YOU find it disrespectful.
I do not.
I don't mind if I tell someone something and they gossip about it. I don't mind if people talk about me behind my back. I don't take offense or care.
But again, this is why I let people know, UP FRONT, when they are getting involved with me, that this is how I am, now. I didn't always grasp the importance of that, but these days, I do. I have shared the human stories of many people whom I completely respect. I was not experiencing any diminishment of my feelings of respect for them in doing so. If they are sensitive to this sort of thing and would perceive it that way, then we clearly needed to have that conversation, so that I can act differently where they are concerned. I have repeatedly told Zen, given the way I blog about our relationship, that if he needs me to keep anything particularly private, or not share it, to PLEASE let me know.
The only disagreement I have with your perspective on this, is that it is a matter of objective right and wrong, a behavior that is so improper that everyone should know and it should be assumed... And frankly, plenty of times have I shared a secret with someone, only to regret it when it got around to unexpected ears and hence back to me. But I don't go get angry at the person I told, so that they could go get angry at whoever they told, so that they could go...and you see where this is going? I bear that myself and realize, well, I didn't have to tell them, now did I? I can only be responsible for my own choice to share my stuff. If I don't want it "out" then I must keep it "in"...or else ask if someone is consenting to share the burden of privacy with me.
Zen has not given express consent for me to discuss many things here on this very site that pertain to him. But I have given him every opportunity to do the opposite, and tell me to stop, and he has known about the blog all along, and he hasn't. Which honestly, sometimes surprises me, since he's a relatively private person himself, and some of it is very personal, and we know other people, mutual friends, who read my blog and he knows that.
YOU find it disrespectful.
I do not.
I don't mind if I tell someone something and they gossip about it. I don't mind if people talk about me behind my back. I don't take offense or care.
But again, this is why I let people know, UP FRONT, when they are getting involved with me, that this is how I am, now. I didn't always grasp the importance of that, but these days, I do. I have shared the human stories of many people whom I completely respect. I was not experiencing any diminishment of my feelings of respect for them in doing so. If they are sensitive to this sort of thing and would perceive it that way, then we clearly needed to have that conversation, so that I can act differently where they are concerned. I have repeatedly told Zen, given the way I blog about our relationship, that if he needs me to keep anything particularly private, or not share it, to PLEASE let me know.
The only disagreement I have with your perspective on this, is that it is a matter of objective right and wrong, a behavior that is so improper that everyone should know and it should be assumed... And frankly, plenty of times have I shared a secret with someone, only to regret it when it got around to unexpected ears and hence back to me. But I don't go get angry at the person I told, so that they could go get angry at whoever they told, so that they could go...and you see where this is going? I bear that myself and realize, well, I didn't have to tell them, now did I? I can only be responsible for my own choice to share my stuff. If I don't want it "out" then I must keep it "in"...or else ask if someone is consenting to share the burden of privacy with me.
Zen has not given express consent for me to discuss many things here on this very site that pertain to him. But I have given him every opportunity to do the opposite, and tell me to stop, and he has known about the blog all along, and he hasn't. Which honestly, sometimes surprises me, since he's a relatively private person himself, and some of it is very personal, and we know other people, mutual friends, who read my blog and he knows that.
How about in a situation when you have talked to your partner about your insecurities and promised to work on them together, but you have days where that ugly demon rears it's head and you just can't "shake" them? Do you tell your partner EVERY TIME you feel them?
How do you do deal with them on your own outside of professional therapy?
CTF and Spork - it seems that your fundamental conflict is under what circumstances a person can have an "expectation of privacy" in the social, rather than legal, sense. CTF seems to have an "opt out" perspective when it comes to privacy - that privacy should be the default, and that information should only be shared if it has been specifically consented to. Spork seems to have the opposite "opt in" perspective regarding privacy, that it is fine to share any information that hasn't been specifically tagged as "confidential".
Most people probably occupy some middle ground, where certain classes of information are subject to sharing and others are not. For instance, in this forum, we have often discussed whether a spouse reading text messages from their metamour is expected, encouraged, or creepy - and whether the metamour's consent is a factor.
There are certain professions where privacy is, not only assumed, but mandated. (i.e. priest, doctor, lawyer, etc). I am in such a profession. Even though my boys know that some of our friends are my clients - they only know this because the friend mentioned it, they would never learn that info from me. I won't acknowledge a client in public unless they acknowledge me first. MrS totally understands and is never thrown off by this. Dude (who is a "share everything" guy) doesn't when he knows that the friend in question has told me that they don't care. If I am wearing my professional "hat" - then privacy is a given and, honestly, it is easier to just default to privacy rather than judge on a case-by-case basis.
On the other hand, most people I know on a social level would assume that I share everything they say with the boys (I don't, but mainly because I usually don't find it memorable enough to share). They will specifically ask "If I tell you something, can you not share it with the boys/my wife/etc.?" In which case my answer will usually be - "No, I will not keep secrets for you." MrS feels the same way - MrClean wanted him to go to a strip club with him and not let it get back to wife. MrS's response was that he would rather not go to a strip club if it meant that he had to, potentially lie to me (because I won't keep a secret) or to MrClean's wife.
Now, having said all of that, I do think that there is a role for discretion as opposed to "secret-keeping". My personal measuring stick is whether that is a level of information that the person would have shared with the other person on their own. For example - say SLeW is having a rough go because she just broke up with her BF and they had an awkward encounter at her sister's house. If someone asked me why SLeW seemed upset, I would have a different answer if it was one of her close friends vs. if it was her work supervisor. To the friend: "Oh, she just came from sis's house and ex-BF came over unexpectedly and this and that happened...etc." - because I know SLeW well enough that she will be sharing this info herself next time they talk. To the Boss: "She's had a rough day, but nothing serious, she's ok." (i.e. she is able to do her job and this isn't work related.)
Likewise, my boy's know that I share practically everything with SLeW - she is the person I turn to to process and share my frustrations with. Yes, it will often be about them. (Likewise they know I share here.) They like her and understand that she knows that I am venting. That is what friends are for. They can choose to not socialize with her if they are uncomfortable with what she knows about them. But they don't get to dictate what I share with her about our relationships within the context of my own understanding and decisions/behavior.
Humaning is hard sometimes.
I guess ultimately I think we need to feel safe with our partners and our closest people. Whatever that takes, whatever that means, it can vary from one human being to the next. That's what communication is for. If I'm trying to keep a relationship healthy, I'll try to understand "This is where I'm at, by default, this is where this other person is, by default, how do we behave to respect the other person's needs?"
My partner may need to respect my needs to share and process, and we might need to discuss how I go about that, who I talk to, who they'd prefer I did not talk to. Optimally they will BE my primary "share & process" person if they are a significant other, but that is less complicated in a dyad, than it can get in a poly situation. Another thing that Zen knew about me early on was that I generally tell my mother everything. Absolutely everything. Including details about my sex life, and my partners, and EVERYTHING. He heard this and accepted this.
But I'm giving people the chance to consent to this stuff, and I'm willing to make an effort to modify this behavior if it is a problem to someone that I care about.
When I was trying to juggle four relationships though, it could become problematic. I would have concerns about one person in the quad, share them with one of the others, and "trying to help facilitate communication" she would go back to the other person and attempt to explain how I felt...triangulation ensued. Why did I not go straight to the individual in question with my concerns about him and our relationship? He had put me on a communications blackout while he dealt with some other life stuff, told me he did not want to be bothered with texts, calls, or have any relationship stuff to manage while he was busy dealing with big stuff in life for a while. Unfortunately, I can't really feel good about the way a relationship is going if we don't even talk for a month or more. Finding out later when all of this triangulation was going on, that he made time for long late night phone conversations with our other partner, when he'd shut me out, did not feel great either. So communications issues like that can make a mess in a polycule pretty quick, I think.
I guess the part that I find most baffling is, why do you feel a "need" to share things about other people?
Out of curiosity... suppose Zen texts you a picture of his junk. Would you show that to other people as well? Or is that fair game too unless he specifies not to?
I share about Zen either because I am bursting with happiness over something I think is awesome, or because maybe I am struggling with something and I'm interested in outside opinions or suggestions on how to handle it. I have also been the one that others have come to with personal problems, and I have been able to offer insightful advice that has helped them.
If he sent me a picture of his junk, whether I shared it to others would depend on a couple of things. Firstly, do I think it would bother him, and secondly, would the other person want to see it. Given that he has very few photos of himself on his fetlife profile, and he's not an exhibitionist, I would guess he'd prefer I did not share that photo with others. Secondly, I know very few people (practically none really) who actually want to see pictures of the junk of men they aren't already interested in sexually. So I would assume that in general, my girlfriends would not want to see it.
I on the other hand, am an exhibitionist. But I'm also paranoid about my photos being "out in the wild" to some extent and beyond my control, or at least the control of people that I trust very much. I worry about my parental role, my career, my close family seeing them... I have unbent as far as very artistic nudes (which do NOT show my junk, but show everything else) going up on fetlife. But that's as far as I've gone, and I'm not sure I'd want to go further. However, I do trust Zen with more graphic photos and videos than that, if he wants to do them. And if he wanted to show them to people we know, I would be ok with this (for instance, showing them his phone, in person.) If he wanted to give or send COPIES to others, we would have a problem. But he knows this because we have talked about it.
I mostly share because I'm looking for interesting things to talk about with other people. And because I am an extrovert, talking about people with people and to and among people is more natural to me. The hundreds of humans I know provide endless topics for conversation. I am not happy to just sit silently with nothing to contribute when I'm trying to be social. (EDIT: A further thought that occurred to me- If I only ever talked about myself, I'd either come off as boring, or unspeakably egotistical.)
Some of the introverts I know do find it annoying, they struggle to keep track of the names of the cast of characters in my life, for instance.
You ask me why I need to share. Why do you need privacy? Why does anybody need anything that they need?
I asked why you felt the need to share things about OTHER PEOPLE.
Well, for starters... You skipped an extremely important distinction. I asked why you felt the need to share things about OTHER PEOPLE. Huge difference. I'm not at all concerned with why you share about yourself. We all have our reasons, and we all have the right to share, or remain private when it comes to aspects about ourselves. But it's vastly different when we take it upon ourselves to share intimate information about other people. Those people deserve the say in whether or not they're spoken about in their absence. And no, no one should be required to say no before you do. If anything, the gossiper should be the one to ask permission beforehand.
As for the junk photos... substitute that phrase with "private information" and we're talking about the same thing. To some of us, exposing a personal trait is no different than exposing a body part. It doesn't matter if the third party would be interested in seeing/knowing, they don't have the right to know unless given permission by the subject of the topic