Struggling/Divorce

Ashkat

New member
On Monday night, my wife and I met some new people. On Wednesday, my wife went out with them to a bar, and when she wasn't home (I was home with her daughters) when she said she'd be, I went to look for her (out of concern). When I found her, she was in a truck with another man. She said all they did was smoke a joint together, but to me that was a boundary that she crossed.

She moved out the next day because she accused me of "not trusting her."

She said she would never been in a monogamous relationship again. She said we could probably work things out if we were to have an open relationship, but I don't know.

We've talked about poly before, but I feel threatened by it.

I'm not sure what to do. She's read The Ethical Slut and other stuff, and she fully believes that she needs to be in a poly relationship. I'm just, as a I said, threatened by it.

Thoughts? Advice?
 
If she moved out already

Keep it that way! Work on getting over it and then in that time Work on you! Work on your character for you, spiritually for you, physically for you!
When you are comfy with what you need then..
It will eventually come to you.. You will instinctively know how, when, and where to find what you need!

If you hadn't between the two of you agreed it was ok to find her where she was? .. It is a breach in her mind not necessarily in yours, unless you really thought there was an issue Physically And it was agreed it's you responsible for her that way, it was up to you.
That she was smoking and you don't like it, that's your boundary don't cross it, that's her thing it's ok... You don't have to live with it!
Anyway... That's a start with the info given
I feel for you... Been down that road. And I jumped out of the way... It wasn't my thing, I knew before hand, I just never planned it to be long term by any means...I loved that person for them...I just didn't ever plan on living with it!
So, clearly I never lived with it anymore then I wanted too.. Lol
 
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My thoughts? Not good, at all.

She decided her life is boring, & apparently didn't have enough spine to discuss it with you, who she'd probably been calling her "partner." (Two strikes, there.)

She read some soppy books about how wonderful it is to be polyamorous & learned that it doesn't take any real effort, just click your heels together three times saying "I'm poly now!!"

With her eyes opened, she decided that YOU were the problem, holding her back from her True Poly Potential.

Having no interest in learning personal responsibility at this late date, she took a handy opportunity to set a snare for you -- at least two, actually.

You stepped into it, & now it's ALL YOUR FAULT for being such a non-trusting meanie, boo-hoo, poor li'l me, how can I possibly continue to Dedicate My Life to such an ogre??

I don't see you being "threatened by poly." I think you knew in your gut that she's that totally passive-aggressive, & all she needed was an excuse.

I really doubt she's "poly." It sounds more like wing walking: use polyamory as a lame excuse to get out of one "permanent" mono relationship in order to move on to another "permanent" mono relationship, without the inconveniences of being single.

I don't see what there is to "work out"; it's likely been an edgy relationship for years. The only way she could come back from this is to admit the entire history of what she did -- which I don't see possible -- or for you to achieve a new level of self-blindedness & put up with this nonsense, knowing it's probably going to only get stupider.
 
Rockit49: Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it.

Ravenscroft: Thank you. Much of what you said strikes home with me. I appreciate your thoughts.
 
Hi Ashkat,

You have to figure out whether poly is right for you ... Only you can make that determination. Sure it can work, but it must be done responsibly. I don't know about the way your wife's been acting lately. :(

Hopefully things will work out for you in the long run.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm with Ravenscroft. Say NO.

To me it sounds like she doesn't want to own that she broke her agreement -- not coming home on time. And it sounds like she broke another agreement/boundary -- smoking pot with that guy.

She's the one who decided to move out rather than own what she did, apologize and work things out. So be ok with that. Let things change so you can be free of this upsetting nonsense.

If she did not keep her agreements now when Closed? Who is to say she won't ignore her poly agreements too? It isn't like poly is magically "cheater proof" or something. I think it is ok to vote "no confidence" on that in light of recent behavior and say NO to doing poly or Open with her.

I'd be leery into opening myself up to new dings from someone when I've already gotten dinged by them.

She said we could probably work things out if we were to have an open relationship, but I don't know.

Sounds like she wants to do Open but still keep you around for a back up plan. Might be great for her, but I do not see how that is great for you.

I don't like passive aggressive stuff or shenanigans and this sounds like both.

I'm sorry you have to deal in this. Stand firm.

If mom wants to flake out? Let her. You can be the solid one for the kids.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl and KevinT:

Thank you for the comments. I'm hurting pretty bad right now. The girls asked for me to come over this afternoon, so I went (Wife wasn't there). It hurt a lot to see them in the apartment they're in, and I left a few minutes before my wife got back there. I didn't want to see her because I knew it was going to hurt.

When I got home, my wife called and asked if I wanted to have dinner with her and the girls, but I declined.

God, this is hard.
 
They are not my kids, but I'm the only father they've really known. Also, my wife called and told me that it was okay to come.
 
I'm sorry things are rough right now.

Did you also adopt your stepkids when you married? Or is the mother their legal parent/custody person?

Galagirl
 
No, I never adopted them. There was talk of it, but there was never any movement on that front.

She got some of her mail last night and told me that she'd get the rest of her things this weekend.

She said she couldn't be with me because I wasn't "down with the revolution" and that I wasn't "Ride or Die." I'm not exactly sure where the "ride or die" shit is coming from, but our mutual friends have expressed concern to me about her because, as one friend described, "She sounds unhinged."
 
Wow

No, I never adopted them. There was talk of it, but there was never any movement on that front.

She got some of her mail last night and told me that she'd get the rest of her things this weekend.

She said she couldn't be with me because I wasn't "down with the revolution" and that I wasn't "Ride or Die." I'm not exactly sure where the "ride or die" shit is coming from, but our mutual friends have expressed concern to me about her because, as one friend described, "She sounds unhinged."

That's actually funny!! Did you laugh? Or did you keep the grin in context? Really... I think you laughed at her. Lol
On a serious note.
I feel for you and the girls.... Especially with said behavior.. Dang
 
She does sound unhinged if even the friends are noticing the wacky.

If she wants to go off to do wonky Open or wonky Poly? You don't have to be down for that "revolution." If you know she's an unreliable partner who breaks agreements/promises? You can vote "no confidence" on her actually keeping any new open or poly agreements and not want to do anything like that with HER. She can go do it on her own.

And you stay out of it so you do not get new dings. She can go ding other people instead. Buyer beware.

I do not believe in "ride or die" like you have to stick with your partner no matter what even if it kills you. No... I don't think so! One could save themselves/kids if a spouse is heading off into messed up living/stupid things. I do not have to ride. I do not have to die. I could skip it all!

If you are not the legal guardian, who is next in line for the kids? Is custody for the kids shared with bio dad? Her mother? Or someone else? DCF? You may have to call whoever is next in line to make them aware you guys are divorcing, mom is being weird, and someone needs to be watching out for the kids because legally it cannot be you. Being strong for the kids means doing what needs doing. Even if unpleasant phone calls or whatever.

She doesn't sound the type to have a peaceful divorce. You may be in for some more up and down before it is finally done. Sigh. :(

I'm sorry you deal in all this. I hope it goes quickly and you are free of all this nonsense soon. :(

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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Is this a sudden thing? Up and leaving you suddenly after 5yrs? Or were there other signs of erratic behavior? Has she had a medical checkup lately?

I ask because this just sounds like a person who used to work with me and also another person who used to work for my sister. In their cases it was a bad case of unmedicated bipolar.

It's not really a "polyamory" problem if it's (perhaps) mental illness that requires attention.
 
I think people in this thread are making a lot of assumptions...lol. I guess I'm going to make some as well.

Having a boundary that includes your wife not being able to hang out and smoke a joint with a guy smacks of some sort of ownership issue to me. This could be because I've had an insanely jealous girlfriend in the past who made my life unbearable.

Tracking down your wife "for her safety"? Ummm...no.

Granted, we have no idea of what your wife's previous actions were, or yours for that matter. For all I know, tracking her down could just be the tip of the iceberg as far as jealous husband's actions go.

Based on all you've said I would agree that poly is not for you. If it's for her then the two of you should not be together. If you are just smothering her as a person, the two of you should not be together. Either way, same outcome.
 
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