Firstly, do I think it would bother him, and secondly, would the other person want to see it. Given that he has very few photos of himself on his fetlife profile, and he's not an exhibitionist, I would guess he'd prefer I did not share that photo with others. Secondly, I know very few people (practically none really) who actually want to see pictures of the junk of men they aren't already interested in sexually. So I would assume that in general, my girlfriends would not want to see it.

I on the other hand, am an exhibitionist. But I'm also paranoid about my photos being "out in the wild" to some extent and beyond my control, or at least the control of people that I trust very much. I worry about my parental role, my career, my close family seeing them... I have unbent as far as very artistic nudes (which do NOT show my junk, but show everything else) going up on fetlife. But that's as far as I've gone, and I'm not sure I'd want to go further. However, I do trust Zen with more graphic photos and videos than that, if he wants to do them. And if he wanted to show them to people we know, I would be ok with this (for instance, showing them his phone, in person.) If he wanted to give or send COPIES to others, we would have a problem. But he knows this because we have talked about it.

I mostly share because I'm looking for interesting things to talk about with other people. And because I am an extrovert, talking about people with people and to and among people is more natural to me. The hundreds of humans I know provide endless topics for conversation. I am not happy to just sit silently with nothing to contribute when I'm trying to be social. (EDIT: A further thought that occurred to me- If I only ever talked about myself, I'd either come off as boring, or unspeakably egotistical.)

Some of the introverts I know do find it annoying, they struggle to keep track of the names of the cast of characters in my life, for instance.

You ask me why I need to share. Why do you need privacy? Why does anybody need anything that they need?
 
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I share about Zen either because I am bursting with happiness over something I think is awesome, or because maybe I am struggling with something and I'm interested in outside opinions or suggestions on how to handle it. I have also been the one that others have come to with personal problems, and I have been able to offer insightful advice that has helped them.

If he sent me a picture of his junk, whether I shared it to others would depend on a couple of things. Firstly, do I think it would bother him, and secondly, would the other person want to see it. Given that he has very few photos of himself on his fetlife profile, and he's not an exhibitionist, I would guess he'd prefer I did not share that photo with others. Secondly, I know very few people (practically none really) who actually want to see pictures of the junk of men they aren't already interested in sexually. So I would assume that in general, my girlfriends would not want to see it.

I on the other hand, am an exhibitionist. But I'm also paranoid about my photos being "out in the wild" to some extent and beyond my control, or at least the control of people that I trust very much. I worry about my parental role, my career, my close family seeing them... I have unbent as far as very artistic nudes (which do NOT show my junk, but show everything else) going up on fetlife. But that's as far as I've gone, and I'm not sure I'd want to go further. However, I do trust Zen with more graphic photos and videos than that, if he wants to do them. And if he wanted to show them to people we know, I would be ok with this (for instance, showing them his phone, in person.) If he wanted to give or send COPIES to others, we would have a problem. But he knows this because we have talked about it.

I mostly share because I'm looking for interesting things to talk about with other people. And because I am an extrovert, talking about people with people and to and among people is more natural to me. The hundreds of humans I know provide endless topics for conversation. I am not happy to just sit silently with nothing to contribute when I'm trying to be social. (EDIT: A further thought that occurred to me- If I only ever talked about myself, I'd either come off as boring, or unspeakably egotistical.)

Some of the introverts I know do find it annoying, they struggle to keep track of the names of the cast of characters in my life, for instance.

You ask me why I need to share. Why do you need privacy? Why does anybody need anything that they need?

Well, for starters... You skipped an extremely important distinction. I asked why you felt the need to share things about OTHER PEOPLE. Huge difference. I'm not at all concerned with why you share about yourself. We all have our reasons, and we all have the right to share, or remain private when it comes to aspects about ourselves. But it's vastly different when we take it upon ourselves to share intimate information about other people. Those people deserve the say in whether or not they're spoken about in their absence. And no, no one should be required to say no before you do. If anything, the gossiper should be the one to ask permission beforehand.

As for the junk photos... substitute that phrase with "private information" and we're talking about the same thing. To some of us, exposing a personal trait is no different than exposing a body part. It doesn't matter if the third party would be interested in seeing/knowing, they don't have the right to know unless given permission by the subject of the topic
 
I asked why you felt the need to share things about OTHER PEOPLE.

I find this exchange a bit interesting - demonstrates varying opinions and values about the nature or privacy.

In our case - mono couple turned poly but right now consisting solely of her having the one bf she asked me to open the marriage for (I have postponed any entanglements for myself) - a negotiated condition was NO ONE was to be told about out poly arrangement with the one exception of our openly poly friend who is one of my wife's oldest confidants (we both agreed that this was ideal situation - so she could have someone to discuss this with - who was already poly, yet could be trusted to keep it confidential). Because even if she were willing to tell someone else - she would (by definition) be outing me at the same time since poly implies the consent of all involved.

And this caused the most serious problem that we have faced in our seven months of poly - at least for me, I still don't believe she really understands why this was such a serious problem for me - as she had so nonchalantly mentioned it to me to begin with. And while many here would argue that she was within her rights (I'm certain), nevertheless I felt completely betrayed that she revealed our poly situation to her therapist (whom I also know - making matters even worse). The problem with this is that while she had every right to discuss her personal issues with her therapist - including her issues with me - she did not have the right to out me to him by revealing that I had consented to a poly relationship - that invaded my *personal* privacy. Now, if it was an affair - she could have discussed it, because I would not be involved - no consent given. But not to out me as a participant in a poly marriage - to anyone (including her therapist) without my consent. I realize that he is legally and ethically bound to keep the confidence - but the point is that (especially since I know him) - I would not have wanted him to have known about our poly situation - or that I would have consented to it. That's just my personal choice - but I am entitled to it, and it was our agreement - but, in my opinion, it would be true anyway (with or without a specific agreement) - one should not be outed to anyone (including therapists) without their consent.

So - a couple of cents worth of rant on my part. Al
 
Well, for starters... You skipped an extremely important distinction. I asked why you felt the need to share things about OTHER PEOPLE. Huge difference. I'm not at all concerned with why you share about yourself. We all have our reasons, and we all have the right to share, or remain private when it comes to aspects about ourselves. But it's vastly different when we take it upon ourselves to share intimate information about other people. Those people deserve the say in whether or not they're spoken about in their absence. And no, no one should be required to say no before you do. If anything, the gossiper should be the one to ask permission beforehand.

As for the junk photos... substitute that phrase with "private information" and we're talking about the same thing. To some of us, exposing a personal trait is no different than exposing a body part. It doesn't matter if the third party would be interested in seeing/knowing, they don't have the right to know unless given permission by the subject of the topic

I think that part of it is, when someone shares with me, often enough their story becomes part of my story. And vice versa.

The reason that I talked about what I share, was to illuminate where my comfort levels with others sharing things are concerned, and to put it more bluntly...let us use your "junk pics" analogy, for a moment, it isn't a bad one. I would not give pictures of my lady parts, which I am not comfortable sharing with the world, to anyone if I did not a.) Trust them to keep that at my personal comfort level of confidence, and b.) Tell them explicitly how I am, and am not, comfortable with them sharing it.

I am 38, and I've watched the internet age explode in our faces. Did you know that a smart phone, even when in passive sleep mode, sitting next to you, is listening to everything you say? It's true. I have deliberately used verbally certain topical key words in conversation that I have not talked about in any electronic format or even a phone call or text, with my phone by me in sleep mode, to test this...and had advertisements show up later for the very keyworded subject. And what makes this even creepier, is that since Google is running the show on my phone, and tracking everything I do on every computer I log into across multiple platforms, it then might display content from a verbal conversation my phone picked up, on my computer screen at home the next day.

I don't have a lot of faith in privacy anymore.

And I also believe that if something is sensitive enough that I do not want other people, or specific other people, to know about it, then I have a duty to personally guard that information, not to expect anyone else to. After all, it matters to me but why should it be sacred to them? Unless I ask, and we are close enough that I have some expectation that they'll respect my wishes, and they agree to keep quiet. I am explaining that what I expect of myself, I also expect of others. It's a whole difference of how we view the social world around us. I'm not saying either of us is right or wrong, even though you seem to feel that way and that's fine...but you and I most certainly wouldn't be very compatible as partners or close confidantes.

That's ok! One of my former poly partners and I really aren't that compatible for that very reason, among others. So, we just are not close in that way anymore.

My Zen said when we were first getting to know one another and had conversations about my gregariousness, that he has come to understand, as he's been told, that "women talk about EVERYTHING." So he simply takes it upon himself to give me many good things to say about him.

You asked my why I feel the need to talk about other people. I did not skip that distinction at all. I explained that when I'm trying to be conversant with others, the material that comprises "talking about other people" expands my available contributions vastly. If I only ever talked about myself, I would run out of things to talk about, AND I would come off as completely self centered.

Further, much of it is in what I say and how I say it. I have many good things to say about others, much of the time. When it comes to something that is not necessarily positive, I at least try to be diplomatic, tactful. I don't talk about others in the spirit of salacious gossip or shit-talking. I don't attempt to damage the reputations of other people. Maybe that's why I don't have too much of a problem with other people often being upset about things I share, about them.
 
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