Having children with multiple partners

I am wondering what kinds of issues need to be considered when choosing to have children with multiple partners -- multiple partners with whom you are concurrently involved. Has anyone on here had children with one partner and then decided to have children with an additional partner later? What needs to be considered before making a choice like that? Do all partners parent all children? Or are there clear boundaries between the parental couples when it comes to their children? Does everyone live together? Does the hinge split their time between two homes? How do finances work? What is the relationship between the non-biological parent and their partner's other kids? Are they more like an aunt/uncle? Or more like a stepparent? How do you explain the situation to others?

Anyone been in this situation or know someone who has?

About why I am asking:
I am asking more in theory than anything else. This is not immediately applicable to my situation (thankfully!). I have a husband with whom I have 2 children and a boyfriend who does not have children, but might want some. Last week we had a little pregnancy scare and my boyfriend wasn't phased at all by the idea of fathering a child with me -- which was bizarre to me because all of the above questions were rolling through my brain in waves of panic! In any case, if someday we wanted to do this intentionally, I am wondering how it would work.
 
Hi MsEmotional,

I think a lot of that stuff is just a matter of personal preference, however it is a good idea to figure out how you'll want to handle things ahead of time. Possibly the most important thing to consider is how you'll handle it if you and one of the other parents break up. How to handle custody, visitation, etc.

Having kids is always a challenging proposition, even in monogamy. I'm hoping others will chime in here.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
This is an important issue. It can happen.

I agree with Kevin. It is a matter of personal preference. If all the parties involved are on the same page everything will be smoother. Issues like finance, time, other responsibilities etc. can be dealt easily. But what if they are not on the same page?

My boyfriend, Doc, is a widow. He has a daughter. She looks like a Barbie doll and a very nice girl. I’ve always treated her like my own daughter. One day she called me mother. I did not stop her calling me mother. I was greedy. When Doc found out he only asked whether it was a good idea. I didn’t have any answer then and I still don’t. It did become a problem when Doc’s deceased wife’s family found out. But that little girl was a stubborn child. Though I don’t live with Doc his daughter and I spent a lot of time. Her education had started with me. I’m also her legal guardian. Since I’ve started my own shop I go shopping with that girl. I buy most of her things. I’ve paid few of her school fees. Doc and I don’t have any agreement. This is how we are doing it.

I’m also involved with a married couple, Traveler and Architect. They have a son and a daughter. They know about the relationship between me and their parents. They are in high school. They don’t have time for their parents let along me. But both are friendly. They call me aunt. Traveler, Architect and I had discussed about child casually. They both said it wouldn’t be a good idea if traveler and I have a child. But they won’t run away from responsibilities if it happens.

When I told my ex-husband that I became involved with Biker he didn’t care but he told me not to have a child from another man. He told me in a crude way. I was trying to have a child with my ex-husband but it didn’t happen. He knew I’d given up by then. Still he told me, more like an order, not to have a child with another man. It clearly showed how he viewed it. Among the men I know most, I think, will not be in favor of it.

Now I’m pregnant at 42. :) First time. Nature! Biker is the father. He’s only 24. We have a significant age gap. I told Biker he’s a free man. No responsibility. He told me he wanted to be a real father. His father left when Biker was seven days old. He doesn’t want to be his father. He also doesn’t want to be a holiday/weekend father.

When Biker first proposed me I refused. I didn’t think child should be the sole reason for a marriage. But he was persuasive. Our relationship’s age is six year. In this time I’ve seen him becoming a fine responsible gentleman from a childish young man (boy actually). He made me think again. There were/are other issues in my life. After thinking and rethinking I decided to take a chance. On 8th of this month, under the full moon, we’ll exchange our vows. :)

I’m closet polyamorous. If I were still married to my ex-husband what would happen? Because of this child my marriage would have ended. Even if I and my ex-husband had kept the marriage alive what would have happened? How my ex-husband would have treated the child? How would have Biker interacted with his own child? I had two step-daughters in that marriage. They weren’t nice to me. I can’t believe they would have nice to my child. And yes, finance. How would other people have reacted and treated my child?

The most important part is the welfare of the child. How would this child take it? I think polyamorous people who are in relationships with opposite gender should discuss this issue. They should have a contingency plan. Unexpected does happen. At 42 when I’ve given up and accepted the truth as my fate… I’m forced to redesign my life. But I’m happy and I think I’m blessed.
 
I know a few poly families with kids, but only a few that really blend (most of the ones I know are a family that features an open marriage, and a partner who dates someone outside of the family home.) I know one group that was two couples, both had kids. They had what I consider "poly heaven" which is dwellings that were separate but close. Two units in a duplex, to be exact. Can't recall what the kids called the other adults, if they ever told me, but I do know that all four adults parented all of the kids.

The poly family I know best now, there was an original couple with 4 kids, then she got a boyfriend who has one child from a prior relationship, and she then had twins by the boyfriend (but one of them recently passed. :( ) The kids call one of the men, "Dad" and the other one "Papa." They all live together.
 
It's rare, but blended households do happen. I have an acquaintance that is part of a blended poly household with 3 (or it might be 4) adults and like 10 kids and they all live in the same massive house. I know very little about them since I've only met 1 of the moms. But I know at least 2 of the mom's are stay at home mom's and they home school the kids and everyone parents all the children together and the house all have the same rules. The adults also date outside of the home, so it's not a closed polycule either.

But that's really like... the only example I know of that does this. I think that's super rare since it requires people to be on the same page and want the same things and same parenting styles, etc.

It's really a personal choice and I don't think there's any 1 right answer. But yes, it's important to know that everyone can be an adult about it if you try something and it doesn't work.
 
Interesting question
I am beginning that journey currently
Our other gf is planning on moving in with bf and myself
I am pregnant and researching like crazy on what has and hasn't worked!
I will enjoy reading future responses here!
 
I know a few poly families with kids, but only a few that really blend (most of the ones I know are a family that features an open marriage, and a partner who dates someone outside of the family home.) I know one group that was two couples, both had kids. They had what I consider "poly heaven" which is dwellings that were separate but close. Two units in a duplex, to be exact. Can't recall what the kids called the other adults, if they ever told me, but I do know that all four adults parented all of the kids.

There was a time when that was the stated end goal of the HipsterBoy/Pink!Girl/Knight/me quad. Would have been lovely, had it worked, although in some ways it would have been a more difficult change for Knight and I given they had 4 kids to our one. Ah well.
 
Interesting topic, afraid I don't have much to contribute.

I think the biggest concern I would have is what would happen if the relationship broke up. There are more than a few horror stories of people losing custody when one of the parties brought up a party's salacious lifestyle in court. You'd think that both would be on the line for that, but someone who even just recently reverted to mono looks better in some states.

It's all fun and games until the lawyers get involved.

As for kids, they accept the world as it is presented to them. It'll be some time before they even realize their family dynamic is different from other kids. I have a boyfriend living with my husband and I... and frankly my kids accepted that without question. If anything they love the extra gifts during Christmas and birthdays and I love the extra coverage for getting "me" time.
 
There are more than a few horror stories of people losing custody
I keep hoping that someone will point me toward some site that is tracking these "frequent" tales of woe. :confused: With all the "poly activists" & "poly researchers" running around loose (starting with Sheff & Anapol), it'd actually be helpful if these many cases were being logged, along with jurisdiction, progress of the case, summary of proceedings, resolution (if any), & social outfall (local media coverage, for instance).
 
I keep hoping that someone will point me toward some site that is tracking these "frequent" tales of woe. :confused: With all the "poly activists" & "poly researchers" running around loose (starting with Sheff & Anapol), it'd actually be helpful if these many cases were being logged, along with jurisdiction, progress of the case, summary of proceedings, resolution (if any), & social outfall (local media coverage, for instance).

Check out the 'BDSM and the Law' group on Fetlife. Also NCSF (NCSF in the News on Fetlife) and REF (Relationship Equality Foundation) will probably release the results of their legal survey before too long.

Are you the snarkiest person on this forum or is there someone snarkier? Just trying to establish a baseline here...
 
Are you the snarkiest person on this forum or is there someone snarkier? Just trying to establish a baseline here...
Sounds more like you want the title. :p No, I simply see no reason to dick around while people continually walk face-first into difficulty -- which some folks seem to enjoy watching because it makes them feel all superior & such.

Also NCSF (NCSF in the News on Fetlife)
I've never had reason to join Fetlife. If there's all these cases out there of polyamory being used to separate people from their kids, burying it behind a "sign up now!!" firewall seems irresponsible, certainly unhelpful. Besides,
  • NASA College Scholarship Fund
  • Northern Cascades Saluki Fanciers
  • North Carolina Shakespeare Festival
  • National Catholic Society of Foresters
  • National Council on Strength & Fitness
I figure you are most likely referring to the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (though you never can tell with those Foresters :D). Interesting group, but heavily focused on kink rather than nonmonogamy --
it is extremely important for the SM- Leather-Fetish communities to have an understanding of the laws that may affect us.

The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom has been fighting for your rights for the past 14 years, and we are changing the way society views kinky people.
Basically, NCSF views polyamory as just another paraphilia:
...consenting adults who practice BDSM, fetishes, cross-dressing and non-monogamy...
Such facts as they claim to have are based upon self-reporting:
In the 2008 and 1998 Violence & Discrimination Surveys conducted by NCSF, 37% of the 3,000 people surveyed said they had been discriminated against or suffered from harassment or violence
This is (to put it mildly) highly unreliable; like, if someone's an irresponsible flake, they can readily claim they've faced discrimination for their lifestyle choices, rather than their flakiness.

Speaking of unreliability: their "Media Updates" section hasn't been updated since late 2009. :rolleyes: The link to their "daily updates" Wordpress blog hits a dead end; when I go after it myself, I find THAT hasn't been updated since late 2010. The "In the Press" page stops August 2012. In short, there's nothing that suggests the group is productive, or even active.

I get a better feeling from REF. (Naturally, I notice that their tweets stop four months ago, except for just one that's a mere three months old.) However, their survey is (again) a self-reporting overview of "the needs and concerns of non-monogamous individuals regarding legal matters. We also hope to develop an initial sense of priority or importance of these issues." Aside from noting that the survey is closed to further participation, there's no indication at all of some basic points, such as when collection began, when it ended, or what the questions were, much less a guess as to when results might be made public.

Certainly nothing at all pertaining to the list that I asked about of ACTUAL court cases in order to offset the usual empty Chicken Little conjecture about the legal/social risks of polyamory.
 
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