I am starting this blog as a way to journal all of the thoughts swirling around in my head. There is so much for me to process and I would hate to write in a physical journal somewhere and have it be found by someone. My half-processed thoughts can be unrefined and careless -- I wouldn't want anyone's feelings to be hurt.
But since Muffin and I have talked about opening our relationship up officially, I have been thinking about POSSIBILITIES. This word has been magic to me my whole life. I'm a brainstormer. An idea person. Implementation is a reality check. Maintenance is a necessary chore. But, oh do I get fired up about what is possible! And right now, there are so many possibilities! I'm filled up with crazy ideas, conversations with invisible people and hunger for experience.
There is a guy who volunteers at the theater where I volunteer. I run the box office and handle memberships. He is an actor. We are on the Board of Directors together. Let's call him Actor. There is something electric about our connection. We instantly started flirting with each other even though we knew nothing about one another. We have spent the last year bumping into each other whenever he was in a show or there was a Board meeting, spending an hour after the meeting talking in front of the building long after everyone has left. My crush ebbed and flowed depending on how much he interacted with me.
Last summer, at the fancy end-of-season dinner, I dressed up in my sexiest dress and went to the event -- with Muffin, who knows full well that Actor makes me sweaty and crushy. Since Muffin is not a usual at the theater, I spent a lot of time that night helping him not feel ignored. Disappointingly, but not unsurprisingly, I did not get much time or attention from Actor. I think it was the first time he found out I am married. After that, the flirting from his side cooled down significantly and due to our schedules did not see each other at the theater much this past year. Pity.
This summer, I had the chance to direct a one-act play for the first time. Although it wasn't my intention when I chose the play, he was a perfect fit for one of the roles. Once I realized this meant we would be working together for weeks on end, I hoped he would consider trying out. He heard about the play through the grapevine and asked me about it. I encouraged him to come out without making any promises as I honestly wanted the best person for the role. His audition was perfect, everyone around the casting table agreed and I gave him the part. We started flirting again. The electricity is still there. However, I started to think about it from his perspective. Here I am, a married woman. My advances certainly couldn't be taken seriously since I am not available and, even worse, I might be seen as some sort of cheater.
Yesterday, I casually mentioned to Actor that Muffin and I have an open relationship and that I didn't want him to think that I was doing something inappropriate. He said he now understands that Muffin and I had "an arrangement" and that he has always enjoyed our flirting and it "made his night". I am hoping that will help him feel more comfortable about flirting more openly with me again.
The show closes tomorrow afternoon and then there is the cast party. Honestly, I have been like a cat in heat this past week -- with seeing him every day for tech rehearsals and performances. He clearly loves the role and everyone is congratulating him on his excellent performance. It makes me so happy to see him so proud of himself! And the way he looks when he is adored just makes me adore him more. He has thanked me for casting him a bunch of times. We have so many dynamics between us, it's hard to tease them apart.
If I am honest with myself, he isn't giving me any signs that he wants anything other than flirting with me. I know he is very busy at work and focused on the show, so I don't expect him to allow himself to be distracted by the sudden realness of my availability. Perhaps, if I am to see a change in him, it will be at the cast party or at some point beyond. As for myself, I'm hoping that once the show closes and I go back to only seeing him once a month at Board meetings, I will cease to be distracted by him so much. Honestly, the energy between us is a little much right now!
So I've decided enjoy the sexy energy he raises in me and direct it to self-improvement. It hasn't manifested in a reliable way yet, but it has changed the way I look at myself in the mirror. Muffin loves me no matter what I look like, which is a beautiful and rare gift. However, it has allowed me to stop looking at myself with impressing someone in mind. I do think about getting on the treadmill, but with it being summer and the Monkeys being home all day, it's hard to find a regular time. In the fall, I'll be able to commit myself to a fitness program of some kind -- swimming and/or modern dance seem like the most likely candidates right now.
But since Muffin and I have talked about opening our relationship up officially, I have been thinking about POSSIBILITIES. This word has been magic to me my whole life. I'm a brainstormer. An idea person. Implementation is a reality check. Maintenance is a necessary chore. But, oh do I get fired up about what is possible! And right now, there are so many possibilities! I'm filled up with crazy ideas, conversations with invisible people and hunger for experience.
There is a guy who volunteers at the theater where I volunteer. I run the box office and handle memberships. He is an actor. We are on the Board of Directors together. Let's call him Actor. There is something electric about our connection. We instantly started flirting with each other even though we knew nothing about one another. We have spent the last year bumping into each other whenever he was in a show or there was a Board meeting, spending an hour after the meeting talking in front of the building long after everyone has left. My crush ebbed and flowed depending on how much he interacted with me.
Last summer, at the fancy end-of-season dinner, I dressed up in my sexiest dress and went to the event -- with Muffin, who knows full well that Actor makes me sweaty and crushy. Since Muffin is not a usual at the theater, I spent a lot of time that night helping him not feel ignored. Disappointingly, but not unsurprisingly, I did not get much time or attention from Actor. I think it was the first time he found out I am married. After that, the flirting from his side cooled down significantly and due to our schedules did not see each other at the theater much this past year. Pity.
This summer, I had the chance to direct a one-act play for the first time. Although it wasn't my intention when I chose the play, he was a perfect fit for one of the roles. Once I realized this meant we would be working together for weeks on end, I hoped he would consider trying out. He heard about the play through the grapevine and asked me about it. I encouraged him to come out without making any promises as I honestly wanted the best person for the role. His audition was perfect, everyone around the casting table agreed and I gave him the part. We started flirting again. The electricity is still there. However, I started to think about it from his perspective. Here I am, a married woman. My advances certainly couldn't be taken seriously since I am not available and, even worse, I might be seen as some sort of cheater.
Yesterday, I casually mentioned to Actor that Muffin and I have an open relationship and that I didn't want him to think that I was doing something inappropriate. He said he now understands that Muffin and I had "an arrangement" and that he has always enjoyed our flirting and it "made his night". I am hoping that will help him feel more comfortable about flirting more openly with me again.
The show closes tomorrow afternoon and then there is the cast party. Honestly, I have been like a cat in heat this past week -- with seeing him every day for tech rehearsals and performances. He clearly loves the role and everyone is congratulating him on his excellent performance. It makes me so happy to see him so proud of himself! And the way he looks when he is adored just makes me adore him more. He has thanked me for casting him a bunch of times. We have so many dynamics between us, it's hard to tease them apart.
If I am honest with myself, he isn't giving me any signs that he wants anything other than flirting with me. I know he is very busy at work and focused on the show, so I don't expect him to allow himself to be distracted by the sudden realness of my availability. Perhaps, if I am to see a change in him, it will be at the cast party or at some point beyond. As for myself, I'm hoping that once the show closes and I go back to only seeing him once a month at Board meetings, I will cease to be distracted by him so much. Honestly, the energy between us is a little much right now!
So I've decided enjoy the sexy energy he raises in me and direct it to self-improvement. It hasn't manifested in a reliable way yet, but it has changed the way I look at myself in the mirror. Muffin loves me no matter what I look like, which is a beautiful and rare gift. However, it has allowed me to stop looking at myself with impressing someone in mind. I do think about getting on the treadmill, but with it being summer and the Monkeys being home all day, it's hard to find a regular time. In the fall, I'll be able to commit myself to a fitness program of some kind -- swimming and/or modern dance seem like the most likely candidates right now.